Brawler (24 page)

The whole thing was beautiful, everything I had always wanted, but more. He was just fucking perfect. He had cared about my pleasure, we had connected, and it was amazing. We were so in tune with each other, even when we’re sloppy and out of control, it was amazing. We both put our issues aside and just felt. Before him, I never knew what it could be like. I didn’t know it could be like
that
. Stupidly I had thought men liked it rough, liked taking the lead, and liked women who did, too. Turns out, in my stupidity that putting all men in one category was the wrong thing to do. He’s not like any guy I’ve ever known. Everything about him is different, and truth? I didn’t know what to do with it.

How Jonas makes me feel is nothing short of amazing. Whether he was moving fast or slow, gentle or hard, I loved it all simply because it was him doing it. Feeling him inside of me, watching it come over him, having him finish inside of me …

Eyes wide open, I jackknife up, sending Boner flying. “Venessa!” I yell and in seconds she comes running.

“What?” she says looking around with a knife in hand. “What’s wrong?”

“We need to get to the pharmacy,
now.
”

The thing about girlfriends is, we know how to rally. Keys in hand, dog in kennel, we make it to the pharmacy quick. Twelve bucks and two roadside vomits later, I’m in Venessa’s bathroom bawling my eyes out for a completely different reason.

“Rogue,” she whispers in shock. “We need you back here like
yesterday.
” Disconnecting, we look at each other, but no words come out. What the fuck is there to say about
this
shit?

S
itting in my kitchen staring at my phone on the counter wasn’t making me feel any better. If anything, it made me feel worse because I’ve had her number for months, but because I saw her every day I never needed to use it. Now I need to use it but I don’t know what to say. “Sorry I thought you were a murderer? My bad,’” or maybe, “Come on, you know you’re kinda crazy, so what was I supposed to think?,” or possibly, “It’s our first fight, you have to forgive me and then blow me; it’s a rule.”

Exactly, I’m fucked.

However, there’s no time for me examine my head anymore because Rogue pulls up, so I can only imagine what he has to say to me now. Storming through the front he doesn’t say anything; instead he just charges and bulldozes me right into my stainless steel Frigidaire. Breathing through his nostrils, it’s fair to say he wants to kill me right now, and in my state of mind, I’d probably let him.

“Got something to say?” I ask, but instead of answering, he throws me into the living room, shoving me onto on my couch while he takes the other side. Pinning me with that
I’ll kill you if you move
look, I stay seated.

“I let a lot of shit go when you first met Venessa because, I knew you were worried about me. I didn’t know shit about females,” he says, looking me straight in the eyes. Knowing to keep my trap shut, I listen. “Always thought you were big with the ladies, turns out you were full of shit. You don’t know dick, Rafe, and it fucking shows. You never got my feelings for her; you weren’t supposed to because those were
my
feelings for her. You set your eyes on Macy, my girl’s only family, and you not only hurt her every chance you got, but when that ain’t enough, you’d kick her while she’s down too. Three hours, motherfucker,” he growls at me, then stands walking to the door.

“Three hours? What?”

Turning back to me he levels with me his no-bullshit look again “Three hours I held her in my lap while she cried over
you.”

“
Fuck, Rogue I —”

“Three goddamn hours I had to sit there knowin’ I can’t help her. You not only threw my woman under the fucking bus because you didn’t know the story, you put my woman at odds with her
sister
. You wanna see destroyed, partner? Go to my house and see for yourself. You did this. You broke her heart because you’re too fucking stubborn to listen. Between crying and chucking, ain’t shit I can do for her. That’s on
you.
I needed to tell you that and you needed to know it. Now you do.”

“She’s still sick?” I ask, looking for
something.

“She’s got sick from the pizza you fed her,” he says, leaving. “It’s a shame you ain’t the one chucking it up.”

“Fuck, man, what do I do?” He looks at me, then at his phone, and starts running for his truck. Rogan Black does not fucking run ever, so I haul ass after him.

“Rogue!” I yell. “What’s going on man? Talk to me!”

“Don’t know,” he says, jumping in. “Something’s wrong, gotta go.”

Jumping in the passenger seat, he wants to throw me out, but he can’t because he needs to get home, plus I ain’t budging. Flooring it over to his place, my heart is racing and it’s racing with fear.

S
ilence …

Venessa and I stare at the stick with two distinctly pink lines in total silence. Eyes wide, hands in lap, barely breathing, and not sure what the hell to do, we just do what we’ve been doing, we look at it. Part of me expects it to do a trick or start talking, but no; it just sits there with my urine dripping off of it (I make a mental note to clean that up later). You’d think I’d be planning the kid’s future, picking out colors, and wondering if it’s a boy or a girl, but that wasn’t what happened. What did happen was I was in shock. Not the kind of shock that wears off and then joy sets in, no. I was in
howthefuckdidthishappen
and
whatthefuckamigonnadonow
kind of shock. In fact, I am really fucking terrified. While Venessa attempts to comfort me she isn’t even aware I’m not listening. I’m not listening because I went from full on panic to something else completely. Something I’ve never felt before.

