Borderliners (20 page)

I shook myself. Suspicions were forming in my mind which I was unable to ignore but I had nothing conclusive, something I needed to change. I had to press on and find something quickly which I could use to expose Julia. Tony was falling off my radar, patients were deteriorating rather than responding to therapy, and the sense of time running out had never been more acute. I couldn’t shake the sensation that the sands in this egg timer were down to their last few grains.

I no longer have a penny to my name. Julia has promised to give me money once a month. She says that’s how it works. Everybody in the community uses this system. No exceptions. She says absolute loyalty is paramount. Without it, the community can’t operate and they can’t do their work as instruments of the Spirit.

She stood over me as I took my medication, forcing me to take other tablets too, ones I hadn’t been prescribed. ‘These will help you prepare for tomorrow,’ she said.

After breakfast I went out for another walk to the New Age shop. It’s become a habit these last few days. It helps me clear my head, take stock of what I’ve done. It helps me think. I was alarmed by the sight which greeted me. The assistant was bedraggled, her clothes unkempt, her nose and eyes red, her cheeks stained by dirty tear tracks. A stench arose from her armpits, as if she hadn’t washed for a while and her oily-looking hair smelled sour. She sat in her usual corner of the barn, smoke rising from her roll-up which had burned right down to her yellow fingertips and her eyes deadened behind the fug.

I went to the
‘Man, Myth and Magic’
bookshelf and leafed through a couple of periodicals. Just as I was looking at illustrations of Tarot cards, complete with explanations of their meanings, a voice cut through my reverie. ‘You want me to do a reading for you?’ said the voice, and I turned to see the shop assistant by my side. I didn’t know what to say so I merely nodded, turning to follow her back to the darkest corner of the shop, where a pack of cards sat, waiting, by the till on the side. ‘Close your eyes,’ she said. Then she dealt. First The Hermit, then The Moon then The High Priestess. Silence followed as she leaned back in her chair. It lasted so long I thought she might be sleeping until finally she spoke again.

‘You are in danger,’ she said. Then she dropped her voice and chanted. ‘A staff and lantern he did hold, to show the way, to shelter from cold. Travelling secret corners of the earth, their mysteries revealed despite his mirth.’ She opened her eyes to stare directly at me. ‘
I lost him, he did not grow old.’

‘What?’ I said.

If you listen, you will discern the meaning of the cards. Just listen…’And she continued. ‘He walked a lonely path, eternal autumn, an aftermath. Of a life not yet begun, he was a hero, for me unsung.
My way and his, our joy and wrath.’
A feeling of dread crept over me as the voices started chanting in unison with her. ‘The darkness illuminated by his light, with him my life did feel alright. His gentle, understated love, a hidden sign, of peace, a dove.
Extinguished in the night.’

The shop assistant dropped to the floor, convulsing, knocking the card formation into chaos, cards slipping and sliding under her. I crouched down and grabbed her, reciting a simple prayer, shouting over the voices which were on loop, repeating the phase over and over,
‘Extinguished in the night.’

I tried to pick up the cards from around the shop assistant’s writhing body. ‘Are you all right?’ I started, but it was useless. I dropped more cards than I managed to hold, eventually giving up to sit on the floor until the woman next to me calmed. It was difficult to breathe and the air in the barn thickened and became soup-like as it snaked into my lungs. I felt as if I would suffocate.

Pulling out one of my own roll-ups, I lit up to calm my nerves. I took in a long, deep drag, relieved as it reached into my lungs and I started to breathe normally again. The smoke curled upwards to my nostrils and around my face, its tendrils making swirly patterns before dissipating into the atmosphere above my head. I blew out a mouthful in the shop assistant’s direction, and she appeared to awake from her trance, her eyes fixed on my roll-up as I took a few more drags from it.

‘Mind if I take a drag too?’ she asked.

I nodded, handing it over to her without a word. ‘What happened just then?’ I asked as she heaved herself into a sitting position to take the roll-up from me.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘That community of yours says I’ve been possessed by the devil. But it’s rubbish. I’m epileptic and stress can bring on a fit sometimes. I forgot to take my medication this morning. Stupid, I know.’

‘That community of mine?’

