Breathe Me (20 page)

I grip
ped my stomach as I ran toward the hall bathroom and barely made it to the toilet, lurching out whatever was left in my stomach from dinner. I don’t know how long I was there, but Sasha flicked the light on and helped me up, letting me brush my teeth before taking me to the bed. I hadn’t even realized where I was until he slipped in next to me, spooning close as he reached over to turn off the lamp.

In the
silence of the night, I felt the heat of his body engulfing mine, bringing some thaw to the iciness of my soul. He softly ran his fingers through the tangled mess of my hair and kissed the back of my head. Saying nothing, he understood what I needed right then like no one I’d ever known. What would I have done without him? Letting him steady me, I fell asleep, comforted that maybe it would be alright. It had to be, somehow. There was no choice in that matter. The shadows always faded with the daylight, and the fears that plagued my mind would hopefully go away with them. Time took care of things like that. Maybe it would play in my favor this time.

Piper

THE FUNERAL WAS
a blur. I hardly remembered standing there, gripping Leah’s tiny body, which was tightly wrapped around mine. The minister’s serene ceremony was short but beautiful. They had even played her favorite piece of classical music, Bach’s Violin Concerto in G Minor. For a lively woman, I’d never pegged her for a classical music lover, but it had been one thing her husband had loved before he died. It’d been calming for him in the many days he’d spent ill in bed, with multiple sclerosis. Will’s last years confined to a wheelchair had been so hard on Joss and Leah. It’d been the worst of times for her, but she’d been nothing short of a loving, patient and caring wife. 

Maybe the music reminded her of him, of the good times they’d had. Listening to the soft melody, I felt my tears staining my cheeks. Never would I hear her laughing or chastising me again. Never would she bolt into my apartment unannounced to tell me about the silliest things which had happened to her. No more retail therapy sessions or junk food pig-outs on her living room floor. I was lost without her, yet trying to still keep grounded for Leah, whose face was buried in my side. She refused to let go of me and ignored everyone who came up to us to give their condolences. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could and dreaded the wake being held at her house. I’d spent the night before scrubbing, packing and setting up her meager home in preparation of the wake. My apartment was too small, and I had refused Sasha’s offer to hold it at his massive home. It was just so impersonal. I needed to have her around me still, even if it was just her home and things.

Going through her belongings was something I had to do anyway, and being amongst them comforted me.  I didn’t want to forget her voice or the way she smelled. She was my cousin, but we’d grown up together, best friends from diapers. How had this all gone so wrong? How could she have been ripped from me so suddenly, in this manner? It felt like I’d lost a limb. No, more. I felt like I’d lost part of my soul. It was losing a sister all over again and another person dead, another family member to bury. Maybe I was bad luck, everyone around me died.

This was devastating, and I felt like I was suffocating. The air was filled up with the words of friends, coworkers and people I’d never met who kept bombarding me, wanting to give their condolences. My Aunt Hazel, Joss’s mother, had passed away years before, and her father had left them when she was but a baby. She had no one. No one but me and Leah, who had finally broken away from me and settled with Cam on one side of her and one of her friends, whose name was Melody, or something like that, on the other side. Melissa, Melina, Mel…. I couldn’t remember. My mind was a jostled bunch of scrabble pieces, making no sense and numb.

Sasha was doing an excellent job of wrangling in the crowd, offering refreshments and taking the slew of cards from people, which were probably stuffed with money or gift cards for Leah. I hated that we had to go through this circus-like tradition. I wanted to yell at everyone to go home and leave us alone
. Joss is gone, so get on with your lives
. It was cold, I know, but their presence was stifling.

I’d abruptly stood up, ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. It was quieter in there, but it did nothing to ease the stabbing throb in my chest, the one that kept repeating with its drumming pain,
Joss is dead… Joss is dead.

Slipping to the floor, I cried and cried. My make-up all but smeared away, and I was sure my eyeballs would be swollen shut for days. I wanted to yell at Joss for leaving us so soon, for being so selfish and making us have to go through this crap. How dare she die? How dare she leave her young daughter alone in the world to wonder what it would’ve been like to have her mother there at her sweet sixteen, at prom, at college graduation? What would I tell her when she asked me why this had happened to her? What would I say?

Not only that, but what if she hated me as her guardian? What if I did a shitty job? I’d never had children of my own, but I had babysat her many times. But that was so vastly different from being an actual parent. I wasn’t prepared for this. In one twisted moment, I had acquired an instant family.

