Boys Beware (18 page)

Today I fell asleep in PSE. I was just so-o-o tired. Unfortunately, it is Miss Selby who is taking us for PSE this term. Wouldn’t you know it! Dear Mrs Meek was so woffly and woolly, she probably wouldn’t even have noticed. But the old spring-loaded eyes came shooting out and spotted me. I wasn’t even snoring! Just sitting there, quite quietly, snoozing in the corner and not disturbing a soul.

Miss Selby was most unpleasant. As usual. Tash tried valiantly to come to my rescue. She said, “Excuse me, but it’s not Emily’s fault. We haven’t had much sleep just lately.” She then went on to explain, in some detail, all about exploding grapefruits, and gunmen in the food cupboard, and people rushing upstairs in droves. I must admit, she did go on rather, but that is just Tash, she gets
carried away. There was absolutely no reason for Miss Selby to tell her to “Stop this inane burble.” I thought that was really rude. Really uncalled for.

Miss Selby is obviously psychotic, and I don’t believe that she was smiling at me the other day, when she stretched her lips. I think she was trying to bare her teeth, like, “You just watch it, Emily Love! I’m going to get you.”

I wish someone would get
her.
Maybe one day she’ll drive herself completely mad and they’ll lock her up. And a good job, too! The world would be a safer place without her.

Friday

When we went downstairs this morning, there was a postcard waiting for us on the hall table. My heart leaped – my knees went wobbly – I broke into a sweat. The classic symptoms of Lovesick Anticipation. (There was an article about it in
Glam Girl.)
My one thought was, “Wackeen!”

Tash, needless to say, went barging ahead and snatched it up before I could get there. “Ooh,” she goes, “who’s this from?”

I yelled, “Gimme, gimme!”

Tash said, “Why?”

I wailed, “Oh, Tash, lemme have it!”

So she did, but it was from Mum and Dad. I am, naturally, very happy to have a card from Mum and Dad
– well, actually, it was to all of us – but I do begin to wonder if I shall
ever
hear from Wackeen. I can’t write to him as I don’t have his address. But I gave him mine, and he promised faithfully that he would keep in touch.

I said to Tash, as we walked up the road to the bus stop, that I thought I would have to reconcile myself to the fact that it had obviously been one of those intense holiday romances which fizzle away to nothing once the holiday is over. Tash –
stupidly –
giggled and said, “Intense? You only knew him for two days!” Ali, who was with us, also giggled. What right Ali has to giggle, I really do not know, considering she must come
way
up the top of the list of World’s Most Ignorant People. In matters of personal relationships, that is. Has she ever had a holiday romance? No! Has she ever had a boyfriend? No! Is she ever likely to get a boyfriend? No! Not unless she starts to pay a bit more attention to the things that matter.

She doesn’t even know any boys! She has absolutely no idea what interests them, or how to talk to them. And there she was, daring to snigger at
me!

They could obviously tell that they had upset me. They both apologised, sounding quite contrite. I was just starting to unruffle myself and feel calm again when Tash had to go and point out that “You didn’t actually properly know him, though, did you?” Some people just always have to have the last word. Except that I didn’t let her!

A bit snappishly I said, “Do you actually properly know Orlando?” (Which is how we have been referring to the Orlando Bloom look-a-like in the pizza restaurant.) Tash had to admit that she didn’t. Ali then wanted to know who Orlando was. I said, “Orlando Bloom, and Tash has been mooning over him for the past week.
Haven
’t you?” Tash nodded; very pink and excited. At the mere mention of him, she’d gone all gooey, like a big sticky meringue. Triumphantly, I said, “Well, there you are, then! And you’ve never even spoken to him … you don’t even know his name!”

Ali, sounding puzzled, said, “I thought you said it was Orlando Bloom?”

I said, “He
looks
like Orlando Bloom … which is why she’s gone all gushy!”

Tash moaned, happily. Ali said, “But who is he?”

I told her that he was a waiter in the restaurant we are
going to tomorrow evening with Auntie Jay. Ali said, “What, Orlando Bloom? He’s a waiter?”

I said, “No, his look-a-like!”

Ali said, “Oh.” And then she thought about it a bit and said, “So who
is
this Orlando Bloom guy?”

It is unbelievable. Tash howled, “Gimme a break!”

I said, “Ali, you have to get your act together!”

Ali said, “But who
is
he?”

We explained that he was “just some actor that everybody in the world has heard of except you.”

Tash added that, “There is life outside of
Star Trek,
you know.”

