Bouquet Toss (25 page)

Tanner wraps his arms around me, kisses me on my temple and we walk up the steps to my apartment.  I feel so protected, so appreciated, so loved.  Life is good. 

Japan
 

My brow furrows as I hear Tanner’s news.  He is not happy about the recent development either, so I try my best to act as if I’m not upset, scared or hesitant so as to be supportive.  “Well, it’s only for four weeks.  And we can Skype, right?”

Tanner lets out a sigh into the phone, “Yeah, I know, but we’ve spent this entire summer together.  The idea of even one week apart is trying, let alone four.  But, my boss says I’m the only developer that can fix the problems the client is having in
Tokyo
.  Don’t get me wrong, this is a really great opportunity for me career wise.  But, I’m wishing they had sent me months ago, before I met you.  We’ll be in completely different time zones.  I’ll be awake while you’re sleeping and vice versa.”

“I know, Tanner, I know.” My heart is aching, “But, we’ll have email and we can Skype every day.  I’ll miss you like crazy, though.”  I pause, sighing, “When do you have to leave?”  I ask, hoping I’ll still have some time with him.

“That’s the worst part.  This trip is based on immediate problems and they need me to arrive this weekend, which means I have to leave tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” I practically shriek into the phone.

“I know, it’s awful.” Tanner says roughly. “But, I can’t say ‘no’.  If I could, you know I would.”

“We’ll be fine.  We’ll do whatever we need to do to stay connected.  You are getting the opportunity of a lifetime.  The thought of spending an entire month across the globe is fascinating, really.”

“You’re being a really good sport about this. Thanks, sweetheart.  Listen, I had better get packing.  They are putting me on an afternoon flight, so I will try to stop by your school before I leave for the airport.  I can’t imagine leaving without kissing you goodbye.”

“Me neither,” I mutter, dragging my hand through my hair, staring up at the ceiling holding in my tears.  “Yes, please come by tomorrow.  We need a respectable goodbye.  Get started on your packing, call me if you need help deciding what to bring.”

“Will do.  Thank you, sweetheart.  I love you.”

Thankful that a new school year has arrived, I know my job will distract me while Tanner is away.  We’ve only been together just short of five months.  We’re still in the honeymoon phase where we can’t stand to be apart.  Compound that by the fact that we just exchanged “I love you’s” for the first time, and this trip is sounding less appealing with every minute that goes by.

I glance at the clock.  It’s eight o’ clock in the evening, which means I have a few hours to stew on this before going to sleep and facing the next month without Tanner. I try calling Elise, but she’s not home so I resign myself to watching television in an effort to distract myself.  I’m starting to drift off to sleep when my cell phone dings from my purse.  My curiosity piqued, I retrieve my phone to find a text message from Tanner: 

I can’t wait until tomorrow.  Please unlock your back door.

Ecstatic, I run to the back door of my apartment and throw it open.  Tanner is standing on my deck, his back to me.  He quickly turns and reveals a large bouquet of roses, lilies and gardenias.  His smile is wide; his eyes are filled with hope.

“I couldn’t wait, I’m sorry.  I had to see you.”  He says, with a small shrug.  I grab the flowers, smelling them briefly before placing them on the nearest surface.  Dragging my boyfriend into the apartment I slam the door and jump into his arms, kissing him deeply.

“Take me to my bedroom, Mr. Finley. We need to say goodbye properly.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he replies with a chuckle, supporting my backside with his strong hands as he ambles confidently to my bed.  I weave my hands through his silky dark hair as he lays me down across the plum colored comforter.  His lips find my ears, my neck, and finally my mouth.  I part my lips, welcoming him as he greedily thrusts his tongue in and out at a feverish pace before pulling away abruptly.  He lifts his head and stares into my eyes, startling me to my core.  He tilts his head slightly and brushes my hair from my eyes ever so gently.

“I love you, sweetheart.  I love you more than I can ever express.”

“I love you, too.” Still startled, I stroke his hair gently, trying to relieve the obvious pain he is in.  His concern is plastered across his furrowed brow, his suddenly pink cheeks, and his growing pupils.