What felt like hours later, I emerged, my face wiped clean of make-up and my hair smoothed back after yanking at it too much. I’d put myself together, the tiny, cracked slivers of what I had left, and carefully made my way back to the wake. I found Leah and held her tightly, giving her the reassurance that I would be there for her, no matter what.

Sasha smiled as he caught my eye. I threw him a weak, sad smile and felt relieved that he was there. After everything was said and done, he’d kept his promise that he’d do anything and everything to win me back. With each smile and chat he had with these strangers and every cup he refilled and tray of snacks or food he made sure was full, he’d pulled down the wall around my heart even further. The gaping hole he’d left inside before was slowly patching up. Even with the secondary injury of losing Joss, I could breathe a little better. I thanked my lucky stars that he was there and wondered briefly what I would’ve done without him.

I was glad I didn’t have to ponder it long before returning to Leah’s side and holding her closer. I’d never let her down, and I silently promised Joss that I’d be the best alternative to an actual mother I could be. I almost felt her silently hugging me, too, telling me that it would all be fine and that I’d do a great job.

I hoped she was right.

Piper

“SO, WHEN YOU
and Joss came up with the plan to set us up, behind my back, might I add….”

Leah giggled and snatched a fry from my pile as the four of us munched in the food court at the
Galleria Mall. “Did you ever think we’d be sitting in a mall, eating fatty burgers and devouring fries together, the four of us?” I flicked my eyelashes at Sasha, whose guilty look appeared comically exaggerated.

“It was Joss’s idea about the Ferris wheel, I swear. Scout’s honor.” He ran his hands through his thick dark-blonde locks, his own frustration getting the best of him. “I didn’t know how conniving she could be. All I knew was that I’d run into her at my coffee shop and I was pretty adamant on finding out what you’d been up to and telling her I still had feelings for you. It got her the wheels turning in her head, so of course I was super excited to know that you were single and Joss was willing to hook me back up with you. Your mom was always looking out for us, Leah.”

“
I know. I told Mom about the Ferris wheel! My favorite ride. Wasn’t it romantic, Uncle Sasha?”

“A-ha! The guilty party fesses up!” He made a funny face, pointing at Leah as she sat proudly acknowledging her actions. “I
t was terribly romantic, though. But Auntie Piper is afraid of heights, so I think that if anyone plans on setting her up for a another surprise, it should definitely involve heights.”

“
Hey!” I elbowed him in the ribs and he feigned agony. I turned toward Leah and shrugged. “Okay, it’s true, I’m afraid of heights.”

She giggled at me, making me blush red.

“So I’ll have to keep my eyes on both of you. You never seem to just do something on a whim, you conniving brats.” I realized my crossed arms and pouty lips made me look worse than Cam throwing a fit for not getting ice cream, which made me burst out laughing, too.

“Mom was funny. I miss her,
” Leah sighed, dragging a French fry through the pile of ketchup on her plate.

“Yeah, she was pretty awesome. I miss her too
, kiddo.” I squeezed her tight, and she lit up again and stuffed the fry into her mouth.

Even with the bit of darkness surrounding us, I knew Joss
was haunting us, I just knew it. Why was it that I could literally feel her repetitively hounding me to shut up and thank her for finding the one for me and providing such a loving family? I just wanted to hold her. I missed her so much, it made my insides tighten and cramp up.

She’d always be
watching out for us, one way or another. Now she was our guardian angel, still jabbering her opinions in my ear as the days went on. Loneliness was never an issue, but the hole she’d left made me wish I’d had more time to enjoy the days with her. Watching how well Leah had overcome the loss of both her parents and still try to live to the fullest each day made me ashamed that I’d lived so long avoiding love and not working on making my dreams come true. Kids were so adaptable. It reminded me why I had to cherish each moment as it came, live with an open heart and forgive readily. You never knew when something would be ripped away from you without warning.

Joss, you won. Again, y
ou sneaky devil, you.

Piper

“WHAT WAS THAT
all about?” I inquired, watching Sasha toss his phone on the bed. He looked upset and I wondered what could fluster his usually calm aura.

“I have to go to Moldova.”

I straightened, looking at him in disbelief. “What do you mean?”

“I have to go home, Piper.”

“But why?” I felt my heart lurch at the thought of him leaving. We’d been together several months, and I’d even moved in with him. He had plenty of room to spare and Leah loved the pool. She and Cam got along great, too. They were always having races in the water.