Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (22 page)

When Shannon told me about her life before becoming a Christian, I never wavered in my desire to continue our relationship. I loved her. I knew that God had saved her and changed her, and I believed that He was leading us to become husband and wife.

But just because I had forgiven her and was confident about our future didn't mean that I didn't struggle at times with her past. In fact, some of the hardest days for me came after we were engaged. As the time grew nearer for Shannon to become my bride, the reality of what was lost touched me in a new way. I began to fear that Shannon would compare me to her past boyfriends. I was hurting and needed reassurance.

I share this with you to say that after you're done confessing and forgiving each other, you're still going to need each other. You'll both face unique temptations. In our relationship, Shannon continued to deal with condemnation. She needed me to remind her that I had forgiven her and that God had cleansed her. At the same time, I needed to hear her tell me that she loved me and that her past relationships were meaningless to her.

But the most important thing we learned was that ultimately the comfort we each longed for could come only from God. We did need each other, and we did extend grace and support to each other. But only God Himself could bring true peace and final closure to the past. I couldn't be Shannon's ultimate source of assurance. And Shannon couldn't be mine. She couldn't say "I love you" or "The other guys don't matter" enough times to bring my heart peace. I had to look to God and find that peace from Him.

Some of the best and most realistic advice I received was from a friend who had gone through a similar experience with his wife. He simply said, "The sting lessens. You'll always have a sense of regret, but over time the pain decreases till it's hardly there."

He was right. Before Shannon and I were married, there were days when, tortured by my own imagination of Shannons past relationships, I could only lie on my bed and cry to God for mercy. The sting was sharp and painful. But it has lessened. In fact, it has nearly disappeared. Today I rarely, if ever, even think about it. When I do, there's sadness, but greater than the sadness is my joy at how God has rescued both Shannon and me.

For us the memory of our difficult conversation and the days that followed is bittersweet. Bitter because sin really does destroy and ruin life; sweet because in the moment of our deepest shared grief, the mercy and grace of God was never more real to us. The pain of the past caused us both to draw closer to the cross of our Savior Jesus. The gospel became more real, more cherished, more powerful than ever before.

Is it possible to outrun the past? No. But when you know the forgiveness and grace of God, it
is
possible to face it without fear. For Shannon and me, the past still comes knocking. But when it does, we don't open the door on our own. We look to our crucified and risen Savior, and we ask Him to answer it for us.

We started our marriage, and hope to always remain, in awe of grace-two sinners at the foot of the cross.

193

Ten Questions to Answer Before You Get Engaged

Joanna Purswell.
She liked the sound of it.
Joanna Marie Pur swell.
Yes, it definitely had a ring to it. Joanna Stockwell was dreamily playing the Last Name Game in her head.
Hi, I'm Mrs. Purswell,
she practiced.
Hello, I'm Mrs. Joanna Purswell. This is my husband.

Shawn was driving her home after an enchanting evening together. They'd only begun their courtship a few weeks before, but she'd already decided that if Shawn proposed, she would definitely say yes. Shawn had so many wonderful qualities. He was cute, he drove a great car, and he was.. .well.. .so
cute.
He'd look so handsome in a black tuxedo standing next to her in her white satin wedding dress. What color bridesmaid dresses did she want? Pink or emerald green?

Next to Joanna in the driver's seat, Shawn was in his own dreamworld. He looked over at her and smiled. She smiled back. The sunroof was open, and the cool summer air was

Flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror jerked him back to reality. "Oh, this is just great!" he said angrily as he eased his car to the side of the road.

"Were you speeding?" Joanna asked.

"No," Shawn answered bitterly. "At least I don't think so." He fumbled in his glove compartment for his insurance card, and then rolled down his window. A tall, meticulously dressed policeman was already walking briskly to the car.

"Uh, ," Shawn said, talking quickly. "Sir, I honestly don't think I was going over the limit back there and...."

"Not here to talk about the speed of your car, son," the officer interrupted. "We need to talk about the speed of your
relationship."

"My what?" Shawn asked.

"You heard me," the officer said, pulling off his dark glasses and hunching his hulking body down so that he was eye level with the couple. "How long have you two been in a courtship?"

Shawn and Joanna looked at each other in openmouthed shock.

"I'm a Courtship Cop," the officer explained. "It's my job to make sure couples like you don't speed your way into bad marriages." He whipped a flashlight off his belt and pointed it in their eyes. "Just as I suspected," he said. "Bloodshot eyes. Young man, you've probably been thinking about sex. And
you,
young lady, have the glassy eyes of a Premature Wedding Planner."

"When did you start your relationship?" the cop asked again.

"Urn, about a month ago," Shawn stammered. His mouth was dry.

