Breaking Free (22 page)

Chapter 36
:  October 2

It’s been a
lmost a
month since we returned, and I’ve gotten into a routine.  School has started, which keeps me busy during the week.  Things were weird the first few days because I wasn’t hiding my scars.  I got a lot of attention, both positive and negative, and soon learned the best way to deal with people.  For those who scoffed at me, I flipped them off.  Since I used to get along with everyone, the shock value of this alone usually convinced those people not to mess with me anymore.  For those who admired me, I told them they’d end up in a padded room if they did it.  That usually erased the look of awe from their faces.  In the end, my number of friends dwindled, but I still have a small group of people who don’t seem to care one way or the other.  I hang out with them during school.

Cheerleading practice is after school, so that takes up more of my time. 
I thought about quitting, but both my dad and Marta were strongly opposed to that.  I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to because Jenna’s not there, but at least it gives me something to do.

In the evenings, I take Daisy for a walk, do homework, call Nana, and then
study sign language or knit.  I’ve completed my pink scarf, a black one for JC, a blue one for my dad, and am currently working on a yellow one for Daisy.  I’m running out of people to make scarves for so I need to learn how to make something else soon.

I spend every Saturday with Elise, either working on Jenna’s room or shopping for things to put
in it.  The first day was as hard as I predicted.  With every item we removed I felt like I was erasing Jenna from my life a little more.  Once it was cleared and re-painted, it became easier because it no longer seemed like her room.

Elise
decided to make it a meditation room so we’ve also spent some time visiting spas for inspiration, sometimes getting manicures, other times facials, and most recently, massages.  Afterwards, she said that massages would become a monthly ritual for us as she believes that’s part of our therapy—we can’t heal until we relax.  I personally think she was just looking for an excuse for monthly massages, but I’m not complaining.

Sundays, my dad has
declared, are family days.  After my weekly therapy session with Marta, that is.  Once that’s over, we do something fun.  To his credit, he’s planned something for us to do every week and doesn’t once glance at his phone while we’re doing it.  I know that he’s still connected to work, though, because when I come back from Elise’s, I’ll often find him in his office watching a movie that’s in the editing phase, but as soon as he sees I’m home, he shuts it down.  He’s also decided he needs to learn how to cook.  That’s not going nearly as well, but luckily, I’m not too picky and can usually stomach whatever he creates.

Once a week, usually Friday night, I go to the cemetery.  That’s probably a weird night to go, but I like it.  It gives me an excuse not to go to parties since I always have plans.
  Visiting her was hard at first, but it’s getting easier.  I still miss her, but it’s not like it used to be.  I’m able to remember our times more fondly and haven’t had the vise-like grip of guilt at all.

The cemetery is
where I am right now, leaning against Jenna’s headstone and painting my toenails with the awful purple polish.

“Brad asked me to homecoming.  Can you believe that?  I guess he and Stace are really through now.”

I dip the brush back in the bottle and then add, “I thanked him because he’s the first guy who’s asked me out this year, but then told him no.  I couldn’t do that to JC.  Now Brad probably thinks I’m even more messed up because I told him I had a boyfriend.  No doubt he’s thinking it’s an imaginary boyfriend.  At this point, that may be true.”

   I lean back over and start the second coat.  “I talk to Nana every night, but he won’t get on the phone.  She says he’s doing a little better, but sometimes I hear him in the background and he doesn’t sound better.  He’s always shouting something that’s impossible to understand.”

I sigh and set the nail polish on the ground.  “I keep asking if I can come visit, but Nana tells me to be patient.  I’m worried he’ll never like me again, Jenna.”

I’ve been thinking this more and more lately.  I’m holding out hope that we’ll eventually be together again, but what if he’s given up on me?  What if he doesn’t love me anymore? I’m not sure what I’d do if that were the case.  He’s perfect for me.  I’ll never find anyone else
who understands me the way he does.

I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them.  The sun is
low in the sky, leaving the nighttime chill to set in.  “Maybe I should call Nana now.  I’ll put her on speaker so you can hear her.  She’s got the best southern accent.”

I press speed dial and wait for the ringing to start, but instead I get four tones and an automatic message
from a computer-sounding voice. 
We’re sorry.  You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.  If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and dial again.

“Yes, I’ve reached your recording
in error,” I grumble, hitting speed dial again.  It gives me the same result.  I go into my contact list, select Nana, and then hit dial.  Same thing.

