Boy Meets Girl (21 page)
Re: Kate
Hi, Jen. Thanks for putting me in touch with your division’s IT guy. Unfortunately, Tim wasn’t able to give me the kind of help I was hoping for. I did, however, just speak to someone who happens to be an expert in the area of data retrieval. And I was thinking that if you and I put our heads together, we might be able to do something to help rectify the situation.
With Kate, I mean. And her current state of unemployment.
Of course, what I’m suggesting will involve—well, nothing illegal, exactly. But something that might, if it’s found out, get you into trouble. Possibly even fired. I wouldn’t even ask you to get involved if it wasn’t for the fact that there is absolutely no other way, that I can tell, around it.
Anyway, if you’re up for it, give me a call. You have my card.
And it’d be really great if you wouldn’t mention any of this to Kate just yet. It might not pan out, and I’d hate to get her hopes up for nothing. Thanks.
Mitch
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Kate
Are you kidding? You can count me in.
Just name the date and time, and I’m your girl.
J
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Dale Carter
Re: Vivica
Look, Viv told me how you won’t answer her e-mails and shit. And I can understand why you might be mad, Kate. I mean, it might seem like one minute I was, you know, confessing my undying love for you in the lobby of your office building, and the next minute, I was, um, making out with a supermodel.
But the truth is if I thought there was even a CHANCE you might come back to me, I’d drop Vivica in a New York minute. Whatever that is.
But hell, Kate, you made it pretty clear last time I saw you that it was over between us. So I thought I’d take your advice, you know, and move on.
If you’ve changed your mind and want to get back together, though, just say the word. We’re leaving for tour in a few days, but you could still fully sign on as like, costume mistress or something, and travel with us in the RV.
That’s right, Kate. We get to go across country in our own RV. Just like your mom.
Don’t get me wrong, Vivica’s hot and all, and she’s nice, too. But nobody could ever hold up a candle to you Kate. Just say the word, and I’m yours again.
Dale
To: Dale Carter
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Vivica
Hold a candle. Not hold UP a candle.
And the reason I haven’t answered Vivica is because I’ve been busy, Dale. But really, I think it’s great about the two of you, I hope you’ll be really happy together. I mean it. I’m glad you’re moving on, because I am, too.
At least, I’m trying to.
Take care, Dale. And good luck coming up with a rhyme forVivica.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Sean
Re: Last night
Hi. I found your e-mail address in my brother’s address book. I just wanted to say thanks for being so understanding and everything last night. You’re a really cool person. You made me feel like I’m not this enormous freak which, frankly, I’ve kind of suspected lately that I really am.
So. Thanks.
And I’m sorry I messed up your evening with my brother. But if it’s any consolation, I think he really likes you, because you’re all he can talk about. Like he practically killed me after you left for crashing your dinner. And he’s never been that way about any girl before.
So . . . talk to you later.
Sean
To: Vivica
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Dale
Dear Vivica,
Sorry I didn’t write sooner, but things have been kind of . . . hectic. I mean, I lost my job, and I sort of don’t have a real place to live—Dale can tell you more about that, though.
Anyway, in answer to your questions about Dale, to the best of my knowledge, he’s never tried to kill anybody. Once this guy threw a bottle at him while he was on stage in Jersey City, and Dale and he got into a fight, but that was totally provoked. And they were able to reattach the guy’s finger just fine.
I don’t really know Dale’s opinion on driftwood sculpture—I don’t think either of us has ever seen any of that. Kentucky is a landlocked state, you know.
But I’m sure Dale doesn’t DISLIKE driftwood sculpture. And yes, he is good with pets. He even had a dog for most of the time we were going out, until it got kicked in the head by a cow (long story).
My only complaint about Dale—as he seems to have told you—is about the commitment thing. I think if you’d been going out with someone as long as I ended up going out with Dale, and then had him turn around and say he had to take it one day at a time and wasn’t sure whether or not he could commit, you’d have moved out, too.
But maybe that’s just me.
And maybe things will be different for you and Dale. You sound like a very nice person—I saw you on the cover of this month’sVogue, and you LOOK like a nice person, too. I sincerely hope things click with you and Dale.
In the meantime, could you please tell him that if he’s planning on giving up the apartment early in order to leave for his tour, that I still expect my half of the security deposit back? I’m currently unemployed, as I think I mentioned, and could really use the money.
Good luck,
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Vivica
Re: Dale
Oh my God, thanks SO MUCH for your e-mail. You totally made my day. I’m SO glad Dale never tried to kill anyone (although what’s with the finger thing? Well, I’m sure he’ll tell me when he’s ready)!
You sound like a really nice person, too. I’m sorry you have no job, boyfriend, or place to live. You may not believe this, but when I first came to New York, I was just like you. I mean, homeless and poor. Until I signed with my agency, and all.
Hey, have you ever thought of being a model, like me? Dale showed me that picture of you two in front of the bagel shop, and you looked so cute! You’re too short to do runway work, of course, but you could totally do print work. Why don’t we get together for lunch sometime this week to talk about it? I found a new restaurant, and it is SO good. I don’t know how you feel about foreign food, though. It’s called the Olive Garden. It’s Italian . . . like Pizza Hut. Only no pizza.
