Breakable (14 page)

Older
Me held my eyes in the mirror, pleading silently with me. I would have killed
to know what she was so upset about.

“Thanks,”
I said, relieved that my voice sounded normal, if somewhat subdued.

“Are
you ready?”

“Almost.”
I turned away to grab my purse from the bed. I picked it up and rifled through,
pretending I was looking for something, when really I was avoiding looking at
him.

I
didn’t hear him step closer, but suddenly his hands were on my arms and he
turned me around. For a second, the ache of wishing it was Mark touching me was
so sharp, I couldn’t breathe.

I
still couldn’t look at Dex. He’d see handprints on my cheeks.

“Hey,
you okay?” His voice sounded gentle. I wanted to throw myself into his chest
and cry simply because he was there. But this was
Dex
. I still hadn’t
forgiven him. And besides, the only reason I was going to this party was to get
my letter back.

I
shrugged. “I guess.”

One
of his hands rose to touch under my chin, force it up, force me to look at him.
I sighed and let him. After all, I wasn’t going to be able to avoid looking at
him for the whole night.

Dex
stared me right in the eye, his penetrating blue eyes slightly narrowed. He was
frowning.

He’d
used something in his hair to make it stay. It looked shiny and perfect. His
hands were gentle where they touched me. But large enough to circle my arm
completely. The skin of his fingers was cool and firm.

I
took in the perfect leather jacket over his massive shoulders, the trim waist
and strategically ripped jeans.

He
looked amazing. And he was looking at me like he
cared.
His eyes pulled
something out of my chest. The grim set of his mouth and jaw made me wonder
what he saw on my face.

“I
said
, are you okay?” he asked softly, and the gentle tone was such a
stark surprise, I answered him.

“Not
really. But…”

“It’s
just a party. We’ll get through it together. We’re both new. We can share the
stares.”

My
mouth dropped open. Who
was
this guy? I stepped back, out of his grip,
still staring. The corners of his mouth twisted up, but he eyed me warily.

“Why
are you being so nice?”

“You
don’t want me to be nice?”

I
rolled my eyes. “Of course I do. It’s just that… I don’t understand who you are
now,” I said, surprising myself. It was like the fight with Mom had blown out
all my filters.

Dex
put his hands in his pockets and looked self-conscious. But then he smiled and
the whole room lit up. “So, let me show you.”

“What
does that mean?”

“It
means, I’ve changed. You’ve changed. Let’s get to know each other again. Take
it slow.”

“Take
what
slow?”

He
stared. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Our…friendship,” he said finally.

I
grinned. I couldn’t help it. I knew that wasn’t what he was talking about. But
I wasn’t ready to be dating him again yet, either.

“Are
you ready for this…buddy?” he asked, offering me his hand.

“Not
even close.”

Dex
chuckled, grabbed my hand and pulled me for the door. I slung my bag over my
free shoulder and followed, half-afraid, half-excited of what was to come. But
also a little hopeful that it might be easier to face with him around.

After
all, whether I was a freak, or fat, or any of the things anyone else thought,
there was still this delicious guy paying attention to me.

Just
maybe things would be okay after all.

Chapter Sixteen

Finn
lived just outside town, where houses and stores gave way to lush green
pastures and forty-year-old trees. His driveway was a half-mile long, winding
between old pines, framed by post-and-rail fences. Just as it peeked out from
under the tree shadows, the stone driveway broadened and became a wide, tile
expanse.  Only then could you really see the house – a tall, wood and
stone structure with pointed eaves that had always made me feel small and
messy.

Fairy-lights
pricked the lowering dark, spun through the trees and bushes lining the
house.There were already several cars parked on the tile and surrounding grass.
The front door yawned wide to let thumping bass and the babble of excited
voices drift into the grey light of dusk.

We
parked and got out of Dex’s car. He surprised me by grabbed my hand as we
crossed the driveway. Not so surprising was when he dropped it as we stepped
inside.

The
at-once-familiar-yet-strange sight of inside Finn’s house – all dark browns and
beiges, tall, leafy houseplants and pastel-colored paintings on the walls –
took me back to when I was ten. Back when Mark, Finn and I hung out together.
Or rather, Finn hung out with Mark and me. I’d only ever been here with Mark.
It felt strange to walk in with someone else.

Music
pumped through the vast living room at the front of the house where two dozen
teenagers huddled in groups. Opposite the living room, on the left of the hall
where we entered, the vaulted ceilinged kitchen was dominated by a
marble-topped island – and a whole pack of my classmates. Finn stood profile to
us, messing with a keg. He had a girl on either side, both touching his arms
and laughing at everything he said. Everyone else gathered close, talking and
flirting, empty cups in hand, poised for the alcohol.

An
uneasy feeling kicked in, but Dex was already striding into the kitchen to be
greeted by a rousing chorus of “Dex!” and raised plastic cups.

