Break Away (33 page)

“She deserves better than me, Nate. I can’t help but feel that I’m selfish for being with her… that I’m only going to drag her down with me or fuck things up somehow.”

“That girl is lucky to have you. You’re a great guy, despite what you choose to think about yourself. Olivia sees what we all see in you, what you refuse to see—the good—broken parts and all. She’ll be there for you while you work on putting the pieces back together, if you let her. You’re always taking care of other people… let her take care of you, because you deserve to be happy. Does she make you happy?”

“Every single day.”

“Then hold onto her,” he said. “Fuck everything else. Let yourself be happy.”

I wish it were that easy.

“You know…” Nate went on, “There’s a great salvage yard out near Parris Island. If you want, maybe we could drive out there together. I’ll rummage through some parts while you go to your session.”

I doubted that there just happened to be a salvage yard in the same town where I was going for therapy, but I appreciated the fact that he wanted to be there for me. It was nice to know that I wouldn’t have to do it alone.

“Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks, man.”

***

I’d been feeling moody and on edge all day, and I couldn’t seem to snap out of it. I didn’t know if it was because of the creepy phone calls, or my relationship with Dex and my cowardly reaction to him telling me that he loved me, but something felt… off. Like any minute, the bottom was going to drop out and all the happiness I’d been feeling lately would be shattered into a million pieces.

I hadn’t seem much of Dex over the last couple of days because of work, so he was having a drink at the bar and patiently waiting while I finished my shift. There was tension between us, but I didn’t know if it was just me, or if he felt it too. He hadn’t said anything about my response—or lack of response—the other night, so I didn’t know
what
he was thinking, or if he had simply believed that I’d been asleep and hadn’t heard him say that he loved me.

It was busy behind the bar. When I looked up from making a round of drinks, I saw that a woman had sidled up to Dex, taking the open stool next to him and had begun talking to him. Jealously and anger immediately sliced through me. Deep down I knew that I was being irrational because Dex wasn’t doing anything wrong. I trusted him. He wasn’t flirting with her or encouraging her in any way. He was barely even looking at her! Yet, the jealous part of me wondered why he couldn’t just tell her to leave him alone and stop talking altogether.

My feelings for Dex combined with my fear of losing him were making me act crazy. I couldn’t bear the thought of him being with anyone else, and it raised questions that I didn’t want to have. What if he got bored with me? It wasn’t so long ago that he had a different woman every night. Had he really changed
so
much in such a short amount of time, that he no longer had any interest in other women? That seemed unlikely, and the thought made me sick to my stomach.

He’d given me every reason to believe that he was in this—that he wanted me and
only
me. Hell, I was the one who was holding back. There was a part of me that still had an irrational fear of abandonment that haunted me with the notion that happiness was fleeting, and I couldn’t shake it.

My shift was almost over, but I needed to get out of there. I told the other bartender that I wasn’t feeling well and needed to head home a few minutes early. After grabbing my stuff from the back, I approached Dex on my way out.

“I hate to
interrupt
… but I’m heading out. Feel free to stay here if you want.” Dex stared at me with a confused look on his face, but I ignored it, turning on my heel and walking out the door. I knew I was acting like a bitch and wasn’t being fair, but all my rational thoughts were in the backseat and jealousy had taken the wheel.

I pulled up to my apartment a few minutes later, and it wasn’t long before Dex’s truck came screeching in behind me.

“What the hell was that about?” he asked angrily, stopping me from going inside. “You’re just gonna storm off without any explanation?”

I crossed my arms stubbornly. “You seemed busy with your new
friend
… I didn’t want to intrude.”

“What, you’re jealous?” He looked at me in disbelief, “Oh, come on, Liv… You were busy working and I was just being polite. It’s not like I was interested in her… I barely said three words!”

“Well, she was certainly interested in you.”

“So what if she was!” he shouted. “I can’t control her. Don’t you trust me by now?” There was hurt in his eyes when I didn’t say anything. “That’s it, isn’t it? After everything, you still don’t trust me.”

I had no response because there was nothing I could say to try and explain what I was feeling. It didn’t even make sense in my own head.

“This is bullshit, Olivia! I’ve been completely devoted to you since the moment we got together. I don’t even look at other women anymore because you’re the only one that I want. I’ve made my feelings perfectly clear from the beginning, but I have no idea where you stand because you never open up and tell me. You keep me at arm’s length, and I feel like I could lose you at any moment… like you’re going to run off scared and just disappear.” He took a step toward me, his eyes bearing into mine. “You don’t even mention the fact that I told you that loved you. I know you heard me say it. What I don’t understand is why you pretended that you didn’t.”

I hung my head in shame, staring at the ground as my eyes welled up with tears. “I don’t know why.”

Dex let out a frustrated breath. “I’m not the one holding back here, Liv. Why don’t you let me know when you figure out what it is that you want?”

