Breaking (9 page)

“
What
?”

 She squirmed.
“I know it’s silly.”

“It’s
ludicrous! How could you possibly think I would ever fall out of love with
you?”

“I didn’t
really. It was just that old insecurity showing its head—telling me that a man
as incredible as you could never be in love with plain old me forever.”

He was almost
choking on his outrage. “Don’t you ever think anything so ridiculous again.
You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved, and you’re the only one I ever will. You
understand, don’t you, that the world turns for me only because you’re in it.”

She was tearing
up, but she blinked the emotion away. “Yeah. Me too. I mean, you’re the only
man I’ve ever loved.”

“Good.”

“Also the only
man I’ve ever had sex with.”

“Good.”

She slanted him
an almost teasing look. “There’s some kind of double standard going on here.”

“Guilty.”

She broke down
into half-giggles, half-sobs and threw herself onto his chest again.

After a minute,
she recovered enough to continue from before. “Anyway, all that is kind of the point.
I think I’ve grown a lot, but I’m still that insecure little girl
sometimes—even if there’s no good reason for it. That’s what I meant before. Everyone
is kind of broken, so there’s not much sense in pretending you’re not with
someone who loves you.”

“I know that.”
He swallowed hard and hoped she would understand. “I was…I was just wrong.”

“Please don’t
hide from me again.”

“I won’t.”

Evidently, that
was enough for the time being. She reclined against the pillow again, nestling
against him. And Ander realized that he actually felt better. Not great. There
was still an ache in his chest that ripped at him every time he thought about
his father’s death.

But the awful
inner shuddering was gone, and he was more tired than anything else.

“You know,”
Lori said, after a long stretch silence, “I love you for the man you are—broken
or not.”

A different
kind of emotion shuddered inside him, threatening to overwhelm him, but he
managed to shape two words into the truth. “Same here.”

***

They spent most of the morning
in bed, watching the news and dozing on and off. Then they went out to lunch
and Lori asked him some more about his father. While it hurt to talk about, it
didn’t threaten to crush him the way it had the day before.

Lori wanted to
go to a bookstore afterwards, so they browsed the shelves for an hour, looking for
good books and laughing at lines from the ones that weren’t so good.

When they got
back, Ander was exhausted again, so he was relieved when Lori wanted to read.
He picked up a book on the human figure in Aegean art and tried to relax and
get lost in his reading for an hour or two.

He didn’t think
he’d fallen asleep, but the next thing he was aware of was stretching out on
the couch with his head in Lori’s lap.

Opening his
eyes, his first instinct was to sit up quickly, since his position was both
weak and helpless. But it felt nice. She was idly rubbing his neck as she read.
And he couldn’t find the will to straighten up and leave the shelter of her
lap.

So he closed
his eyes and let go.

***

They went to bed early that
night and were asleep almost immediately.

Sometime in the
middle of the night, Ander woke up to find that Lori was rubbing herself
against him in her sleep.

He moaned
softly, recognizing his body had started to respond.

Either the
sound or the motion woke her too. “What’s going on?”

“You must have
been dreaming.” He wrapped his arms around her, wanting to feel her against him
again.

“Oh. Must have
been a good dream, since it turned you on too.” She was pressed so close she could
hardly miss his growing erection.

“Yeah.”

Still rather
groggy, Lori twined her arms around his neck and opened her mouth to his kiss.

It felt warm,
safe, natural, right. Finding each other in the middle of the night. She was so
soft and strong and loved. He held on to her, feeling a knot unclench in his
chest as he murmured wordless endearments between kisses.

After a few
minutes, he was able to settle between her legs and ease himself into her body.

Sighing with what
sounded like contentment, Lori pulled her legs up to wrap around him, but
before she could lock her ankles, Ander had turned them both onto their sides.

She let out a
little gasp and shifted against him. Her legs still surrounded him, and he
could feel the weight of her upper thigh against his. She adjusted until her
heel was skimming his ass.