I
was several feet behind him, suddenly feeling very awkward and vulnerable as he
slipped into the sea of friendly faces at the same moment Finn’s eyes latched
on me.

“Hey,
C.”

The
two girls next to him snorted.

I
could feel my fake smile slipping, so I pushed into the crowd.

I
was turned sideways, sliding between two half-dressed girls when something
caught my hair. My head jerked back sharply. I whipped around. Three guys stood
talking, clutching cups and sporting barely suppressed smiles. The girls either
side of me laughed.

“Really?
Pulling my hair now? What are we, twelve?”

“Oh,
don’t you wish, Stacy,” one of the girls purred. I looked at her. She was a
tall, lithe blond named Carla. She’d always been around, but I’d seen her
circling Belinda lately. Her response didn’t make sense. My confusion must have
shown on my face because she laughed. “When we were twelve, people would have
actually
wanted
you to be here,” she said.

“Who
knows why,” her friend murmured. They both cackled.

I
shoved past them, looking for Dex. I was breathing too hard. Already feeling
fragile. Breakable. How was I going to do this?

Dex
stood at the wall with four of the football guys. When I drew up next to him
they all looked at me and looked away, continued arguing over which team
offered their greatest competition this year. Dex laughed and argued like
they’d been friends for years. Then he pointed at one of the guys and made a
crack about his form. But while the others chuckled and ribbed each other, all
I could see was the cup in Dex’ hand waiting to be filled.

When
had he gotten that? And why? Wasn’t he just out of rehab?

I
licked my lip, but decided against saying anything. After all, maybe he just wanted
to look like he fit in. Maybe once the booze was out, he’d just drink coke, or
something.

“Yes!”

A
cheer rose and, as if the tide had changed, the entire mass of bodies shifted,
pressing in to toward Finn, piling up next to the island and talking over one
another while they took turns to fill up.

Dex
and the others joined the fray, pushing past me on their way. Dex slid a hand
down my arm, tugging me that way too. I waited until everyone was facing
forward to tap him on the back. He looked at me over his shoulder and smiled.

“Give
me your cup. I’ll get you a drink when I’m up there.”

“Is
that a good idea?” I asked, feeling suddenly like his mother, instead of his
date. Friend.

Dex
frowned. “Is what a good idea?”

“The
beer,” I said murmured, glancing in the direction of the keg. “You know…
rehab?”

Dex
frowned. “I’m a drug addict, Stacy. Not an alcoholic. I’ll be fine.” His voice
was short. He reached for my cup.

“But
you’re driving–”

A
great burst of laughter from those close to the keg interrupted me. By the time
the noise died down Dex had pushed forward into the crowd and was joking with
one of the footballers again.

With
empty hands and surrounded by people who hated me, it felt too weird to be in
that room. I slid around the back. Maybe my time had come already. Finn was
here and busy. I could go exploring, just happen to discover his room. Early
like this, he wouldn’t be expecting anyone to be up there.

But
as soon as I turned into the hallway that was really nothing but a large, long
space between the kitchen and living room, I heard my name.

Mark
and Karyn were coming in the door, Mark’s arm over her shoulders. Karyn beamed.
At least, she did until she saw me there. Then all expression fell off her
too-perfect features.

Mark
had chosen a close-fitting, dusty blue top. It showed the taut muscle in his
chest and shoulders, and emphasized the line down to his trim waist. The jeans
he wore were my favorite.

“What’s
going on, Stace?” Mark asked, looking a little irritated. “We dropped by your
house to pick you up, but your Mom said you came with Dex?”

I
nodded. I probably should have told Mark I’d agreed to come with Dex. But I had
never been sure I was going to go through with it. I didn’t remember making a
plan for Mark to pick me up, though.

“Sorry,
I–”

“Where
is Dex?” Karyn asked in that squeaky voice that made me want to plow a fist
into her nose. 

“Right
here.” The words sounded cheery, and came from right behind me.

Karyn
brightened considerably when Dex reached around me to offer my cup, full of
beer.

“Uh…
thanks,” I said.

“No
problem, babe,” Dex said.

I
turned to give him the look.
Babe
? Whatever happened to “buddy”? But he
just grinned. “Don’t worry, I didn’t let Finn pour it,” he whispered, teasing.

“I
could use one of those. You want one, Mark?” Karyn said, wiggling out from
under Mark’s arm.

“Sure,”
he said, though I wasn’t certain he’d actually heard her. Mark stared at me,
his face blank except for two lines in his forehead. A steady stream of people
was moving out of the kitchen and into the darkened living room. They were
forced to move around us and it was only a matter of time until I caught the
attention of the wrong person.

“Why
don’t we–”

“Dex!”
a voice called over the music from the living room.

We
all turned. Dex raised his glass and called “Hey!” then plowed off into the
crowd to talk to whoever it was.

