Breach: The Boxset (24 page)

The day had dragged in silence and dread. There had been a pervasive, steady, low level of anxiety pumping through my body the whole time.

If Nathan had been stressed, it hadn’t shown at all. He was hidden deep within himself, behind the blank expression he wore.

He left at precisely five o’clock with a small “good night,” and I wondered if that was how it would be from then on.

I waited a few extra minutes until he was out of the vicinity before I gathered up my belongings and prepared to leave. It was one thing to see him at his desk, but it was another to watch him leave, knowing he would not be going home with me. That was too hard to watch.

“You leaving?” Andrew called to me from the door.

“Yeah,” I managed to choke out, my focus returning to the trivial task at hand.

“Lila, I’m glad you’re back.” He didn’t mention what he knew about my situation, my hospitalization. I wasn’t even sure he knew Nathan had left me.

One look in Andrew’s eyes told me he knew it all, but he knew how much it would destroy me to hear him talk about it, so he stuck to safe subjects like dinner.

“Want to go get something to eat?” he asked, being the sweetheart he was.

I shook my head. “No. I’m tired. I’m going to go home and crash.”

A look of concern crossed his face. “Will you text me when you get home?”

“Drew.” There was a hint of annoyance in my tone. He was big-brothering me, but I had to admit that deep down I liked it on some level. It was a sign someone gave a shit about me, even if Nathan didn’t.

When did my world begin to revolve around Nathan? I’m sure Dr. Morgenson would have something to say about that.

“Just humor me,” he said with a genuine, caring smile.

Why? Why did he care? He didn’t understand me, not really. No one did. Only Nathan, and he didn’t want what he saw.

“Okay,” I agreed, not sure if I was lying to him or not.

I’d deal with that when I got home.

“Caroline told me to tell you she’s going to call you tonight, too. She had to leave work early today.”

I grunted something unintelligible, shifted in my chair as I grabbed my belongings.

“Night.”

The drive home was drab but familiar, so I survived without any additional pain. It wasn’t until I stepped through the door of my condo and looked around at the barrenness that I choked.

I ran to my room and tore off my clothes. On my way to the living room, I stopped by the guest bedroom where I had been sleeping and pulled off the blanket and a pillow. I refused to sleep in my bed. It smelled of him, and I didn’t have it in me to change the sheets.

I crashed on the couch, grabbing my phone and pulling up Andrew’s name to text him and let him know I was home safe.

I flipped through the channels before settling on a horror flick. It didn’t take long before my mind shut down, and I welcomed the emptiness that came with sleep.

CHAPTER 25

I was having trouble concentrating on the document in front of me and decided perhaps a cup of coffee was in order. The smell of the coffee would help to override the permeating scent of Nathan.

The hair-raising, cackling sound of the Boob Squad’s laughter could be heard before I made it into the break room. I didn’t want to see them right then, but the need for coffee prevailed. I wasn’t in the mood to put up with them.

“Oh, hi, Delilah,” Jennifer said as I entered.

I walked up to the cabinet and pulled out a clean cup. “Morning, Jennifer.”

There were four of them standing around. I couldn’t help thinking they should be working.

“So glad to see you finally decided to return to work.”

All of the sudden, I felt like I was in high school, being ganged up on by the popular girls. The difference was that there was no stepbrother named Adam to lead them like when I was younger—just a warped sense of entitlement.

Ignoring them, I poured the liquid into a cup. My hand reached for the creamer, but it was blocked by Tiffany.

She refused to step aside. “I can’t believe you left Nathan to do all of your work. Do you have any idea how swamped he was? He worked like a dog all day and then left, to sleep.”

I sighed and pushed a strand of loose hair behind my ear.

“We offered to help, but he was too nice to accept it,” Jennifer said. “He knows what his responsibilities are and doesn’t go gallivanting around for days”

At that, I laughed. It was almost maniacal, but I already knew I wasn’t mentally stable anymore, so I paid no attention to it. They all stared at me.

Yup, I’ve gone insane. Fuck you.

“I’m so sorry to hear he was having such trouble handling things for three days while I was hospitalized,” I said, sneering at them all. “Your concern is touching as were your offers to help. Amazing, isn’t it, that I did it all by myself for over four months, and not once did any of you even attempt to assist me or see if
I
was okay.
Huh
.”

My hand flicked, spilling the coffee all over the counter and splashing onto Tiffany before pushing past them and back out the door. I stormed back into the office and sat down. I heard Nathan make a sound like he was about to speak, but then changed his mind. I didn’t look at him or try to find out what he wanted. I didn’t give a damn what he thought anymore. I couldn’t afford to. The cost was too high.

The combination of my outburst and Nathan’s mood kept the Boob Squad away from our office for the remainder of the week. It was in the rare instances that they actually did need help that they would brave an entrance into our cave. Not only had the mountains returned and we were drowning in work, but Nathan was not being his usual friendly self as well. He wasn’t being off-putting either, though. He was just…there.

A ploy so he could ignore me easier. Well, at least that was what I thought.

I’d been back a few days when Jack Holloway called me into his office. Upon entering, I found it vacant, so I waited for his return. I perused his bookshelves, admiring the collection, when my eyes landed on a photo frame.

