Breathe (16 page)

Chapter Twenty

LOGAN

It was time to face the music.  For the second time, Bethany had drawn me to her while I was awake.  It was far too dangerous to let happen again until I could control it.  When I was jolted from my body while I was awake, my physical body went into a cationic state wherever I was.  I managed to make it back to my body easily this time, but I was still exhausted from the strength it took to shove Jack away from her.  I didn’t have time to recuperate.  I didn’t know where Jack was, and I needed to explain to Beth.  It was the least she deserved, and it was well past time to explain.

When I drove over to her apartment, there was still a small pool of blood on the concrete where Jack had landed.  He had managed to slink off into a corner to lick his wounds.  Hopefully, he had enough sense to stay away from her.  She wasn’t safe as long as she was in the same town with that monster. I hoped to convince her of that after our talk. 

I unhurriedly climbed up the steps to her apartment.  Stalling, I knew but I was nervous.  The next few minutes would determine the course of my life or even if I had a life.  It wasn’t worth living if she wasn’t in it.  I forced my way up the last few rickety steps and knocked on her door.  I was surprised that she answered quickly, as if she were waiting for me.

“Jack’s gone,” she said without preamble.

“I know.  Are you ready to talk now?  There are some things you deserve to know.”

Her answer was to turn and walk into the apartment and leave the door open behind her in invitation.  She sat down onto the floor and watched me apprehensively.  I took a deep breath and forged ahead.  The only way to get the truth out was to be blunt.

“So you know I was here earlier, when Jack followed you.”

She calmly nodded.

“And last night…”

She nodded again.

“My mother called it dream walking.  When I am asleep, my spirit can travel anywhere on this plane.”

Her response was to stare at me in disbelief.  I waited a minute to let it sink in.

“So when I was having the baby? How did you know?”

“Before you had the baby, I hadn’t come in over a year.  When I first moved, I came every night and waited until you were asleep to hold you in my arms again.  The first few nights, I just sat on the floor and watched you stare at the wall.”

I took a few steps closer to her and was relieved when she didn’t move away.  She patiently waited for me to continue.

“Then after a couple of weeks, I told myself that I was glad you were getting out.  You seemed to be getting on with your life.  But I couldn’t see you anymore after...”

It was hard swallowing past the lump in my throat when I had to remember that night.  The last one I had seen her before the baby came.

“After?” she prompted.

“The last night I came, you weren’t alone.”

I’d been waiting in her room for over an hour.  It was strange that I couldn’t find her, but I decided to wait until her curfew.  I knew she’d be back soon.  She waltzed into her room a little after ten, with Jack growling at her because she was late.  I made a mental note to pay Jack a visit before I left. 

“I was so relieved to see you, it took me awhile to realize you were opening your window.  I didn’t recognize the guy’s face, but I wanted to shove him back out the window.  When y’all started kissing on the bed, I went out of my mind.  I snapped back to my body, and it was the last time I dream walked to you.  I couldn’t watch you. It was too much.”

I didn’t want to talk about that incident anymore, but I needed to explain.

“I still visited Jack from time to time to make sure he kept his hands off of you, but I never saw you again.  I haven’t threatened him in a couple of weeks.  I guess he thought you were fair game again.  I’m so sorry.  ”

Her eyes lit up with understanding.

“It was you.  That was why Jack stopped.  You threatened him.  And all those nights, when I thought someone was there, it was you?”

It wasn’t really a question, but I nodded anyway.

“Why did you come back, Logan?”

I smiled at her.  Now, this part of the story didn’t bring me pain to remember.

“I was already on a plane back to the states.  I told myself it was because I wanted to go to college here, but I knew I had to try to see you, one more time.  I was in an airplane over the Pacific Ocean one minute, and the next, I was in your bathroom, watching you give birth.”

“What?”

“I’ve never projected before unless I was asleep.  My mother could do it, but she died before she could teach me.  Your spirit drew me to you.  You needed me, and without me consciously knowing it, my spirit answered your call.  It happened again today, when Jack attacked you.  I was watching a movie in my hotel room, and the next minute I was beside you, watching Jack try to tear your arm off.  In astral form, it is very difficult to interact with the physical world, but it is possible.  It is just very draining.  I pushed him away from you twice.  I’ve never had that kind of strength during a spirit walk, but for you, I can do anything.”

“How often did you come to me during one of your dream walks?”

“Every night since the first day you let me take you home.  I saw your back and …”

“It was YOU!  You were the one that I heard crying outside my door that night.  And later, you were the one that combed my hair until I fell asleep.”

