Breathe: A Novel (13 page)

“You’re in bad shape over here, huh?” He sat down next to me.

That doesn’t begin to cover it.

After all my obsessing and fantasizing, it was beyond disorienting to realize that I never could have had him in the first place. Did everyone know Galen was gay? Did I somehow miss that, just like I missed the fact that my husband was about to run off with his yoga teacher? I had unwittingly become a master of denial, completely self-absorbed and pathetically out-of-touch.

“Let’s get you outside. Your ride should be here any minute, and you may want to get that leg looked at.” He was so lovely.
Darn
.

“Oh, no, I’m fine,” I mustered, trying to stand up. Pain tossed me right back down onto Galen’s lap.

“Whoa, there. Let’s not rip the other one. Hey, Marco, help us out here.”

Marco lifted my arm around his massive shoulders while Galen did the same on the opposite side. Sandwiched between two gorgeous men, I made my way onto the sidewalk out front. I tried to enjoy it, still stunned by my discovery. Clearly, this was the closest thing to intimacy I would be getting for a while. They deposited me gently on a bench just outside the door. I had no idea what to say.

“Well, thanks. I’m so sorry I kept you so late. See you around?” Not. I mean, I could barely walk; I certainly wouldn’t be seeing him in class anytime soon. And obviously a date was out of the question. It was disappointing. These guys were so nice.

Galen laughed. “We’re not just going to leave you out here. It’d be a long, cold night for you if your ride didn’t show.”

Marco looked up and down the street, absent-mindedly rubbing the sides of Galen’s arms. It was so sweet it made me ache with loneliness. I was about to go down another path of dark thoughts when Andy’s truck pulled up. He rolled down the passenger side window and leaned toward us, face as bright as usual. “Someone here need a ride?”

I was about to make introductions, when Galen stepped over and stuck his head in the cab.

“No way, Andy! What’s going on? I was just thinking about you the other day. You here to pick up my carnage?” Galen laughed and stepped back to squeeze my shoulder.

“That would be mine.”

‘His?’ And wait. Galen knew Andy?

“You two? I can see it,” Galen said, nodding proudly, like he had set us up.

I jumped in too quickly and stuttered, “No, we’re not together. He’s just giving me a ride.”
Was that rude?

Andy seemed completely unfazed. “Yeah, I’m just the help. These Marin ladies run with a staff. Load her in here, would ya, fellas?”

Galen and Marco boosted me in. When the door was shut, they leaned against the window, one head next to the other like some sort of two-headed Greek god. Galen asked, “So how ya been? How are the kids?”

Andy has kids?

I pressed my head back against the seat so they could talk, and so that hopefully I would become invisible.

“Kids are great. Just got another grant. Life’s good.”
A grant for what?
“Just doing what I love, like you, Galen.”

They were beaming at each other. No one said anything for a moment, and no one seemed to want to say goodbye, except me. I coughed. Then Galen appeared to have some sort of idea. “Hey.” He squeezed my shoulder again. “Are you two around next weekend?” Not waiting for an answer, he said, “Why don’t you come over for dinner?” Didn’t he hear me? We were not a couple!

I reacted, unable to control myself. “We’re not actually—”

“Sounds great,” Andy cut me off.
What?

“Perfect! Seven this Saturday. Just come here. We can catch up then,” Galen replied.

“Excellent.” Andy turned to me. “Right? Hey, you hangin’ in there?”

I was squirming with embarrassment, irritation, and discomfort. “It hurts,” was all I could manage.

Galen looked at me sympathetically. “Alright, Andy, you get her home. Alex, once that leg is a little better, start coming to class again, even just to listen. Okay, Tiger? The energy in the room is healing.” He gently patted my knee, then looked over at Andy. “Great to see you, man,” he said, almost star-struck.

Galen and Marco backed away from the car while Andy threw the truck into gear and pulled away from the curb.

We rode in silence for a while, and I was glad for the quiet. I needed to think. My yoga career was basically over. I had been obsessed with seducing a gay man for months. And I had spent every penny of savings funding both endeavors. Not to mention I seemed to lose every shred of grace whenever Andy was around. So now what? I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Again.

“So now what?” Andy asked. I flinched.

“Huh?”

“Where to? Emergency room? Urgent Care? Some ibuprofen and a movie?” He was fiddling with the radio. Van Morrison’s ‘Crazy Love’ came on. I reached over and changed it. Static.

“Not one for love songs, huh?”

“Home, please.” I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold it together.

“The woman knows what she wants,” Andy said as he turned off the radio.

If he only knew . . . I had absolutely no idea what I wanted. This morning I thought I wanted a torrid affair with my yoga teacher and Olympic yoga status. Now I just wanted my leg to stop throbbing and my head to unclog.

Andy pulled up to a Redbox, turned off the ignition and looked at me. His hazel-flecked eyes were wide and clear, like a child’s.
Children.
What had Galen said about children?

“Andy, do you have kids?” I asked.

He laughed. “Yeah, lots of them. Now what movie do you want? I take it you’re not the romantic comedy type. More into the dark stuff? Torture, revenge, that sort of thing?”