It just goes to confirm what I said a few minutes ago about Ali being top of the list when it comes to ignorance. She must be about the only person alive that hasn’t heard of Orlando Bloom! Well, apart from a few odd folk that live under stones or at the North Pole. I guess she felt our disapproval as she deliberately stayed downstairs on the bus while we went on top. Tash was all of a fizz and a bubble at the thought of seeing the Beloved tomorrow night. She confessed to me that even if you don’t “actually properly” know someone, you can still have “extremely intense” feelings about them, and she said she shouldn’t have laughed about me and Wackeen. Of
course I said that I forgave her, and within seconds we were the best of friends again.

It is such a comfort to have someone like Tash, knowing that you can confide in each other and tell each other things that you wouldn’t tell another living soul. I could never confide in Ali the way I can confide in Tash; Ali just wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t even confide in Meg or Zoella. They would probably understand, but I would be just too embarrassed. With Tash and me, there are no secrets. We discussed our feelings for Wackeen and Orlando all the way to school. It was very satisfying.

At break, Kim showed us some special stuff she had got which sprays gold dust over your hair. Tash is now determined to go into town first thing tomorrow morning and buy some. It’s rather expensive, in fact it is
outrageously
expensive, but I guess nothing is too good for Orlando!

Week 8, Saturday

Tash has bought her gold dust and sprayed it in her hair. I have told her that it looks
très sophistiqué.
It ought to, the amount it cost! But Tash is happy, and that is what counts. She says there is a whole range of colours, including emerald, which she thinks would suit me. I may perhaps get some for Shauna’s party, but it’s not worth splashing out just for going to the pizza
restaurant with Auntie Jay. I don’t remember noticing any other famous look-alikes waiting table! In any case, it is Tash’s evening and I wouldn’t want to spoil it for her by trying to compete.

Tash has just emerged from the bathroom and given me a twirl. She looks stunning! She’s wearing a stripy vest top, black and gold, with her black skirt that Mum always says is too short, and cowboy boots like you sometimes see Madonna wearing. Plus, of course, the
very expensive
gold dust in her hair. If Orlando has any taste at all, he will take one look at her and that will be it. Wow! Smitten! I’ve told her this and she has gone a bit pink and said, “D’you reckon?” She seemed anxious about something. It’s only now that I have noticed … she’s gone and sprayed gold dust on her eyelids! It’s kind of stuck on to her eye make-up, which is what I would call green but she says it’s “aqua”. Green is naff, aqua is cool. She’s obviously not quite sure about it, though, cos she has just asked me whether I don’t think it’s a bit too
bling?
I have assured her that it isn’t. But I have told her that she will have to keep blinking, and batting her
eyelids, if she wants Orlando to get the full effect. So now she has gone back into the bathroom to practise.

I am not wearing anything special as I think it would be unfair to Tash; well, on this particular occasion. Not when we go to Shauna’s party! Then it will be no holds barred!!! But today I have just got on an old top and a pair of washed-out jeans. I think

Goodness! Ali has just appeared. She has really taken our lecture to heart. She has pulled her hair back, tight, into a pony tail, so that it’s all lovely and swishy, and she has actually put on some lipstick and eye shadow.
Ali!
It is amazing what a difference it makes. She is also wearing a pair of trousers that I swear I have never seen before, with a shirt and a waistcoat that I didn’t even know she had. Can she have sneaked out and bought them without telling us? It’s just the sort of thing she would do!

Tash has re-emerged from the bathroom and her jaw has dropped open. She is every bit as knocked out as I am! We have both assured Ali that she looks “really nice” and I can see that she’s pleased to have our
approval. I’m thinking to myself, however (though I am certainly not saying so to Ali) that it’s a bit excessive to go to all this trouble just to sit in a restaurant and eat pizza with Auntie Jay, and me and Tash. Unless maybe she thinks there are likely to be more Orlando Blooms hanging around? If that is the case, I’m afraid she is going to be disappointed, but it is a good start and it would not do to discourage her.

I am now the only one who is not dressed up! I could always go and change, but there doesn’t seem much point. I remember all the other waiters as being quite boring. Some of them were really old. So I am going to stay as I am and be the Ugly Sister!

Sunday

I do
so
wish that Ali would learn to communicate. It wasn’t just us and Auntie Jay that went for a meal last night. Gus and his dad came, as well!!! And Ali
knew
about it. All the time, she knew about it! She wasn’t in the least bit surprised to see them waiting there, when we went downstairs to meet Auntie Jay. We were! Me and Tash had absolutely no idea they were coming with us. And there was me, looking like the Ugly Sister, and Tash and Ali all dressed up, gnash gnash, much grinding of teeth. Ali dressed up, and me dressed down! I looked such a sight, I just wanted to
die.