I picked it up off the shelf and stared at the photo it held. It was Jack. His arm was around a woman in her twenties. She was tall with blonde hair past her shoulders and blue eyes. Plain, but beautiful all at the same time.

“My daughter,” Jack spoke from next to me. I hadn’t even heard him enter the room, let alone walk up to me.

“She’s beautiful,” I replied.

“Yes, she was,” he said, taking the frame from me. A look of longing and sadness filled his eyes, and I felt guilty for bringing her up. “Grace…passed away a few years ago.”

I felt awful that I’d forgotten. “I’m sorry.”

He gave me a small smile. “Thank you.”

He returned the frame back to its rightful place. “Delilah, please sit.” He directed me to take a seat in one of the leather chairs in front of his large mahogany desk. “I called you in because I’m concerned. I don’t mean to pry, but something or someone put you into a catatonic state last week. Since then, your attitude has soured.”

“I’m sorry, sir, I don’t mean to be disruptive.”

“That isn’t why I called you in here. I’m worried about you. While your work has remained in its stellar state, I worry about your health—mental and physical. I’d like to suggest, and I only mean this as a suggestion, that you see a therapist. I know of a great one—”

“I already have a therapist,” I said, interrupting him. “I just haven’t been to see him in a while.”

“Might I suggest giving him a call? You’ve been with me for five years, and I’ve never seen you like this.” He looked at me like he actually cared, and then he said words that made my chest clench. “You know you’re safe here. Protected. I care about all of my employees, and I make sure they’re comfortable at work.”

There was something about the way he’d said I was safe. It made me wonder just how much Jack Holloway knew of the truth.

“Please know I’m here for you if you need anything, Delilah.”

The week had been difficult.

Get up, go to work, maybe eat lunch, go home, crawl into bed, rinse and repeat.

I never ate dinner anymore, so it didn’t surprise me that after a week, my clothes were starting to fit a little loosely. Not falling off me, but it was easier to button my tailored suits than it had been.

I didn’t care. I stopped caring. Caring took too much effort, and caring for someone took everything.

Andrew, Caroline, and Ian had begun referring to Nathan as “the asshat.” They didn’t talk about him much, which was okay because I didn’t want to talk about him, or talk at all.

So I stopped.

No more talking.

No more smiling, no more caring, no more mask.

No more Lila.

I was existing, not living.

I didn’t put on an act anymore. It took too much effort. Perhaps this was the real me, exposed for all to see.

On Thursday afternoon, we were so behind with work that later in the afternoon, I realized I hadn’t eaten anything that day. I found myself making stupid mistakes and knew I needed to take a break, but at the same time, there were only two hours left until I headed out.

Jack had dictated I wasn’t to stay past six for the next week, or he would escort me out personally. Any attempts to tell him I was fine fell on deaf ears. He was the boss, after all.

Nathan hadn’t spoken to me since I had returned, but today he felt the need to address that I existed.

Nathan broke the silence when I was midway through the Hansen file. “Delilah, go eat something.” In my peripheral, I could see that he was still staring at his screen.

“No,” I responded, my eyes still fixated on my monitor, my fingers typing away on the Hansen file.

“Go,” he commanded.

“I’m not hungry.” Didn’t he realize he couldn’t tell me what to do anymore? He lost that right.

He slammed his hands down on his desk, startling me. My head snapped up, and I watched him walk out the door at a brisk pace. He returned a moment later and threw something hard onto my desk.

“Eat it.”

“No.”

“Eat the fucking granola bar before I shove it down your throat.”

I picked it up and threw it against the wall. It hit with a crack, and then fell to the floor.

“Oh, I’ve heard that threat before,” I spat at him.

His eyes grew wide as he stared down at me. His disinterested act slipped and I could see, just for a split second, the pain beneath.

I had to admit, it hurt to see that tortured look in his eyes, because if he felt like that, I couldn’t help but wonder why he had separated us. All it brought was a tight stab in my chest and hope.

I had to squash the hope. Nothing good came of it.

Hope wasn’t allowed in my bleak world, along with asshats and their granola bars. They took too much energy.

My first session back with Dr. Morgenson was uneventful. It had been so long since I’d last seen him that it was almost like we were starting from scratch. He already knew about my past, so there was no need to delve into those sordid details.

The present, however… Well, that was a brand new beast.

He made me talk about Nathan.

I didn’t want to talk about Nathan, but Dr. Morgenson wasn’t letting the subject drop entirely. He was a tricky one.

“So, tell me about the last few months,” he said, his gaze expectant.

I went into the story of Nathan coming to work at Holloway and Holloway. There were a few choked sobs that tried to escape at the mere mention of his name. I didn’t want to talk about it—I wasn’t ready—so I turned myself off before I broke down again and slipped a neutral expression back on. Dr. Morgenson knew it as well because he cleared his throat, uncrossed his legs, and leaned forward, staring me straight in the eyes.

I sat, unfeeling, uncaring, pretending not to give a shit about my life as he probed into my emotional state.

“Go on…” he encouraged.

“And then I slipped. I became comfortable in what I knew was a volatile relationship.”  What else was there to say?

“I want to help you get better, Lila. I need you to know and accept that there are people who care about you. People you can trust,” Dr. Morgenson stressed.