Breaking Hearts (7 page)

“It’s not fair to her. No matter how much I want to sit out here and kiss you, I can’t do that to her.”

Okay, already.
No need to beat me over the head with it
. “I have to go in.” I hopped out of his Jeep and counted the thirty-nine steps up the walk to keep from running, my pride insisting I not look back as he drove away.

Three days later, Simon walked into a bank in the middle of a robbery.

I knew the chances of being allowed in with Simon at the hospital hovered in the low-to-not-happening range, but I had to go. Knowing I might never see him again, drew me to the parking lot. It took ten minutes to talk myself into getting out of the car. Somewhere in the hospital, Simon lay broken, probably dying. My head pounded from the hours I’d spent crying. My heart ached at the thought the world--
I
--might never see his smile again.

I rode to the fourth floor with no idea how I would be able to manage the walk into his room. As the doors whooshed open, I inhaled the smell of antiseptic and death. A sob tore from my throat, and the doors started to close while I breathed in and out through my nose, trying to get my shit together. The last thing I wanted was to fall apart here, in front of his family, the waiting room full of his friends, and most especially, his sister. I walked in, and Keaton stood to meet me.

“How is he?”

He rubbed a hand down my back. “He’s tough. He won’t leave us, Dani.”

Simon’s mother put her hands in mine and tugged me in for a hug. “Thank you for coming.” She barely resembled the always put-together, perfectly made-up carpool mom I’d seen so often growing up. Her hair, instead of hanging straight and smooth, fuzzed with curls, and her eyes were puffy and red.

I couldn’t do more than nod around the lump in my throat. “Can I see him?”

She cupped my cheek with her palm. “Of course. Joss is in with him now, but when she gets back, you can go in.”

Keaton led me to a seat next to him. Simon’s mother sat beside me on the other side. She huddled with her husband while I leaned in to talk to Keaton. “What have they said, Keats? Is he going to wake up?”

He swallowed hard. The sound broke a little part of me. His eyes were shot with red from crying, and his hands shook as he reached out to comfort me.

After a minute, I pulled out of his embrace. For Keaton to look so devastated, Simon was worse than I thought. They’d been almost inseparable for the biggest part of their lives.

“They said he’s hurt pretty bad, and every day he doesn’t wake up is…” He looked down at his shoes, then lifted his head and dropped a hand on my shoulder. “He’s tough, Dani.”

Hearing it a second time--as though he needed to convince himself--didn’t calm the trembling in my hands.

“And he has a lot of reasons to wake up.”

“You doing okay?” A sob broke from one of us; I couldn’t be sure who, but tears streamed down his cheeks.

“He’s my best friend.” His voice cracked. “I would trade places with him in a minute.”

“He knows that. You guys are…” I couldn’t bear the thought of what we would all lose if Simon didn’t make it. “Just tell me he’s going to be okay.”

“He’s gonna be great.”

We sat quietly, wrapped in hope and grief until Jocelyn strolled around the corner from her visit with her brother. She stood in front of Keaton and her sadness drew him to his feet, guided his arms around her, his instincts taking over where his words could not.

After a few moments, she moved away and looked at me. “What are you doing here?” Her voice held none of its usual venom or malice.

“Can I see him?”

The whir of the overhead fan provided the only sound in the room. All breathing and speaking stopped. “Why?”

I blew out a breath and counted ten tiles in the floor before I could answer. “Because I love him too.”

She opened her mouth. “Tha--”

Before she could refute the statement with her warped Jocelyn logic, I shook my head and lifted my chin to meet her gaze. I wouldn’t hide how I felt about him to make her feel better. “And he loves me and you know it.” She snapped her lips shut, and I softened my voice, calling on the more-flies-with-honey theory. “Come on, Joss. Please. Let me see him. Then, I’ll go.”

The tight lines in her face relaxed. Her fists unclenched, and she drooped in Keaton’s arms. “He’s only allowed visitors every two hours. It’ll be a while before anyone can go back in.”

Relief flooded every nerve receptor I had. I stepped around her so she could sit by Keaton. “I’ll wait downstairs in the coffee shop.”

She reached out and grabbed my arm as I started for the elevator. “You can wait with us.” Keaton smiled at me, then leaned down and kissed the top of her head.

