Brave New Girl (5 page)

I winced at the word ‘baby'. “Sasha, come on!”

Sasha covered the phone again and rolled her eyes. “What is your problem? I am coming, OK? Do I have to hold your hand to go shopping now?”

I sighed and went inside and hoped she'd follow.
The boys had moved to the chiller counter. It was easy to find them because one of them was laughing really loud. I kept my distance, just out of sight on the other side of the cleaning powder.

“You're never asking her?” That was Luke. His voice sounded really nasty. I could practically hear him making a screwed-up-in-disgust face.

Then I realised. They weren't talking about football any more. They were talking about girls. I felt my stomach do that super-speed swoop it only usually does in tower block lifts. Thirtieth floor to ground level in seconds.

They were saying things about some of the girls in Sasha's year. Horrible things. Talking about them like they were animals. No, worse than animals. Meat. Lumps of meat, like the cold, crispy pork and dead barbecue duck hung up on hooks by the checkout.

Ugly words. Horrible words. I couldn't believe that Luke, with his floppy hair and girl-magnet smile would say such disgusting things.

Then Sasha's name. He said Sasha's name and someone else laughed. I screwed my eyes up tight, willing them to stop, but it didn't work. I thought I was going to be sick. I could feel all the blood draining away from my face and rushing back to my heart.
At least Sasha wasn't hearing this.

Luke went on. “I asked her for this picture, yeah, for the Leavers' Book….”

I felt someone take hold of my hand and squeeze it. It was Sasha, she was standing right next to me and I realised I didn't know how long she'd been there.

“Sasha Campbell Brown?” one of them said, shaking his head. “She's so after you, Luke man, it is sad!”

Luke laughed. “Sasha? Fay's mate? That is one mad-looking girl... we got her down as Miss Desperate 2012! If there was a gold medal for stalking, she'd get it!” Luke laughed the loudest.

I saw Sasha's face begin to crumple. I was shaking my head.

“You're not, Sash, you're so not!” I said it too loud. Suddenly, there was Jamie Kendrick looking down at us from over the Persil Non Bio.

He coughed.

Sasha dabbed at the mascara from where it had started to run under her eyes. I could hear the blip of the till, but nothing else. It was perfectly quiet.

Sasha blinked. I picked up some washing powder. From the other side of the aisle I heard Luke saying, “What! What?”

Jamie looked at us. “Sasha,” he said, and waved a silly little wave. “Hi.”

Luke said, “Oops!” More laughter. Loads of laughter.

I looked back at Jamie. He looked embarrassed. The others didn't seem to care.

Sasha pulled away but I kept hold of her. “Let me go, Seren,” Sasha said in a quiet, tiny-girl voice.

“No,” I said, low. “Nobody talks to my sister like that.” I thought I'd said it quietly but there was a chorus of ‘ooohs' from the chiller-cabinet aisle.

I took a deep breath. I reminded myself that I had promised not to take any more snide remarks or giggles. I had promised that no one was going to make me or anyone I loved feel small and worthless ever again. I had made this mess. Now I was going to clean it up. I walked round to where the four boys in the football gear were still laughing. Well, all except Jamie.

Sasha let go of me and ran to the door. “Seren, come on!”

“No!” I faced the boys. They were just little boys, I said to myself. Like Denny and Arthur, only bigger and more stupid. One hundred million times more stupid. “Shame on you!” I tried to shout,
but I could hear my voice was wobbly.

Luke Beckford had his hand over his mouth to cover his snaky, pretty-boy smirk.

“You!” I pointed at him with the box of washing powder, which was still in my hand. “Don't you ever,” I was boiling over, “ever, talk about my sister like that!”

His stupid hair flopped into his stupid mouth.

This was the opposite of how it was supposed to happen. I wanted to make them hurt but they just laughed more. I wanted them to know how Sasha felt now.

“Sasha is lovely and you…” The words seemed to fall out of my mouth. “Mr Stupid Luke. You are a waste of space... a slug-brain!” I shut up. I was saying exactly what I was thinking. I slapped my hand over my mouth. I almost said poo-head. I wanted to say much, much worse.

Suddenly, there was Keith. He yanked me away and the washing powder jumped out of my hand and landed with a thump on the floor.

The box exploded in a cloud of blue-and-white, soapy snow.

Outside, Sasha was waiting round the corner, face to the wall, make-up smeared. “You bloody idiot, Seren!” She was sobbing, her face red and angry.

I put my hand out but she wrenched it away. I reached out again. but she slapped my hand away, hard.

“Ow! Sasha!” I said. “That hurt.”

“Good!” Her voice was hard.

“It'll be OK, Sasha. I'm sorry, I never meant it to come out like that. I thought… I thought he'd be there on his own. I thought he'd see you in your blue top…”

“You idiot!” Sasha hissed. She looked at me, and if looks could kill I would have been dead three times over.