He marched off, and I stood alone in the driveway, wanting to go after him but unsure what to say. He was right about everything, but I didn’t know how to make it right.

I went inside, closing the front door behind me and plopping my keys down on the table. As I went to go turn on a light, I noticed a silhouette in the living room.

“Hello, Olivia.”

“Steven?” I said, flicking on the light and taking a tentative step toward him. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I’m here for you.”

Fear twisted in my stomach. He’d never given me any reason to be afraid of him, but the slightly crazed look on his face was not one that I recognized. “How did you even find me?”

“I have my ways… it wasn’t hard to track you down. Nowadays, anyone can be found if you have the right tools and the means to do it.” He smiled menacingly and stood up, moving toward me. “You didn’t think that I was just going to let you go, did you?”

“You sent someone to find me and follow me, didn’t you?” It all made sense now. The creepy guy in the bar, the person taking pictures of Dex and me on the beach, the phone calls, and all the times I’d felt like someone was watching me… it hadn’t all been in my head.

“I missed you so much. There’s so much I’ve been wanting to say to you,” he said. “I tried to say it over the phone, but every time I heard your voice, I lost my nerve. I knew I needed to see you face-to-face so we could work this out and go back to the way we were.” His voice was pleading, but the look in his eyes was demanding.

“It doesn’t matter what you have to say. It’s over between us,” I said firmly.

Steven stepped closer. “We were great together, Olivia. Think of the life we could have! I know I fucked up, but you can’t throw away four years together because of one mistake. Please come home with me so we can fix this.”

“It wasn’t one mistake, Steven. We weren’t right together. Deep down I always knew, but I was scared to be alone. I turned into someone else because I wanted to fit into your world, but it wasn’t right.”

His demeanor changed and anger flashed across his features. “Is this because of that jackass that you’re with? You don’t belong with him, Olivia. He has nothing to offer you.”

“This has nothing to do with—”

He ignored me. “You think I’m just going to sit back and let another man have you? After everything I’ve done for you?” He stepped forward, not stopping until he was directly in front of me. “I’m not leaving here without you. One way or another, you will come back with me.”

I backed away from him until I felt the wall against my back and there was nowhere else to go. Every instinct was telling me to run but I couldn’t move. I wanted to believe that I wasn’t in danger; that I’d spent four years with this man, and he wouldn’t hurt me, but when I looked in his eyes, I saw someone else. This wasn’t the man that I knew. That realization was terrifying because I had no idea what he was capable of. I kept hoping that Dex would walk through the door, but then I remembered that he was gone. I had stupidly pushed him away when all I wanted to do was pull him close. He wasn’t coming back to rescue me. Amy’s lights were off, meaning she wasn’t home… there was no one to help me.

I was alone.

I stormed off in the direction of my truck and kept walking. I didn’t know where the hell I was going, but I was too angry to get behind the wheel just yet. I needed to blow off some steam.

All this time, I’d thought that Olivia and I were on the same page about our relationship and how we felt about each other, but now I had no fucking idea what was going on with us. It wasn’t about her not telling me that she loved me – I said it to her because it was how I felt and I wanted her to know, not because I needed to hear it from her. I could accept the fact that she wasn’t ready to say it back yet, and it was okay because I already knew that she loved me. I knew it from the way she touched me, the way she looked at me, the way she kissed me… the words weren’t important because she showed me how she felt every day.

The problem was trust. I couldn’t get past the fact that she still didn’t trust me. In all the time that we’d been together, I’d never given her any reason to doubt me. I’d opened myself up to her in a way that I never had with anyone else, and that meant something to me. She owned me—mind, body and soul—and if she didn’t trust me now, I wasn’t sure that she ever really would. If we didn’t have trust, what
did
we have?

I had almost reached the end of the road when I stopped suddenly. I had a nagging feeling in the back of my head; a voice telling me that something was out of place, something didn’t fit. Something wasn’t right.

If there was one thing that Marine training taught me, it was to always trust my instincts and listen to my gut. It was the attention to detail and awareness of our surroundings that could often mean the difference between life and death, so I learned never to ignore it.

I began retracing my steps, focusing on everything around me and searching for anything I might have seen that would have set off the warning bells in my head. Most of the houses already had their lights shut off and the road was dark, with only a few street lamps lighting the way. About halfway back to Olivia’s apartment, I noticed a black sedan parked off to the side of the road, and the bright orange New York license plate caught my eye. It struck me as odd to see that particular license plate here, especially considering that Olivia just-so-happened to be from New York. No way was that a coincidence. Something didn’t add up.

Glancing through the car window, I saw a map spread out on the passenger seat and immediately got a horrible feeling that something was wrong. Breaking into a sprint, I ran back to her apartment, thinking back on all the weird phone calls and seemingly paranoid behavior that she would try and brush off, and wishing I’d paid more attention to it.