Bound to Secrets (9 page)

She forced a weak smile. “If you’re trying to convince me, you’re doing a crap job.”

“I don’t want you to think this is the easy path. You need to consider the choices.”

“I have choices?”

“You can stay here for now. Later, we’ll set up somewhere similar but away from so many people. And maybe a bit nicer. We can continue to research, we might eventually come up with an answer.”

It would still be a prison though. She thought about a lifetime in a tiny room, the years passing, and the hope gradually fading to nothing.

“Or you could return to Scotland.”

For a moment, she was filled with the need to be out on the wide open moors. To feel the rain on her face.

“We won’t abandon you. You won’t be alone. We’ll set up some system where we can keep in contact, provide you with food…whatever you need.”

But she knew she couldn’t go back to her old life. The thought of the loneliness, of living with the fear the Agency would find her. Or that she would inadvertently kill some unsuspecting stranger.

“You haven’t mentioned one choice,” she said.

“What’s that?” Sebastian asked.

“You could put me down like the Agency planned to do all those years ago.”

A low growl came from Connor and she forced herself to stare into his dark eyes. Even as a wolf, she was able to read his emotions so clearly. He was pissed off.

“Maybe it would have been better,” she said. “My mother might be still alive.”

He nipped her hand.

“Ow.”

Sebastian leaned back in his chair, his eyes narrowed, lips pursed. “I can see why Connor likes you now—no doubt you wallow in self-pity together.” Then he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’ve done my share of wallowing, but in the end, it does no good. You have to decide if you want to survive. But I think you did that a long time ago.”

He was right. Even at her darkest moments, she hadn’t wanted to die.

“What does Connor think?” she asked. He’d been so against even the idea of her becoming like him.

“Connor wants you to survive.”

He licked her hand.

“You know,” Sebastian said. “I think you saved Connor’s life.”

The wolf snarled revealing a sharp white fang. Sebastian ignored him.

“I did?”

“When I sent him to Scotland, he was bordering on suicidal. I don’t think he would have killed himself but he was searching for a way out, and for a werewolf there’s always a violent way to die if you want it enough. But he’s changed and I think that’s because of you. You’ve given him a reason to go on. Made him see his wolf as something that can do good, instead of only evil.”

Keira hated to think of Connor in so much pain. But she had felt it herself that first day on the moors. It had been what drew her to him. What would happen to him if she did this and failed? Would he go back to being angry at the world? But if she didn’t attempt it, would he feel the need to stay with her? Tie himself to the pathetic sort of life, which was all she would ever have. Come and sleep with her each night as a wolf. Never to talk. Never to hold each other. Never to make love.

She stroked his head absentmindedly while she considered her “choices”. But inside her, a wild exhilaration was awakening. She tried to make herself concentrate on the risks. One in ten didn’t sound like good odds. And what if she went insane? But then that might happen anyway—who knew what was going on in her head?

Or what if she allowed herself to hope and nothing changed?

Still, the little spark wouldn’t die. Instead, it burned brighter. If she did this, she’d finally be part of something. Have a family. Maybe even see where this thing with Connor would take them. But what if he hated all werewolves? Would he also hate her if she changed?

She thought about asking, but he’d hardly be likely to tell her the truth. Instead, she turned to Sebastian. “What would
you
do?”

“I’d go for it. And I know Anya and Tasha feel the same.”

“You’ve discussed it?”

“We have, but we didn’t want to bring it up until Connor reached the same conclusion on his own.”

“What if he never did?”

“Then sooner or later we would have offered you the opportunity anyway.”

Keira closed her eyes for a moment and searched deep inside her mind. Yes, she was scared. But she wanted this so much it was like an ache in her heart.

She blinked. “I’ll do it.”

Sebastian released his breath and she realized he’d been in no way sure of her answer. Connor nipped her again and she took his face between her hands and kissed the top of his head. Then drew in a deep breath. “Though I’m not entirely sure what ‘it’ is. How does this work?”

“Usually a person is attacked, maybe by a rogue wolf or in Tasha’s case a wolf was paid to attack her.”

