Bozena and Sveta (Neuripra) (13 page)

I almost laugh as I skip ahead and the doc says to Zena, “No you are not nuts. I am positive you are not nuts.”

Blown away, I withdraw from Zena's head, having seen enough glimpses of her stepfather flirting with her friends until she had none left, her mother attacking her, attacking her stepbrother, to the extent she pulled him out of bed and put a gun to the eight year old's head... returning power to herself by playing the victim and taking poison. After the doc's analysis I see it for what it is, a desperate attempt to have the attention focused on herself again.

Without constant attention she starts to get abusive, even if it means abusing herself to put her back into the full focus of everyone around her. She is the worst kind of attention seeker, she will force you to feed her energy, be it by cunning, force, attack, or self abuse.

She was one fucked up lady.

Sitting back, I stare at Zena. She's so pale, her eyes glassy with hurt. Now I understand why she doesn't want to open her heart. The one person who is supposed to love her, didn't. Love was conditional. Snatched back and used as a pawn in her mother's twisted psychosis.

The patterns are all there, I saw them when fast forwarding.

And to be honest I'm damn grateful she went to a shrink, because now I understand in layman's terms exactly what Zena went through and why she is the way she is.

I can see why she doesn't believe words as being sincere. Everything she heard she either knew was the twisted truth, or used as manipulation to lure her into a place where she would give her abuser the power they wanted. And in the grips of that power the rage of that woman would surface and annihilate her emotionally.

Everything her mother ever told her was a lie. That's the condition of a NPD manipulator. Nothing is ever the honest truth because they twist everything in their own head immediately, so they come out of it looking like a martyr crossed with Superman.

It's called Narcissistic for a reason, because that person is never to blame, never at fault, to turn that focus inward is their persecution so they project it outward, immediately lashing out at the person poking too close to the truth. The truth is like a boil which explodes puss out, infecting everything nearby with 'narcissistic rage'.

They don't care how much they hurt others, just as long as no one hurts them or exposes their fragile reality, and they will attack in every single way, spreading lies and deceit, so that they never again look like they did anything to warrant the behavior from the people around them. 'They were wronged'.

I want to hurt her for Zena. Luckily for her she's already dead. A snake bite. She was found dead three days later by a neighbor, as Zena had long since stopped going back for more abuse. At least she listened to the wisdom of her psychologist on that one.

I know her whole life now, and unfortunately saw the truth about how she feels about me, Darise, and Jowendrhan, while there. I also can't believe how 'wrong' her mother's reactions were.

Since when is your child fainting a sign of drug abuse? Instead of taking her to the doctor, getting her checked for diabetes and having a general check up to see what could have caused it, she got into shit for being sick. She wasn't the kinda kid who would walk out of an exam, that alone was a sign it was serious.

Every time I think of her mother I just want to smash her into a wall and pummel her face in. What a demented bitch. She was so violent but refused to even acknowledge she had a problem. Projection is very dangerous in the hands of a narcissist. It puts lives in danger, constantly.

None of this was her fault. She was blamed for things she never did, it kept her always on the defensive, no matter how hard she tried the shit just got deeper... until she was suffocating.

Sitting closer, I caress her wan cheek, beseeching her to look at me. “Babes?”

She does, eventually.

“Zena, none of it was your fault. None of it. Your mother was quite simply insane. Crazy. In any other time she would have been institutionalized. Her only saving grace is she was born in an era when women were schooled and could work. Narcissists excel because they have to be the best. It makes them look normal.”

I'm just repeating what the therapist said, but I need her to know I understand.

Stroking her arm, needing to touch her, to soothe and fix, I lower to her level so I can look her in the eye. “Listen to me, nothing about her was normal. That wasn't love. Feeding a child isn't nurturing. She was incapable of nurturing a fucking thing but herself.”

She just looks at me.

It's like she punched me square in the jaw.

It's the silent scream that screams the loudest.

Her accusing silence is ripping me a new one.

I'm going to fix this.

“Zena, I'm sorry for what I did. I had no idea how it would hurt you. I just needed to break through, to get through to you. I can now see, honestly, that you do love me and have let me in, because you trust me. Trust isn't something you offer lightly. Will you let me teach you love?”

The answer is a shiny tear slipping out her eye to run over the bridge of her nose.

Moving my head off my pillow, I lean over her, gently kissing her mouth, tenderly wiping away the tear, releasing the plyx inside me to glow over her face.

Indicating the light coming from my eyes, I start her education, “This is love Zena. In its purest form. We call it Plyx. It's inside you, just like it's inside me. I'm going to let you feel mine, I'm going to love you with it, and then I'm going to show
you what it feels like when you let yours touch mine. Heart to heart, spirit to spirit. Okay?”