Anyway, let me know!!!! I would love to meet you!!!!!
Love,
Vivica
To: Sean
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: You
Thanks so much for your e-mail, but really, Sean, I didn’t do anything. You are the one who took the brave step of admitting your true feelings to your family and, more important, to yourself. While it’s unfortunate that certain members of your family weren’t thrilled by the news, at least you can be satisfied that you were as honest with them as you could be. I hope you’ll understand that their concern for you stems from their deep love, and maybe from a little bit of fear over something that might be foreign to them. It’s up to you to try to educate them, and let them know that the choices you’re making aren’t self-destructive at all, but choices based entirely on your love for them, yourself, and for Sarah.
One thing Mitch mentioned that I almost forgot: Isn’t it true that your grandfather left each of his grandchildren two hundred thousand dollars, to be held in trust until they turn eighteen?
Well, aren’t you nineteen?
If your parents continue to refuse to pay for your schooling, couldn’t you use the money your grandfather left you to pay for it yourself?
Just a thought.
Hope to see you again soon.
Kate
To: Jason Trent
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Janice
Look, it would only be a couple of weeks. You know the kids love her. So what’s the big deal? I’ll ask her to wear headphones if she’s going to put on any Tori Amos. Don’t be so unreasonable. I put up with YOUR relatives all the time.
Stacy
P.S. We’re out of Honey Nut Cheerios.
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Jason Trent
Re: Janice
Excuse me, but none of MY relatives are likely to quote Ani Di Franco at the dinner table. All of MY relatives are in jail, where they belong.
You’re asking too much, Stace. I mean, what are you going to do when Haley and Brittany want to start dyeing THEIR hair green, too?
Jason
P.S. We employ an au pair, a gardener, a housekeeper, a pool boy, and a cook. None of THEM can run out to the store to get Honey Nut Cheerios?I have to stop and get them on my way home? What do we pay THEM for?
To: Jason Trent
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Janice
Excuse me, we entertain your brother and his wife and child nearly once a week. HE is not in jail.
And if Haley or Brittany end up wanting to dye their hair green, we’ll tell them they can, when they are Janice’s age.
Come on, Jason, this is important. Not just because I think Mom is going to pay somebody to kidnap Janice and have her sent to Utah for deprogramming, but because I think Mitch finally met a girl he really likes. He just needs some time alone with her to . . . you know.
S
P.S. God, it’s just a box of cereal, what is your problem?
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Jason Trent
Re: Janice
Oh, so now I’m supposed to let your sister live with us so your brother can get laid? I’ll tell you what, Janice can come to stay if you promise SHE’LL get the Cheerios. But she’s not driving the Range Rover!
Jason
To: Katydid
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: You
Haven’t heard from you in a while. What are you doing? Has he called yet?
The T.O.D. is on a full-scale rampage today. She’s already made the receptionists cry. She told them they couldn’t do the filing anymore for overtime, they have to file during office hours. They want to know how they are supposed to be in the file room AND answer the phones at the desk, and the T.O.D. just said, “Work it out,” and slammed her office door.
If she doesn’t watch it, people are going to start burning her in effigy.
Where are you, anyway? I called and got no answer.
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Katydid
Re: Me
I just went out to grab the paper. You know. That whole job thing?
Is Steph
Oh, crap, the doorman’s buzzing, hold on.
East Side Floral Company
1125 York Avenue • New York New York, 10028.
To: Kate Mackenzie care of Dolly Vargas. 610 East End Avenue, Penthouse A.
Thanks for everything the other night. You were great with Janice. Can we try dinner again sometime? Soon?
signed, Mitch
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Whadja get?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Are you crazy? Don’t IM me. You’re at work, you’re going to get fired, just like me.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Are you kidding? With you gone, Amy’s having to take on the LZs until we find a replacement. She’s got so many PAFs to get through, she can’t even find a spare moment to plan her reception. It’s killing her. I’ve never been more assured of my job security. Now spill. Whadja get????
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Oh. Flowers.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
FROM HIM??????
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Yes.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Describe.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Yellow roses this time. Two dozen.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Um, if you don’t want him, I’ll take him.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Back off! You’re married.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Trade?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Um, no, thank you.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Bitch. So now what are you going to do?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
I don’t know. Look for a job?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
I MEAN ABOUT THE BOY!!!!!!!!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Remember Professor Wingblade?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
How could I forget? You only quote him every five minutes.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Well, remember how he said before you can learn to love someone else, you have to learn to love yourself?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
No. I never went to his stupid class. You didn’t have to. All the test questions were multiple choice and were straight out of the back of the book.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Well, he used to say that. And the thing is . . . I think he’s right.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
God, eat some chocolate and get over it.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
I’m serious! I know it’s wrong to define yourself by your job, but, Jen, I kind of did, and now, without it . . . I just don’t know why I’m even here. On this planet, I mean.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Oh my God. You SO need chocolate.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
I’m serious. I don’t want to make another mistake about a guy. Not after what happened with Dale. I mean, I really thought the two of us were going to get married.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Okay, okay. I’m not saying you should move in with the guy. But you could call him, at least. And thank him for the flowers.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
I guess.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
And ask him over. And take a bubble bath with him in Dolly’s Jacuzzi.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
JEN!!!!!!!! I’m SERIOUS!!!!!!!!! Meet me at Lupe’s after work so we can talk about it?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Uh. Can’t.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Why?
