Brave (Healer) (32 page)

             
‘Not really,’ Rose replies. ‘You skirt around the issues and you won’t face up to it. I have no idea what you’re thinking... Oliver... Gabe... Why won’t you just talk to me about it?’

             
Something inside of me cracks. I am broken open and my insides come pouring out. ‘What do you want me to say, Rose? I fell in love with him but he acted like he hated me and when I finally got him, finally got what I wanted, he was taken away from me. I spent six months
dying
without him. I’d never felt that before. I’ve never been in love before and I’ve never felt so totally obsessed with someone and everything about him was stolen from me: his face, his voice, his stupid sarcasm. I loved him so much and it hurt so much that I couldn’t bear to talk about it to you so I chose ignorance instead...’

             
‘Cassie...’ Rose’s face is like a blur to me as I get lose in a haze of emotion.

             
‘No, let me finish, Rose. You wanted me to talk about it so I will. So I loved him and it hurt. Then I met Oliver and it was a breath of fresh air but at the same time it was the most claustrophobic I’ve ever felt because I didn’t know what to do. I felt like a traitor. I felt like I was betraying how I felt about Gabe, felt like I was betraying him, so I didn’t want to do anything with Oliver. I was scared to fall in love with him because there was no room inside of my heart. It was bursting at the seams with how I felt about Gabe who I thought forgot me. I thought he didn’t know me but he did. He was the one betraying our feelings, what we had,
me...
’

             
I am breathing so rapidly that I’m beginning to get lightheaded. Rose’s face comes into focus for a second and she looks pained, ‘Cassie, you need to calm down.’

             
‘I’ll calm down later, Rose. I thought I loved Gabe but I was wasting my time, wasn’t I? And
everyone
knew it. You knew it. Oliver knew it. Everyone knew that Gabe didn’t love me except me. I wish I’d known. I feel like such a fool, Rose, for believing that my life was a fairytale and that Gabe and I would end up living happily ever after.’

             
Tears are pouring out of me ferociously; I feel like my eyes can’t take the pressure. I wail loudly. I don’t care who hears me scream and sob because it feels so good to finally release every pent up emotion I’ve ever felt over Gabriel Greenall. Every tear that falls is like another drop of my anguish over Gabe. It’s like I’m finally letting go of him. I watch his ghost wave goodbye to me and fade away into the distant as I realise the truth. The problem isn’t how deep my love for Gabe was or whether I betrayed him by falling for Oliver. I find my peace in the realisation that the problem was that, maybe, he did love me but he never loved me enough and I deserved so much more than that.

             
My tears stop and I begin to smile at Rose who looks radiant in the late morning Manhattan life. She looks so concerned for me like I might crumble, like the dying vampires, in front of her eyes. The fondness and warmth that I see in her eyes as she worries for my sanity make me realise that
this
is what I deserve. I shouldn’t be fussing over a man who could never open up to me. I shouldn’t be worrying about the lingering feelings when Gabe couldn’t even say goodbye to me properly. How could I expect him to tell me he loved me and be satisfy me in a functional relationship? He could never make me feel the way Oliver does: safe, secure, happy in our relationship and, even more significantly, with myself. Loving Gabe was torturous. The friendship that Rose offers me, the unconditional love that my family and Oliver give me, is exactly what I need and what I deserve. Suddenly, the lesson that Oliver was trying to teach me by leaving me becomes so clear.

             
I lean over the table and wrap my arms around my friend who, unlike Gabe, has never deserted me. She may have been absent in my life from time to time but she was never gone forever. Even when I was being selfish, even when I put my own problems above that of my family and friends, Rose was, and is, always there for me.

             
‘Want to fill me in, crazy Cassie?’

             
I laugh and dab at the dampness on my cheeks with my fingertips, ‘I’m sorry. I just realised something.’

             
Rose doesn’t need me to explain any further. She smiles at me and she understands that I will no longer cry over Gabe. She did the right thing by prodding me into having that rant because now that it was out of my system, I felt cleansed. ‘Let’s go get ice cream,’ Rose says and flounces off to get ready.

             
I shower, I dry myself, I slip on some freshly washed and ironed clothes at a leisurely pace. I feel content even when there is a tumultuous world spinning around me. Once I’m ready and I’m waiting for Channing and Rose to be ready, although I think they’re probably doing more undressing than dressing, I decide to call Oliver and tell him about my epiphany.

             
‘Cassie?’ the sound of his voice is, as ever, a lighthouse on a dark, stormy night except today the sky is a little brighter, a little clearer and my boat doesn’t seem to be sinking at such a fast pace.

             
‘Hello,’ my voice is singsongy with glee. I never thought realising that Gabe doesn’t love me would make me happy but I feel so enlightened. ‘I love you, do you know that?’

             
I’m so lucky. I’m with a man who I can openly confess my love for a million times a day if the mood strikes me and it will never be received with anything less than reciprocation. Oliver will never leave me out in the cold, he will never leave make me feel that sore unrequited love that Gabe made me feel day in, day out for months.

             
Oliver laughs. It’s a frothy, effervescent sound, it bubbles over the telephone and soaks my heart. ‘I love you too. This is out of your normal phoning routine, what’s up, gorgeous?’

             
‘It clicked,’ I say, falling back on to the bed although when I close my eyes I feel like I’ve fallen onto a cloud and I’m floating in the clear, frosty blue Manhattan sky.

             
‘What did?’

