Breathe: A Novel (23 page)

“Now, raise your arms skyward,” Galen instructed. “And lift your heart.”

I reached for the sky, opening my palms and spreading my fingers wide.

“Take a risk. Look up.”

I looked up between my hands and felt my entire body and mind expand.

“This pose is about trust. Trust in the roots that support you, and the depth of the well you draw from. And if the wind blows, just sway with it. Don’t be afraid to dance.”

***

When class was over, Haley popped up from savasana and galloped over to my mat.

“Was that not the most inspiring class? I have never gone that deep in
supta virasana
. I am ready for some
major
shopping.”

I looked around, embarrassed, my ecstatic tree pose already a distant memory. I worried what other people might think of Haley’s shallow behavior, but to my surprise, I noticed approval on the faces around us and realized that this was actually a perfectly normal thing to say around here. A woman stacking blankets even said, “Yeah, girl!” I turned to include Jenny in our conversation, but her mat was gone.

“God, and how about that
Koundinyasana
sequence, the reverse bird? I’ve never gotten my leg that straight before.” She sighed with satisfaction. “What was your favorite part?”

“Well,” I said, slowly rolling up my mat.

“I bet you liked all the meditation parts. Meanwhile, I wish we could just skip them!” She re-tied her hair. “Okay, so I have to shower. And Al, you should too. I’ve been meaning to ask if you’re doing the European thing. I mean, I know it’s great for your skin and all, but I just can’t swing it.”

I looked at her.

“Haley, why do you keep saying things like that?” I asked, although I knew it was it was true; I could have used a shower.

“What? It’s a compliment. Your skin looks great.”

I let it go and thought about the Club’s nice toiletries.

“Alright, let’s go,” I said.

After I’d dried off and put my sweaty yoga clothes back on, Haley, who’d hit the sauna and applied deep conditioner, was just getting into the shower. I went out to see if I could find Jenny, knowing that Haley’s post-shower protocol took at least thirty minutes.

I found her in The Grill’s darkened bar, Cosmo in hand.

“Seriously, Jenny? It’s not even noon.” I sat down on the leather barstool next to her.

“Desperate times, desperate measures. You want me to spend the day with that woman then I need a drink.”

“Come on, Jenny. She really isn’t that bad.” I was trying to convince myself, too.

I ordered a soda water with lime.

“Alex, she’s brutal,” she said, taking a sip of her pink cocktail and setting it down.

“I ask again, compassion and acceptance, Mrs. Yoga? Please. I need your inspiration.”

“Yeah, yeah. I already told you. She’s making me fall off that wagon.”

I knew the feeling.

“Good class, huh?” I said, hoping to elevate our conversation.

“Your friend was entertaining,” Jenny said stubbornly, this time grabbing my soda water.

“Okay, enough about Haley. Your eyes are supposed to be on your mat.” I took my soda water back.

She frowned at her Cosmo.

“You couldn’t be a lush if you tried, Jenny,” I said, ordering her a soda water as well.

“I did it for effect,” she said, pushing the pink drink back toward the cute bartender. “Sorry. I’m sure I would have loved it at seven o’clock last night.” He winked and took it away.

“Just humor her, Jenny. If you stop wishing she were different, she can be kind of funny. Plus, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. Can’t we just enjoy the day?”

She eyed me suspiciously then smiled. “Alright, fine. Let’s change the subject.” She sat up straight and crossed her legs. “How’s Andy?”

“Not that topic either, please.”

“Alex, what is it with him? And don’t you dare say ‘just friends,’ because if you truly were ‘just friends,’” she used air quotes, “you wouldn’t be so opposed to talking about him.”

“I’m not opposed. I just can’t seem to convince any of you that there’s nothing romantic going on. Or at least nothing that we’re going to pursue. Even Galen slips in these sly comments and, to be honest, I don’t want my friendship with Andy to be complicated by you bored, happily married people looking for intrigue.”

I grabbed a cashew from the bar’s bowl of mixed nuts and awaited her rebuttal, knowing she could see right through me.

“Bored? Honey, Tucker read some book on tantric sex, and let’s just say I don’t need to waste time thinking about anyone else’s sex life.” She clinked her glass against mine.

“TMI, Jenny! You’re starting to sound like Nancy.” We laughed, and I put my head on her shoulder.

Just then, Haley strolled in wearing a flowing knit sheath, skinny jeans and heels, her hair bouncing as if in slow motion. It felt like there should be music playing. Jenny and I looked down at our sweaty yoga clothes and sighed.