He reached down
to pull her hips against him more snugly. “Is this all right?” he asked softly,
pressing kisses into her neck.

She wrapped her
arms around him, gently stroking his back. “Good.” Her intimate muscles contracted
around him, clasping him as possessively as her arms did. “Ander, I love you.”

He made a
throaty noise in response to the pressure on his erection. “God, Lori, I love
you too.”

Ander eased
back slightly and then thrust his hips forward, and Lori squeezed her legs
around him as he moved inside her. He exhaled in pleasure at the deep sensations
and felt her loosen her legs as he drew back again. The position didn’t allow
for fast or urgent thrusting, so they established a gentle, rhythmic motion,
both of them still on the soft edge of sleep.

He raised his
face from her neck to find her lips again. She opened for him, and his tongue
delved into her mouth to match the sensual motion of their hips.

One of her arms
was trapped beneath his body, but she slid the other one up to lightly stroke
his head. He hummed against her mouth in response to her caress.

They continued
in lingering rhythm—nothing urgent, nothing desperate. And each time he rocked
into her, he felt pulses of pleasure build inside him. It felt good, and safe,
and as relaxed as he could remember. Although the sensations weren’t as hot and
urgent as other times they’d made love, it was a respite he desperately needed.

He realized,
though, that she wasn’t building to urgency very quickly. Or at all.

Ander finally
released her lips and breathed on her warm cheek. “What do you need, Lori? I
can last as long as you need. Just tell me what to do.”

She wasn’t even
breathing quickly.  “Keep doing this,” she whispered, catching his lower lip
between her teeth. “I love this.”

He moaned
deeply as she squeezed him with her thighs and her inner muscles. “I do too, but,
baby, I don’t think you’re even close to coming.”

“I’m not.” It
sounded like she might be smiling. “I won’t.”

“We’ll changed
positions so I can move faster, if this is too slow for you.” He pulled up his
legs and started to roll them back over.

“No,” she said,
resisting the force of his body as much as she could. “I don’t want to come. I
want to keep doing this.”

“But…”

“I love this. I
love you. I want you to keep loving me.”

Ander groaned
again, and his hand returned to her hip, where he started to caress her. “I do.
I love you. With everything in me to love.”

 “Me too. Me
too.”

He continued to
rock against her. Her body felt better than anything ever had, and he could
feel a climax start to rise.

Then they were
kissing again. And he was so close to her. He could feel her body—beautiful, soft,
warm, adored—against him in every way. She was holding him with her arms, her
legs, her mouth, her most intimate places. Touching him everywhere. With
everything.

“Ander,” she
gasped against his mouth.

“Lori.” He had
no more words to say, so he kissed her again.

Despite his
attempt to sustain the deep connection, he tensed up as the pressure built in
his balls.

She must have
sensed it because she tightened her legs around him. “Come now. I want you to
come.” She traced her fingers around the curve of his scalp.

When she
started contracting her inner muscles with constant, steady pressure, he
released a helpless moan and jerked his hips, the sensations overwhelming him.

“Yeah,” she
hummed, stroking his head with one hand and using the other to push on the
small of his back, as if encouraging his motion. “Yeah, Ander. Good. Come.”

He twitched his
neck as he started to lose control. “Love you, Lori.”

She clung to him,
and he knew she was watching him, that she wanted to see his release, his
pleasure, his irrevocable need for her.

The emotion swelled
up with his climax as he realized that she wanted this—
this
—as much as
she wanted anything else from him.

“I love you
too,” she whispered again.

With a final
jerk of his hips, he came, buried deep inside her. As he surrendered to the
feelings, he mumbled out, “Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you,”
as a familiar, helpless refrain.

It was only
then that Lori started to shake, little sobs stifled against his shoulder.

He gathered her
as close as he could make her, concern flickering through his sated languor.
“Baby, what is it?”

“Nothing,” she
sniffed. “I’m just happy. I’m just happy that you’re
you
again.”