             
‘I figured it out, Oliver. I don’t need Gabe in my life. I don’t even want him. I want you, I want Rose and I want my family but most of all I just want to be happy and right now I’m so happy,’ I gush. It doesn’t matter that I’m facing a life-threatening conundrum. Healer or not, I’m in love with a man who loves me back with his whole heart and I have the best friends and family that a girl could ask for.

             
There is a moment of silence as my words sink in. I wish he was with me right now to pick me up in his strong arms and swing me round; he should be celebrating this moment with me but just to hear his voice will have to be sufficient for now. ‘Cassie, you have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that,’ he says.

             
I want to beg him to get the next flight to New York and be with me but I don’t want to sound desperate. I’ve only just figured this all out and I don’t want to break something so fragile by seeing his perfect face and blowing my emotions all over the place again.

             
‘What’s happening with the spell then, beautiful?’

             
Well, there’s a chilling way to dilute my happiness. My looming decision about whether I want to forsake my Healer powers comes to the forefront of my mind again. It can’t be much longer; Arrow and her friends will soon have figured out a way to untangle all the knots in the plan and I will have to make a choice: live my life as a Healer with vampires constantly in and out of my life, constantly living in fear for myself and my family, or I could sacrifice that which I’ve always considered a burden but know that I will have to live my life like every other mortal. I always thought that’s what I wanted to feel... I wanted to feel really alive, to feel the adrenaline rush of always being on the precipice of death but is it too late now? Am I too accustomed to this life? Will I crumble and fall if things change? And that’s all without considering the danger of the spell itself. Either way it seemed like death was a strong possibility. I start to tremble.

             
‘No word,’ I whisper.

             
‘Well, you know I support you no matter what you do,’ he replies and I fall back onto my fluffy cloud. ‘Do you want me to come back? I want to be there for you when it happens.’

             
Rose knocks on the door and tells me they’re ready to go so I call out to her that I’ll be only a minute although I wish I had more time to come up with an answer. Of course, I want him to be here with me but do I want to force him into all this trouble? What happens if something goes awry? If something goes wrong, I’d want him by my side for my sake but I’d hate for him to see me die in front of his eyes. I don’t want to inflict that pain of him. I shouldn’t be selfish. He should stay put until I’m in the all clear. ‘Thanks, Oliver, but I think we’ll be a while longer anyway,’ I say. ‘At least until after Christmas.’

             
The thought of spending the happiest day of the year without Oliver twists my stomach then I think about how it will be the first Christmas I’ll ever have without my dad to greet me in the morning. It’s been eleven years since I’ve had a Christmas without my siblings, so long ago that I can’t remember what it’s like to have a Christmas free of the mess of little brothers and sisters running around. At least I get to spend it with Rose, Channing and Justin. At least I’m not alone and it could be worse. If things had been different, if I’d still been living in a cave like I had for those six months at home, well, it would be the most miserable Christmas of all.

             
‘I’m going out with Rose and Channing, I need to go,’ I say, trying to fight the melancholy which is coming creeping back into my life. I say the phrase that seems to fit on me like a glove, ‘I love you.’

             
‘I love you too, Cassie,’ then he hangs up.

TWENTY-FIVE

              After food and a walk in the icy weather, looking at the flashing Christmas lights, we laugh our way back into the apartment where Arrow and Garrett are sitting gravely at the kitchen table. Suddenly, I know the happiness of today’s revelation is over.

             
‘Take a seat,’ Arrow says.

             
I take a deep breath before I sit down. I give Rose a wary look, she moves her chair so she can sit closer beside me and clasps my hand. ‘What’s up?’ Rose asks as I seem to have lost my voice.

             
‘It’s all ready,’ Arrow nods slowly.

             
‘What is it? What do we need to do?’ Rose says steadily. It never fails to amaze me how calm she can stay in some situations. For somebody so passionate and emotional, she has a way of composing herself when she needs to. I wish I could say the same for myself. I might have figured out a lot of the kinks in my life but I guess my frazzled nature is something I’m just going to have to accept; I’m not the person to run to in an emergency.

             
Rose, Channing and I listen intently as Arrow and Garrett take turns to explain the spell in great detail. They plan to use a blood transfusion spell which involves a circle of candles being lit in a circle around the subject, me, a series of Latin phrases being said repetitively for an hour or so then the subject has to drink the blood of all creatures from a silver goblet. Then a witch blows out the candles and, voila, I’m no longer a Healer.

             
‘What do you mean I have to drink the blood of all creatures?’ I ask, finally finding the button on my remote which switches me off mute. That was the most striking element of all the voodoo nonsense Arrow and Garrett spouted. I’m not a vampire. I never want to be. Nothing chills me more than the thought of the dark creatures who drink the blood of innocent humans; the thought of lapping up the blood of innocents makes me feel nauseous.

             
Arrow licks her thin lips and slowly explains, ‘You must drink five drops of blood from a human, a witch, a vampire and a werewolf.’

             
My head spins. Well, at least it’s only three drops but the idea still makes my stomach churn. How on earth would we get drops of vampire blood? Then I realise exactly where the werewolf blood would have to come from unless these witches have another werewolf lying around. This is too much.

             
‘We have a plan,’ Garrett says with his smooth American accent. ‘We would lure a vampire in using your Healer blood then we could use a transfixing spell to keep him still long enough to get his blood before killing him. We have all of the necessary connections to find you a completely unfamiliar human, witch and werewolf to drink from.’