Apparently, he didn’t want to talk about his kids. Why did I care anyway? So he had a few illegitimate children. I was in no position to judge. I just hoped he wasn’t married. I swore to myself the day Tripp left I would never involve myself in anything that resembled an affair. And this situation could certainly be misinterpreted.

“Are you married?” I blurted.

He laughed again. “Nope.”

“Good. I mean, not good.” What was I saying? “Okay, go grab the movie.”

“I’ll do that. Just don’t run yourself over while I’m out there,” he said, sounding so much like my big brother I wanted to cry.

Andy jumped out of the truck, and I watched him walk toward the big red box. Everything about him was so comfortable: the way he moved, talked, even the way he picked a movie. Tripp always had behaved as if someone important were watching him, even when we were alone. Come to think of it, so had I.

I rested my head against the seat again and tried to turn off my brain. I listened to my breath and focused on Andy in his faded Carhartts, trying to ‘stay in the present.’ Several minutes later, he jumped back in the cab next to me and tossed the movies onto my lap. I picked up the first one as he drove out of the parking lot.
Old Yeller?
Oh, no.
Normally, I could keep it together through almost any tearjerker. But when it came to movies about animals, I could handle nothing. Now, I was potentially facing an afternoon with a man who barely knew me, or, rather, knew way more than I cared to admit,
Old Yeller
, and no tissues. I was pretty sure I was out of toilet paper too.

“
Old Yeller
, huh? A little depressing, don’t you think?” I tried to keep my voice steady. Andy’s eyes were on the road, allowing me to get a good look at his profile. I felt the sudden urge to curl up next to him, to fall asleep with my head on his chest. Was I going insane? This poor guy was just trying to be nice. I needed to get home. I started counting in my head, in tune with the throbs of my leg.

Andy watched the road. “Well, I got two. I figured you might need a good cry, and this way you can pretend it’s because of the movie.” Clearly, I was not hiding the cracks in my composure. I fought to keep it together, to prove that I was not a floundering basket case. “I also got
Ghost Busters
, because you remind me of a hot female version of Bill Murray.”

A hot female Bill Murray. What did that even mean? Oh, God. He confirmed it. I was a wreck, destined to be alone for the rest of my life. Tears burned my eyes.

“You know, the compliment thing—not your strength.” My voice wobbled. “Maybe censor, just a little.” Tears streaked my cheeks. The dam was about to burst, and poor Andy happened to be the last floating reed that sent the whole thing crashing down.

“Alex, I was just kidding.” He was trying to soothe me. I could hear it in his voice, but it was too late. Between the pain in my leg and the reality of my situation, I couldn’t contain it anymore.

“You are not only kidding! I
am
a mess. I can’t figure out why you’re even helping me, but I guess it’s in your nature to help the pathetic. I have no idea what I’m doing, where I’m going, or even who I am. And the one person I thought I would spend my life with trying to figure it all out went and left me for Gwyneth Paltrow!”

“Really?”

“Well, no. But basically, yes!”

I was sobbing now, great, big, heaving sobs. I didn’t care. It felt good to cry and finally let it all out. I sniffed and snorted, wiped my nose on my sleeve, then kept on going. Andy had pulled over and now just sat watching me. At one point, he handed me a work glove. I used it to wipe my eyes and continued.

“What kind of person acts like this? First I parade around in borrowed clothes and a borrowed house like I’m some sort of Kennedy, and when that fails, I paint myself orange and join the yoga freak show. The worst thing is that I’ve been lost for years. I mean New York?” I choked. “Don’t even get me started. Why do I always feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong box? It’s like everyone knows some sort of secret that I can’t figure out. What is the secret?!” I wailed. Tears had soaked his glove at this point, and I was pretty sure our next stop was going to be the State Hospital. My head was down now, eyes fixed on the glove in my lap. It was silent for a while. When I looked up, his brown eyes were sympathetic and slightly amused.

“You done?” he asked.

“I guess,” I said, then laughed a little. “Sorry.”

“So what do
you
want?”

“Huh?”

“What do you want?”

“See, that’s the thing, I have no idea what I want. I keep thinking that I’ve figured it out, but once I get it, it’s all wrong.”

It was silent again, both of us looking out the window at the people and traffic whizzing past, oblivious to my meltdown.

Finally, Andy spoke. “Let’s keep it simple. Do you want to be here?”

“Where? In your truck?”

He half-nodded, half-shrugged.

I did. I couldn’t imagine breaking down like this anywhere else. “Yeah.”

“Good. Then we’ve got this moment covered. Do you want to go home and watch
Ghost Busters
? I figure
Old Yeller
is no longer needed.”

He handed me the other glove. I looked at him and nodded.

“Alright. Let’s just start there.” Andy put the truck back into gear and pulled onto the road. He shifted and glanced at me. “So what is
your favorite movie?”

I laughed; there was no unsettling this guy. I thought about it. My mom loved
Gone with the Wind
, so I’d seen that one several hundred times. And Haley loved Tarantino for his ass-kicking blondes. But what did I love? It was time I got back to the real Alex—starting with the absolute truth.