“I can’t bear the thought of being away from you.”

“I know, honey. I know,” I say softly, “I’m not going anywhere.  I’ll be right here when you get back.”

“Do you have any idea how adorable you are?   Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

“What do I do to you?” I purr seductively. “Tell me, Tanner.” I stroke his cheek gently with my index finger in a way that makes him shudder.  He closes his eyes briefly before responding.

“You make me lose control in the best possible way.  You bring out the best in me, you make me feel things in a way I never imagined.”

“Are you saying I’m
that
good in bed?  Wow, I never knew I was so talented,” I tease, raising an eyebrow.

“And that,” he says, pointing his finger at my forehead, “Your sense of humor, it’s maddening and yet so brilliant. You are constantly making me laugh.  You always know what to say to make me laugh, to ease my tension, to make me fall deeper and deeper in love with you.”

“Tanner, you make me so incredibly happy.  I know that I joke around a lot, and maybe that’s just me avoiding uncomfortable moments. But, never, ever mistake my humor for a lack of feeling.  You’re marvelous and sexy and wonderful and I’m so lucky to have found you.  Now will you please, please make love to me because at this rate, you’ll be walking out my door and I’ll be left completely unsatisfied, if you know what I mean,” I say with as straight a face as I can manage.

“Gladly, sweetheart,” Tanner says as he leisurely removes my tank top and traces my ribs with his fingertips, teasing me with each movement.  I’m aching for his lips and desperate for our dance that makes my skin go numb and my heart explode again and again.  But, he’s taking his time.  He leans down and plants tiny kisses just below my belly button tickling my hot skin.  A distressed groan leaves my mouth as I can hardly bear the torture of his lips grazing my torso.

“Please, Tanner, now,” I pant, desperation filling my hoarse voice.  Tanner quickly sheds his clothes, leans up on his elbows and enters me. All at once I am full, full of Tanner and full of desire.  Our love making is slow as we savor every last movement, every last kiss and every single toe-tingling touch.  It will be four weeks until we’re able to make love again; to kiss and hold one another as we drift off to sleep.

The next morning, my emotions get the best of me as I watch Tanner slumber soundly in my bed.  My eyes well with tears as I try to imagine the next month without him beside me, without feeling his soft kisses, without touching his silky hair.  It is overwhelming; the thought of saying goodbye.  My pillow is unable to contain my sobs and I feel Tanner’s arm wrap around my stomach as he pulls me close to him.

“Shhhhh, sweetheart.  It’s going to be okay,” Instead of calming down, my sobs grow louder, more intense.  I’m terrified to watch him walk out that door, terrified of what the separation could do to us, terrified of losing someone else who I’m hopelessly in love with.  I can’t tell Tanner that I had horrible dreams last night; dreams of his plane crashing, dreams of him being hit by a crazy taxi driver in
Japan
, dreams of him never coming back to me. 

Eventually, I’m able to compose myself and the time comes to say farewell to Tanner.  “I’ll text you as soon as I can so you’ll know when I’ve arrived in
Tokyo
,” he says, holding my hands in his as we stand next to his car.  It’s a thirteen-hour flight, though, so you won’t see it until tomorrow.  Try not to worry, alright?” 

Reluctantly, I nod with a forced smile so that Tanner will not be troubled by my anxiety.  He pulls me in for one last, deep, delightful kiss and I melt into his arms, clutching his shirt so tight I can feel my knuckles growing pale.  Watching him drive away, I climb the steps to my apartment and hope to God that the next four weeks go by quickly.

Distance

His lips press firmly against my neck. His hot tongue draws a line up to the nape of my hair.  His fingers slide gracefully down my back as I clutch my pillow in anticipation of his next move.  His hand cups my backside and he presses and holds my skin firmly in his hand.  I squirm.  His tongue flicks my shoulder blades, my spine, and finally the small of my back as he makes his way lower, lower and lower still. 

Excitement builds in every square inch of my body as I ache for him.  When I can’t take one more moment of anticipation of his kiss, I turn to face the man in my bed.  But, something is wrong.  His brown hair is now a sandy blond.  His speckled eyes have been replaced with emerald green.  And his sweet, endearing smile, the one that makes me feel like I don’t have a care in the world, has been replaced with a cocky, arched grin.

