Breakable (29 page)

For me, nothing compared to watching Jacqueline. Without direction, she executed a series of moves, and whether she landed them or not, she varied them. At one point, she appeared stuck in a front bear hug, until Erin hollered, ‘
NUTSACK!
’ loud enough to be heard in a neighbouring state, and Jacqueline brought her knee up, hard. Ellsworth went straight to the ground. She tore off towards the safety zone, where Erin tackled her in an enthusiastic hug. I was so proud of her – and I hoped to God she’d never have to use anything she’d just learned.

Sunday afternoon, Jacqueline and I took a final break from studying for finals. I packed coffee in thermoses and we headed to the lake. I wanted to sketch kayakers, who Jacqueline insisted were certifiably insane to be out on the lake in these temperatures. She huddled next to me on the bench, wrapped head to toe and still shivering. I wore my hoodie, but no gloves, and I’d discarded my leather jacket because I didn’t need it.

I called her a candyass for being such a cold-weather wimp, and she punched me in the shoulder. I saw it coming and could have blocked her, but I didn’t. ‘Ow, jeez – I take it back! You’re tough as nails. Total badass.’ I pulled her closer to warm her.

‘I throw a mean hammer-fist.’ Her words were almost inaudible, mumbled into my chest.

‘You do.’ I tipped her face up to mine. ‘I’m actually a little scared of you.’ My playful words were truer than she knew.

‘I don’t want you to be scared of me.’ Her words issued with small puffs of her breath, and I kissed her until her nose was warm against my cheek.

We went back to my apartment, where she reminded me of my request, weeks ago, that she leave me something to anticipate. ‘So, have you been … anticipating it?’ she asked. Our clothes were askew, but we’d got no further than a heated make-out on my sofa with Francis for a bored audience.

Had I been anticipating her hands and mouth on me? Uh … yeah
.

Staring at my lip – the ring sucked fully into my mouth – a slow smile spread across her face. She kissed me before sliding from my lap to her knees, between my legs. As she unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans, I was pretty sure I was dreaming. I didn’t want to move and risk waking up, but I couldn’t help lancing my fingers through her soft hair so I could both touch her and watch every single thing she did.

When she darted the tip of her tongue and ran it base to tip, I closed my eyes for just a moment, losing my mind with ecstasy. She leaned up to nibble me with her teeth, stroking me with her fingertips and then her tongue. I moaned, which was apparently the exact right response. As her warm mouth closed over me –
Holy mother of God
, my head fell back on the sofa and I closed my eyes again,
my hands still in her hair, the heels of my palms against her cheekbones. And then, she hummed – one long, low note.

‘Fucking hell, Jacqueline,’ I gasped.

This time, she didn’t let me stop her.

She texted Wednesday afternoon:
Econ final: PWNED.
Whether she knew that term from video games or cat memes, I didn’t care. It was too cute.
All because of me, right?
I texted back.
No, because of that Landon guy,
she returned. I laughed out loud, earning a crooked brow from Eve, with whom I was working a double shift. Gwen and Ron had two finals each today, and neither of us had one, so we’d agreed to work practically all day, along with our manager.

‘I need somethin’ hot ’n’ sweet.’ I recognized Joseph’s voice, giving his order to Eve. He rubbed his hands together in his fingerless gloves, trying to warm them. His coat was university-issued and displayed his name. His wool cap, pulled low over his ears, sported our mascot.

She glared at him. ‘I’ll need the
name
of your desired
drink
, sir.’ Venom rolled off her. This was going to be funny. Or really painful. Either way, I couldn’t bring myself to step up and make it stop.

Joseph rarely came into the coffee shop, insisting it was all complete hype – overpriced and over-marketed.

He eyed Eve across the counter. ‘Recommendations? I’m not familiar with all the fancy-ass drinks y’all have. Like I said – I want something
hot
, and
sweet
. I’m not so sure you’re the one to give it to me, though.’

‘
Really?
That’s your line?’

His brows angled up and his mouth twisted. ‘Sweetheart, if you’re hopin’ for a line, you ain’t gonna get it from
me
. You are a far, far cry from my type.’

Eve sputtered, furious. ‘Oh, so “I want something hot and sweet” means “nothing”?’

