Boss Lady (29 page)

I said, “Well, what about you? Would you rather be Felicia or Malika, and be satisfied with your position as the supportive wife of a handsome and brilliant man, or be the free-to-roam, rich and famous, but never satisfied Tracy Ellison Grant that you are now?”

My cousin stared at me again and began to chuckle.

She said, “So you got it all broken down, hunh, little cousin?”

“That's what you brought me here to do, right? You want me to analyze things so you're not just looking at them from your own perspective. Well, when you go back to the past, you have to confront these issues.”

“Well, let me read you for a minute,” she commented.

I said, “Go ahead. Be my guest.”

“Okay, well, you really think that you're smarter than all of us. And you're sitting back gathering your information to write your own book. In the meantime, you're not trying to get caught up in anything, but you can't help that, because life won't allow you to be a simple spectator.”

I grinned. She was about right, but I couldn't admit to it. I said, “But without you allowing me in, I'm just a nobody with nothing to say and no one to listen to me.”

Tracy said, “Oh, they're gonna listen to you all right. You'll be holding the keys to the castle before it's over with. I just wonder what young man is gonna get your nose wide open.”

I hated to admit it, but after hanging out with Tracy and her older friends, I doubted if I would ever fall for a young man. I was really feeling the straight logic of older men. I could clearly see their goals in life. They no longer wore the mask of bullshit. Older men told you exactly what they wanted or didn't want, and it was up to you to accept it or not.

I said, “Do you think Felicia is wrong for making the choice she
made?” I was asking my cousin for myself as well. Not that I would choose to be with Qadeer or Bruce, but just with an older man in general, who may have already had someone, and who had lived a fuller life with more to give than to take from me.

As we approached my house in North Philadelphia in our limo ride, Tracy nodded to me with her answer.

She said, “You know when the girl said she admired me?”

“Felicia,” I reminded her.

“Yeah, well, you girls are really figuring things out. And what she was really saying is that she admires herself for trusting in him. She went ahead and threw up her hands for that man, just like I threw up my hands for my career. And she's being courageous enough to let the pieces fall where they may, just like I was with my career in Hollywood. And here I am again, jumping full-fledged into the fire with my ideas. But will I do the same for a man? No. Not even for Victor. So she admires me for having the courage to be who I'm going to be, and herself for being who she's gonna be.

“I mean, we all are different,” Tracy concluded. “And we all have to live with who we are and accept ourselves.”

She said, “I'm a single woman, Vanessa. I'm a free woman. And I may not like it all the time, but this is who I am . . . until further notice.”

*  *  *

I wondered how long a woman could remain single with no children. My cousin was still getting her groove on whenever she needed to, but how badly did she miss real love, marriage, and kids? I also wondered how long I could remain a virgin. Nineteen wasn't that old to start. I was still officially a teenager until my twentieth birthday, so I still had time to ponder. Nevertheless, some people were already beginning to look at me funny for not having a man. Especially since I was considered attractive. I walked up the front steps to my family's North Philadelphia home with that thought in mind and rang the doorbell.

I heard Veronica approach the door. My mother was not home from work yet, and Tiffany would have approached it with more energy—and my guess was right.

Veronica looked through the peephole and said, “Speak of the devil.”

I shook my head. It seemed as if everybody was saying that. Were we all devils in our own ways?

Anyway, my sister opened the door and let me in, wearing some extra-tight low-rider jeans that showed off her assets from behind.

“Jesus Christ, can you even breathe in those things?” I asked her.

“Can you breathe in your head?” she asked me back.

I faked dizziness just to humor her.

“Oh, I need brain oxygen. It's not enough room left in my head.”

Veronica stopped and stared at me. “Stupid.”

She was about my height, but at least twenty pounds thicker, browner, and a lot more jaded in her attitude.

I said, “So let me see a picture of this guy Mommy caught you with.”