I
looked at Mark who was still staring at me.

“I
better go–”

“What
are you doing here with him, Stace?” Mark said in a low voice. He stepped
closer, glancing aside at Dex, then back to me. “And what’s he doing drinking?
Isn’t he just out of rehab or something?”

“He’s
a drug addict, not an alcoholic,” I said weakly.

Mark
quirked an eyebrow. “Well, that’s reassuring.”

I
rolled my eyes. “Look–”

“Be
careful, Stace. Please.” Mark frowned in the direction of the living room. “I
don’t trust him.”

“We’re
just friends,” I said.

Mark
snorted.

“We
are. And besides, all your friends seem to think he’s awesome. So I don’t know
what you’re worried about.”

Just
then, someone shoved past me from behind, bumping my drink arm so the beer
sloshed over the side of my cup and straight onto my chest.

“Oh,
sh–!” I jumped back, too late, brushing frantically at the sickly-sweet liquid
on my chest.

“Watch
where you’re going, Finn,” Mark snapped.

“What?
Oh, sorry, Stay
-Cee
, I didn’t see you there.” Finn stood to my left, a
broad smile on his face. Karyn was at his elbow, obviously struggling not to
laugh.

“Jackhole.”
I glared, but it was pointless. I’d worn a flimsy white tank-top under a crop
cut, open neck sweater. My white top had plastered itself to my chest and my
bra was beginning to show through the fabric. Finn’s eyebrows went up when I
brushed at it again. Even Mark’s eyes cut from my chest to my face when I
turned. “Hold this,” I snapped, and pushed the half-empty beer at him.

Mark
took it gently, nodding.

“You
might want to get that seen to. Or not,” Finn drawled. “Maybe you’ll be more
popular tonight than I thought.

“Finn!”
Mark barked.

“Stacy,
are you co–” Dex appeared suddenly, looking impatient. But at the sight of my
rapidly-being-revealed bra, he cut himself off. He stood there for a second,
mouth half open.

“I’ll
be back in a minute,” I muttered. “I’ll need a ride home, Dex,” I said,
glowering at Finn who was making no effort to hide his laughter.

Dex
closed his mouth and nodded. But his eyes never left my chest. Brilliant.

Pushing
through the growing crowd in the hallway, ignoring the stares and laughs as I
went, I made it to the stairs at the end and ran up.

Inside
the large bathroom with two sinks, a mirror that spanned the entire wall, and a
shower large enough to house a party of its own, I stripped off my blouse and
ran it under water.

Great,
just great. How was I going to go
anywhere
tonight without drawing eyes?
Like I didn’t do that enough just by existing, now I had to be essentially
topless, too? I groaned.

“It
can’t be that bad.” Older Me’s voice rose from the mirror.

I
stood up straight, glaring. She took in my bra, the shirt in the basin, and the
look on my face and sighed. “Finn,” she said, shaking her head.

“How
did you guess?” I snapped, rubbing the fabric together under the water. “Jerk
didn’t even wait five minutes…wait, how did you know–?”

“Water
won’t get the beer out. If you want to be able to wear that top again, you need
to soak it and wash it.”

“Excellent.
And how do you propose I do that at Finn’s house?” I said, my voice raising.
“Gawd, I knew this was a bad idea!”

“Then
why did you come?” Older Me snapped. “I’ve been trying to talk you out of it
for days!”

“You
don’t understand! She’s
cheating
on him, Older Me! I can’t just let her
get away with it and pretend it’s nothing.”

“So,
tell him. Don’t put yourself in situations like this on the off-chance you’ll
catch her doing something. It’s not like she’s going to pin Finn against a wall
when Mark’s in the room!”

“I
know…but…” Tears bit at my throat. I dropped the top into the water gathering
in the sink and took a couple deep breaths.

“Stacy…”
Older Me started. But the tone in her voice was too gentle. Pitying. I shook my
head.

“You
have to tell me what happens at this party. You have to help me,” I said
through gritted teeth. “I have to get out of here without…without…” It wasn’t
really necessary to spell it out. She knew what I’d go through if I had to walk
through the party in my bra.

“Maybe…maybe
you could get someone to call Mom, or something?”

I
gave her a look and she grimaced.

“I’m
sure Mark would run you home,” she said quietly.

“Of
course. And then his girlfriend is free to chew the fat with the guy she’s
cheating with. Great idea. Thanks.”

Older
Me ran a hand through her hair. She frowned down at the blouse in the sink and
sighed. “You could dry it on some towels, or something?”

I
gaped. “What is
up
with you?”

“I
just want you out of there!” she hissed. “It was a bad idea to come in the
first place. So for goodness sake, don’t hang around now. Get yourself decent
and get out of there and deal with the rest later!”

“The
rest? What rest? What happens here?”

“Stacy!”

“What?!”

“Nothing
will happen if you just leave,” she ground out.