Boston Boys [01] - A Life Without You (5 page)

Eric rolls his eyes and sits back in his seat, huffing out a breath.

Eric is gay, too. Although he lives downstairs from us, I didn’t run into him until after I’d lived with Jesse for two weeks, though I’d seen him in class since he’s majoring in English as well. There was no one else in the living room when he dropped down on a couch and started talking to me.

“So, you’re gay.” He crossed one black-pleathered leg over the other, his blue eyes enhanced by the blue button-down shirt he wore.

“Yeah, how’d you know?” I asked, focusing back on my book.

“I see how you drool after your roommate.” A Life Without You
31

I turned a page. “I didn’t know I was being so obvious.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s blindingly obvious, more like that it takes one to know one. You know, gaydar.”

Seriously? Did he just say gaydar?

“I’m Eric,” he said when I didn’t respond. “I’ve been out two years. You?”

“I was never in the closet,” I mumbled, thinking that I knew exactly his type. The type who thinks that just because he’s gay and I’m gay, we’ll end up humping.

But I was wrong. Although Eric pestered me until I agreed to be his study buddy, he hasn’t made a single move. I’ve seen at least three different guys leave his room, so I know he’s active.

It’s not surprising, because he’s quite the looker even though he’s not my type. He also has this outgoing personality that I admire.

Although he was the one who got me that kiss with Jesse at the party, he badgers me about giving up on my roommate. He knows that nothing more has happened since then and he keeps trying to hook me up with one of his friends.

§ § § §

“You’re not gonna drag me into a bookshop again are you?” Jesse asks and pops a bit of cinnamon pretzel into his mouth.

“I mean, we have a library back at school, so what’s the point of wasting money on books?”

“The novels they have there are ancient. Everything else is just school books.”

You wouldn’t guess that Jesse’s an athlete by the contents of his shopping bags: mini-bags of potato chips, countless chocolate bars, cans of soda, and several bags of marshmallows. I’m not so innocent myself, but at least I have some fruit as well; fruit that Jesse will help himself to when he gets sick of candy-binging, which is why I always buy extra.

“We should probably go get some real food, though,” says Jesse.

His puckered lips kiss his water bottle, Adam’s apple bobbing
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up and down as he swallows the liquid. I seem to have the same excessive salvia problem every time I watch him consume food or drink. He probably knows that I’m watching, but I can’t help myself. He does look a little embarrassed though when he puts the bottle down and clears his throat, just like almost every other time he catches me gazing.

“I’m tired of ramen, we should find some other instant food.”

“But we’ve already bought a week’s supply of ramen,” I note, gesturing with my head at all the bags around our table and chairs.

“What else is there that doesn’t involve cleaning pots, pans, and plates afterwards? Instant soup?”

Jesse grimaces. “Soup isn’t food.”

Then there’s this awkward silence again. The more I stare at him the more embarrassed he becomes. As a result, the open communication we used to have has been slowly closing over the past two weeks. Jesse still seems to be trying a little too hard to be okay with everything, but it’s not as if I’m helping with all my spacing out whenever he’s around. He still sleeps naked, but he’s not flaunting his nakedness as freely as he did before.

It’s just undress-and-under-the-cover now. He’ll have taken care of the bathroom stuff before. I try to help by not looking, but whenever I see his privates or that taut ass of his…

“So I’ve been meaning to ask, but I don’t know how to say it exactly,” Jesse says, scratching the back of his head.

I try to force the stiffness in my pants to relax. “Just say it.

Whatever it is, I can take it.”

Jesse smiles again, wipes his chin, opens his sexy mouth to talk but nothing comes out. It’s been like this for the past week whenever he wants to talk about something gay-related. It’s hard for him to start, but once we get going, he blabbers away with honest curiosity.

“Does it have anything to do with me being gay?” I ask.

“Ah, no. Or yes. I mean, when I woke up next to you, what you said…”

A Life Without You
33

“About you fucking me?”

Jesse’s face flushes and he rubs the back of his long, gorgeous neck. He’s looking anywhere but at me. “No, the other thing.”