“What the hell?” I ask, staring at my phone.
  I open my browser and find the website for the hospital.  Scrolling down the page, I see the main phone number so I dial that.  After getting transferred a few times, I reach the right department.

“Can you
connect me to Tyrell McCoy’s room, number 604?”

“One moment, please.”

While I wait, I grow more and more concerned.  Why is Nana’s phone disconnected?  Did she just forget to pay her bill or is it something more?

“I’m sorry, but room 604
is currently unoccupied.  What’s the name again?”

“Tyrell McCoy.”

“Let me check our database.”

After what seems like forever, he gets back on the line.  “I’m sorry, miss, but there’s no one here by that name.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Can you tell me when he left?’

“I’m not allowed to divulge such information.”

“Was it today?”

“I can’t say.”

“Yesterday?”

“Is there anything else I can help you with?”

I hang up without answering him and slump against Jenna’s headstone.  “What the hell, Jenna?  I called Nana last night and everything seemed normal.  What happened between then and now?  Did he finally decide to cut all ties with me for good?  I can’t believe Nana wouldn’t tell me herself.”

I bite my
thumb nail as I try to figure things out.  None of it makes any sense.  Unless he really wanted me out of his life.  This is what I’ve been dreading.  “I—I gotta go, Jenna.  Sorry.   I love you and miss you.”

I kiss her headstone and then jump in my car and race back home.  The whole way, all I can think about is
how JC must not love me anymore.  I can’t believe I let Marta, my dad, and Nana convince me he’d come around if I just gave him a little time.  Even Elise came to that conclusion when I told her what happened.  They were all wrong.  He didn’t want me then.  He doesn’t want me now.  It’s through.  All the hope I’ve been holding onto was for nothing.

I pull into the garage, slam my car into park, and rush inside. 
There’s a note from my dad saying he’s out picking up dinner for us.  I’m all alone and the feeling I haven’t had in weeks sneaks up on me.  It’s barely noticeable at first, like an itch you can’t quite reach, but it grows quickly as I picture JC telling me to leave.  He meant for good.

“Shit!” I yell, pressing my palm into my forehead as the feeling intensifies,
but it’s turning into something different than what I used to have.  Before, it was the suffocating weight of guilt.  This is a deep anguish as I realize the one person in the whole world who was meant for me no longer loves me.

I frantically search around the kitchen. 
I don’t need to cut to breathe this time.  I need to cut to forget how JC has hurt me.

The knives are still locked up, but our glasses are out.  I could smash one and have what I need in only a few seconds.  I remove one from a cabinet and
hold it in front of my face.  Just a few seconds for that sweet, sweet release …

Chapter 37
:  October 2-4

A whining
breaks my
concentration.  I look down and Daisy is there with her leash in her mouth.  She paws my leg and whines again.  It’s time for her walk.  My eyes dart back to the glass, but she nudges me with her nose.

“
Why doesn’t he like me anymore, Daisy?”

She
sits down and wags her tail, then drops the leash on the ground.  Her mouth is hanging open and she’s panting, nothing in the world mattering to her but the walk.

“I hate this feeling. 
It’s how Sheila made me feel, but this is worse.  I hated her.  I love JC.  His opinion means everything to me.”

She yips and puts her front paws on the counter, staring at the glass with me as though it holds the answer to my earlier question.

I know it doesn’t hold the answer, but it does hold temporary relief.  “It will make me feel better,” I tell her.  She looks at me and tilts her head, as if trying to understand.  “For a few minutes at least.”

She licks my
hand, so I set the glass on the counter and pet her head.  When I do, I catch a glimpse of my arm.  The only red scars are the two deep gashes that required stitches.  Everything else is white now, looking more and more like Kris’ thigh.

“After those few euphoric minutes, I’ll hate myself,” I whisper.  “I’ll have ruined all the progress I’ve made in a fraction of
a second.  My dad will be disappointed.  Marta will be disappointed.  Elise will be disappointed.”

Daisy must lose interest in the conversation because she drops to the ground and picks up her leash agai
n.

“I’ll tell myself it’s just this one time, but then I won’t be able to stop
.  My life will revolve around cutting again.  Suddenly, I’ll solve every problem that way.  Get a bad grade?  Slice up my arm.  Parking ticket?  Hack up my belly.  It’s all I’ll be able to think about.  As soon as I finish one cut, I’ll count down the hours until the next one.  It will go on and on until one day when I cut a little too deep … ending it all.”