“I couldn’t leave you alone at night after that.  At first, I came every night to check on you and make sure you were safe.  After we were dating, I was here in spirit form most nights unless I came in after I dropped you off.  Being in bed with you behind a locked door was too much of a temptation most of the time, it was safer to wait until you fell asleep and dream walk to you.”

She smiled weakly.

“I wasn’t’ always asleep.  I just assumed it was you in the flesh.  It was so dark, I couldn’t have seen you anyway.  So many things are making sense now.  Jack backing off.  Me sleeping better.  I must have sensed you were with me on some level.”

“You are taking all of this in amazingly well.  Most people would run screaming or think I had lost my mind.”

“If you’ve lost your mind then I have too.  I’ve seen and heard too much not to believe you.  I have so many questions, but one is foremost in my mind.  Why am I just hearing about this now, Logan?”

That was a loaded question.  It might take me a lifetime to fully explain that one.  I wasn’t even sure I understood the real answer to that myself.

“It was drilled into my head since I was a small child that this had to be a secret.  It was dangerous for anyone to know.  My mother hid me in a closet one day before she answered the door and disappeared out of my life forever.  My dad and I moved around constantly after that.  He was afraid if they knew about me, the people that took my mother would take me too.”

“I wouldn’t have told anyone.”

“I know that.  My dad was convinced if I told you, I would be putting you in danger.  He was against our relationship from the start because he was afraid people could use my relationship with you to get to me.  He had me convinced if I didn’t leave you safe in Fort Grange, that one day, I would come home and you would disappear out of my life too.”

I struggled to make her understand why I left.  I had to find the right words.

“At first I wanted to bring you with me, but it was impossible.  You were underage and my dad refused.  He threatened to cut off all finances if I tried to take you away with me.  He refused to pay for college.  I didn’t know how I would be able to take care of myself, much less you, if I defied my father and stayed with you.  If I stayed, you would be in constant danger.  If I left, I couldn’t bring you with me.  I chose the lesser of two evils.  I chose to leave.”

Her eyes focused on mine as she gave me a sad, watery smile.  It cut my heart.

“I would have gone anywhere with you.  We could have been beggars on the street, and I would have been happy.  I don’t care about money or danger.  I just wanted you,” she confessed.

“I messed up.  I was afraid and I ran.  Please tell me that it isn’t too late for us.  I’ll always love you.  I loved you every single second I was away from you.”

She looked toward the door, breaking eye contact.

“I’m sorry Logan.  There isn’t room for one more scar on my heart.  You made me different, then you left.  I couldn’t function.  I wanted to die.  That isn’t your fault, but I know I won’t survive it when it happens again.  I can’t afford to trust you.”

I crossed the distance between us and pulled her into my arms. 

“Baby, please don’t do this.  I can’t live without you.  I tried.  I can’t,” I shamelessly begged.

She shook her head in despair.  My knees gave way, and she sank with me to the ground.  I couldn’t stop the tears that fell from my eyes.  We sat on the floor together for hours.  Neither one of us knew what to do next.  Long after darkness fell, I finally found the strength to stand up.  I kissed the top of her head and walked out of her life.

I made my way back to the hotel and fell into bed.   Sleep was my only escape.  If the only way I could be with her was in my dreams, maybe I could just sleep forever.

Chapter Twenty-one

BETHANY

My shattered heart cried out for my baby and I was reluctant to admit, for Logan.  It couldn’t have either one.  The profound depression that consumed me was alarmingly familiar.  Self-destructive behavior didn’t fill the void last time and thankfully, I was intelligent enough to learn from my mistakes.  I had no clue how to put the pieces back together.  I was reduced to going through the hollow motions of living, not sure where my footsteps would ultimately lead me.

The suffocating depression eased somewhat when I was out of the apartment.  Work forced me outside the four walls of my self-imposed prison.  I tried to look for glimmers of light in my dark world.  It was gratifying to realize that my coworkers and a few regular customers actually missed me.  I paid my rent this month, thanks to the generosity of my coworkers, and Colleen allowing me to work shorter shifts while I was recovering from childbirth. 

After the public scene with Jack, it took me a few days to gather the courage to stop by the diner to see if I still had a job.  The scowl Colleen greeted me with was not very promising. 

“Where have you been?  You were scheduled to work yesterday and you never showed up!”