Her hand comes up and presses so softly against my cheek, her eyes leaking endless tears, but in her eyes I see the need. The willingness. I broke her heart, but she still loves me. She wants me to make it better, I can hear the thoughts from here.

The fragile bubble of hope.

Crying myself, for her pain, her emotional agony, for her whole life, I close her into my arms, pulling her against my body, pressing our foreheads together and kissing her nose.

Unblinking, I blast her with love, with light.

I wronged her, and now I'm making it right.

Chapter 15

Božena
:

It's magic. Thermal ambiance mists out of his incredible eyes which are aglow with golden maple light.

It flows all over me, sitting on my skin and seeping slowly into my body. Tingling, fizzing, soft, warm, caressing, bubbles popping into me, it filters through, filling me with a buzz. It's not unlike the sensation I had when I got off his motorbike.

The feeling is inside me, zinging and fizzing, heating and soothing, and the warmth it spreads through my belly and up into my heart smacks me with euphoria.

It's completely mystical and impossible. Inside me the bubble grows, filling me up like a balloon, with pure happiness, airy, light, jubilant, it's the same as what Arsay showed me. Love.

Love's hot, gentle, encompassing and complete. It's not sexy or urgent, instead it's languid, buoying, relaxing and sedate.

Closing my eyes against the halo exuding out of him with bright intensity, it unlocks my tight tongue and the truth comes flooding out, desperate to be released, purged, expelled.

“I often feel like I got lost and sent to the wrong planet. If the administration in the ether is anything like local government then that explains how the innocent are sentenced to life in prison,” I say randomly.

Strong hands tenderly rub my arms, tracing to my back, smooth lips nipping at my lower lip, his breath exhaling onto me and sending me into a trance.

“Hmmm?” he mumbles inside the lips on mine, moving to my ear.

“
Abuse happens in prison. Innocence is destroyed through violence and pain, and the insane get majority rule. This entire planet is a crack-house full of addicts living for the next high of breaking you down and reducing you to a perpetual state of anxiety and desperation. I have SS because despite the abuse I am still sane, despite the abuse I am not yet numb. What's even worse is the insane don't know they're mad because they manage to function inside the system and think they're perfectly justified in all that they do. They're not. They were broken and have lost their grasp on reality, on spiritual reality, and instead of protecting innocents from more abuse they join the elite club and attack what the eye cannot see; the heart and mind.”

He stops kissing my neck, breathing into my ear, “Zena, I love you. I'm never going to use that love against you, to hurt you, abuse or manipulate. Love is unconditional. I will love you regardless of whether you love me back. It's simply a fact. I love you. Just like the trees are outside my door and the sky is blue, it's a fact that I love you. And I will spend the rest of my life showing you how much. I will never abandon you, and I give you my sworn oath that I'll never inflict pain on your heart again.”

I open my eyes, staring into the aurora borealis which hovers between us, peering through it to look into his endless carbon dark eyes which glint and glow with embered specks.

I speak my heart, in this moment feeling confident, and safe to be vulnerable, “You are my crystal-meth. Don't you get that? I can't go a day without my fix. It makes me crazy, antsy, uncomfortable. If I don't get my Sveta hug and kiss I can't function. You're different. It's not just the mark on my neck. Yes I love how it makes me feel, and it has made me want to get a tattoo, but you, you accept me even though I'm impossible and unreasonable.”

He presses a finger to my lips, “Shh. Listen to me. I don't love you because you're sexy, or beautiful. I love you because I can see energy. Neuri see life in its purest form. Inside you is a light so bright, pulsating with such beauty, it humbles me every fucking time I look at you. If you could see your beauty like I can, you'd never feel stupid - or ugly - or inferior. You were brainwashed into a state of constant insecurity. I'm going to change that because you're the brightest star in my sky, and I'm willing to make a wish on that one star every night. You're my world...”

His voice cracks, and hot tears slip off my lashes with his heartfelt deep words that are pinning onto my heart. I can feel his voice inside me, resonating. I can literally feel the love flare and heat inside me when he tells me he loves me. It presses hard on my heart, embracing it with a lover's touch, a lover's need, sincere and true, and the vulnerable ecstasy of the moment is so gorgeous it makes me cry tears of happiness.

Squashing us closer together, his tongue runs into my mouth. He sucks my bottom lip, licking up and tickling my palate, pulling back to breathe hoarsely, “You are my everything. You became my world and top priority the second I laid eyes on you in Pravus. Seeing you leave with Jowendrhan burned my ass so bad. What he did to you made me livid, but all I could do was be there for you, to show you how much you mean to me by taking care of you when he didn't. I love you, Zena.
You
. I want you in my bed every night for the rest of time, because you're the one for me. I don't care how damaged you are, I'm here to help the wounds heal, and it takes as long as it takes. Okay?”