The clock ticked so slowly I checked and rechecked to make sure it still moved at all. No one spoke, and the silence in the room echoed louder than if we had all started screaming. I waited, praying for news, for a sign, for something to happen to bring Simon back to me.

When Joss stood, she looked over at me and nodded. Each step down the hall broke something inside me, and I swallowed a sob as she pulled the sliding glass door open. “You can’t stay long.”

She left the door open, probably eavesdropped outside, but I didn’t care. I pulled back a curtain and held in a gasp, covering my mouth so the sound couldn’t escape. After a moment, I leaned over and pressed a kiss to the only spot on his face still visible under the gauze and bruises. “Simon.” I picked up his hand, brought it to my face, and closed my eyes, soaking in the warmth of it. “I miss you so much.” An ache started in my chest and spread down the entire rest of my body. I’d blown all my chances with him, and I shook with the recognition I might not get another. “Please, don’t die. I know things between us aren’t right, but the other day, in front of my house, all I wanted was the way it used to be. Please, fight for me. I need one more chance. There’s some stuff I have to tell you. It’s about more than you and me now. You have to wake up.”

I wanted to crawl into the bed with him and wrap myself around his body, absorb whatever kept him asleep. Instead, I leaned over to lay my head next to his. “I know you’re in there, Simon. Just come back. If not for me, do it for Keaton and Joss…and your mom. You have so many reasons to wake up. If you only knew…” I couldn’t tell him. The words wouldn’t form. I sat quietly, listening to the sounds of his breathing. The monitors and pumps plugging him full of medicine whirred and beeped. I focused on those noises to block the sound of my heart breaking into pieces.

“Oh, for the love of God, Simon. Does every single thing have to be so hard between us? Just once, can’t we do things the easy way? Open your eyes and let me know you’ll be okay.” When he didn’t move and the beeps remained steady, I huffed out a sigh. “You are so stubborn. It’s one of those things that drives me crazy about you and makes me love you so much more at the same time.”

I brought his hand to my lips, then my cheek, and held it for a second against my heart. “I love you. Don’t die.” I turned to walk out.

A few days later, Simon woke up and I breathed my first sigh of relief in a while. Later, as I lie in bed thanking God for the miracle he’d given me, the pounding on the kitchen door started. I checked the window. Keaton.

“What are you doing here?”

“I blew it with Joss.” His eyes were rimmed in red and his hair stood on its ends as though he’d shoved his hands through it a few hundred times.

“What happened?” I led him to the table and curled my body into itself as I sat next to him.

“She asked me if Kieran is mine and…” He dropped his head to rest on his forearms.

“He’s not, Keats.” Oh, Lord. What had I done?

He jerked his gaze up. “What?”

“He’s not yours.” There. I’d said it and I’d said it with enough conviction his head sat straighter on his shoulders. “I’m not proud of it, okay, but I had a couple one nighters before I left and a fling right after I got to Arizona.” His frown deepened and the explanation tumbled out. “We had a fight, and you kept saying her name. I had to get out of there so I didn’t have to listen to you anymore. I went out and got drunk and met a guy. Jesus, Keaton, I’m so sorry.” I’d decided earlier in the day to tell him, and since he’d shown up already upset, I unloaded most of the whole story.

“You lied to me?” Keaton blinked rapidly as if trying to digest the information.

I didn’t flinch at his anger. How could I? I’d kept a secret that cost him her, again.

“I didn’t lie, Keats. I just didn’t correct you, but we never had sex, not since that one time in high school, anyway.” And we never spoke of that since neither of us really enjoyed much about it. “I mean, I wished we did. I wanted to, but you were so in love with Joss that even if you could have, I don’t know if I could.”

He rolled his eyes and plopped down in the chair across from me.

“Okay. I probably could, but it would have been wrong, and we would have both regretted it. I don’t need any more of those on my permanent record.” I sighed and continued before he could say any of the words I knew would be coming. “To be honest, I didn’t think we would ever come back here. I thought you would be a great dad, and we could build the life you wanted, and it would all be okay. I couldn’t be her or take her place in your heart, but for a while, after Kieran was born, I didn’t think it mattered so much. I thought you would get over her, and I would forget about him, and we would have a nice life. I pictured white picket fences, carpools…you being the soccer dad.”