“Hey Puddin’” my companion says. 

“Stop,” I yell at myself.  But, it is too late.  I am his.  I stare into his green eyes before pressing my hungry mouth to his.  I have ached, yearned for his touch and I can no longer deny it, no longer deny the love, the desire, the attraction I still feel...for him.

I wake from my dream, sobbing that Mayson has left me once again and it takes me several excruciating moments before I’m able to return to reality.  Mayson is gone and Tanner, although across an ocean, is the one who owns my heart.

“It was only a dream,” I say to myself between sobs.  Disgust fills my brain.  How could I be dreaming of him once again?  I thought I was over him.  I thought I had moved on, I thought...I thought a lot of things.

Pulling myself together, I glance at the clock.  It’s 3:00 am, which means it is 6:00pm in
Japan
and Tanner is most certainly still awake.  He has been in
Tokyo
for two weeks now and it has been close to unbearable.  Cell service will not work, so text messages are impossible.  E-mail has been our main form of communication as our hopes of daily Skyping were dashed when he began working twelve-hour days.  But, this was my chance; this was my opportunity to reach him. I could only hope he was in his hotel room.

Quickly, I splash some cold water on my face, doing my best to hide the redness in my blotched cheeks.  Turning on my laptop, I quickly open the Skype application and dial his email address.  After several minutes of empty ringing, I give up. Instead, I will send an email.  Defeated, I finish my message to Tanner and crawl back into bed.  I need him right now and he isn’t here.  He isn’t able to ease my fears.  He isn’t able to chase Mayson from my subconscious or from my dreams.  After an hour of tossing and turning, I’m somehow able to fall into a troubled sleep.

Several days later, I arrive home after a grueling day with my students.  I was not my normal patient self with them and I feel terrible about it. My mood has been quite sour since the night I dreamed of Mayson.  Each spare moment I have, I find my mind drifting to him and to the dream.  I am angry with myself for allowing him back into my mind and into my heart.

The phone is ringing as I enter my apartment.  Quickly, I grab the phone without glancing at the caller ID.

“Hello?” I ask, out of breath.

“Daphne, honey, it’s Cece.”  Nerves throughout my body flare as I’m not sure she is the person I can handle speaking to today.

“Hey, Cece.  How are you?” I rally myself enough; she does not seem to notice my hesitancy in speaking with her.

“I’m doing pretty well, Daphne.  I was thinking of you this afternoon.  You popped into my head and I wanted to say hello.  How is work?”

“Well, today wasn’t the best.  My students were a bit squirrelly and I’m afraid I didn’t handle it as I should have.  I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that, dear.  Is anything the matter?”  I can’t.  I can’t tell Cece that I’m dreaming of her son.  And I certainly can’t tell her why it has me so upset.  She knows nothing of Tanner.  I’m too cowardly to share for fear of hurting her and threatening our friendship.

“No.  I think it’s just beginning of the school year stuff, nothing major.”

“Well, that’s good.  I started taking pottery classes.  It’s been a really good stress reliever for me, so therapeutic.  You might need an outlet like that, honey.  Teaching is a really stressful profession.  You deserve to unwind, take it easy.”

“I’m thinking of treating myself to a massage,” I sigh.

“Great idea, dear.  I think it would do you good.”

“Enough about me, Cece.  How are things with you?  How is your husband doing?”  Cece groans a bit into the phone.

“Ah, well, Jack is still struggling, Daphne.  Mayson was his world.  Getting him to talk to me has been a challenge, especially about his son.”

“He’s trying to be strong for you.”

“I know, but it is maddening at times.  I know everyone grieves differently, but I wish he would still talk about Mayson.  He acts as if he never existed.  And when I want to talk about him, to remember the good stuff, he shuts down.  And then I feel guilty.  It’s a vicious circle.”  She pauses, taking a deep breath and sighing into the phone, “I shouldn’t be putting this on your shoulders, Daphne.  I’m sorry.  You lost him, as well.”