My down to earth boss was never one to beat around the bush or shy away from a confrontation.  While it made me extremely uncomfortable, I admired her for it.  I stared at her for a minute before I was able to form a reply.

“I wasn’t sure I still had a job,” I stammered.

Colleen rolled her blue eyes and fisted her hands on her hips.

“You’re right.  I had to think long and hard about it after you let that creep off with just a scalding lap.  A tray to the side of the head was definitely in order,” she angrily fumed.   “Amy told me who he was.  The arrogant jerk had the audacity to demand to see me, then insist that I fire you.  When I refused, he cussed a blue streak.”

Her face brightened as a brilliant smile lit up her face before she continued.

“I didn’t even have to ask him to leave.  The customers were so outraged by his behavior, they threw him out for me.  He was still sputtering while a couple of nice gentlemen escorted him to the door.”

Too bad I didn’t wait around to witness Jack getting thrown out.  It was an experience I would have savored.

“I thought you’d be upset because I lost it.  Something in me just snapped and I couldn’t take it anymore.” 

That wasn’t the only explanation.  It was relatively minor skirmish when it came to Jack.  I’d certainly been subjected to much worse in the past but that was when I was a scared little girl.  I wasn’t interested in timidly accepting abusive behavior anymore.  Nothing is quite as empowering as bring a new life into the world.  I owed my son so much.  He saved my life in more ways than one. 

Colleen cleared her throat, bringing my attention back to her. 

“Let’s take this conversation back to my office,” she quietly suggested.

It was late afternoon.  Besides a few people lingering over coffee and pie at the counter, the quiet diner was deserted.  I was curious.  What did she want to discuss that was too personal to discuss out here?  I followed her through the busy kitchen as they were preparing for the lunch rush.  Jason, the prep cook was washing and chopping veggies.  The dishwasher was finishing up and loading the last few plates in the machine.  They both smiled and nodded at me as I passed by.  Returning their smiles felt awkward on my lips.  It was almost painful.

Once we reached her office, Colleen gestured toward the metal folding chair in front of her desk before she closed the door.  I sat down with a bit of trepidation, this conversation would be intense.  The first time I was a recipient of one of Colleen’s famous “come to Jesus meetings” was when we discussed my pregnancy.  Recently, it was to deliver the tip money my fellow waiters donated on my behalf to help with expenses after the baby was born.  Despite the fact that I knew Colleen had my best interests at heart, I was cringing inside.  She crossed her arms and studied me for a minute before she began.

“No one has the right to talk to you that way.  Ever.  If it was a regular customer, I’d prefer that you walk away and come get me to deal with the situation.  That’s my job.  When an abusive man insults you and gets a lapful of hot coffee, I call that justice,” she spat with fire in her eyes.

“I wished I’d been around to see it.  Amy said you were brilliant,” she exclaimed wistfully.

Her grin faded when her attention turned back to the reason she wanted to talk to me.

“That’s enough breath wasted on that useless man.”

I took a deep breath and steeled myself for her next remarks.  Was she going to fire me now because I missed my shift yesterday?  Colleen always declared she didn’t have the time to waste on people who didn’t want to work.  In this small town local jobs weren’t easy to come by, so she could afford to be choosy about who she hired.  When someone didn’t show up, often it meant the end of their employment at the diner.  Whatever job I had must be within walking distance of my apartment.  That really limited my options.  I couldn’t afford to lose this job. 

“What are your plans now that the baby has been born?”

Trust her to plow headlong into a painful subject without preamble.  I hadn’t even thought that far ahead.  For months, my focal point had been progressing through the pregnancy.  There were times the task seemed impossible.  Especially after work, when my feet were so swollen that I could barely see my toes.  It was grueling, but I kept a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and delivered my baby safely into the world.  I’d found him a loving home and the opportunity for a great life.  While that was an accomplishment, my future was lost in a fog of depression.  I couldn’t see far enough to know what came next.

“I haven’t planned that far ahead,” I hesitated.  “I guess I’d still like to work full-time here, if that’s an option.”

“Of course it’s an option.  You are one of the best waitresses I’ve got.  You should’ve come in to check the schedule, but I’ll let it slide under the circumstances.  That’s not what I was asking though.  What are your plans for the rest of your life?  Are you planning on re-enrolling in high school next fall?”

I couldn’t envision myself returning to the circumscribed world of high school after everything I’d experienced.  My perspective on life had significantly broadened.  Things that seemed so important and earth shattering in high school were insignificant.  I never really fit in there.  Now, I couldn’t go back even if I’d wanted to. 