Seconds.

It only took seconds and then it
happened
. My entire focus just … shifted. What once held importance no longer did. The unknown is my new reality. My newest challenge isn’t something that could be learned from a book. It is on the job training. The most important job ever took root inside of me.  Motherhood is my new role, yet I've never even held a baby.

Touching my belly I notice it's no larger, it’s not distended. If you look at me you wouldn't know anything’s changed, when in fact everything has. I'm going to be a mom. Not a scientist, not a nurse, not a team member, a mom. In seconds I know, in those few precious seconds, this is going to be the greatest gift I've ever been given, and I have no intentions on squandering it.

Vaguely I hear the front door slam, and part of me relaxes because Rogan does that for you, he can get you to mellow out when shits in the red zone. Oddly enough, once the terror passes I am … at peace. You could say I even feel happiness. But when I look up I see Rogan and Jonas both trying to squeeze through the door at the same time, but finding themselves stuck instead, like out of a goddamn movie. Truth? Any other day this would have me peeing my pants. Today, though, I want Rogan here, and I want Jonas to go away.

“Rogue,” Venessa starts. “Let’s go to the kitchen, yeah? I
really
need to talk to you.” He nods, looking at Jonas, who isn’t looking anywhere but at me.

Rogan looks at me in that protective way he has, and I nod, telling him I’m okay. He looks at Jonas but he doesn’t notice, so reluctantly he leaves with Venessa. I sit there still silent, not knowing what to do, and obviously he doesn’t either. Hating the quiet, I’m just about to say something, anything, when I hear Rogan yell ‘
What?!?
’ so loudly I flinch, forcing me to go back to staring at the stick.

Jonas watches me stare at it but he doesn’t move; he doesn’t say a word. My nerves are starting to get the best of me, plus the confined space of this bathroom. Once again my stomach betrays me. Sliding off the seat I fall to my knees, lift the lid, and introduce my crackers to the toilet.

When the worst has passed, I stand up on shaky legs, take a step over to the sink, and rinse my mouth while that fucking stick continues to remind me it’s there.

“Princess?” he asks quietly, but I just don’t have it in me to look at him. I just fucking can’t.

“Rafe,” says Rogan, joining the party. “Time for you to go.”

“Go?” He says this with hurt and I can actually feel it through my entire body. I can feel
his
hurt. Like I don’t have enough of my own? Since I’m at my breaking point my eyes fill up, my nose starts to twitch, and here comes the spillover. Sobbing as quietly as possible, I try hiding my face, but I know they can both see and hear me.

“Yeah, man,” he says. “She needs her rest, you need to go.”

“Princess,” he whispers. “Are you sick?”

“Rafe,” he says, getting agitated. “Let’s go,
now.
”

“Is she sick?” he asks, panicked. “Macy, are you sick? What’s going on?”

“Enough,” Rogan growls. “You ain’t helping her. Move it, or I’ll move it for you.”

“Goddammit! Just tell me why she’s sick!” he yells, reaching for me. Turning me toward him he looks at my face and I see his worry, his panic for me. “Princess, what’s wrong? Why are you so sick?”

Looking up I decide to rip the band aid off and let him finish ripping my heart out, knowing he’ll walk away after I drop the bomb. He thinks I’m capable of mass murder so no doubt he probably thinks I got pregnant to trap him, too. So I tell him straight.

“I’m not sick, Rafe. I’m pregnant.”

In the short time I’ve known him, he’s been known to surprise me, but nothing could have surprised me like him falling to his knees, wrapping his arms around me, putting his head on my stomach and holding on to me like I matter. The biggest surprise of all is that right then, I just don’t have anything left to give back.

A
daddy.

I’m going to be a daddy.

She’s pregnant with my baby,
our
baby. All I could do was hit the floor and worship her proper. Wrapping my arms around her I’m holding on for all I’m worth. Me, the guy who has shit to show for my thirty-two years on Earth created a life with the most perfect woman on Earth, my woman.

A family.

I’m going to have a family.

Putting my head against her stomach I listen for my kid to talk to me, to tell me he loves me, that I’m worth a shit. If I could promise him anything it’s that I’m going to love him and his momma with everything I got. I’ll make them both happy, we’ll do everything together. He’ll be smart like his momma, strong like me, with her temperament and my street smarts. Fuck me, I’m gonna be a daddy!

Feeling so fucking happy, it doesn’t register that Rogue is removing my hands, taking me from her. It also didn’t register that Macy is crying again, either. Venessa moves past us to hold onto Macy, but I lunge forward, wanting her back.

“Enough,” Rogue says to me, but I don’t understand why everyone is so upset. “You’ve done enough for one day. Time for you to go. If she wants to talk to you, she’ll call.”