“Sash, I never meant…”

“Shut up. Don't even talk to me.” Sasha spat the words out. She took a deep breath in and wiped the tears away from her face. She looked straight at me. “You have made the biggest fool out of me! My life is over! Don't you see that? It is over! And it's your fault!”

Sasha turned and flicked her shiny hair, and stormed off in the direction of Fay's.

Sasha didn't come home for ages. She called Mum to say she'd be staying at Fay's till late and not to worry. I made pasta with sauce for the boys but I couldn't eat a thing. Mum was ‘at a really good bit' in her book so she didn't come down either. I looked at the boys snarking at each other while they ate, and I wished I was ten like Denny, or five like Arthur, and nothing much mattered except who could shovel their spaghetti down the fastest.

I had to keep myself doing stuff to not think about what had happened. The sound of Luke Beckford's voice, Jamie Kendrick smiling stupidly with a stuck-on smile and, worst of all, Sasha shouting at me. I pushed my plate away.

She will come round, I told myself. I remembered last Christmas when she got this huge make-up kit
and I accidently mashed up one of the brushes, and she managed to hold out not talking to me for two whole days. I knew this was worse. I must have sighed out loud, cos Denny spoke.

“Are you OK, Seren?” He looked at me. “I'm sorry about earlier,” he said. “Honest. You cook good tea and you're not bad for a big sister, believe.”

“Good,” I said. I told myself to try and be nice, Denny was trying.

“You're not cross with me, Seren?” Denny said

“No,” I said. I knew I sounded cross, I couldn't help it. My face was sort of fixed down. And all those things Sasha had said were just going round and round inside my head.

“You should eat some of this, it's love-erly.” Arthur smiled and pushed the food through the gaps in his teeth.

“Oh, don't do that, Art,” I said.

“Laugh then, Seren. That's what you're s'posed to do.”

“I'll tell her a joke,” Denny said. “It's really good, this one... there's this bear, see...”

“Denny, I'm not in the mood!” I sounded like Mum when she didn't have a book on the go. I couldn't help it.

The boys looked crushed and I thought it was better if I just got out of the way. I went upstairs and turned on the computer.

I hadn't been on the thing for weeks now. When we first got it, me and Sasha would fight over it. Like the boys and the TV remote. We had an hour each after school and that was it.

I'd stopped using it because you couldn't help seeing what the others were doing, Christina and Shaz and Ruby. And it all sounded so great and I wasn't part of it any more. Where they were meeting on the weekend, who did what, when.

Going on those sites and having no one to talk to and seeing who did was a bit like, well it was more than just turning the knife. It was like taking the knife out and then stabbing it into the wound again and again.

I took a deep breath while it started up.
Sashness
. That was her password, and if I didn't know it off by heart it came up in the little box when I typed the s. I looked at her page. Across the top of the page next to a picture of her and Fay in the false eyelashes it said
Sasha is seriously shamed
.

OK, fair enough. I scrolled down to look at her messages. None from Fay, obviously, cos she was there talking to her, but some from Toyin and Debra in her class. All along the lines of “Oh my days! I just heard what happened!”

She was getting enough sympathy. Perhaps it would be OK. No perhapses. I called Keith.

“It'll take time,” he said. “You know that.”

I went to bed early and pretended to be asleep when she came in. I lay there listening to her getting ready for bed, and I wanted so much to turn round and to talk to her. We were sisters, weren't we? I mean, I know we fall out and row sometimes but it's never for ever, is it?

When me and Sash were little we would reach out across the gap and hold hands.

I waited until she had flicked her bedside light out, then I turned over to face her. She was turned away from me in a ball. I knew she couldn't be asleep. Not really. I watched her back. I could tell she wasn't asleep. I coughed. A little ‘I'm not asleep either' cough. So she'd know.

Nothing.

I saw the numbers on the alarm clock flip over five more minutes and I coughed again. A quiet cough.

“Seren, I know you're awake.” Sasha didn't turn round. “And I hope you feel like shit, because I do.”

“Sasha, I am
so
sorry,” I said.

“From now on things will be different,” she said. She still didn't look at me.

“Yes, I know. I'll be...”

“Listen!” she said, and I heard the hardness in her voice. “After today, after this, now. I am not talking to you. I am not talking to you and I don't want you to talk to me again. Ever.”

“What?” I sat up.

She didn't move. “You heard me. Not at school, not at home. Just leave me alone.”

“Sasha?”

She didn't reply.

“OK, school,” I said. There'd been whole weeks when Sasha had decided she wouldn't talk to me at school, that was almost normal. “But home? We have to share a room,” I said. “You're my sister,” I said. I was sounding a bit wobbly, I could hear it in my voice.

Sasha said nothing.

It took me ages to get to sleep.