Born to Fight (14 page)

I pause and watch him fill the next bucket. The dark hides just enough things from me.

"I can't love right," I blurt out.

He looks back at me, "What?"

"My love isn’t normal. I love too fast and too much and hate too fast and too much. Nothing about me is normal. I loved Jake the first time I saw him and same for you. The thing they made me, makes me not feel things like other people. My emotions don't work properly. I feel some things too much and others not at all. The doctor told me never to love and never to reproduce, ‘cause they don’t know what I'll make. He told me I couldn't ever be normal." I turn and leave quickly. I'm ashamed the words are out there in the dark, floating around. I don’t want him to know how I feel about him or the flaws in my system. The door opens, but instead of handing Jake the bucket, I walk past him and drag it to Mary's room. I knock and pass it to her, "For washing." I carry it in and sit on the bed. The blond monster is sleeping. I look at him and feel it, the sickening connection to him. His instability is mine.

"You okay?"

I spin and shake my head, "I'm not. They made me pregnant and then killed the baby. I bled all the way to my knees for days. I peed my pants from the tube they stuck up there, that I pulled out. The doctor told me I'm not normal; my real dad is the one who's behind all of this breeder baby nonsense. My mom was patient number one for it." I plunk down on the edge of the bed and stare at the wall, "I don’t know what to do to feel safe again. I used to feel that here. Now I feel sick. Something could happen to any one of us and that scares me."

She drops to her knees in front of me, "Em, that’s normal. Before I had Andy, I was so selfish and free. Then I got taken and they made me get pregnant at the farms. I had a seizure and ended up in the medical ward. When the doctor wasn’t looking I got away. I gave birth alone in the forest and then Marshall and Will found me. They too had escaped from the farm but years earlier. Marshall was a doctor—he saved me. They brought me to the retreat, it was new then. I was a mess, I cried for months. I lied about Andy being a real baby. I had nightmares about them taking him and making me go back and have more babies. The panic and stress were overwhelming. Then one day, Will dragged me off and gave me a firm talking to. Andy was showing signs of me being a bad mom; he cried all the time and was nervous. I couldn’t breastfeed him. My milk dried up from the nerves. Will made me see the things, I was imagining weren't real."

I feel a bit bad for judging her and the brat, sort of.

She squeezes my hands and I notice the tears making her brown eyes shiny, "You are scared because you have people to care about. If it was just you and your wolf, you'd be calm—he can take care of himself. But you're not. You have Sarah, Meg, Anna and Jake. They all need you, even if it's just for friendship. You're a young woman growing up in a world where love and bright spots are few and far between. Take those moments and cherish them. If you fall in love a hundred times between now and the minute you die, be grateful you had so much love. If you only love once and it's deep and passionate, be grateful for the constant love and companionship of that. We don’t live in the world of guarantees anymore, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a world of possibilities. You're young, love everyone and anyone who will love you back and treat you with respect."

I nod, "Thanks, Mary. I needed that."

Her warm brown eyes make me relax. She lifts up onto her knees and brushes her lips against mine softly. The soft sweetness of the kiss pulls the air from my chest.

She sits back on her heels and smiles sweetly, "Good night."

I stand off the bed and walk from the room muttering, "Night." I close the door and press my back against it. I like it when she kisses me.

I walk back out the door to the well, where Will is carrying back the last couple buckets. He stops and looks at me. I put a hand on his chest, "I don’t want anything from you but respect. I think if you can respect me as a person and treat me with kindness, we can be friends."

He looks confused but doesn’t move, "Is that what you're offering me?"

I nod.

He smiles lightly, "I don’t want to be your friend, but if that’s important to you, then it's important to me."

The heat where my hand is rested on his chest is burning, "It's important to me. I want to be a normal girl—after I kill my dad and destroy everything he has built." I feel the slow grin crossing my lips.

"Yeah, that'll make you normal," he laughs.

My grin matches his. I take a bucket from his hands and turn to walk away. I expect his hands on my arms, spinning me around, but he doesn’t do it. He respects the friend request.

"You know before the world ended, people got to know each other before they met in real life," he says.

