Breaking Nova (28 page)

Once we’re both on the shore, he threads his fingers through mine, and I let him guide me deeper into the trees as rain drips down on my head and down my arms. We keep hiking through the forest, and the farther we go the more I start to calm down. By the time we reach an area where the trees open up, I’m mad at myself because I’m so tired of doing things and having no direction and being confused all the time. I just want to be Nova, or at least find out who the real Nova is.

When we stop, we’re standing on a rocky shore that stretches out to a glistening pond. The river flows into it over the towering rocks in front of us, and the entire area is almost completely encompassed by enormous, jagged rocks, and flourishing trees. “I give you a private place to clean off.” He smiles, motioning at the water.

I remove my fingers from his grip and walk up to the water peering down in. “You just found this by accident?”

He nods, stepping up beside me with his head tipped down so he can examine my eyes. “How are you feeling?”

I rub my eyes. “A lot better, actually, but a little tired.”

“You look a lot better,” he says. “I figured the walk here would calm you down and then you could clean off. And when we’re done, I’ll take you back and you can get some sleep.”

I rub my eyes again. “Thank you.”

He starts to unbutton his shorts. “You’re welcome.”

I don’t think he gets my whole meaning. I’m not just saying thanks for pulling me away; I’m saying thanks for letting me calm down, for letting me breathe, and for telling me that I shouldn’t be doing the things that I do.

He slips his shorts off and my gaze instantly goes to his boxers, my heart beating deafeningly inside my chest. Even though I’m a little out of it, I can feel my cheeks heating, because I’m pretty much staring at his manly parts.

But he gives me no time to get too embarrassed as he takes off toward a section of cliffy rocks at the side of the pond and he climbs up to the top of the highest one of them. “What do you think?” he calls out as he stands on the edge, staring down at the water. “Cannonball or swan dive?”

“Belly flop,” I say, and he shakes his head.

“No fucking way. Do you know how bad that would hurt?” He turns around and does a backflip right off the edge, his head coming so close to hitting the edge of the rock that I gasp.

He makes it into the water, though, and launches a splash into the air. Seconds later, he bursts through the surface again, running his hand over his head, slicking his hair back. “Your turn,” he says, paddling his arms as he floats farther out into the water.

I glance down at my muddy clothes, nervous about stripping down in front of him. When I glance up at him again, though, he has his back turned to me, staring up at the rocky cliffs at the far side of the pool.

I seize the opportunity to drop my shorts and pull my shirt off. My bra and panties are covered with mud, too, but I can rinse them off in the water. I walk up to the shoreline and stick my toe in, shivering from the cold temperature.

“What? You’re not going to jump in?” he asks. When I look up at him he’s looking at me, and I mean really looking at me, his honey-brown eyes skimming my body. I think about ducking behind a bush, but then what’d be the point? He’s already seen me, and I can’t erase that from his head.

I hike up to the rocks and hoist myself up on the tallest one. I stand on the edge and then shut my eyes. Summoning a deep breath, I jump up and cannonball off the side, falling and falling and falling. When I hit the water, a chill disperses through my body, and I quickly paddle my way to the top, breaking through the surface. I take a deep breath, wiping my eyes off and blinking against the water droplets dripping down my forehead.

“It’s pretty fucking cold, right?” Quinton asks, floating over to me as I smooth my hair out of my eyes.

I nod, tipping my head back into the water. “A little warning would have been nice.”

“Yeah, but then you would have probably backed out and not jumped in.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. It’s probably a good thing you didn’t tell me.”

We grow quiet as we float around in the water with our arms out to the side, listening to the river water falling off the rocks. The clouds start to break apart in the sky and I detect a tiny bit of sunlight streaming in.

“I seriously want to draw this place,” Quinton divulges, looking around at the rocks and the trees.

“You could, still,” I say. “We still have a couple more days left here.”

“Yeah… maybe.” He tears his eyes of the rocks and focuses on me. “Nova… I have to know, do you really want to be with me, because sometimes it seems like you do and sometimes it seems like you don’t, and I don’t want to add to your confusion.” He moves his arms in a circular motion, swimming backward and putting space between us. “In fact, I think I should probably back off… I like you and everything, but I think I should back off.” He repeats himself at the end like he’s trying to convince himself more than me.

I use my arms to turn in a circle, gazing up at the clearing sky. “I’m confused…,” I mutter. I’m not sure if he hears me, but it’s the realest thing I’ve ever said. I stop spinning and float in front of him. “About everything. Not just you, but life. And I want you to back off, but I don’t at the same time.”

His breathing becomes ragged as he stares at me and his pupils shrink as I tilt my head back and smooth my hair down with my hands again, my chest and bra rising up over the water. When I sink back down under the water, he starts to swim at me and seconds later his lips crash against mine as his arms encircle my waist. My arms link around his neck in response and my mouth opens up to his tongue as he slips it inside, devouring me with a deep wet kiss. Our bodies crush together, and it feels odd because the cold water masks our body heat, almost like neither of us really exists, and this moment isn’t really happening, which makes it easier to do things.

As if my legs have a mind of their own, I wrap them around his waist, and he’s supporting both of our weight as he swims one-handed, moving us toward the shore until my back collides with the sandpaper edges of the rock. I feel a little of my skin scrape off, but I don’t care. I press at his back, trying to pull him closer, even though there’s no more room left between us. His mouth consumes mine as he braces a hand on the rock next to my head and his other hand moves across my back. Then with a flick of his fingers, he unhooks my bra. I have no time to react as he jerks it off and tosses it up onto the rocks above our heads. The sensation of my nipples against his chest sends a quiver through my body, and suddenly I’m shivering from his touch and the cold water, desperately seeking heat.

