Break Away (22 page)

I sighed, glancing down at the photos one more time before heading out. Amy and Sadie were in the driveway when I stepped outside.

“Hey Liv,” Amy greeted me happily. “We were just on our way to Sunday dinner at my parents’ house. Do you want to come? They’re dying to see you!”

My heart dropped. “I can’t… I have a, um, date.”

“With who?” she asked. “That guy from the restaurant?”

I nodded and an obvious flash of disappointment crossed her face.

“Okay, well have fun, and be safe,” she said. “Maybe next week.”

I smiled sadly. “Yeah, maybe next week.”

We were halfway through dinner when my parents asked where Olivia was and why she hadn’t come with us this week. She had become a frequent guest at our weekly dinners over the past couple of months, and they’d come to expect her there. It was no surprise that they adored her. It was impossible not to.

Amy didn’t answer their question right away, glancing around the table and chewing her food slowly. Finally, she swallowed, her eyes shifting to mine. “Olivia had a date tonight.”

“Liv’s on a date?” My stomach lurched, coiling painfully as her words sank in. “With who?”

My voice came out sharper than I intended, and Amy eyed me hesitantly without answering.

“Don’t even tell me she’s out with that jackass from the other day…”

She sighed regretfully. “Sorry, Dex.”

“FUCK!” I pounded my fist on the table so hard that the plates shook as I stood up, knocking my chair over in my haste to get away.

I stormed through the woods behind my parent’s house until I found myself at the swimming hole. Everything was spinning out of control, and I needed to slow it down and clear my head. I wasn’t angry anymore, I was… crushed. It was worse than anger, because yelling or hitting something couldn’t make me feel better. I wasn’t sure that anything would. I finally found someone who meant more to me than anything else, someone who understood me and really saw me… and I’d lost her.

When the stakes were high, I failed.

I sat at the edge of the water, studying the way the stars reflected off the dark surface and created a mirror image of the sky above. For some reason, I often found myself by the water when I needed to escape. There was something about it that calmed me down and made me feel… safe. Probably because it was one thing that would never bring back memories of my time in Iraq. Everything in Iraq was hot, sandy desert, and the only water I came into contact with was from a bottle as it crossed my lips. Now, no matter how fucked up things got in my head, I could go near the water and be reminded that I was home.

The leaves rustled behind me, and I didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. My sister could always find me. It was some kind of “twin intuition” or something.

“Want to finally tell me what’s going on between you and Olivia?” she said, sitting down next to me. “And don’t you dare say ‘nothing’ because I’ve seen how tense it’s been with you two lately.”

I explained everything, from the night we hooked up, to the morning after when she acted like it was a mistake, and of course my stupid plan to make her jealous and how she’d told me that she wanted nothing to do with me.

“I really fucked up,” I told her.

“No shit, you fucked up!” she scolded, staring at me in bewilderment. “What kind of an idiotic plan was that? It wouldn’t work on anyone, but especially not Olivia.”

“I know, I was upset and I…” Her words caught up with me, and I paused. “What do you mean ‘
especially not Olivia’
?”

“Because of how things ended with her fiancé.”

I shot her a puzzled look and waited for her to explain what the hell she was talking about.

“I figured that Olivia told you,” she muttered guiltily. “They broke up because she walked in on the bastard screwing someone else in their apartment.”

I groaned, feeling even worse than before. “Why didn’t she tell me?”

“She’s probably embarrassed about it. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re not good enough or you’re lacking something.”

“That’s bullshit. Olivia is perfect… her fiancé is a fucking jackass.” He was lucky to be all the way in New York, because I was tempted to find him and show him what happens to guys who hurt amazing, beautiful girls like Olivia. Then I remembered that I was one of them, and I hated myself even more.

“I know that, but it’s hard to see it when you’re the one who got cheated on,” Amy explained.

“How can I fix this?” I asked desperately. “Please tell me I can fix it.”

“Have you tried talking to her? Groveling at her feet for a second chance?”

I shook my head. “She told me to leave her alone. I didn’t want to make it any worse.”

“Wow, you really don’t know anything about women, do you, bro?” she said, shaking her head. “Of course she told you to leave her alone. She was angry and hurt. That doesn’t mean you give up. You have to fight for her and show her that you’re serious. Are you serious?”

“I’m dead serious when it comes to Liv,” I told her. “I may have zero experience with this shit, but I would do anything for her.”

“Then you need to quit playing games and be honest about how you feel. You got so angry because she wouldn’t admit her feelings, and yet… have you ever once told her how
you
feel?”

Apparently I was the jackass.

Amy sighed. “So far, all you’ve done is show her that you’re incapable of an actual relationship, and are no better than her dumbass ex. You need to prove to her that you can be different. Can you handle that?” She eyed me curiously, “Are you sure it’s what you really want? Because there’s no going back after that.”