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Previous engagement. Sorry. Take a rain check?
Katydid:
Oh my God. You’ve found a new best friend. I’m out of the office for a few days, and you’ve gone and found a new best friend!
Sleaterkinneyfan:
Yeah, that’s it, all right. I’m going out with my new best friend. God, get a grip. Look, I have to go, my 4:30’s here. Talk to you later.
Sleaterkinneyfan:
logged off
To: Orin Wingblade
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Life
Dear Professor Wingblade,
You probably don’t remember me. My name is Kate Mackenzie. I was in your Soc 101 and 102 class several years ago.
I just wanted you to know that I did graduate and went on to a career in social work. I wanted to “make a difference,” the way you urged us all to. I was employed by the city (of New York) social work department for a year before I realized that it wasn’t working out.
Professor Wingblade, it pains me to say this, but I really don’t think that one person CAN make a difference. I’ve tried and tried. Back when I worked for Child Protective Services, I tried, and more recently, when I worked for the HR department of a major New York newspaper, I tried.
But both times, Professor, it was as if I were beating my head against a brick wall. Little kids still went to bed hungry while their parents watched DVDs on their wide-screen TVs, and good people—people I really, really liked—got fired for no good reason. In addition, the people I worked for LIED about firing someone—and thenI got fired.
The reason I’m writing to you is . . . Professor Wingblade, what am I supposed to do now?
I went out into the world and tried to make a difference, but nobody’s life is improved because of me, and my own life is, frankly, in shambles. I broke off a relationship because the man I was involved with made me feel like I wasn’t worth much to him.
So now I have no boyfriend, no job, and no permanent place to live.
I don’t want to burden my friends with my problems anymore—they have their own problems. My best friend wants a baby more than anything, so she’s on fertility drugs, and I don’t want to stay at her place—not while she and her husband are trying to make a new life.
Meanwhile, you know, high-school girls are getting pregnant right and left, and don’t even WANT the responsibilities of parenting.
Iwant kids someday, too, but I can’t seem to find a guy who will commit to tomorrow, let alone stay around long enough to fertilize an egg or see the egg become a baby and the baby become a college grad. I did meet a new guy, but—well, he’s somewhat responsible for getting me fired in the first place, and may be interested in me out of sympathy. We’re certainly attracted to each other sexually and he seems to really like me . . . only how can he, really, when I don’t even like myself?
I should tell you that he’s a lawyer. I know you said all people have worth and dignity. But are you sure that includes lawyers?
How can I open myself up to a new relationship—I’m already completely incapable of getting this guy out of my head and it’s driving me CRAZY—with someone who not only got me fired, but is also a public defender turned high-powered corporate lawyer?
The other thing: I’ve met two members of his immediate family. One was very nice, but the other— Oh my God! What an ass! And things have gotten complicated. And not just because I let him put his hand up my shirt.
Oh my God. I can’t send this to you now.
Well, yes, I probably can, because I feel you’ll understand, on account of how your sharing with us about your wife grabbing the car keys and leaving without telling you where she was going. I sincerely hope that everything has worked out well for you and your wife.
Well, Professor, I have to go, Dolly’s housekeeper is here to change the sheets of the bed I’m lying on.
Please, though, if you get a chance, I’d really appreciate it if you’d drop me a line. I have no one else to turn to.
Thank you,
Kate Mackenzie
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Tonight
You guys ready?
Mitch
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Tim Grabowksi
Re: Tonight
Thunderbirds are go.
Tim
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Tonight
Are you kidding? I can hardly wait.
J
Dear Katie,
I hear from my lawyer that you are fired, too! And because of me! I am very sorry to hear this. And so I brought you some of the cookies you like so much. I hope they will make you feel better. Also I am taking some to the lawyer man who made you fired. The ugly one’s brother. He is a good man, this brother, in spite of getting you fired. I think he’d be nice to you . . . not like that no-good other boyfriend I see you with.
Here is the recipe for my cookies, so you can make them for this man, and he will love you.
Ida
Ida Lopez’s Gingersnaps
11 /2 sticks unsalted butter (softened)
11 /3 cups sugar
1 egg
1/4 cup molasses
2 cups flour
2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/4 tsp salt
Preheat oven to 350šF. Beat butter and 1 cup sugar on medium until well blended. Beat in egg and molasses until fluffy.
Whisk ginger, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves, and salt into flour. Add flour mixture into butter/sugar mixture with mixer on low.
Using1 /2 teaspoon, form dough into balls. Roll balls into remaining1 /3 cup sugar. Place two inches apart on greased cookie sheets. Using fingertip, place a drop of water on top of each cookie. Do not press down on dough.
Bake 1215 minutes or until cookies are flattened or crinkled. Cool for two minutes on sheets, then place on racks.
Note: 12 minutes for chewy cookies, 15 for crispy.