I look at him, "I remember that. My friend Rachel's mom left one day to be with a man in Canada. She never met him before that day, they played video games together. Rachel and her dad were devastated." I had forgotten about that.

"Might have been the better way to get to know people. No infected and worldwide disasters to contend with. It was just plain talking and being the person you wanted them to see. Not like now, where I spend most of my time wishing I could show you the person I was once."

I glance up at him and try to see the man I want him to be, "Maybe." I don’t have fancy words to make him feel okay, I wish he was a better man. Not just for me but for everyone. The fact he wishes it too, makes me hopeful.

I nudge him gently, "Maybe one day, the world will come back and we can get to know each other again."

His eyes burn, ignoring the smile on his lips, "I can wish for that, I guess. Or I can just start being the person I want to be, when I'm with you."

I laugh, "I won't hold you to anything." I open the cabin door and feel the twinkle in my eyes, "I also won't hesitate to shoot you, if you get mean again."

His eyes don't change, "Fair enough." He waits for me to walk inside. I catch a glance from Leo. He doesn’t like it when I'm alone with Will. He doesn’t like Will. I don’t really blame him.

Chapter Nine

The hike down the mountain feels like something I have never felt before. I glance at Anna and smile, "Feels like we have family to come home to, huh?"

She nods, "It’s the first time I've ever felt this. There is someone waiting for us, at a place that’s home. We have people, Em."

I sigh, "I almost don’t want to jinx it and be too excited."

"Can we get a truck or a car?" Jake asks.

Anna flings a stick at him, "Stop being a baby."

He looks exasperatedly at her, "Dude, it's far. You don’t remember how far it was, it was a long ways."

She sticks her tongue out at him. Will is quiet, hopefully not moody. He hasn’t said much since we talked the other night.

"Where would we find a truck? With gas?" Will asks and walks faster, "We need the time to plan."

Jake nudges against me, "She don't need a plan, Will. She'll just bust the doors down and kick the shit out of everyone—Terminator style."

I shake my head and ignore the flames crossing my cheeks. Anna looks as confused as I am, but Will laughs. I like it when he laughs.

I glance at him, "I was thinking maybe we could go to the breeder farms, get nurse and doctor outfits, and then drive into the city, like we just finished shift. That’s what she called it right, Anna?"

She winces, "Yeah, shift."

Will nods once, "That’s a smart idea."

Jake hovers; he's starting to make me uncomfortable with his clinging to me. I don’t know what to say to him. He slips his hand over mine, cradling mine and swinging it. I look up at him and shake my head, "Eyes on the wolf."

Anna snorts, "He expects you to save him."

I frown mockingly, "He should know me better than that, I always run."

He wraps an arm around me and squeezes me. I trip him on purpose. He goes down like a falling tree. He grabs me and drags me down with him. Leo growls. I laugh putting a hand in the air, "It's okay, buddy."

Leo doesn’t like it. He shoves Will and growls. Anna drops to her knees fast and calls him. She's shaking she's laughing so hard.

Will looks pissed, "Jake attacks you and he tries to bite me?"

I laugh. Anna puts her hands out, "Come here, boy." He walks to her, still eyeballing Will and lowers his face. Jake grabs my foot and tries to drag me back.

I look back at him and am instantly pulled up roughly. I'm about to pull an arrow and shoot Will in the ass for manhandling me, but his face stops me. He puts a finger to his lips. I crouch and crawl to Leo. I put my finger in his fur and watch them. It's a group of military. They have the bandanas around their throats like the people in the city.

Jake crawls to us. I push him down into the grass and put a finger to my lips. Will looks at me, "We could take their truck."

I nod. Three of them are out of the small pickup, walking around. One is in the driver’s seat. They are looking and wandering about; they're looking for something.

We creep down the hill closer to them. I lick a finger and put it into the air. The wind is slight. I pull an arrow and pull it back. I glance at Anna and wink. She sights her rifle in.

I take a breath and wait for her first shot. I see the red mist and release. The arrow takes down the man next to the one she shot. The last person pulls their gun and slaps the truck, "ATTACK!"