Daisy
lays the leash on my feet in a not-so-subtle clue that’s she’s ready for the highlight of her day.

“You’re right,” I say with resolve.  “It’s not worth it.  I can’t go back there.
  I can’t risk it.”

Without another thought, I clip her leash onto her collar and rush out the door, far away from anything sharp.

As soon as we’re outside, Daisy pulls me to the sidewalk and down the hill towards Jenna’s house only stopping momentarily to sniff my neighbor’s mums.  I continue talking to her and pray none of my neighbors have their windows open so they can hear me.

“Maybe I’m wrong about all this.  It’s just a disconnected phone.  That c
ould be due to anything, right Daisy?  Maybe I’m just jumping to conclusions.  I have myself so freaked out, maybe I just jumped on the first thought that came to mind.”

She answers by tugging on the leash so we start moving again.

Across the street, Elise is outside watering plants on her porch.  She waves and Daisy sees her.  Since Elise always has dog treats on hand, Daisy starts pulling me in that direction.

“How are you two today?” she asks when we meet her on the steps.  She reaches into her pocket and
removes two dog cookies.

“Why would someone disconnect their phone?” I ask, as sh
e hands the first one to Daisy.

“They can’t afford it anymore?”

I nod.  That is a possibility.  I know JC’s family doesn’t have much money and the medical bills have to be expensive, but that wouldn’t happen all of a sudden.  It seems like Nana could’ve warned me about that.

“Why else?”

“They don’t want people calling them?” she says, as she gives Daisy the other cookie.

That’s my concern.  They don’t want me calling anymore.  That what started this whole emotional
frenzy.

“Why else?”

“What happened, Kelsie?”

I quickly explain the situation, leaving out my
gut reaction to the news and narrowly escaping a relapse.

When I finish, she says, “It could be something as simple as Nana wanting to switch cell phone providers.  Maybe she’s getting around to calling people and letting them know.  I bet you’
ll hear from her soon.”

I nod,
hoping she’s correct, but seriously doubting it.  That just doesn’t feel right.

Daisy and I finish the walk and then return home.  As soon as we reach the kitchen, I see the glass on the counter.  I hold it up in front of my face like I did earlier.  There’s a longing for the rush, but it’s not like I need to do it.  I place it back in the cabinet, surprised by my own willpower.  I have to imagine the drugs are playing a role in that. There is no way I would’ve been able to resist the temptation back in June.

Taking Daisy with me to the backyard, I dial Marta’s number.  I’m not sure if she’ll answer since this isn’t our usual time, but I want to tell her the good news.

“Hello?” Her voice is clipped like she’s in a hurry.

“It’s me, Kelsie.”

“Oh, hello
.  I wasn’t expecting you to call today.  Is everything okay?”

“Yes and no.”

“Tell me about it.”  I hear car doors slamming in the distance and some people yelling.

“I almost cut today.”

“But you didn’t?”

“No.”

“How’d you stop yourself?”

“I
told myself I didn’t want to do it and then took Daisy for a walk.”

“That’s wonderful
, Kelsie.  I’m very proud of you.  Are you still taking your meds?”

“
Yes … it was hard to stop myself.”

There’s a rustling sound, like Marta is doing something while she holds her phone up with her shoulder.  “I imagine it was, but it will get easier every time.  Do you want to tell me why you were thinking about cutting?”

“JC’s gone.  I’m worried he doesn’t love me anymore.”

“He’s not
gone.  I’m with him right now.  Plus, he wears that scarf you made him every day even though he’s in a climate controlled hospital.  That makes me think he misses you quite a bit.”

I sit up straight and beam.
  Was Elise right?  Is there a simple solution to all of this?  One that doesn’t involve JC turning his back on me forever?

“
Really?” I ask, wanting to be sure I heard her correctly.

“Yes.”

“Where are you?”

“
Thank you,” she says to someone else.  To me she says, “I can’t tell you.”

“
Why not?”

“Police orders.”

That erases the smile.  “What the hell is going on, Marta?”

“Give me a second.  I’m trying to register
as an approved guest.”

I put the phone on speaker and set it on my knee while I wait
for her.  There’s a series of muffled words and the sound of paper being moved around.  Then a beep and some footsteps.

“Are you there, Kelsie?”

“Yes.”

“JC had to change hospitals.  One of the gang members got in and all the way up to his floor.”

With those words, my heart threatens to slam out of my chest.  They’re still trying to kill him.  Will they ever stop?  “Omigod.  Is he okay?”