“That Galen was pure perfection,” she said, sliding onto the stool next to mine. “Now, I forget; is he single?”

“He’s gay,” Jenny and I replied simultaneously.

“Well, I could change that.” She leaned her elbow on the bar seductively.

We both stared at her incredulously.

“I’m
kidding
! Alright, girls, let’s hit it,” she said, picking up our purses and handing them to us. “Karl hasn’t turned off my credit cards yet!”

***

We parked outside Chi Chi. Jenny readjusted the car six times while parallel parking in what I assumed was a passive aggressive attempt to irritate Haley. Haley, however, was too busy to notice as she was reapplying her lip-gloss for the third time.

“You must have most supple lips on the planet,” Jenny remarked.

“Being single requires vigilance,” Haley replied.

When Jenny finally decided that the car was straight, Haley jumped out and went right into the store without looking back. I sat there in the back seat, studying the Chi Chi sign: brushed steel and teak with a sage Green lotus. It was elegant, sleek, and exclusive—everything I had left behind.
You no longer belong
, it admonished. Or maybe it was the voice of Louise chanting in my head.

I couldn’t go in there.

Jenny turned off the ignition, turned to me and said, “Whaddyasay? New yoga mat on Karl with a K?”

“You know, I think I’ll just head over to High Tea.”

“And leave me alone with Paris Hilton? I don’t think so.”

We were now standing just outside the door, and the perfume of lavender and vanilla assaulted my senses. It made me appreciate the earthy simplicity of the Yoga Garden’s citrus and eucalyptus.

“Alex, what’s up?”

I faced her. “I can’t shake the feeling that I’m going to run into Louise in there. And as much as I’m over Marin, Louise is another story. I just couldn’t take it.”

“I highly doubt we’ll see her in there,” Jenny assured me.

“The fact that there’s even the slightest possibility is enough for me,” I said, looking for Haley through the window. She already had her arm piled high with yoga clothes and was talking to every stranger within earshot.

“Please, Jenny. Just tell Haley I was thirsty, and meet me when you’re done.”

She looked at me for a long second and said, “Alright, but you owe me big time.”

“Thank you!” I said, turning before she could change her mind.

High Tea was probably the only safety-zone around, having been deemed by Louise “too hippy.” It was surprisingly empty for a Saturday afternoon. I ordered a pot of jasmine tea, found a hidden table in the back, and poured myself a cup. Inhaling the steam as it wafted upward, I attempted to return to the feeling of my tree pose; to tap into the “deep well” that Galen was talking about.

As I sat there, I thought about my life now.
Not
then. I loved my little Goodwill-furnished apartment. I loved my friends. I loved my job. I loved my dog. I loved that I could forget to put make-up on for weeks at a time. I loved that I could be myself. Then I realized this was the happiest that I had ever been in California. Forget Louise; the world felt wide open.

By the time Jenny and Haley walked in, I felt pretty close to enlightened, although their large shopping bags tugged at my envy strings just a little, broke as I was. As they approached my table laughing, I noticed that Haley had her arm hooked through Jenny’s. They sat down at the table with a whoosh of air, energy and laughter.

“Shopping is powerful medicine,” Haley said.

“This woman is funny.” Jenny continued to laugh. “Tell her what you said about Texas back there.”

“Haley, are you comparing cowboys again?” I replied, happy that Jenny had gotten a glimpse of Haley’s charm.

“I think you may have set some shopping records.” Jenny reached over and peeked into Haley’s bag.

“Oh, girl, that was nothing.” Haley looked at Jenny, and they started laughing again. I took one last sip of jasmine tea and said, “Where to next? Confession?” It was the lingerie store next door.

Jenny and Haley looked at each other, then burst into hysterics again.

“What did you two
do
in Chi Chi? Do they have a back room I don’t know about?”

Jenny calmed herself down. “Once you start laughing, it’s hard to stop.”

“Well, why stop?” Haley said, rather profoundly.

“Okay, fine, don’t stop laughing, but I’ll take the keys, because you two are clearly on something.”

I smiled at them. I was actually having a nice time too, in Marin no less. We headed toward the door, their giant bags making our exit less than graceful. Once out on the street, Haley put on her sunglasses and said matter-of-factly, “Okay, time for you to show me the house.”

Jenny stopped laughing.

“What?” I asked, hoping I had heard her wrong.