She downs him as I take the driver down. Will and Jake are already dragging the first guys into the grass when we get down there. Jake grabs guns and tosses them into the back of the pickup and Will jumps in the driver's seat.

"The bandanas." I say and pull them off a person next to me. Jake makes a face when I toss him one.

We tie them on and climb in fast. Jake sits up front with Will. Anna and I ride in the back with the weapons and Leo.

I don’t pay attention to where Will's going. I watch the countryside go by quickly.

Anna smirks, "You and the boys are in a real pickle."

I shake my head and shout back at her, "No. I am friends with them. I can't be more. You heard the doc."

She shrugs and looks at me. I see how much she's aged, "If I loved someone, Em, I would just love them. The world is so friggin’ screwed up; that if you find something good and you don’t grab onto it, it's like you're laughing in the faces of the people who have all died. My dad loved my mom. He would want all three of us to try to be the kind of people other people would love and cherish. He would be pissed, if even one of us were unhappy in this life. It's so short and the guarantees are gone. There is nothing left but what we make."

I raise my eyebrows and stroke Leo's fur, "Who got old and philosophical?"

She laughs, "I don’t know what that means."

"It means you're looking at the meaning of life and contemplating the essence of happiness and the things we need to find that happiness. At least that’s what I think it is. I don’t really know either. I just know whenever my Gramps got like that, my Granny would call him that."

She grins, "It’s a good way to be, I think," and points back where we came from, "We just shot four people—people who had loved ones and family probably. I don’t feel bad. They chose the wrong side. They would have killed us in a heartbeat."

I look where her hand is pointing, "I don't feel bad either. We probably should though."

She nods, "We should, but that world is gone. The world we live in sucks. It sucks ass, like Marshall would say. There is nothing but bitter sadness. If I find a boy who makes me happy and makes me forget about the other shit, I’m latching on with both hands. I'm going to make him love me and I’m never leaving wherever we end up. Shit, I'll build a cabin next to yours."

I laugh, "We'll need a few of them. Mary seemed pretty attached to that one and so did Meg."

Her eyes burn the way Will's do, "Yeah well, I told you the first day I was there, I would do anything I could to stay there. I still mean that."

I frown, "You'd still sacrifice me?"

She nods and plays with Leo's huge paw, "You suck. Of course not. But I would sacrifice Mary and her kid. I feel nothing for them. Meg, me, you, Sarah and my brothers, that’s my family. Mary is not my problem."

I leave it at that. I don’t want to admit, I still sort of feel the same way. I hate that. Or, maybe, I hate that it bothers me.

She hands me a piece of jerky. I chew it and wish we were back at the cabin. I tear some off and give it Leo. He licks my fingers gently. He seems to be settling again.

Will drives until the truck runs out of gas. It's dark again when it sputters. The warm air has cooled off and I'm frozen.

He parks, "It's not far from here."

I look at Anna, "You remember the way?"

She looks around, "Yup. This isn’t it."

I give Will a shitty look. He laughs and offers me his hand, "Trust me." I pass him a gun, instead of my hand and slide off the truck.

Leo jumps down and looks around. Will grabs another gun and starts walking. I look at Jake but he shrugs. We don’t speak, the dark isn’t safe to talk in.

We walk until we reach gravel. I stop and look down at the gravel road, "Is this a driveway?" I've only ever felt this in driveways or crappy old roads.

"Yup." He doesn’t look back, he just walks. He pushes something, "Through this small gap, it's a gate."

I don’t like it. Leo stays near me, nudging me. I have an arrow pulled and ready. I wish I had those handguns. We crunch along, not quietly at all, following Will's silhouette down the driveway. I see something dark against the sky, it's huge. I stumble at the same time as Anna. The gravel ends and we're on concrete. The massive black thing grows, as we get nearer. My fingers itch to pull the arrow back. Bad thoughts filter in my brain, thoughts like shooting Will in the leg and running, dragging Jake out of there, knowing Anna and Leo would follow.

Lights flick on blinding me. I pull the arrow back further and squint, trying to see anything.