“I can’t remember,” I said.

“Well alright. We’ll just start watching a lot of movies.” He smiled and turned the radio back on.

***

When we got back to the apartment, Andy helped me up the stairs. We could hear Billy’s toenails tapping on the other side of the door as I fumbled with my keys. I turned the lock and a little black nose pushed through.

“Hi there, buddy,” Andy said, getting down on one knee and scratching Billy behind the ear. “I bet you could use a walk.”

Since the only other furniture I had was a bookshelf, some milk crates and the stolen dining room chair, Andy helped me onto the bed.

“I promise this is not an advance, but I figure you’d prefer your bed to that uncomfortable chair over there.”

“Leftovers from Marin. The bed is fine.”

I leaned back, feeling light-headed from the pain. Andy dropped my yoga mat onto the uncomfortable chair and went into the bathroom. I had no idea what he’d find in there, but I had no energy left to worry about it. He came back out with three Advil and a glass of water.

“Here, take these,” he said then went to the kitchen. “No ice?” he called.

“Ice? I don’t even have food.” I muttered, barely able to keep my eyes open.

Andy came back in the room and turned on the TV. “Okay, you get started on the movie. I’ll be back in a few.” He pressed play and handed me the remote. He found a pillow and placed it under my bad leg. “Come on, Bill. Let’s go for that walk.” He patted the side of his leg. “Here’s your phone. Call me if you need anything.”

I fell asleep before they even left the room.

When I woke up, Andy was asleep in his own camping chair with Billy on the floor by his feet. The movie was over, and there was a bag of melted ice under my leg. He must have bought some while he was out. I checked the time on my phone—5:30pm—then looked at Andy again. Dark eyelashes, flushed cheeks, hair falling in every direction. I wondered if I should wake him. He probably had something—or someone—to attend to besides me. I shifted my weight and winced. Andy stirred.

“How you doin’, stretch?” He looked at me with luminous eyes. When Andy focused his attention, it was so complete. I looked down at my leg.

“Better. Thanks.”

“I’ll grab you some more ice.” He pulled himself up off the chair.

He had a crease on the left side of his face, his hair had not calmed down, and his t-shirt was stuck half way up his torso. I laughed. He stopped and turned toward me.

“Yes?” He looked incredibly sexy.

“You’re kind of mess.” I bit my lip.

“Oh I’m a mess, am I?” He smirked, messed up his hair a little more, and then walked into the kitchen.

He wasn’t just cute. He was hot. Man, I needed to get a grip. First Galen, now Andy. Who was I going to project my loose-cannon infatuation onto next?

He returned with a new bag of ice and sat on the edge of the bed.

“I have to close things up at the greenhouse before sunset. There’s a salad and sandwich in the fridge,” he said.

“Thanks.” I didn’t want him to leave. “So where did you say you were going?”

“To close up the greenhouse. I’ll come by to check on you tomorrow.”

Shoot, I guess I sounded desperate.

“No, I’m mean, I’m fine. I was just wondering. I didn’t know you worked at a greenhouse.”

“Where’d you think I got my vegetables?”

“I don’t know. I thought you just sold them,” I confessed.

“You much of a gardener?” he asked, standing up. It was so hard to tell if he was serious. He always seemed to be teasing me.

“Well I grew up on a ranch, if that counts.”

Andy turned and stared.

“No kidding? We have a lot more to talk about, yogaholic.” He opened the door.

“More like yogarilla.”

“That works,” he said, leaning against the doorframe with a sexy smirk.

I took a sip of my water. “Yep, it’s all very ironic and completely humiliating.”

“Give yourself a break, Alex. You’ve accomplished something most people would die for.” I must have looked confused. “Dinner at Galen Daniel’s. I bet when word gets out, students’ll be tearing their hamstrings left and right.”

“Actually, I think you earned me that. How do you guys know each other anyway?”

“That’s a story for another time.” How different it was being around a man who didn’t like to talk about himself. “And I’m guessing you’ll give me another emergency call soon. Geyser in the kitchen or a smoldering staircase. I’ll tell you about it then.”

I grabbed an orange from my bedside table and lobbed it at him. He covered his head and ducked out the door. Then opening it a crack, he called through, “You can keep the camping chair for now. It adds something to the look you’re going for in there.”

“Thanks!” I called.

He peeked through, a smile on his floating head.

“You’re welcome.” His fingers grabbed the door. “Give a call if you need anything. I’m usually around. During the day, anyway.”

“Where do you live?”

“Down south. On the Peninsula.”

“Okay. Well.” I stalled, not knowing what to say, wanting him to stay. “I really . . . “ He waited. “I . . . Thanks, Andy.”

“No problem. Take care of that leg, alright?”

He reached down to pat Billy one more time before closing the door. I listened to him bounce down the steps and push through the front door. Turning my head, I could hear his footsteps on the sidewalk fading as he walked away, and although I was by myself, I didn’t feel alone.