Breaking News: An Autozombiography (21 page)

‘
First one of us to make a mistake will be dead I should think,’ I said as we headed in the opposite direction to Al and Vaughan.

‘
Okay then, a dead gay-lord.’

We walked around the outside perimeter, creeping silently in the shadow of the tin and breezeblock monstrosity. It was huge on the outside, and the others got to their waypoint first.

‘
We’re in place, it’s clear. Over,’ Al crackled.

Jay and I didn’t hurry. When we got to the end I motioned to Jay who nodded and I poked my head round the side. I’d forgotten about the Halfords which was joined at the hip to the DIY store.

‘
It’s clear,’ I said to Jay.

‘
We’re here, it’s clear, my dear…’ Jay was doing his Mick Jagger.

‘
Say “over”, over,’ Al hissed.

‘
Sorry,’ Jay was giggling, ‘“Over”, over, over.’

For all his military pretensions, Jay was riddled with an endearing streak of irresponsibility, and had the most infectious laugh I’d ever heard. Al laughed back, to show he wasn’t that bothered, but I swear I heard him say “over” before he clicked off. We sidled down the edge of the shop, which sold car and bike parts supermarket-style. I wasn’t sure if we could salvage anything from there or if indeed any of it would be useful, except maybe the car air fresheners. I had the list; we’d stick to that for now, we could always come back down here for more.

‘
Okay, we’re at the front corner of the building. The entrance is forty feet away from our current position, over,’ Al crackled.

‘
Hold your horses,’ Jay said into the radio. ‘I’m starting to see the flaw in splitting up, we’re miles away. We can’t see anyone though.’ We walked quickly across the car park to the corner of the store. I could see Vaughan’s head poking out from the other side, and gave the thumbs-up.

‘
I can see them,’ I said to Jay.

‘
We can see you, over,’ Jay relayed.

‘
I know, Vaughan’s just told me,’ Al said. They were both laughing. ‘Meet you in the middle, over.’

We walked quickly until we all met up at the front entrance. The doors were locked, no-one had forced entry and no alarms were going off. Vaughan had grabbed one of those low trolleys you only get in DIY places and tried nudging the doors with it, but it was too low. It wasn’t long before we had sat a second trolley on top of it with its nose jutting over the front end of the one underneath, like a low battering ram. Vaughan backed it up, then he and Al powered towards the glass door, accelerating with each step. It frosted on contact and fell out of its frame in tiny cubes. There was another door inside, but Jay found a fire extinguisher and hoofed it through the glass to the inside of the shop. Still no alarms, probably due to the power cut, although I’d always assumed that alarms were on their own power supply just in case society broke down. We climbed over the twisted door frame and into the cool darkness of the store. It was pitch black, which I hadn’t anticipated.

‘
Fuck. I can’t see anything.’ We were totally blind – there were no windows anywhere at all in the building and our eyes were more in tune with the blazing sunlight from outside.

‘
What if there are some in here?’ Vaughan sounded worried.

‘
There shouldn’t be; we didn’t see any doors open on the way in,’ Al said.

‘
But what if they were in here when it all kicked off?’ No-one had any suggestions about that, although I did think someone should stay by the door as a lookout whilst we looked for a torch.

‘
Don’t forget batteries,’ said Jay, who had taken up position, sword at the ready. We started out into the cavernous gloom of the store in a group of three, but we lost Al and soon Vaughan trailed off too - so much for safety in numbers.

‘
I’ll look down here,’ he yelled, far too loudly for my liking.

I found the torches where I thought they’d be, down by the tape measures and spirit levels. My eyes were slowly getting used to the murk, so soon I could see that only one of the torches on the shelf came with its own batteries – not pre-installed, I was disappointed to see. I burst a packet open, but the batteries skittered away under the shelving at the bottom of the display. I opened another one, more carefully this time, and inserted the batteries. Light.

