Brian Friel Plays 1 (6 page)

(
DOOGAN
goes
an
and
on.
We
catch
an
occasional
word.
 
Meantime
PRIVATE
has
moved
up
to
PUBLIC
’
s
elbow.
)

PRIVATE
:
Cripes, man!

DOOGAN
:
… and then later at university when he did medicine and I did law, we knocked about quite a bit …

PRIVATE
:
O God, the aul bitch! Cripes, you look a right fool standing there – the father of fourteen children! Get out, you eejit you! Get out! Get out quick before the others come in and die laughing at you! And all the time she must have known – the aul bitch! And you promised to give her breakfast in bed every morning! And you told her about the egg money!

DOOGAN
:
… your father, Gareth?

PRIVATE
:
He’s talking to you, thick-skull.

PUBLIC
:
What – what – what’s that?

DOOGAN
:
Your father – how is he?

PUBLIC
:
Oh he – he – he’s grand, thanks.

PRIVATE
:
Get out! Get out!

PUBLIC
:
Look, Mr Doogan, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’d better move on –

DOOGAN
:
Aren’t you waiting for supper? The others will be along in a moment for–

PUBLIC
:
No, I must run. I’ve got to make up half-a-hundredweight of sugar bags.

PRIVATE
:
Brilliant!

PUBLIC
:
Say good-bye to –

DOOGAN
:
Certainly – certainly. Oh, Gareth –

(
PUBLIC
pauses.
)

(
Awkwardly,
with
sincerity
) Kate is our only child, Gareth, and her happiness is all that is important to us –

PRIVATE
:
(
Sings
) ‘Give the woman in the bed more porter –’

DOOGAN
:
What I’m trying to say is that any decision she makes will be her own –

PRIVATE
:
‘– Give the man beside her water, Give the woman in the bed more porter, –’

DOOGAN
:
Just in case you should think that her mother or I were … in case you might have the idea …

PUBLIC
:
(
Rapidly
)
Good night, Mr Doogan.

(
PUBLIC
rushes
off.
)

DOOGAN
:
Good-bye … Gareth.

(
DOOGAN
stands
lighting
his
pipe.
)

KATE
:
(
Enters
down
right
of
DOOGAN
and
sees
that
GAR
is
no
longer
there
)
Where’s Gar?

DOOGAN
:
He didn’t seem anxious to stay.

KATE
:
But didn’t he – did he –?

DOOGAN
:
No, he didn’t.

(
He
crosses
KATE
to
exit
down
right
as
light
fades
to
black
out.
)
(
Black
out
Doogan’s
room.
PUBLIC
and
PRIVATE
move
back
to
the
bedroom
where
PUBLIC
is
putting
away
the
photograph
and
begins
washing.
)

PRIVATE
:
(
Wearily
)
Mrs Doctor Francis King. September 8th. In harvest sunshine. Red carpet and white lilies and Sean Horgan singing ‘Bless This House’ – and him whipped off to Sligo jail two days later for stealing turf. Honeymoon in Mallorca and you couldn’t have afforded to take her to Malahide. By God, Gar, aul sod, it was a sore hoke on the aul prestige, eh? Between ourselves, aul son, in the privacy of the bedroom, between you and me and the wall, as the fella says, has it left a deep scar on the aul skitter of a soul, eh? What I mean to say like, you took it sort of bad, between you and me and the wall, as the fella says–

PUBLIC
:
(
Sings
)
‘Philadelphia, here I come, right back–’

PRIVATE
:
But then there’s more fish in the sea, as the fella says, and they’re all the same when they’re upside down; and between you and me and the wall, the first thing you would have had to do would have been to give the boot to Daddy
Senator. And I’m thinking, Gar, aul rooster, that wouldn’t have made you his pet son-in-law, Mister Fair-play Lawyer Senator Doogan – ‘her happiness is all that is important to us’! You know, of course, that he carries one of those wee black cards in
the inside pocket of his jacket, privately printed for him: ‘I am a Catholic. In case of accident send for a bishop.’ And you know, too, that in his spare time he travels for maternity corsets; and that he’s a double spy for the Knights and the Masons; and that he takes pornographic photographs of Mrs D. and sends them anonymously to reverend mothers. And when you think of a bugger like that, you want to get down on your knees and thank God for aul Screwballs. (
Imitating
his father’s
slow
speech.
)
So you’re going to America in the morning, son? (
PUBLIC
carries
on
with
his
washing
and
dressing
and
at
the
same
time
does
this
dialogue.
)

PUBLIC
:
Yes, Father.

PRIVATE
:
Nothing like it to broaden the mind. Man, how I’d love to travel. But there’s some it doesn’t agree with – like me, there.

PUBLIC
:
In what way, Father?

PRIVATE
:
The bowels, son. Let me move an inch from the house here – and they stall.

PUBLIC
:
No!

PRIVATE
:
Like the time I went to Lough Derg, away back in ’35. Not a budge. The bare feet were nothing to the agonies I went through. I was bound up for two full weeks afterwards.