‘Um,
no
.’ His eyes were glacial. ‘It means I’d like a
hot
drink, as opposed to a cold one, and I’d like something
sweet
– as in
with syrup in it
. Goddamn. You got a coworker or somethin’ I could order from?’ He glanced over and spotted me, lips pressed together.

‘Lucas, dammit, get me somethin’ –’ he eyed Eve – ‘
hot
and
sweet
.’

‘Salted caramel mocha sound good?’

Smiling, he said, ‘Hell, yeah – that sounds perfect.’ His smile dropped when he looked back at Eve, though he was still speaking to me. ‘And thank you for your professionalism.’ I made the drink as he handed over a bill and Eve rang him up silently.

‘See ya next week for that Air Review show,’ he said, taking the cup. ‘Elliott’s sister is comin’ for a visit the week after, by the way. If you wanna join us for dinner one night, I can show off my one smart friend.’

‘Sure thing.’ I laughed. ‘Sounds good, Joseph.’

When he’d gone, Eve glowered at me and said, no inflection: ‘He’s gay, isn’t he.’

‘Yep.’

‘And you just stood there and let me make an ass of myself –’

‘Eve, everything isn’t about you.’ I tapped a finger to her
nose to lessen the harsh words. ‘Maybe you should figure that out.’ I turned to wash pitchers before the next wave of finals-freaked customers deluged us.

She huffed a sigh but didn’t reply.

My phone buzzed with one more text from Jacqueline, who had three more exams between now and Saturday to my one:
Chinese on Saturday? I need something hot and spicy to celebrate the end of the semester. Kung-pao maybe? *wink*
After the previous exchange between Joseph and Eve, I chuckled aloud again. Jacqueline and I had plans to celebrate in her dorm room, after Erin left for winter break.

Me:
I think I can make hot and spicy happen

Jacqueline:
*fanning* yes please

‘So how did you end up playing the bass?’ I asked, digging in my carton for a broccoli spear. We were sitting side by side on Jacqueline’s dorm-room floor, our backs to her bed.

‘By way of Pee-Wee football,’ she answered. I made a face, my imagination putting her in a football uniform, and she laughed. ‘One of our bass players snapped his collarbone in a game, and our orchestra teacher begged for one of the violins to switch. I volunteered. It was a bonus that my mother wasn’t happy about it.’

‘So your relationship with your mom – not so good, I take it?’

She sighed. ‘Actually, I just told her – about Buck. About all of it. And she
cried
. She never cries. She wanted to come
here.’ A frown creased her brow. ‘I told her I was good, I was strong, and I realized I was.’ She leaned her head back against her bed, her face turned towards me. ‘Because of Erin – and you.’

My mind suggested that this was no
bad-boy
trait she was praising.

I tipped an imaginary hat. ‘Happy to be of service, ma’am.’

She smiled. ‘She’s making me an appointment with her therapist. At first I agreed because it gave her something to do – some way to help. But when I thought about it, I was glad. I want to talk to someone about what happened. Someone who can help me deal with all of it.’

Our faces were inches apart, and I could have sworn she looked sad for
me
. Maybe because I didn’t have a mother. ‘That’s awesome. I’m glad your mom was there for you.’

This was not where I wanted this evening to go. I had so little time left with her.

‘What about you? How did you decide to study engineering? I mean, you could have majored in art, probably.’

I shrugged. ‘I can draw whenever I want. It calms me – always has. But I don’t want to do that for anyone but me. As for art in general – I’m not really a painter, sculptor, anything else. Whereas narrowing down my interests in engineering was difficult. I wanted to do it all.’

She smiled. ‘So how did you choose?’

‘Well, skill and opportunity. I hadn’t really considered going a medical route. I thought I’d be designing cars or
inventing futuristic stuff like hovercraft. But the opportunity presented itself when Dr Aziz asked me to apply, so I’m game.’

I scrolled through my iTunes list for the playlist I wanted her to hear and handed her both earbuds. Unsurprisingly, she was emotionally attuned to music like no one I’d ever known – an unguarded range of feelings reflected in her eyes as she stared at me, listening. I leaned in to kiss her, and then picked her up, lay her on the bed and stretched out next to her, one arm under her head, the other flat on her abdomen.