His hand starts to travel down my back, and I arch into him when he reaches the top of my panties, then he pauses. I know I should tell him to stop—that I’m not in the right state of mind—but not being in the right state of mind makes it harder to say no. And what if I do and then he leaves me and I never see him again? What if I miss the moment
again
?

I don’t say anything and he continues to slide my panties down my legs and works to get them off my ankles underneath the water. Somehow he manages to do it without losing them in the current swirling around us and then he’s throwing that piece of fabric up there too. Within seconds he takes off his boxers and I have no time to react because everything is happening so quickly. I’m suddenly naked for the first time in front of a guy.

“Nova,” he breathes against my mouth as he cups my cheek with his forehead resting against mine. His eyes are squeezed shut and then he opens them up, and for a fleeting moment he looks like he doesn’t want to this, like he’s torn on what’s right and wrong, real and fake, and I understand completely.

I don’t say anything as he presses his mouth to mine again, slips his tongue out and parts my lips with it. He groans, shuddering, and I shiver in response. My legs open up to him, and he positions himself between them as he strokes one of my nipples with his finger. When our bodies connect in every place, I can feel the tip of him pressed up between my legs. Part of me wants him to slip inside me, so I can feel what it’s like before I miss my chance again. But the other part of me thinks it’s wrong because we’re in the middle of a pond, with no protection, and I have no idea what I want or who I want.
I should know what I want, shouldn’t I? I need to figure stuff out.

But I can’t seem to get the words to come out because the regret and what-ifs own me, so I let him slip his tip inside me. I immediately wince from the pain, sucking in a sharp breath as every one of my muscles seizes into knots. I feel wrong, along with a million other things, because I’m not sure I want this. In fact, I don’t think I do. Not like this. The truth in my thoughts suddenly opens my eyes and I figure out what to do next.
What do I do next?

Quinton freezes, goes dead still with the tip of him barely inside me. My chest is heaving from the pain and fear and my thoughts are a blurry stream or numbers, emotions, and distorted thoughts as I try to figure out what to do. Keep going. Stop.

“Nova,” he says in strained, almost pained voice. “Is this… is this…” He opens his eyes, which are filled with more guilt then I’ve ever seen. He sucks in a deep breath. “Have you never done this before?”

My body is shaking and my teeth are chattering and I can’t seem to get control of my nerves or voice, so I shake my head instead. His whole body goes rigid, and I can feel the beat of his pulse pounding between my legs. He starts breathing so loudly it covers the sound of the water falling from the rocks , but I can’t hear myself breathing at all.

“I can’t do this,” he whispers, and it looks like he’s going to cry as he pulls out of me. He starts to swim away, but I grab him, panicking, fearing I’m going to lose him. Or maybe it’s Landon. I’m so confused. Lost. Always lost.

“Please don’t go,” I say, but it sounds unreal, just words disconnected from my emotions.

He shakes his head, looking horrified. “You don’t want this Nova… want me. You’re better than that.”

“No, I’m not!” I scream. Actually scream. My eyes go wide, shocked at the anger in my voice, so real and raw. “I’m not better than you. Him. Anyone!” My voice echoes for miles and the water ripples around me as I try to stay afloat. “I don’t even know who I am…”

He shakes his head again, moving his arms in the water, backing away from me. “No, you are better. You’re just confused right now for whatever reason. But soon you’re going to open your eyes and see who you really are and that you don’t belong with a bunch of fucking loser drug addicts.” Pain laces his eyes and I can see something inside him, something heavy that I can’t even begin to understand. “You don’t belong in a pond about ready to screw some guy while you’re fucking high, headed down a road of self-destruction. Because that’s where you’re going to go if you keep going down this road. Trust me. I know.”

My lips tremble as tears threaten to spill down my cheeks. My head falls down and I stare at my distorted reflection. “I belong here.” But my voice is just a whisper as memories of my past overwhelm me, ones of who I used to be—with Landon. “I belong somewhere…”

He reaches up over the rock above us and grabs his boxers before swimming to the shore and I don’t try to stop him. I can’t. I’m losing focus on the present as the memories that I try to block take over my mind.

He gets dressed and then hurries for the trees, leaving me alone in the water, alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. I try to backtrack how I got here, to this lonely place, but I can barely remember the journey and all I want to do is go back to a time in my life when everything felt right and made sense. I want stuff to make sense again. I don’t want to feel so wrong inside.

I cover my chest with my arms and start to count the beats of my heart, but it doesn’t do anything for me. I try to count the tree branches, the clouds, the stars as they peek out of the sky. But nothing is helping, and as my emotions start to emerge and chip down the wall I built around that night—around myself—I can no longer shut it down. It rams me in the chest, like a wrecking ball, and nearly drags me under the water. But somehow I manage to heave myself up onto the rocks. Staring at the stars, I grab onto my wrist, pressing my finger to the scar that’s over my erratic pulse, feeling myself falling to that place again. The one where nothing makes sense and the past overtakes me.

Then I break to pieces, losing control over my thoughts and actions. I can barely understand what’s going on as I try to grasp reality. But panic, sorrow, anger, and remorse take me over and pull me down. I try to count something—the stars, the trees, my heartbeats—but nothing is helping. And in the end, the past catches up with me.

And I remember. Everything.