"And did I just see you pull out of the parking lot of Marquee Jewelers a few miles back?" the cop asked.

"Uh.. .well, yeah," Shawn said.

"Don't tell me you're already looking at engagement rings!"

"Well, um, we were just browsing," Shawn said sheepishly.

"It was his idea," Joanna interjected.

"Hey!" Shawn said defensively. "You wanted to look too!"

"I really don't care whose idea it was," the cop said dryly. "I pulled both your records, and neither looks good. You both have a history of quick emotional entanglements; you've only been courting three and a half weeks; and our reports show that most of your interaction so far has been superficial and based on fantasy. No real friendship. No spiritual relationship. And there's been no serious discussion of values, goals, or expectations for marriage. Even worse: zero counsel from others!"

"Could you let us off with a warning?" Shawn asked meekly

"I don't think so," the officer said sternly. "I'm writing you both up for 'considering engagement while under the influence.' Do you realize the danger you put yourselves in by speeding towards marriage while romantically intoxicated?"

At that, Joanna started wailing and tugging on Shawn's arm. "My mom is going to kill me!" she moaned. "She's a member of MADE-Mothers Against Dumb Engagements! She's gonna freak out. This is all your fault!"

Shawn didn't say anything. He was already beginning to sober up....

|iCourtship Cops? Okay, I admit it's corny. Thankfully there's no

such thing. But if there were, would your relationship get pulled over? How would it hold up under examination? Should you keep speeding toward engagement, or are you driving "under the influence"?

The purpose of this chapter is to help you make a wise decision about marriage. We're going to ask questions that can keep you away from engagement if it's the
wrong
decision and encourage you forward if it's the
right
one.

This is sobering stuff. Stack up all the choices you'll ever make in life-which school you attend, which job you take, which friends you choose, which car or house you buy-and they're dwarfed by the decision about which person you marry Your marriage will join you body and soul to another human. Your marriage will determine the mother or father of your future children. It can strengthen or hinder your effectiveness for God. It can bring you a lifetime of joy or leave you miserable.

That's why we have to keep reminding ourselves of the real questions we're facing. The questions are not: "Do we want to have sex?" or "Would we enjoy the excitement of getting engaged and planning a wedding?" or "Do all our friends and family expect us to get married?"

The
real
questions are: "Are we ready to care for, sacrifice for, and love each other through good times and bad?" and "Do we believe that we would glorify God more as a couple than as individuals?" and "Are we ready for forever?"

Many people are unhappily married because they failed to ask the important questions. Instead of soberly evaluating their relationship, they got caught up in the excitement of the moment. They ignored reality when they were dating, only to

The season of courtship is the time to be wide-awake with your eyes wide open. This doesn't mean being hypercritical or judgmental. Instead, it means soberly and honestly evaluating ourselves, the other person, and our relationship before we commit ourselves to marriage.

Questions to Ask Before You Buy the Ring

The ten questions that follow can wake you up to the current condition of your relationship. Many of them are taken from what we've discussed in previous chapters. I've also borrowed heavily from an article entitled "Should We Get Married?" by David Powlison, a skilled Christian counselor, and John Yenchko, his pastor. (This article is also available from Resources for Changing Lives as a booklet entitled
Pre-Engamement: 5 questions to Ask
Yourselves.) These two men, who possess much more wisdom and experience than I, have very generously given me permission to quote them extensively.

I encourage you to approach these questions humbly and with a desire to grow. Working through these ten questions as a couple, as well as individually, can help you discover both strengths and weaknesses in your relationship and help you make a more informed decision about whether you should get married.

1. Is
your relationship centered on God and His glory?
Is Jesus Christ the Lord of both your hearts? A happy marriage is founded on mutual love for and submission to Him. Are you obedient to His Word? Are both of you striving to find your

2.
Are you growing in friendship, communication, fellowship,

and romance?

being together? Apart from your romantic feelings, do you have a solid foundation of friendship?Are there activities and interests that draw you together? If you4

were the same sex, do you think you'd be friends?

Communication. Have
you grown in your ability to hear and understand each other? Every relationship will have room for improvement; the question is do you see growth?

Fellowship.
Do you talk about spiritual things? Do you pray together? Do you love God more today as a result of your relationship?

Romance.
Are you growing in your romantic desire for each other? Are your affections increasing? If they aren't, why do you think they're absent? Are you trying to make the relationship work when your heart really isn't in it?

3.
Are you clear on your biblical roles as man and woman?

Do both of you have a biblical conviction about what it means to be a godly man or godly woman? Are you in agreement about the role of husband and wife? When you read chapter 7, were their any parts you reacted to or disagreed with? Talk about them together.

If you're a woman, ask yourself if this man is someone you