I walked over to sit down on the sofa that had been in our living room for years. Not much had changed in the house, it was just a lot cleaner and more organized when I was still there. Now they had magazines and throw pillows all over the floors and tables, with dust over all of the shelves and pictures, and half-swept dirt on the floors. My sisters just couldn't see dirt like I could, I guess. They needed to have their eyes checked.

Veronica said, “I don't have any pictures of him.”

“Does he have pictures of you?” I asked her.

“For what, he knows what I look like?”

Tiffany bounced down the steps carrying all of her balls of energy before I could respond.

“Vanessa, is that you?” she called before she set her eyes on me.

“No, it's the Easter Bunny,” I joked.

“Yeah, that sounds like your corny ass,” she told me.

I didn't care if they felt I was corny. I was just happy to be there with them. And I was still their big sister . . . no matter what.

Tiffany had already grown taller than all of us, and she was still gangly. But even she had some tight jeans on.

“I guess ass-hugging jeans are in now,” I commented.

She asked me, “What they wearing in California? Because low-riders have been in.”

I pulled out Flyy Girl Ltd. shirts and hats that I had saved just for my sisters.

“Well, I got the new hookup,” I told them.

Tiffany grabbed the gear and gave it a better look.

“Oh, snap, I'm wearing this tomorrow. That's Tracy on the logo?”

“Yeah.”

She grinned and said, “Now that's flyy.” Then she put on the rust-colored hat and pulled her ponytail out of the hole in the back.

“Oh, shit, it's a perfect fit.”

I was pleased that my sister liked it. So far so good. Flyy Girl Ltd. was passing the urban-girl cool test.

Veronica held hers up. I had saved the blue for her.

She said, “So now she's gonna have everybody wearing her flyy girl stuff? For what?”

“Because it's flyy, bitch,” Tiffany snapped at her.

Veronica rushed over to her in the room and said, “Tiffany, you're gonna call me one more bitch and I'm gonna pull that damn ponytail out your head.”

Tiffany scrambled out of the way and to the other side of the room.

“You just mad because you can't grow one. Not a real one, anyway. So blame it on your nappy-headed daddy.”

Veronica said, “Fuck you and your skinny-ass father. At least mine ain't on life support from a crack addiction.”

Tiffany said, “Your father can't afford crack. Now you know that's messed up. You ain't even got a pair of clean socks to sell. Damn, all you gotta do is steal some from Kmart.”

Nothing had changed at home. That was the kind of stuff I used to ignore to finish my homework. But now I was only visiting.

I said, “What's wrong with having our own Flyy Girl line of clothing? You wear Rocawear and Baby Phat, don't you?”

“Ecko design,” Tiffany stated.

Veronica said, “What do you mean, ‘our own line of Flyy Girl clothes'? Are you part owner?”

I thought about it and answered, “Yes.” Tracy did tell me to name my cut, and I planned to hold her to it, too.

“So, she put you down with her own clothing line? And all of those girls my friends saw you with on South Street are her models?” Veronica asked me.

I had to be careful with that. I needed to see where she was going with the information. Maybe I had put my foot in my mouth already.

Tiffany said, “Can I be a model?” She wanted to be everything.

I was more concerned with Veronica at the moment.

“So, she hooked you up, hunh?” Veronica stated. “She don't even talk to us. It's like we don't even exist. But she hooked you up, though.”

There it was. Finally. Veronica was letting me in on my assumptions. She was envious of me.

I looked at Tiffany and asked her, “Do you feel the same way?”

She said, “What, like you gettin' all the breaks? I keep telling you, man, in a couple more years, I'ma punch Mom in her face, too, and get me some breaks.”

Veronica said, “Yeah, a broken foot up in your ass. You better stop talking that crazy shit.”

I said, “So, you really do talk about this all the time then.”

Tiffany said, “I told you that.”

I took a minute to clear my thoughts. I said, “Both of you actually think that fighting Mom is what allows me to do what I'm doing now? I mean, I would have always been doing something. I always had ideas. I always finished what I started. And I always tried to get y'all to do more. And you guys always looked at me like I was crazy.”

