Breaking Rules (14 page)

“Are you leaving soon?” Gabe asked.

“As soon as I can get clocked out,” I said, looking back to the office. “I’ll just—”

“Yeah, sure,” he said, nodding to the door. I turned and disappeared into the office again,
stopping just inside the door to take a deep breath.

He
’d driven thirty minutes from Desden just to make sure I was okay? What kind of guy does something like that?

The kind of guy who likes you, that
’s who!

But no.
Not Gabe.

He hadn
’t stopped by for any other reason than to make sure that I hadn’t gone off the deep end… right?

I took a few deep breaths and signed my t
ime card as quickly as possible. I hustled to get back to the storefront. I walked in on a conversation I should’ve known would unfold the moment I left the two men alone.

“Dude, I knew you looked familiar,” Jones said, staring open-mouthed
at Gabe. “But holy cannoli, man. You’ve changed. What happened to your glasses? And look at your arms. When did you get so thick? I mean, look at you—”

“Stop that,” I said, slapping Jon
es across the back of the head as I walked by him.

Gabe smiled despite his discomfort.
He shifted between his feet as he inched a little further away from Jones.

With my purse slung over my shoulder, I nodded at the front door to let Gabe know I was heading out. I rounded the counter
to join him just at the door, and he held it for me as I stepped outside.

“Are you in a rush to get home?”

“No.”

“Good. How ‘bout that walk, then?” he asked as if he’d been hanging on to
the hope that we’d finally get to take the walk he suggested the night before.

“Sure, yeah, that sounds fine
.” I kept my arms folded at my chest as we turned down the sidewalk. I didn’t want to drop them or let them down; I was too scared of what I might do if my hands started roaming free. Part of me thought I’d wrap myself around him, hugging him and thanking him for being so kind to drive all the way from Desden just to check on me. Another part of me thought I might grab his hand and lock my fingers with his, just to feel his warm skin against mine.

I knew that my
hands were best kept right against my body—as far away from Gabriel Raddick as I could get them. I knew that was for the best, but that didn’t mean it would be easy.

“So you’re moving to California,” Gabe said, and his tone was a little more somber than I’d expected.

“Nothing’s official.” I kept my eyes fixed on the sidewalk as we moved away from the bakery. We walked a little slower than I was used to moving, but the way Gabe dragged his left leg, I was afraid that even that pace was a bit much for him. So I walked even slower. “Dad’s thinking of taking a job back home, and if he does…then, yeah. I guess that’ll be the case.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said, drawing his words
out a little longer than usual. “I guess that’s the fight I walked in on last night?”

“Yeah.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”

“There’s no
t really much to say.”

A frown settled on
his face. He gave me another hard look, and then he shrugged.

“You said he’s thinking of taking a job
back
home. You’re from California, then?”

“Born and raised…
well, raised for the most part,” I said. “Mom always wanted to be a TV writer, and Dad got his start as an extra on the same show she was interning for twenty years ago. He broke into daytime TV, and she followed. They fell in love, got married, had a couple of kids, and that’s about the time my life went to hell.”

Gabe smirked.
“Right out of the womb, then?”

“Yeah,
that seems accurate enough.”

“
All right,” he said, looking at me from the corner of his eye. “And you’re upset because… you don’t want to go?”

“You know how they say there’s no place like home?” I asked, and Gabe nodded. “Truer words have never been spoken. There’s
no
place like home, and there’s not a day that goes by that I’m thankful for that very fact. If I could spend a lifetime avoiding ever going back there, I would. Honest to God, I would.”

Gabe started to say something, but then he hesitated. After a few long seconds of silence, he closed his mouth and turned to me, watching me
with a sunken expression.

“So no,” I said, finally answering his question. I looked up at him and met his gaze for the first time since we’d set out on our walk
. He watched me without faltering for a moment. “I don’t want to go back, but I’m not sure that really matters. If Dad takes the job, we’ll be out of Sugar Creek faster than you can say
see ya later
.”

“Can I pry?”

“I suppose.”

“Surely you have friends and family out there
?”

“Yeah, sure,” I said. “Friends I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, and family that I never care to see again. I know it sounds heartless, Gabe, but I made up my mind a long time ago to stay here in Sugar Creek. I like the small town life
; I love that I don’t have to be around all of those people from my past. I never want to go back to California. I’m still trying to get away from it.”

He kept his lips pressed together, either unwilling or too afraid to inquire any further about what I
’d left behind. He seemed to search his brain for a few minutes for something safe to say; I thought, based on the way things had gone lately, there wasn’t really anything he could say to make things worse. And then he opened his mouth and proved me wrong.

“Well, we’ll miss you at RI if you have to leave,” he said. “Lashell will be heartbroken, and I won’t have anyone to put me in my place. It’ll be rough without you.”

A frown settled in my expression.

I didn
’t want to be missed. If I had to go, I’d just rather be forgotten altogether. No one back home had much of a problem forgetting me, even my own mother; I hadn’t been gone two weeks before the phone calls ceased, the messages died down, and everyone stopped inquiring about my wellbeing altogether. It had broken my heart, but in a way, it was somewhat of a relief. I didn’t have to keep holding on to the life I wasn’t allowed to have.

If I had to leave Sugar Creek, it would make more sense to just let go and forget everything here, too.

“You don’t have to pretend you’ll miss me,” I said, throwing him a glance. “It’s not like I’ve been with the program for months or years or anything. It’s not even been a week.”

“But once you’re in, you’re family,” he said. “And we hate to see anyone go.”