“Yes, security was able to disarm
the intruder before he hurt anyone, but we decided it was time for JC to leave.  We knew that time was coming.  We thought he’d be safe while he was in the hospital, but obviously we were wrong.”

“Where is he now?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Why doesn’t Nana have her phone?”

“The police confiscated it.  They don’t want them to be found.”

“You can g
oogle anyone and determine where they are.”

“They’re in the process of legally changing their names.”

Holy shit.  This is like stuff out of the movies.  JC wasn’t kidding when he said he grew up in a different world than me.  “Can I talk to them?”

“The police are being very conservative right now because they’re not sure how the gang
determined he was in the hospital.”

“That’s a no?”

“Not for a while.”

“Why do I feel like you’re just trying to wean me off JC, little by little?
  First remove me physically, now remove me by phone.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

I sigh and run my hand through my hair.  Daisy is chasing her tail on the other side of the yard, oblivious to the news I just received.  “Are you staying with him all the time?”

“No.  I’ll be here a couple days each week and home the rest of the time.”

“Tell him I love him.”

“I will.
”

After I hang up, I sit in the darkened backyard
thinking about what I learned as Daisy now barks at something on the other side of the fence.  The gang didn’t kill JC and he’s wearing my scarf.  Those are two good pieces of news.  I’ll cling to those for the time being.

*****

On Sunday, my dad decides we’re hiking in Topanga State Park.  I lace up my hiking boots that are still coated in mud from the storm while he loads water and fruit into a daypack and Daisy into the back of the Land Rover.  It’s a quiet trip, both in the car and during the start of the hike.

“You doing okay?” he asks when we pause for water on an uphill.

“Yes, why?”

“You’re awfully quiet.”

With a sigh, I say, “I can’t talk to Nana anymore.”

“Why not?”

I explain the situation and he’s shocked.  Apparently, he never knew why JC was in the hospital in the first place.  He asks me a bunch of questions, most of which I can’t answer and then he becomes the quiet one.  We start hiking again, me in the lead, and I have to turn around every few minutes to make sure he’s still there.

After forty minutes
, we reach a scenic overlook so I stop and pull out my phone.  I take a few pictures and then face my dad who is enjoying the view.

“I know it’s not like I was talking to him before anyway,
but I was talking to Nana so I had some sort of connection.  I felt like maybe I was helping him in some small way.”

“
I’m sure you were.”

I kick a pebble over the edge of the trail and into the canyon below.  “Obviously I want him to be safe, but I hate that I can’t know anything.  It’s not fair.”  I
realize I’m whining like a child, but I don’t care.

“
Are phones totally out?”

I shrug.
“Marta made it seem that way.”

“Surely there’s another way to connect with his family, right?”

“No,” I reply grumpily.  “I’ve checked all the social media sites.  None of his close relatives have an account and I don’t remember the names of any of his extended family.”

“Well, you know, back in the day, we used to communicate with
out computers and cell phones and Facebook and all that.”

I roll my eyes.

“I’m serious.  Write a letter.”

“I don’t even know where he is.”

“Marta does.  Address it to her.  I’m sure she’ll make sure he gets it.”

I bite my lip as I consider his words.  He does have a point.  I have Marta’s home address and she said she’s visiting him a couple times a week.  She could
potentially deliver a letter to him.  It might be worth a shot.

With renewed optimism, I hand my phone to
my dad.  “Take a picture of me and Daisy.  I want to send it to JC.”

After we get an acceptable one, I ask “Do you really think he’ll
eventually talk to me again?”

He gives me a reserved smile. 
“You’ll be able to answer that better than me since I hardly know him.”

Staring off in the distance, I remain quiet because I don’t know the answer.

My dad wraps his arm around my shoulders and squeezes.  “He did seem very fond of you when he woke up.  It wasn’t until he realized how serious his condition was that his attitude changed.”

I nod.  “
It sucks.”

“He’s a man.  He wants to appear strong in front of women, especially the woman he loves.  He wants to feel like he can take care of you, not like you have to take care of him.  It’s the way we are.”

“And if he never gets that back?”

“I’m
afraid I don’t know the answer to that.”

The rest of the hike I feel better because I have a
plan to sort of communicate with JC, even if it is one-way communication.  The only thing still weighing on my mind is my dad’s words about him wanting to appear strong.  He’s still strong to me, but if he doesn’t feel strong, my opinion probably doesn’t matter.