I nod, too choked to speak. Snuggling closer, pressing my cheek into his shoulder, I hug him back as fiercely as he's holding me.

I want to believe him so bad. I crave the stability and safety he's offering. As if he knows, the light around me tightens, heating, thrilling me with wave after wave of tranquil peace.

*

Sveta:

The turbulence within her calms and I continue to saturate her with my plyx. It's the only language that can't be corrupted. It's the only way I can prove I'm sincere.

She may not recognize it, but her spirit will, and it will soothe her fears and insecurities when it comes to me. The light cocoon has expanded so much it covers the bed with an ethereal luminescence.

It's time.

“Babes?” I breathe over her parted lips, soaking in her relaxed exhalations. It's delicate and precious, and with all my heart I just want to squeeze her, but can't because it would mulch her bones.

“
Mmm?” she mumbles.

“
It's your turn.” Lacing our fingers together, I pull marginally away from her soft skin pressing into mine, catching both her hands and holding them in mine, between our chests. “Look,” I coax.

Eyes sparkling with blue open and stare a scalded soul at me. My breath jackhammers in my chest. She sends me into eternity when she's vulnerable and exposes her entire being to me.

My fingers tighten between hers in reflex to her gravitational pull, and I gently withdraw my light out of her, pulling hers out with the movement.

She looks at the sparks and swirls, hovering between our eyes, her perfect face scrunching with concentration as she stares at our hands, at the bright red light now floating and clouding with my fiery hue.

“Your plyx is red. It's the color of passion, of raw love, it's the color of foundation, of being grounded. See? Who you are could never be twisted and broken because your inner light is too stable. No matter how hard the world tries to drive you over the edge, they can't shatter the link to your spirit which is unbreakable, and too logical. You will always be this strong. You
are
so strong, and I'm going to teach you how much.”

“
This is nuts, Sveta,” she breathes, a smile lighting up her face, joy reaching her eyes as she looks at our hands in awe.

The wonder of her inner child has just been tapped, and it makes me throb to see it. There's the woman I love. Right there.

Leaning in, I kiss her like the world is exploding and tomorrow we'll all be dancing on rainbows in the heavenly ether.

I love you!

She laughs in my head, and it traps my blood in segregated pockets of amazement. It's the first free laugh she's blessed me with.

“
I love you too,” she says, and I feel it because her light dives into me and punches my heart.

I didn't even have to teach her how to manipulate her light, or how to control it. It's instinctive for her to aim for the heart and make it count.

I can't abstain, releasing her hands I fold her in, squeezing, kissing her, needing to show her the incredible realm of love when two bodies are joined in one light.

Rolling her, draping her in plyx, I slide inside her to create the bubble of psychedelic light and whispered sound. Our light together instantly turns coral, and the vibration increases, thrumming through us both, voltage so high it electrifies, pounding through our bodies, blasting us into stars and fireworks of plyx colliding, bonding, spinning in orbit around each other, catapulted off the earth field into the light field where we are complete and whole in every way.

Now she knows what love is.

Now she can't doubt it.

Leaning close, I bite the mark I left on her neck, showing her the world through my eyes.

It only works when we're both in a love state.

*

Božena
:

Nebulous lights bang and tinkle around us, lifting us into a floating wave of dizzying happiness. So much love I feel I'm drowning in it, and I never ever want it to stop.

It's happy! It's alive, so bright it's almost blinding, the dark room accentuating the display, and all the hurt vanishes as if it was never ever there.

When Sveta kisses my neck, reattaching us with his mark, the room's darkness vanishes and I see instead every atom glowing, everything is alive with energy, pulsating, moving, spinning, dancing. Creation is overjoyed and oscillating with sufi dances, cartwheeling over itself as atoms and energy leap over each other, playful and vibrant.

Now look at me
, he says in my head.

I guess he can't speak and bite me simultaneously. It makes me smile.

It's so hard to drag my focus away from the walls and air, the plyx, but I manage it, looking at his shoulder arching over me.

An abundant waterfall of gossamer light pours off him, covering me, into me, saturating my ethereal being with iridescent
love. It's his energy,
plyx,
soaking into me to wrap me up in his love. He is a huge mass of glowing plyx, and it feels rapturous.

Look at your hand on my body.

Automatically I check my hand, seeing my red light helixing with his, round and round his heart, locking us together.

Soul to soul, spirit to spirit, mind to mind. Can you see why I wanted you to let me in? So I could give you this. I needed you to open up so I could heal your heart and lock us together. Your heart and my heart are sealed together. I will never ever leave you.

Ever.