“Liv is what I want,” I said firmly, without hesitation. “I don’t want to go back. She’s all I want.”

“Do you love her?”

I sucked in a breath, letting the question hang in the air between us. I hadn’t put a label on what I was feeling. If I hadn’t admitted it to myself yet, there was no way I could say it out loud to my sister.

She smiled, giving me an encouraging pat on the back. “Well, then, go get her, you idiot… and don’t fuck it up this time!”

***

Brian took me to a cute little restaurant downtown that wasn’t overly fancy. I was relieved that there didn’t seem to be any added pressure to try and turn the date into something it wasn’t. We talked easily, chatting about mindless topics such as our favorite areas in the city and what we enjoyed doing for fun. Typical first date conversation and straightforward, robotic answers. He told me a little bit about his job, which had something to do with finance or banking, and my eyes began to glaze over. I realized early on in the date that I felt the same way with him that I had often felt with Steven—bored and distant. There was no spark, no excitement… nothing drawing me in. Spending time with Brian wasn’t moving on, it was moving backward; reverting to the same life I had before coming to Charleston.

Needless to say, I was glad when the date was over. Not because I had a bad time—he was nice, smart, and charming—but my heart just hadn’t been in it. When we finished dinner and he suggested going out for a drink, I told him that I had an early morning and needed to call it a night. He hadn’t pushed it. I was sure he could tell that I wasn’t into it, and when I apologized for wasting his time, he handled it like a total gentleman, thanking me for being honest and wishing me luck.

There had been a time when he would have been exactly what I was looking for—safe, easy, and predictable. It was the same reason I’d ended up with Steven: because I’d been searching for the stability that I never had growing up.

Dex had given me a taste of what it felt like on the other side—passionate, spontaneous, and unpredictable, but with the comfort of a best friend who made me feel protected. Now that I’d felt that, I didn’t want to settle for easy anymore. I wanted someone who set me on fire with a single look, someone who thrilled me and made me feel safe and vulnerable at the same time. I wanted something real.

I pulled into my driveway and was climbing out of the car when I noticed Dex hidden in the shadows on my doorstep, slumped over and distraught. He lifted his head when I approached, and my heart automatically started beating faster as excitement vibrated through me.

Slowly I began walking over, my pulse racing. My emotions were all over the place. I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I couldn’t remember if I were mad at him or happy to see him… If I hated him or wanted to be with him.

He stood up nervously when I got closer. “I only need a minute, Liv. I know you don’t want to see me or talk to me. I know you probably hate me, but please let me get this out and then I promise to leave you alone and never bother you again.”

With a nod, I leaned against the porch rail, unsteady on my feet as I waited anxiously for him to say what he had come here to say.

“I’m so fucking bad at this,” he started, “But it’s only because I’ve never felt like this before. For anyone… ever. You’re all that I think about, Liv. You’re my first thought when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep. Your smile… the sound of your laugh, the way your eyes light up when you’re happy, the way your lips taste, the way you feel pressed up against me… God, Olivia… I want you so bad. You’re all I want.”

My breath hitched in my throat, and I couldn’t respond. I tightened my grip on the railing, afraid that if I let go I might fall.

He took a step toward me. “Since I came back from Iraq, I’ve been a shell of the person I used to be. I’m so afraid of what people will see if they get to know me that I keep them out so they never have the chance. Then I met you. Without even realizing it, you crashed through my walls and brought light back into my life… you brought
me
back. War may have broken me in a lot of ways, but you’re putting me back together, piece by piece, day after day. I’m far from being whole, and I know I have a long way to go, but every time I’m with you, I find a little piece of what I lost.” With cautious steps, he moved to stand right in front of me. “You pulled me from the darkness, Liv, and I’ll be grateful to you for the rest of my life.”

My eyes welled with tears, and it wasn’t long before one escaped, sliding down my cheek and falling to my shirt. It broke my heart to know how much pain he held inside and the burden he carried with him every day. He saw himself as broken, but I knew without a doubt that he was the strongest, bravest person I’d ever known.

Dex reached up and cupped my cheek with gentle hands, brushing my tears away with his thumb. “I know that I’ve totally fucked this whole thing up and that you deserve so much better than me, but you’re it for me. It will only ever be you. I promise, if you give me a chance, I’ll never hurt you again. Seeing you in pain is worse than any nightmare I’ve ever had, and I swear, I’ll be better. I would do anything for you, Liv. You’re everything to me, and I fucking love you—”

I crashed my mouth against his, closing the space between us and throwing myself into his arms. His words resonated inside my chest, shattering whatever defenses I had left and opening my heart to him. I was done being scared and running away from what I wanted. Seeing him with someone else, real or not, had torn me apart. There was a chance I would end up brokenhearted, but it was a risk I was willing to take.