“The house. I’ve never seen it,” she said, checking her phone.

Without even thinking, I said, “No.” But part of me wanted to see the place one more time. How would I feel? Would Tripp be there?

I started to feel dizzy.

Jenny jumped in. “I don’t know about that, Haley. Another time, maybe.”

“Why? We’re already here. Come on. Just a quick drive-by. I need to see where Allie spent the last year.”

Giggling Jenny was long gone.

“Seriously, Haley. Give it a rest. Not gonna happen.” She scowled and shook her head as if chastising a puppy. “I was starting to see your charm, but the lack of sensitivity is stunning.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I
am
being sensitive.” She slipped her phone back into her purse. “Alex needs to see that she’s over it. Then she can move on. Moving on is essential to achieving our greatest potential. Rodney says so.”

“Rodney
Yee
?” Jenny was baffled.

“Or maybe it was Dr. Phil. Either way, it’s good for her. It’s good for you, Alex.”

“Oh, come on Haley. This has nothing to do with Alex. You just want to compare mansion sizes.” Jenny’s voice was getting louder.

“Maybe, but we both win.” She shrugged and turned to me. “Alex, face your demons,” she said like an exorcist.

I threw my hands in the air.

“Oh, whatever. Fine. If you want to see it, you can see it. Maybe she’s right, Jenny. It seems like you both keep saying the same thing anyway,” I said, remembering her comment at Thanksgiving about holding on to my anger.

Jenny was silent. Even Haley was silent. I dug down into that well of strength. My taproot.

I go deep. I am grounded. Dancing in the gale force wind.

***

I was fine until we got to Skyliner Court, then my stomach started to turn. I know now it was my instinct—that fight or flight response telling me to run—run very fast in the other direction. But did I listen? No. I was propelled forward by some New Age-y notion about inner wells of strength and fortitude blowing in the wind.

Jenny slowed the car to a crawl as we passed the house, maybe reliving some memories herself. There was a “For Sale” sign hammered into the sprawling lawn with a “SOLD” banner taped across it. From where I sat crouched in the back seat, the landscaping looked especially severe, my hedges now sculpted as instructed by Louise. Honestly, it all looked like plastic.

“Pull in here!” Haley shouted.

Startled, Jenny swerved into Nancy’s driveway, which was hidden behind a ten-foot hedge that separated the two houses.

“Someone’s over there!” Haley said in a stage whisper.

Jenny and I ducked. Haley jumped out of the car.

“Wait, Haley, where are you going?” I hissed.

As if on some sort of kamikaze mission, Haley tiptoed on long legs and peeked through the large hedge. Unable to control myself, I jumped out and joined her, the adrenalin rush familiar. She turned and grinned at me. Who was it? Tripp? Lauren? Suddenly, Jenny was standing with us too.

“What’s going on?” she whispered. The three of us were lined up, our faces buried in Nancy’s towering euonymus. I saw someone moving by the mailbox, but a cluster of leaves blocked my view. I pushed it to the side and there was—

“Louise!” Haley shouted, darting out from behind the hedge and loping across the lawn.

I stood there, frozen, afraid to breathe. Maybe Haley wouldn’t tell Louise that I was here. Maybe if I crept back to the car—

“Alex! Look, it’s just Louise. Alex, come out here!” Haley yelled.

We were flat-out busted. Jenny’s eyes looked like they were going to pop right out of her head. She squeezed my hand, and we walked out slowly, my heart in my throat. Once I had wanted my life to appear perfect, so I never told Haley about my troubles with Louise. Now I regretted my vanity.

“Hi, Louise,” I muttered. “We were just, um, showing Haley the house.” I wanted to die—like cease-to-exist die. Death had to be less excruciating than this scene, and I had willingly walked right into it.

“Alex.” Louise shook her head at me. Then she turned to address Haley. “Odd as this is, it’s a lovely surprise to see you, Haley.”

“I think of you all the time, Louise! Ever since our conversation at the wedding, you’ve been my inspiration. I only hope I can be the woman you are someday.”

I’d never thought of her that way, but I supposed Louise was an ‘ass-kicking blonde.’ Still, I couldn’t help rolling my eyes. Especially when Haley took her by the hand, and Louise smiled almost lovingly. I had never gotten more than barked orders and subtle digs, and here she was, holding Haley’s hand. But unlike me, Haley had no hidden disdain for Louise. She truly idolized her. And Louise knew the difference.