He stood up, raking his fingers through his hair. “All this time, you let me think Kieran is mine when you knew damned well he couldn’t be?” He shook his head and glared at me. “I told my family about him. My mom spent this week out buying kid toys….”

I didn’t know what to say to make it right. Guilt inched its way along my nerve endings, heating my skin with shame. “I’m sorry, Keats. I wanted to tell you a thousand times, but I couldn’t.”

“Jocelyn hates me because of all this.” He turned his back to me, clenching and unclenching his fists.

At the mention of her name, my vision clouded, putting a red tint on everything in my sight line. Instead of getting loud, I leaned back and crossed my arms, adding a hint of sarcasm to my tone. “Oh, that’s right. The freaking world revolves around Jocelyn, doesn’t it? And what Jocelyn feels, and how my having a baby with or without you affects
Jocelyn
. I can’t believe I forgot such a well-known fact.”

“You know what I mean. I lost her again because she thinks we made a kid.” The hurt behind his words spoke louder than anything he said.

“I’m so sorry.”

He glanced up, doubt turning his eyes dark.

“Really I am. I’ll talk to her. I’ll tell her what happened, or didn’t happen.”

He turned slowly, a ghost of a smile tilting his lips. “Take my advice. Stay away from Joss for a while.”

I sighed. “All right. I could write her a letter. Send her a text or an e-mail if you want.”

“I better handle this one.” His shoulders slumped, and he leaned against the counter.

“What are you going to do?”

“Give her some time to cool off, I guess. I don’t know.” He yanked out the chair again and dropped his head onto his hand. “She’s all I want, Dani. I can’t live without her.”

Oh, how well I knew. “Then don’t, Keats. Fight for her.”

“She doesn’t take to that very well.”

“Don’t be a quitter now. I didn’t come all the way home to watch you give up on the one thing you need, no matter how ridiculous I think she is.”

“You have a way with words, Dani.” He blew out a long breath and jammed his fingers through his hair. “God, I could really use a drink right now.”

“Yeah. Getting drunk’ll solve it.” I went to the sink for a glass of water. “Here. Try this.” The glass shook as I set it on the table. How many mistakes would I make before I finally got life right?

“Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve stayed, anyway. You didn’t have to pretend with me.”

I sighed. “I was ashamed. I wanted to be better than the person Jocelyn tells everyone I am, but instead, I keep proving her right.” I hung my head, guilt and shame billowing through me. “I know I shouldn’t have let you believe he’s yours.”

He shrugged, waiting for me to continue.

“The only way I can think to fix this is to get a DNA test.”

“It won’t prove I didn’t sleep with you.” He smiled softly. “For the record, I would be proud to have Kieran for a son.”

I smiled softly. “You are going to be a great dad. Someday.”

“I keep hurting her.”

“Then stop.”

His eyes widened.

“Okay, this one is on me, but I can’t fix it with her. You have to do it.”

“I know.”

“And it has to be something big. Something extraordinary. Skywrite her name or take out a full page ad in the paper to say you’re sorry or whisk her away to somewhere you can be alone to work it out.” Simon had done all these things at one point or another. He might have acted tough and too cool for romance, but he’d been…perfect.

“She doesn’t respond to the grand romantic gesture.”

Boy did he have a lot to learn. “You’re so dumb. Do you know where I got those ideas from?” I didn’t wait for him to look up. “Your best friend did all of those things for me, and do you know who she loves more than anyone in the world…except herself?”

He frowned. “It sure as hell isn’t me.”

“Not today, but you can’t give up. I did
not
come back here to watch you lose her for the second time.”
To be turned down by Simon, yet again
.

He closed his eyes, leaned back in the chair. “She won’t talk to me.”

“She will. Just give her some time.” I covered his hand with mine. “Keaton, she would be a fool to let you go again. Trust me.”

Amid Jocelyn’s hatred and a new bout of my mother’s intense scolding, I made the choice to get the hell out of Storybook Lake again. Leaving Simon hurt the worst, but I had no choice. I couldn’t keep destroying the relationship Keaton desperately needed to be whole. By mere presence alone, I came between him and Joss without ever saying a word. Of course, I said several words, but even without my in-her-face sass, simply being there hurt her and, in typical Jocelyn fashion, she turned it around on him.