‘
Here you go lads!’ I shouted confidently. I shone the beam up and down the aisle, the sound of my own voice and the thought of a hand on my shoulder giving me goose-bumps. I saw packs of batteries though, and took four of the biggest style of torch down, took them to the batteries at the end of the aisle and selected the appropriate size. I propped the first one on the shelf and used its beam to kit all the torches out with some power. More light. Vaughan was behind me, and I handed him two of the torches.

‘
One’s for Al.’ I walked back down the central aisle to Jay, who was still standing guard.

‘
I’ve seen no-one,’ he told me. I gave him his torch as Vaughan and Al turned up, heaving a bit of eight-foot by four-foot plywood, which they propped up against the shattered glass door.

‘
At least we’ll hear them coming in.’

I showed them the list, ripped off the bottom of it and sent Jay off to get the small bits like the binbags, screws, and gloves. Al didn’t hang around to be issued with a task, and went to look for the chainsaw and the nail guns. I told Vaughan I wanted to sort out the bits we needed to collect water, and he was happy with finding the axes and saws and other stuff we’d need for building shelters.

I found the water butts, and decided on two of the smaller ones instead of one big one of the same capacity in case of accidental tipping or contamination, as well as ease of actually getting them back up to the top of Cissbury Ring. I put one inside the other and unhooked a few bags of extra water butt-related guff it looked like I might need. I walked to the guttering and down-pipes – I knew where these were as I’d only just fitted guttering to the pent roof of my workshop – and selected a good fifteen feet of round pipes the right width, and another fifteen feet of normal guttering. The tarpaulin was flimsier than I’d have liked, but it did mean I could get a better ratio of water-collecting surface area to weight. Jay soon appeared behind me with his rucksack bulging.

‘
I’ve got all the bits, plus rope and white spirit.’

‘
We should all carry some rope.’

‘
I’ve already got all of the good stuff; I just took the whole reel. There’s some chain there too.’

I got Jay to show me what screws he’d picked up, then filled the extra space in my rucksack with screws of different length and purposes, and thinner rope. When I was done we went to find Al, and met Vaughan who was after some chain to attach all the axes and saws to his belt. We took a reel of chain each and moved on. Al was in the power tools section, a large bay overlooking the cash tills and the front doors beyond. He’d found a compact chainsaw, petrol-driven and about a foot long.

‘
We won’t need one that’s any bigger than this for the trees up there, but I don’t know whether to get the petrol one or the longer electric one.’

‘
We’ve got no way of charging it up,’ I said.

‘
Yeah, but I’ve got fuck-all petrol to salvage from the car,’ he said, rubbing his chin.

‘
There’s a combine harvester in one of the fields below the Ring. Maybe we can get some fuel out of it.’

‘
Okay, petrol it is. I got those,’ he nodded to a stack of four boxes. ‘Nail guns. They take gas canisters.’

I sat on the ground to strip the guns of their packaging. Al had also found several drums of plastic nail strips, so we started to pack them and the chainsaw into his rucksack. Al couldn’t use the saw on the way back up, so he kept back one of the nail guns and filled it with ammo.

‘
Now, where’s the safety mechanism?’ He inspected the front of the nail gun whilst I shone my torch at it. There was a metal plate which pushed into the body when it was pressed up against something, which made sure you couldn’t fire nails through the air irresponsibly. Jay got out a roll of gaffer tape and ripped off a few strips, and Al ended up laying the tape crossways over the muzzle, pinning the plate in place.

‘
You’ve blocked the end off,’ Jay was prodding the gaff.

‘
Watch,’ Al said, as he raised the nail gun and fired twice. The nails burst through the tape and thudded into a chipboard display stand boasting empty plastic tool boxes to many ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’. We gathered round, poking the heads of the nails which had sunk into the display a good two inches or more. Al showed us the tape on the end of the gun, which now had a neat little hole blown out of the centre.

‘
Cool.’

‘
Nice one.’

‘
Gig buns.’

‘
Right, who wants to volunteer for a mission to destroy the denizens of the undead?’ I shone the torch under my chin and pulled a Boris Karloff face, ‘…and to pick up a few bits from my house. I only need one of you; the rest can wait here inside. Keep the radios on; my house is well within range from here.’

