Brick Shakespeare: The Comedies—A Midsummer Night's Dream, The Tempest, Much Ado About Nothing, and The Taming of the Shrew (72 page)

DON PEDRO

Leonato and his brother. What thinkest thou? Had we fought, I doubt we should have been too young for them.

BENEDICK

In a false quarrel there is no true valour. I came to seek you both.

CLAUDIO

We have been up and down to seek thee; for we are high-proof melancholy and would fain have it beaten away. Wilt thou use thy wit?

BENEDICK

It is in my scabbard: shall I draw it?

DON PEDRO

Dost thou wear thy wit by thy side?

CLAUDIO

Never any did so, though very many have been beside their wit. I will bid thee draw, as we do the minstrels; draw, to pleasure us.

DON PEDRO

As I am an honest man, he looks pale. Art thou sick, or angry?

CLAUDIO

What, courage, man! What though care killed a cat, thou hast mettle enough in thee to kill care.

BENEDICK

Sir, I shall meet your wit in the career, and you charge it against me. I pray you choose another subject.

CLAUDIO

Nay, then, give him another staff: this last was broke cross.

DON PEDRO

By this light, he changes more and more: I think he be angry indeed.

CLAUDIO

If he be, he knows how to turn his girdle.

BENEDICK

Shall I speak a word in your ear?

CLAUDIO

God bless me from a challenge!

BENEDICK

You are a villain; I jest not:

I will make it good how you dare, with what you dare, and when you dare. Do me right, or I will protest your cowardice. You have killed a sweet lady, and her death shall fall heavy on you. Let me hear from you.

CLAUDIO

Well, I will meet you, so I may have good cheer.

DON PEDRO

What, a feast, a feast?

CLAUDIO

I’ faith, I thank him; he hath bid me to a calf’s head and a capon; the which if I do not carve most curiously, say my knife’s naught. Shall I not find a woodcock too?

BENEDICK

Sir, your wit ambles well; it goes easily.

DON PEDRO

I’ll tell thee how Beatrice praised thy wit the other day. I said, thou hadst a fine wit: “True,” said she, “a fine little one.” “No,” said I, “a great wit:” “Right,” says she, “a great gross one.”

“Nay,” said I, “a good wit:” “Just,” said she, “it hurts nobody.” “Nay,” said I, “the gentleman is wise:” “Certain,” said she, “a wise gentleman.”

“Nay,” said I, “he hath the tongues:” “That I believe,” said she, “for he swore a thing to me on

Monday night, which he forswore on Tuesday morning; there’s a double tongue; there’s two tongues.” Thus did she, an hour together, transshape thy particular virtues: yet at last she concluded with a sigh, thou wast the properest man in Italy.

CLAUDIO

For the which she wept heartily and said she cared not.

DON PEDRO

Yea, that she did: but yet, for all that, an if she did not hate him deadly, she would love him dearly: the old man’s daughter told us all.

CLAUDIO

All, all; and, moreover, God saw him when he was hid in the garden.

DON PEDRO

But when shall we set the savage bull’s horns on the sensible Benedick’s head?

CLAUDIO

Yea, and text underneath, “Here dwells Benedick the married man”?

BENEDICK

Fare you well, boy: you know my mind. I will leave you now to your gossip-like humour: you break jests as braggarts do their blades, which God be thanked, hurt not. My lord, for your many courtesies I thank you: I must discontinue your company: your brother the bastard is fled from Messina: you have among you killed a sweet and innocent lady. For my Lord Lackbeard there, he and I shall meet: and, till then, peace be with him.

DON PEDRO

He is in earnest.

CLAUDIO

In most profound earnest; and, I’ll warrant you, for the love of Beatrice.

DON PEDRO

And hath challenged thee.

CLAUDIO

Most sincerely.

DON PEDRO

What a pretty thing man is when he goes in his doublet and hose and leaves off his wit!

CLAUDIO

He is then a giant to an ape; but then is an ape a doctor to such a man.

DON PEDRO

But, soft you, let me be: pluck up, my heart, and be sad. Did he not say, my brother was fled?

DOGBERRY

Come you, sir: if justice cannot tame you, she shall ne’er weigh more reasons in her balance: nay, an you be a cursing hypocrite once, you must be looked to.

DON PEDRO

How now? two of my brother’s men bound! Borachio one!

CLAUDIO

Hearken after their offence, my lord.

DON PEDRO

Officers, what offence have these men done?