“It’s been too long.  It’s already October, it’s too late this year.  I’d be two years behind.  Besides, I don’t feel like I belong there anymore,” I confessed.

“I can see how the kids there might seem pretty juvenile to you after all you’ve been through.  High school has its place, but I think you’ve already outgrown it.  What about college?  You need a diploma or a GED to get into community college.”

My mind revisited old dreams of a full scholarship.  I diligently studied the first two years of high school, fantasizing about a university far, far away from Fort Grange.  Now, I was a high school dropout, working in a diner, living in a slum apartment, with no means to get out of Fort Grange.  Part of me wanted to leave this town and never look back because Jack would always be here.  Another part of me was terrified to leave my hometown.  This was all I knew.  The few people I could call friend were here.  I had a job, and a place to live.  It was more than some people had.

“I don’t’ know the first thing about how get my GED.  Even if I had it, I can’t afford college.  I barely make enough to pay my bills.  College is a pipe dream.”

“Now, you’re just making excuses.  You are capable of finding out what it takes to get your GED.  There are also these things called grants and student loans, I’m sure you’ve heard of them.  I didn’t say it was easy.  College is attainable if you are willing to work towards it.”

“I don’t have a computer to even go online to look,” I continued arguing obstinately.

She marched over to the laptop on her old wooden desk and twisted it towards me.

“There you go.  You can use this whenever you want,” she looked at her watch.  “You’ve got a couple hours before your dinner shift.  Get started.”

She turned and left the office without a backwards glace.  I sat there in the wake of hurricane Colleen for a few minutes.  She was right, as usual but it still rankled to admit it.  I stubbornly stared at the blank computer screen.  Finally, I hit the power button and waited for the computer to boot up.

A small wisp of hope began to curl in my chest.  Maybe it wasn’t too late.  Maybe I hadn’t screwed my life up beyond all redemption. If I was able to get my GED, how would I be able to get into college?  I’d never progressed very far into my college search my sophomore year.  My sole focus was maintaining my grades to secure a scholarship.  I wasn’t even sure what career path I wanted to take.  I loved history and English, but I wasn’t sure those subjects could equal a livelihood.  I didn’t expect much, just a job that provided a decent standard of living. 

I wasn’t sure were to begin, so I started with a few google searches. There were several online practice GED tests you could take.  I even found a few online tutorial sites to prepare for the GED.  The test seemed pretty straightforward.  It would require catching up in a few areas, but the test seemed feasible if I did my homework. 

By the time my shift rolled around, I had been pleasantly surprised to learn that I was eligible for several Pell grants and loans.  Since I’d been on my own for the last year, the only income I had to claim when applying for financial aid was mine.  According to some online calculation tools, I qualified for the maximum in grants which should at least cover a few courses at community college.

Colleen came back a few minutes before my shift started. 

“So, what did you find out?”

“I’ve got some work to do especially in math, to pass the GED test. I looked into college.  I need to take the entrance exams first.  I’d probably qualify for Pell grants, but I’m not sure how I’d get to class.  The closest community college is thirty minutes away, and I don’t have a car.”

“I happen to know that Kyle is taking a few classes there on Tuesday and Thursdays.  If you could schedule your classes around the same time as his, I bet he’d be happy to give you a ride,” she encouraged.

I didn’t know Kyle that well.  He graduated a year ago.  We rarely talked any more than necessary to work together.  He seemed nice enough, but I kept him at arm’s length, like I did most people.  Once my pregnancy became obvious, he constantly offered to close my station down for me when we worked the same shift.  At first I refused and insisted on doing it myself.  As my belly swelled, I swallowed my pride and allowed him to vacuum my section and wipe down the tables at the end of my shift.

“I don’t know.  I really don’t feel comfortable asking.”

I was hoping she’d drop the awkward subject.

“I knew you’d feel that way, so I already asked him.  He’s a nice guy.  I wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise,” she pressed.

Why did I feel a little ulterior motive at work here?  Surely Colleen wasn’t trying to fix me up just days after I’d given birth. 

“I think college is an achievable goal.  You still have to get your GED first.  It’s just something I want you to think about.”

I walked around her to get to my apron before I answered her.

“I’ll try to get my GED.  No promises beyond that.  Please don’t mention this to Kyle again.  If I decide to go to college, I’ll find my own way to get there,” I warned.

She stalked away and muttering “stubborn brat” under her breath.  I sighed and made my way to my first table of the night.