PUBLIC
:
It taught you a lesson.

PRIVATE
:
Didn’t it just? Now I wouldn’t even think of travelling.

PUBLIC
:
Anchored by the ass.

PRIVATE
:
Bound by the bowels.

PUBLIC
:
Tethered by the toilet. Tragic.

(
PUBLIC
has
now
finished
dressing.
He
surveys
himself
in
the
mirror.
)

PRIVATE
:
Not bad. Not bad at all. And well preserved for a father of fourteen children.

PUBLIC
:
(
In
absurd
Hollywood
style
)
Hi, gorgeous! You live in my block?

PRIVATE
:
(
Matching
the
accent
)
Yeah, big handsome boy. Sure do.

PUBLIC
:
Mind if I walk you past the incinerator, to the elevator?

PRIVATE
:
You’re welcome, slick operator.

(
PUBLIC
is
facing
the
door
of
his
bedroom.
MADGE
enters
the
kitchen
from
the
scullery.
)

PUBLIC
:
What’ya say, li’l chick, you and me – you know – I’ll spell it out for ya ifya like.

(
Winks,
and
clicks
his
tongue.
)

PRIVATE
:
You say the cutest things, big handsome boy!

PUBLIC
:
A malted milk at the corner drug-store?

PRIVATE
:
Wow!

PUBLIC
:
A movie at the downtown drive-in?
PRIVATE
: Wow-wow!

PUBLIC
:
Two hamburgers, two cokes, two slices of blueberry pie?

PRIVATE
:
Wow-wow-wow.

PUBLIC
:
And then afterwards in my apartment –

(
MADGE
enters
the
bedroom.
)

MADGE
:
Gee, Mary, and Jay! Will you quit them antics!

PUBLIC
:
Well, you should knock anyway before you enter a man’s room!

MADGE
:
Man! I bathed you every Saturday night till you were a big lout of fourteen! Your tea’s cold waiting.

(
She
makes
towards
door.
She
goes
into
the
kitchen.
PUBLIC
and
PRIVATE
follow
her.
)

PUBLIC
:
How was I to know that?

MADGE
:
Amn’t I hoarse calling you? Dear, but you’re in for a cooling when you go across! (
As
she
passes
through
the
shop
door
on
way
to
scullery.
)
Boss!

PRIVATE
:
(
In
imitation
)
‘Boss!’

(
She
pauses
at
the
scullery
door.
)

MADGE
:
(
With
shy
delight
)
I forgot to tell you. Nelly had a wee baby this morning.

PUBLIC
:
Go on!

MADGE
:
A wee girl – 7 lb 4 oz.

PUBLIC
:
How many’s that you have now?

MADGE
:
Four grandnieces and three grandnephews.

(
Pause.
)
And they’re going to call this one Madge – at least so she
says.

PUBLIC
:
I’ll send it a – a – a – an elephant out of my first wages! An elephant for wee Madge!

MADGE
:
I had a feeling it would be a wee girl this time. Maybe I’ll take a run over on Sunday and square the place up for her. She could do with some help, with seven of them.

PUBLIC
:
You’re a brick, Madge.

MADGE
:
Aye, so. (
As
she
goes
to
scullery.
)
Wee Madge, maybe …

(
PUBLIC
sits
at
the
table.
PRIVATE
leans
against
the
wall
beside
him.
)

PRIVATE
:
And now what are you sad about? Just because she lives for those Mulhern children, and gives them whatever few half-pence she has? Madge, Madge, I think I love you more than any of them. Give me a piece of your courage, Madge.

(
S. B
.
enters
from
the
shop
and
goes
through
his
nightly
routine.
He
hangs
up
the
shop
keys.
He
looks
at
his
pocket
watch
and
checks
its
time
with
the
clock
on
the
wall
.
He
takes
off
his
apron,
folds
it
carefully,
and
leaves
it
on
the
back
of
his
chair.
Then
he
sits
down
to
eat.
During
all
these
ponderous
jobs
PRIVATE
keeps
up
the
following
chatter
:)

And here comes your pleasure, your little ray of sunshine. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you – the one and only – the inimitable – the irrepressible – the irresistible – County Councillor – S – B – O’Donnell! (
Trumpet
– hummed
– fanfare.
Continues
in
the
smooth,
unctuous
tones
of
the
commentator
at
a
mannequin
parade.
)
And this time Marie Celeste is wearing a cheeky little head-dress by Pamela of Park Avenue, eminently suitable for cocktail parties, morning coffee, or just casual shopping. It is of brown Viennese felt, and contrasts boldly with the attractive beach ensemble, created by Simon. The pert little apron is detachable – (
S. B
.
removes
apron
) – thank you, Marie Celeste – and underneath we have
the tapered Italian-line slacks in ocelot. I would draw your attention to the large collar stud which is highly decorative and can be purchased separately at our boutique. We call this seductive outfit ‘Indiscretion’. It can be worn six days a week, in or out of bed. (
In
polite
tone
) Have a seat, Screwballs.