Tiffany said, “You are crazy. But that's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. I'm try'na be more crazy like you.”

I shook my head and said, “Trust me, Tiffany, you're a lot crazier than me. All you need is a damn stage and a microphone.”

“Well, find me one then. Tracy got connections, right?”

I had put my foot in my mouth again.

I flipped things around and said, “So, you guys both want to work for me, is that it?”

My sisters both looked confused, like I thought they would.

“Work for you?” Veronica asked me. “What can you do?”

I said, “I can manage your careers and find you work. Now what are you talented in? I know Tiffany can do jokes. Would you like to perform at the Marriott tonight?” I asked my baby sister.

She laughed it off and didn't respond to me.

Veronica said, “Wait a minute. If you manage our careers, then you work for us.”

I shook my head and said, “No I don't. I only work for you if you hire me, and that's after you've built up some value in your talent. Because if I have all the value in my contacts, then you work for me. And that's the same way it goes for all supermodels and comedians until they build their own names.”

Veronica looked at me and grunted. She said, “You ain't no damn hustler. Who you think you are, a female Damon Dash or somebody? Tracy has the power, not you.”

“Well, why are you mad at me then, Veronica? I don't have the power.”

I had her where I wanted her. We had to get down to the facts before we could understand each other.

My sister smiled at me. She knew I had backed her behind into a corner.

She said, “But you can get to her though. I can't.”

I said, “So, what do you want me to tell her?”

“You shouldn't have to tell her anything about us,” Tiffany stated. “We're family, too.”

“Okay, so what do you want her to do?” I asked them.

Tiffany said, “I want to move out to California. And I want to be in a movie. And Veronica wants her big ass in some Flyy Girl Ltd. jeans.”

“I didn't say all that,” Veronica spoke up. “But it would be nice if she noticed us, and not just because you told her to either.”

They had me in a bind. Tracy couldn't concentrate on everyone. She was just one woman.

Veronica added, “And then you come home and say you're gonna take me out to dinner, and you haven't even done it yet 'cause you're too busy hanging out with your model friends.”

I said, “We're going out to eat tonight.”

“I have other plans tonight.”

“I don't have any plans. You can take me out,” Tiffany commented.

I said, “I'm only in town for two more nights until we come back to film, Veronica. Why don't you give me this opportunity to take you out like sisters. And yeah, you can come, too, Tiffany,” I told her.

“Oh, I can come, too, like I'm some kind of Cabbage Patch kid in a backpack.”

“Yeah,” I told her. “And I have a giant backpack just for you.”

She shook her head and shut her mouth for a minute.

Veronica said, “It just don't seem right. How come you get to do everything now?”

“Because she's Vanessa Tracy Smith, that's why,” Tiffany stated.

“No, because I busted my ass to prepare myself for opportunities,” I told them. “I could just be sitting out there in L.A. at the beach doing nothing. But no, I did all my research on things, and I pushed Tracy into doing this movie. I pushed her into doing this clothing line, too. And I got my girls to model her clothes. And I'm the one who she trusts now to take around with her when she's handling her business. Why? Because I'm prepared for it.”

I said, “Tracy's not just hooking me up. I'm paying off for her because she knows I'm using what I have, my intelligence, to make things happen for all of us.”

Veronica began to shake her head.

“There you go, thinking you're so much smarter than everybody again.”

I was growing tired of the guilt trip Veronica would always try to pull about my intelligence. So I let her have it.

I said, “So what? So what if I think I'm smarter than people? What do you want me to do, apologize for using my damn brains? You use what you have to use, and that's what I happen to have.”

“Yeah, but you don't have to throw it in people's faces.”

“I don't.”

“Yes you do,” Tiffany butted in. “You always made us feel like we were dumb.”

I said, “Because you were my little sisters and you were always getting into shit. But that didn't mean that you weren't intelligent. You just have to learn how to use your brains more.”