“Me fucking you?” There’s laughter rolling up in my stomach, but I force it back. He’s just too cute right now. And this is the kind of a conversation I thought we’d never have. I mean, he asks a lot of questions, but he never goes back to that morning and almost never asks about the specifics of gay sex.

“Yeah, I mean, is it really possible for a man to… without touching, you know…”

“The winkie,” I help.

Jesse hunches over with a snort.

I’m struggling with an internal battle – to tease or not to tease.

“Why? Do you want to find out?” I follow up with a smirk.

Jesse’s tawny eyes widen as his smile fades, but at least he’s looking at me now. “NO. I mean, no, that’s not what I mean. I’ve just been thinking about it –”

“You have?” I tease.

Jesse shakes his head, flush-faced. “Erm, not like that. I mean, I’m just curious. It’s just that I was once forced to watch gay porn and all the guys had limp dicks while being, you know…”

“Fucked?”

“Yeah, but can you stop using that word? It’s so blunt.”

“You say ‘fuck’ all the time,” I point out. I’m having the toughest time keeping a straight face.

“Yeah, but let’s not use that word right now.” I clamp down my lips to force back a smile. “It is possible,” I say after a minute, “but it’s not really common. Some guys find it too painful, so they don’t do it at all, but some get used to it and like it a lot. Some like it right away.” I lean forwards on the table.

“See, there’s this thing called a prostate –”

“Yeah, I know all about that,” Jesse interrupts. “I’m studying PT, remember?”

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“Have you ever tried to find yours?” I ask seriously for once.

The idea of Jesse with a finger up his–

“My prostate? No, I’m not sticking a finger up there.”

“Want me to?” I say, diving back into teasing.

“No,” Jesse answers calmly, blushing even deeper. “No thank you. D-do you
know
how to find it?” he adds after a pause.

“I bet I could find yours in a matter of seconds.”

“Uh, yeah, well,” Jesse mutters, the cute rosy color in his cheeks spreading to his ears. “It’s just that they all had limp dicks…”

I twist my lips downwards to try to stay serious. “Why were you forced to watch gay porn?”

The change in Jesse’s features catches me by surprise. His eyebrows meet in the middle and his shoulders go ridged. “That’s not important. Look, just forget it.”

I grab his bare arm when he stands up from the table. His skin is hot and soft. He stares wildly at my hand on his arm.

“It’s just skin, Jesse,” I say calmly. “Look, I’m sorry. Just sit down again.”

Jesse thins his lips. “Let’s just walk back, alright?” The look of innocent curiosity has been replaced by something so serious that I can’t figure out. He grabs some bags and walks down the mall, shoulders stiff, ass taut.

“Well,” I say after I catch up with a bunch of bags of my own.

“The reason why the guys in the porn movies are usually limp is because, a) they already came within the first twenty minutes of shooting, b) there are a bunch of people in the room working with cameras and directing, so they’re not relaxed enough to enjoy it, or c) they’re straight.”

“Straight? Like not gay?”

“Yeah, that’s usually the definition of being straight.” We exit the mall and head towards campus. The weather is still warm, but there’s a little chill in the air even though it’s still A Life Without You
35

daytime.

He glances at me. “Why would a straight guy have sex with another guy?”

God. Could it be that Jesse’s thinking about experimenting?

With me? This realization has my chest flooded with tingles and my heart speeding. I know I’m setting myself up for another disappointment, just like with the whole bi thing. I also know it would be hard for me to be with him and then not be with him again because he’s straight, but I’d do it in a heartbeat. That memory of us masturbating together on opposite sides of the bathroom wall keeps flashing in my mind.

I clear my throat. “Well, some of them do it for the money, and some just do it out of curiosity, I guess.” There. A hint. A question. Are you curious enough to have sex with me?

Jesse’s silent. He’s thinking. I can see it in the way he stares at the pavement in front of him, his eyes flickering about. My heart thumps in my chest so hard that I feel it might combust. If the stiffness in my pants doesn’t explode first. Why do I even wear jeans? It’s not exactly comfortable when you get a hard-on.

I notice that I’ve been holding my breath when Jesse looks me in the eye. “Is it really painful?”

God, is he really asking me this? Why would he ask this if he wasn’t…

“Being fu- taken from behind?” I ask.