‘
What do you need from the house chum?’ Jay asked. I showed him my salvage list.

Ordnance Survey Explorer Maps 121 & 122

Ray Mears’
Book of Outdoor Survival

‘
Lofty’ Wiseman –
SAS Survival Handbook

David Bellamy’s Eye-Spy book of birds

David Bellamy’s Eye-Spy book of trees

Reader’s Digest –
The Ever-changing Woodlands

Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall –
The River Cottage Year

Charles Dickens –
A Child’s History of England

Bill Bryson –
A Short History of Nearly Everything

Collins Paperback English Dictionary

JRR Tolkein –
Lord of the Rings
Trilogy

Shakespeare – Complete works

John Wyndham –
The Day of the Triffids

Big first aid kit

Toilet paper

Antibacterial hand gel

iPod

All TV comedy DVDs

‘
That’s a back-pack full in itself!’ Al snorted.

‘
I know, but we need all of it. Except maybe the iPod I suppose. I’ve got room in my pack; the water butts won’t fit.’ I was sensing some resistance to my plan.

‘
I can see the use of the survival books, and maybe the dictionary and I could do with reading
Triffids
again,’ Jay mumbled, ‘but what about the DVDs? What are we going to do, hew a flatscreen TV out of chalk?’

‘
It’s
Partridge
.’ I frowned, and then added: ‘Al brought a vinyl LP with him.’

‘
I’ll go with you chum.’ Vaughan said, heaving off his rucksack.

‘
Okay, well, let’s do it now. Got your axe?’ I asked him.

‘
Check.’ Vaughan grinned.

‘
Bye,’ someone said it first, but soon we were all sarcastically cackling the two-tone ‘by-eee’ that people do at each other.

Vaughan and I reached the house without seeing anyone. The fires were close now, we could smell them. I still fumbled for my keys at the front door like an idiot, before stepping into the cool dark. I was pleased the fridge didn’t reek, but I could smell something from next door leaching through the walls as I split the list in two.

‘
I’ll do the books; the DVDs are all upstairs, but they’re in no order. Get, all the British TV comedy of course, but only on DVD; make sure you pick up
Spinal Tap
and
Ghostbusters
though.’ He laughed then saw I was serious.

‘
Ooh, and
Withnail
,’ I said, ‘…and
Shaun of the Dead
, and
Austin Powers
. Oh, and
Threads
. Any Coen brothers. The Romero boxed set, obviously. Just grab a load, but make sure you…’

‘
Get the British TV comedy DVDs, I know. Anything else?’

He was being sarcastic now. I worked through the titles on the bookcase, getting half way through my list before I peered into the back garden. I could see no-one out there, although the ladder was now on the ground, having split next door’s fence in two. Maui curled around my legs, and yawned. She’d probably had a fantastic few days. I contemplated bringing her, but decided more weight was not needed. I had already underestimated the amount of stuff I wanted to salvage, and had to add the last minute additions of toilet paper and antibacterial hand gel to what I had already.

Vaughan appeared as I sorted the rest of the books out. We packed them neatly into my rucksack along with the DVDs and other bits. I ditched some of the extraneous stuff Vaughan had chosen - like obviously the remastered
Star Wars
trilogy - and replaced them with some of my prized VHS tapes. I had inherited my dad’s habit of hitting the record button on significant news days, much to my mother’s – and more recently Lou’s – discontent. I had recorded a ‘live’ mix of the BBC News 24 and Sky News when the attacks on the World Trade Centre happened (I only got home after the second plane had hit though), and a few years later during the London bombings. I had also got some of the various colourful revolutions that had happened in Eastern Europe, and the eve of Blair and Bush’s Gulf War. I had the original transmission of
Live Aid
, and a fair amount of the first UK series of
Big Brother
. There were sixteen tapes in all, which I wrapped in carrier bags. Vaughan had to take them.

‘
I always end up with carrier bags,’ he said.