When I reached to brush a finger over her ear, she removed one earbud and handed it to me. I dialled the playlist to a song I’d discovered just before I got my last tattoo – four lines now inscribed on to my side, a poem composed by my artistic mother for the analytical man who loved her. The song had triggered the memory of her words, so I’d searched the attic for her poetry notebook the next time I was home. I copied the lines and took them to Arianna, and she added the poem to the canvas of my body, two years ago.

Our hands began to wander over each other – my fingers sliding under her shirt as I kissed her. She warned me that
Erin could return any moment – apparently her roommate hadn’t left for winter break yet. Something to do with a boyfriend who was trying to win her back.

‘Why did they break up?’ I asked.

I cupped her breast, about to search for the clasp – front or back this time?

‘Over me,’ she said, and I froze. ‘Not like that. Chaz was … Buck’s best friend.’ Her entire body went rigid, just speaking his name, and I pulled her close.

Buck was supposed to be gone, and probably wouldn’t be back next semester – certainly not if Charles had anything to do with it. He knew someone on the disciplinary committee, and I was pretty sure he was going to call in every favour he could.

‘I never told you about the stairwell, did I?’ Jacqueline said then.

I went as taut as she was. ‘No.’

She swallowed. ‘About a month ago, all the washers were full on my floor, so I went down to the second floor to see if they had any machines free.’ Her voice was so subdued that I couldn’t shift positions and still hear her. ‘On the way back up, Buck caught me in the stairwell. He threatened to …’ She swallowed again, hard, and left the blank for my mind to fill. ‘So I said, “My room.” I thought if I could get him into the hallway, people would be there and they’d hear me tell him to leave and he’d have to go.’

I was holding her too tightly. I registered that, but my muscles had solidified. I couldn’t loosen my grip on her.

‘There were five people in the hall. I told him to leave.
He was furious when he figured out what I’d done. He made it look like we’d done it in the stairwell. And from the looks on everyone’s faces in the hall … from the stories that circulated after … they believed him.’

He didn’t get into her room. But he put his hands on her. And he scared her.
Again
.

I felt the protective rage and excruciating powerlessness building and didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t want to hurt Jacqueline, or frighten her, but I didn’t know what to do with the anger bubbling up inside, threatening to spill over.

I pushed her on to her back and kissed her, pressing a knee between her legs. I felt her struggle and my brain screamed
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
. I tried to pull back – but her hands, freed from between us, stabbed into my hair and held on tight, and she opened her mouth, pulling me inside and kissing me back just as hard.

I shuddered, loving her, loving her so much I could hardly breathe. Wondering if that was how it was supposed to feel to love someone or if I was just fucked all to hell and incapable of loving correctly, because all I felt was this insane, unfillable need, this empty black hole inside my soul. I was breaking apart in her hands, crumbling to nothing.

I had to stop. This had to stop. I’d given her what she wanted, what she needed – and I was in pieces at her feet. How could she not see? I couldn’t play this game any more. I had to save what little of me remained.

I wanted to strip her and possess her one last time. Spread her legs and adore her. Make her cry my name and shudder beneath me. I wanted to pretend, one more night,
that I could belong to her. That she could be mine. I lay over her, kissing her, and knew it wouldn’t happen. Her roommate would return any minute, and it was just as well. There was no filling the space I wanted her to fill.

We slowed, lying side by side, and I began to compose my exit lines.

Then she asked about the Hellers, and my parents, and I turned on to my back and answered her questions.

And then – ‘What was your mother like?’

‘Jacqueline –’ I said, as Erin’s key hit the lock.

I got up as she entered, and Jacqueline followed. Erin tried to make like she had laundry to do, but I said, ‘I was just leaving,’ lacing my black work boots and wishing I’d worn my old Noconas so I could shove my feet in and go.

‘Tomorrow?’ Jacqueline said at the door, arms hugging herself.

I zipped my jacket and said, ‘It’s officially winter break. We should probably use it to take a break from each other as well.’

She recoiled, stunned. She asked me why, and I became all logic, no emotion – she was leaving town and I would be, too, for at least a few days Christmas week. She still had to pack, and Charles needed help getting grades posted – which was bullshit, but she had no way to verify that and I knew it.