He tightened
his arms around her as he realized she was speaking the truth.

“I’m sorry,”
she said, controlling her emotion. “I know you’re still sad. I mean, I know
it’s still hard for you. I didn’t mean to act like everything’s better. I mean—”

“Don’t be
sorry,” he interrupted. “I know what you mean. I feel so much better than I
did. I’m glad to be…to be me again too.”

The place on
the sheet they were lying on had gotten rather damp. He had just enough energy
to roll away and over onto his back, pulling her with him. He got comfortable
again. Felt her soft, warm weight on him, a burden and a blessing both.

They lay in
silence for a few moments, until Lori finally raised her head.

“Do you want to
get married?” she asked, adjusting so that she was propped up on his chest.

“Uh, I hate to
steal your thunder, but isn’t that a little redundant. You’re already wearing
my ring.”

She giggled. “I
know. But we’re never going to find the perfect date. Don’t you want to just go
ahead and do it?  Soon, I mean. Like in a couple of weeks. I don’t need a big
fancy wedding, anyway. I’d just like my parents and Sabrina to be there.”

“That sounds about
perfect to me. The sooner, the better, as far as I’m concerned.” He lifted his
head to kiss her.

Then he grabbed
her left hand. Kissed her palm. Turned her hand over to kiss the ring.

She shook her
head in amusement, but her gaze was more tender than anything else.

“You know what
I think?”

“What’s that?”

“I think you’re
a covert perfectionist.”

His mouth
twitched up in a suppressed smile. “What would give you that idea? Mr.
Laidback. That’s me.”

She burst into
rippling laughter. “So maybe it’s not new information. You’ve always poured
yourself into doing everything as well as you possibly could. But I just
realized you’re expecting to be perfect in our relationship too, and maybe
that’s why…”

She trailed
off, but he knew exactly what she meant.

For her, he
wanted to be the perfect lover, the perfect partner, the perfect future husband,
and he was forever falling short.

“So maybe you can’t
be perfect and broken at the same time,” she concluded at last. “But you’re
perfect for
me
.”

He couldn’t
help but smile.

She slanted him
a wry look. “Too sappy?”

“Just sappy
enough.” He settled her more securely in his arms, pressing a kiss against her
hair. “Because you’re perfect for me too.”

“Do you think…”
She didn’t finish the question.

“Do I think
what?”

“We’re not perfect,
but I think we do pretty well with our relationship, especially given what
we’re dealing with. But I think we could do even better. If you want to indulge
your perfectionistic tendencies in a different way, maybe we could do some
counseling. Not because anything is wrong with us or that we don’t have a good
relationship already, but just so we can do better about…about talking about
things.”

He could tell
from her anxious tone that she was worried he’d be offended by the suggestion.
“That’s not a bad idea.”

“Really?”

“Why not? I’m
always up for doing better.”

Counseling
wasn’t likely to be his favorite thing in the world. In fact, he might very
well hate it. But he’d do so much more than that for Lori, for
them
.

She leaned down
to give him a hard kiss. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“Good. Because
I love you too. But don’t think I didn’t notice that you’re trying to steal my
lines.”

She giggled and
flopped down on top of him again. “No. Your line doesn’t have the ‘I’ and you
always say it five times.”

“Ah. My
mistake. So you count?”

“Of course, I
count!”

He laughed
uninhibitedly, the freedom catching him unaware.

They lay
together in contented silence for a while.

Then Lori said
without segue, “Now I get to buy a new dress to wear for the wedding.”

“Always good to
look at the bright side.”

“Oh, and you
can wear your Indiana Jones hat! It would be the perfect romantic gesture to
prove that you love me.”

He made a growling
sound. “I believe I said before that I love you beyond the scope of existence,
but I am not going to wear that hat.”

She giggled a
long time over his perturbed tone, but eventually she dozed off again.

It wasn’t yet
dawn, and the world was still dark.