“Really? Why?”

“The Agency wanted her out of the way, but they also liked the idea of a werewolf to study.”

“What about Anya?”

“I changed Anya. It was the only way to save her life after the Agency poisoned her.”

“You attacked her?”

“I bit her.”

She looked at him. Sebastian was gorgeous, tall and lean with blond hair down to his shoulders and the wickedest blue eyes she had ever seen. He had an easy way about him, relaxed and laidback, which no doubt hid what he really was—a powerful alpha werewolf. But despite him being stunning, she wasn’t sure she wanted him that close. “Would you bite me?”

A low growl came from Connor and Sebastian grinned. “I think I’ll leave the biting to someone else. But make no mistake—this is going to hurt. It’s not exactly a scientific process, but for the best chance, I reckon the wound needs to be pretty severe. Are you sure you can you do that?”

The question was aimed at Connor. He nodded his huge head though she sensed he wasn’t happy. She peeked at his teeth and realized they would have to sink into her flesh, draw blood… she shivered.

Sebastian must have seen her reaction. “We could drug you, I suppose. I doubt that would interfere.”

“Did you drug Anya?”

“No, but she was so close to death, she wasn’t aware of what was going on.”

Keira shook her head. “I’ve been drugged before. I don’t want that.”

He shrugged, but appeared pleased by her answer. “It usually takes about a week to recover from the wound—if you do recover.”

“And if I don’t? How long will I have?”

“You’ll be dead within days. If you’re lucky.”

Keira decided not to go there. “Then what? Then I’ll be a wolf, be able to change?”

Sebastian stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets. “There’s one more thing you need to do.”

Why did he seem uncomfortable? What was worse than being bitten by a wolf?”

“You have to have sex,” he said.

For a few seconds, she thought she’d misheard. “Sex?”

“You won’t shift until you’ve had sexual intercourse. And you won’t heal until you shift.”

“So I have to have sex?”

He nodded.

“With another werewolf?” She glanced at Connor and he licked her hand. But how could she? She had almost killed him last time. She’d melted the implant. Nearly melted his brain.

“No,” Sebastian replied. “It doesn’t have to be a werewolf. One of the vamps could do it.”

Connor growled.

“She needs to know the options,” Sebastian said to him. “If this works you’ll have plenty of time to do what you like. But not if you’re dead.”

Connor tugged away from her and went to stand in front of Sebastian. He growled some more.

Sebastian sighed. “Yeah, I’ll tell her.”

“Tell me what?”

His lips quirked. “That if you have sex with one of those blood sucking leeches, Connor will rip their throat out.”

Relief washed through her. She so did not want to have sex with a scary vampire. She wanted to make love with Connor. But right now, he couldn’t even be in the same room as her without shifting so she wasn’t sure how they were going to accomplish the deed.

She glanced from the wolf to Sebastian as a horrible thought occurred to her. “Hey, it has to be with a human, right?”

Sebastian’s lips quirked again. She was glad
he
was finding this amusing.

“Yeah, it has to be with a human or in human form.”

“Well, that’s a relief.” She chewed on her lower lip then shrugged helplessly. “So, how…”

“He’s going to have another implant.”

“Is that safe?” She knew if it had been totally safe then he would have done it by now. So obviously not.

Sebastian didn’t meet her eyes. “Connor reckons he can be careful.”

“Whatever that means,” she muttered.

Careful she didn’t enjoy herself too much, she reckoned. She had a flashback to the feel of his warm mouth between her thighs, his tongue stroking her. She squirmed as she relived the moment she had come apart and then everything had gone to hell.

Perhaps
not
enjoying herself might not be such a big issue. Her insides shriveled up at the memory. Her pleasure centers locking down. It made her sad in a way. But if this worked then it would be worth some sacrifice.

“When? When do we do this?”

Sebastian glanced from her to Connor and back again. “Why not now?”

Chapter Nine

“Why not?” she murmured as the door closed behind Sebastian.

Actually, she could think of a whole load of very good reasons. Starting with—she was scared.