“Well, it’s nice to know I’ll be missed,” I lied because I almost felt he wanted to hear it.

“
If
you go.”

“We’ll go,” I said definitely. “There’s no way he’s going to pass it up. It’s the role of a lifetime; it’s the call he’s been waiting on since we were
kids. And I hate it; I do. Dad was getting comfortable here, Bailey had climbed her way to the top, and I was
just
finding things that I liked, things that mattered to me. You know that I got accepted to Desden University last week, and I couldn’t even celebrate it with anyone? Bailey wouldn’t care, and I could never tell my dad. He’d have a fit if he knew I’d applied to the English program.” Gabe’s brows pulled together, and I shook my head. I couldn’t believe that I just told him that. I hadn’t told anyone! My acceptance letter was still hidden at home under my mattress, unseen by anyone but me. Up until this moment, that letter was my best kept secret. And now Gabe knew.

“
My life is here. I don’t want to give up DU, leave the Raddick Initiative, or lose any of my friends, but I don’t see how I’ll have much of a choice.”

I
watched Gabe’s expression change, and I knew exactly where his thoughts had gone. He was remembering how he’d found me at lunch, sitting all alone with no friends in sight. I’d already admitted to him that I didn’t have any friends; I’d left them all and refused to make more. He would’ve been a fool to believe that I was telling him the truth just then. It wasn’t my friends I would miss if I had to leave. I couldn’t miss something I’d never had.

I would
’ve missed
him
. And although I sensed he picked up on that subtle hint, he lightly smiled and played dumb.

“And Jones even mentioned there’s a special fella in your life,” Gabe said. “It won’t be easy breaking that off. Relationships are never easy to end.”

“On a positive note, though, it’s not a relationship. And it’s not even anything special,” I said, and his shoulders suddenly relaxed as if my admission had come as a relief. “Jones had no idea what he was saying back there.”

“So there’s no guy?”

“Oh no, there
is
a guy,” I said. “It’s just… he’s not
my
guy. It’s nothing, really. It’s just a stupid crush, that’s all.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“I don
’t know.” He shook his head. “You say it’s just a stupid crush, but I’m not convinced you really think it is.” He studied the way my hands fidgeted at my chest. “You’re tense just talking about it.”

“I’m not tense.”

“No, I’ve watched you, Mandy,” he said. “You’re tense, and that’s unlike you. You’re never this stiff. There’s something—”

“It’s nothing, Gabe,” I said
, giving him the same speech I’d given both Bailey and Jones. “Or at least nothing I can figure out, so there’s no point in even worrying about it.”

“I can try to help if it’s something you want to talk about?”

“What is it with you always trying to fix everything?” I asked, and he shrugged. “I don’t know, okay? I’ve found myself in pretty big mess lately. I’m not sure it’s the kind even you can clean up.”

“Try me.”

“Okay,” I said, finally dropping my hands. “But I’ve warned you: I’m a mess.” With a smile, he nodded, and I sensed that was his way of saying that he’d already figured out that much. If he meant anything else by that nod, I had no idea what it was. “I’m drawn to someone, even though I’ve done everything I can think to do to fight it. He’s someone whose past is still a mystery, and whose present is something that just baffles me. And, despite the fact that his whole being is just one giant question mark, I’m still convinced that he’s supposed to be in my life somehow.”

“
That doesn’t sound so bad,” he said. “It’s human nature for us to feel those connections sometimes, even if it is with a complete stranger. We have a tendency to be drawn to comfort and familiarity, and sometimes we find those things in the people we least expect.”

“But I wasn’t looking for comfort and familiarity,” I said. “I wasn’t looking for
anything.”

“
It’s a common belief that a person finds what they’re looking for the moment they stop searching for it,” he said. “And I’ve come to believe that’s not something that’s limited to matters of the heart. Sometimes we even find the things we’re wanting long before we ever realize we want them.”

“I know exactly what you mean.”

“But when it’s a feeling that moves you, Mandy, sometimes you just have to trust your instincts and pursue whatever it is that your heart’s telling you to. That’s what I did with RI. I had a feeling, so I went for it. So now you have the opportunity. Ask the important questions, and turn all those mysteries and questions into something clearer, something you can understand. It doesn’t have to be ‘one giant question mark.’ Learn what you need to learn to satisfy your curiosity. Get the answers you want. Do something about it.”

“It’s good advice, don’t get me wrong,” I said, nodding a few times. “But it doesn’t really apply to my situation.”

“And why not?”

“Because I’m leaving,” I said. “And even if I wasn’t going anywhere, even if we were staying right here in Sugar Creek, there are a million other reasons that it would never work with this guy.”

“Name one.”

“I’m not cut from the same cloth as other girls, Gabe,” I said, finally admitting out loud what I’d always known
was true. “I’m not so naïve that I believe in fairytale endings just because they exist in fiction. I don’t care about that kind of stuff. I never have. Relationships, intimacy, happily ever afters… I don’t know that that stuff even matters. It’s all so complicated; relationships are messy and unnecessary. To be honest, I’ve spent my entire life a little skeptical of anyone who thinks that love is a prerequisite to happiness.”

“Ok
ay, so then it’s easy,” he said. “If it’s not what you want, if a relationship is just too much for you, then drop it. Let it go. Stop thinking about it.”

“If only it were that easy,” I retorted. “As hard as I try, I
can’t
quit thinking about it.”

“Then maybe it
is
what you want, and you’re just too afraid to face it,” he said.