He smiles at my correction.

“Well, yes, at least for me. Of course I was a little too young when I did it the first time and I don’t think my body was ready for it. I haven’t really tried it for a couple of years, so…” How can I add that he’d only have to say the word and I’d let him fuck me, no matter the pain? The idea of having Jesse inside me is just…

“How old were you?”

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“Almost fifteen.”

My answers are on auto pilot. Jesse’s curious. If he and I were back in the dorm now, and I’d lean in to kiss him, would he pull back? Does he want to fuck me?

“How old was the other guy?”

“Fifteen too,” I say with a half-baked smile. “I wasn’t abused, if that’s what you’re thinking. We were both curious so he let me blow him and afterwards I wanted to go further, so I let him fu-have sex with me.”

Jesse’s eyebrows rise. “That’s a little unfair, isn’t it? I mean, you doing all the work and receiving all the pain?”

“Not when I was too horny to care.”

Jesse’s cheeks take on an instant color of fuchia.

“What, I’m not allowed to say ‘horny’ either?” He acts like he doesn’t hear the question. “And you’ve done it a few times and you still didn’t get used to it?” I nod. His cheeks are still flushed and I love how he can be open one minute and then shy as a school-boy the next.

“Then have you, you know, ever made someone come while having sex without anyone touching his…” We stop walking just before reaching campus. “Okay, we’re not talking about this anymore if you don’t stop laughing.”

“I’m not laughing!”

“Yes you are. You’ve been trying not to ever since the mall, but it’s right there on your face.” He points at my eyes with his finger. He’s also standing so close that I feel the heat from his body mixing with mine. He must realize just how close we’re standing because he drops his hand with widening eyes and takes a measured step backwards.

“Okay, I’m sorry. No, I haven’t made anyone come like that, but my ex really liked being fu- being taken from behind, and I just jerked him off until he came with me still inside. Like I said, it’s not that common without outside stimulation.” A Life Without You
37

Jesse’s shoulders stiffen as a couple of guys walk past us.

We stride back to the dorm and Jesse looks almost angry in his silence. I don’t understand it.

Keeping food in the Box is no good, because someone will just come around and eat it, so Jesse loads a shelf in our room right next to our mini-fridge while I head straight for the bathroom to check on my throbbing penis. It hasn’t softened the slightest. A half-silent moan slides out of my mouth when I fix it, the cut cockhead pleading for attention from the waistband of my wet briefs. I splash my face with cold water and rest my palms on the sink.

Jesse’s questions – his curiosity – are driving me crazy. I’ve been holding things back for his sake, but now that I’m by myself my whole body yearns for him and our conversation washes over me. I lean against the sink, taking one hot breath at a time, waiting for my body to stop burning.

But it doesn’t. I can’t get my mind off Jesse’s kiss, or the touch of his thigh against mine, or me kissing the soft skin on his neck, or my hold on his wrist earlier. I want him so bad I’m going nuts.

I touch my cockhead with the tip of my thumb and spread the precome over it. With closed eyes I imagine it’s Jesse’s finger and slide my hand down over the length in my briefs. I’m about to push down my unbuttoned jeans when Jesse knocks.

“Adam are you okay? I’m sorry about all those questions. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m fine,” I answer, my voice streaked with lust. I push myself away from the sink and turn on the shower. He probably won’t hear me jacking off if he’s not leaning too close to the wall.

When I finish showering and exit the bathroom, he smiles weakly and clears his throat with his knuckle against his sexy lips.

Maybe he heard me after all. I didn’t call out his name, did I?

He hesitates a little, but then starts talking about the party he’s taking me to in a few hours. We won’t have to go far, just down the stairs and maybe outside if it gets too crowded and people start spilling out. I’ve never been one for socializing, I’m just
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doing this to be close to Jesse. The one good thing about him having a girlfriend already is that I won’t have to watch him flirt and make out with college girls.

Jesse showers too while I start on Monday’s assignment so it’ll be ready for Eric to read before class. Jesse’s phone jingles and I snatch it up, answering without looking at the number though if my brain was attached to the outside world I would have recognized the tune.