Glancing down, she caught Connor’s dark gaze. She wondered how much persuasion it had taken Sebastian to get him this far. And how badly her brain was messed up. Pretty bad, she reckoned if Connor had agreed to try and change her. He would have explored every other possibility before they had come to this.

“Is it so bad being a wolf?” she asked.

He didn’t answer, but turned away and paced the room. It took him two steps to reach the wall and he swiveled and came back. She could see the frustration in his eyes, and the fear. He was scared as well. She just wasn’t sure what he feared. That they would fail or that they’d succeed.

No, she wasn’t being fair. He wanted her to live. That he would even consider doing this was a testament to how much. She crouched down and took his face between her hands.

“Whatever happens, thank you for finding me, trying to help me. It means so much.”

He nodded.

How the hell did they do this? Should she just stand and wait? Would he leap at her?

He padded to the bed.

“Where?” she asked.

He tilted his head to the bed. She gave a sigh. “I mean where will you bite me?”

His dark gaze wandered down over her body, then up again to settle on the spot where her neck met her shoulder. She winced as if she could already feel his teeth sinking into her flesh. Then she dragged her T-shirt over her head. She’d better do this quickly before she lost her nerve. Tossing the shirt on the chair, she shuffled closer to the bed.

She knew all about pain. She occasionally suffered almost blinding headaches. How much worse could this be?

Time to find out.

She lay down, and then came up on one elbow. “Hey, is this going to be messy?”

He nodded.

“Maybe, I should get a towel or something.”

He shook his head then leapt lightly onto the bed beside her.

Keira could hear the thud of her heart and feel the blood pulsing through her veins. A light sweat broke out on her skin.

I can do this. I can do this.

Connor inched up the bed on his belly until his hot breath fanned across her bare shoulder.

Every one of her muscles locked up tight, anticipating the pain.

“Maybe those drugs weren’t such a bad idea,” she muttered.

Connor raised his head and backed off slightly, a question clear in his eyes.

“I’m kidding,” she said and took a deep breath. “I think. Just do it.”

And she closed her eyes tight.

She heard the crunch of bone before she felt the pain like a delayed reaction. Her lids flew open as blood sprayed from the wound and splashed across the white sheets and grey walls.

So much blood.

Then the pain came, washing over her in a tidal wave of red hot fire. It drove every thought from her mind leaving her with nothing but the teeth tearing at her flesh, the thick heavy stench of blood filling her nostrils. Her back arched and she screamed.

She hadn’t meant to fight back, but she couldn’t help herself, her hands clawing at the great beast, her legs kicking out.

The pain built inside her, until she knew something had to give. Behind her closed lids, great flashes of red and black played across her mind. The darkness was coming for her, closing on her, and she welcomed it as an end to the pain.

She was dying.

She’d failed.

And she wanted to tell Connor it wasn’t his fault.

***

Connor released his grip and backed away. He jumped off the bed and stood, head hanging low. Then he willed the change to come over him. Finally, he stood over her. Her shoulder was a mangled mess and the room looked like an abattoir. For once, the scent and sight of blood didn’t arouse his hunger.

She was unconscious and he was glad. He’d nearly failed at the last minute when she’d screamed and he’d known how much he was hurting her. Instead, he had closed his ears to the sound and did what he had to do.

He spat and then swallowed the nausea rising up in his throat.

Leaning down, he felt the pulse in her throat, it was way too fast, but still strong, and some of the tension seeped from him.

He went to the small bathroom and threw up, then rinsed his face. He had to get himself together. He was a doctor. Time to behave like one.

He found Sebastian in the outer room and ignored his expression of pity as he dragged on his clothes. Sebastian nodded toward the doctor’s bag on the floor beside him.

“Clean the wound but don’t try and close it or cover it. If she’s going to come through this, then it will heal itself.”

“How long until we know?”

“It varies. All we can do is keep her comfortable. Also, I’ve arranged for the implant. Go up to the medical center when you’ve seen to her.”

Connor nodded absently, picked up the bag, and turned back.