‘Yeah, I know who you’re staying with. Her Majesty there.’ She paused to watch the smoke rise towards the centre of the barn’s pitched roof. ‘She doesn’t like me. Or my shop. You must have guessed that by now.’

‘Well,’ I began. ‘I can imagine.’

‘She wants me closed down.’ She laughed, a short and mirthless sound. ‘As for the cards, sorry I scared you just then. You can read what you want into them. I have no control over what comes out. Sometimes, if I have a fit whilst doing a card reading, it can get pretty hairy.’ She fixed me with a long stare, my roll-up still between her left fore-finger and thumb. After a minute or so, she spoke again. ‘Cards aside, I’d still say you were in danger. They’re not nice people, those community nutters.’

‘Nutters?’

‘I’d steer clear, if I were you.’

She reached over to collect the strewn cards from the floor. She put them back into their box one by one, shaking each card before she returned it to the pack. It took several minutes and a few more puffs for her to put the whole pack back together. As she took a final drag on my roll-up, one card remained on the floor and I craned my neck to look at it. From my upside-down vantage I could see it was The High Priestess but its appearance had changed. The figure had been transformed from a creature with long blond locks to a brunette with dark wavy hair which hung down over her breasts to reach almost past her waist. Her eyes were almost black and they appeared to flash as I looked into them. From nowhere, whispered words came into my head, ‘Prepare yourself, now, for the ceremony.’

I looked at the shop assistant. ‘Did you hear that?’

She shook her head. ‘I can’t hear anything apart from you.’ With one hand she passed back the roll-up and bent down to put the final card back in the pack. ‘You know, I’ve been thinking maybe I should get rid of these after all. It’s an old pack and the same readings keep coming out. It’s not good practice to keep using an old pack, readings don’t work properly anymore.’

‘If they work at all?’ I felt as if The High Priestess’ eyes were still boring into me from within the pack.

‘Well, the last time I did a reading for someone, I pulled out the Death card but they’re not dead. Yet.’ She paused, looking thoughtful. ‘Although the Death card isn’t that bad an omen, really. It’s true meaning is one of change rather than death. The High Priestess, on the other hand, is a dangerous card to pull out. I’d watch your back, if I were you.’

A split second passed before something inside me snapped. Escape was uppermost in my mind. Why had I come here? Julia was right, I had to stay out of trouble, I had to take my medication and leave my vices behind. Without saying goodbye, I turned and ran through the shop, leaving the shop assistant still sitting in the centre. The crystals winked at me through their green and purple hues and the carved hand seemed to reach out in an attempt to grab me. I could hear Julia’s voice telling me to beware, telling me I was on dangerous ground, but I couldn’t remember when she had told me this. I was sure we had never visited the shop together and yet I could see her in my mind’s eye, smashing the crystals on the ground and throwing the hands into a burning pile of rubble, the flames licking the walls as they climbed higher and higher.

At the front entrance, I pushed the dank heavy door open and threw myself into the fresh air beyond. In reality, there was nowhere to run. Everything was playing tricks with me: the shop and its secrets, the villagers, my hosts, even my own mind. There was nowhere to run, I knew that, but I had to go somewhere. So I darted out into the copse and skirted around the tree circle beyond it until I got to the dirt track which led out to the main road. Half limping, I scampered as fast as I could along the lane, my heart pounding and the taste of blood in the back of my throat. I ran until I had left the cards and the barn far behind.

Living alone suited me just fine. It meant I could eat when I wanted, or - as was becoming more of a habit of late - not at all. I could get up and read in the middle of the night, come and go as I pleased and, most importantly, I could keep up with my yoga and meditation and my exercises. Without them I’d be lost. Finally, I never had to pander to anyone. People were fascinating, but I liked to examine them from afar. When they got close they were a distraction.

In some ways it was fortunate my appearance held people at arm’s length. With this thought in mind I tore a brush through unwashed hair, regarding myself fleetingly in the bathroom mirror as I did so. Green-grey eyes ringed with dark circles jumped back at me and my straw-coloured hair caressed chiselled cheeks as it flowed down beyond my shoulders. The effect was intimidating but I laughed, noting how the laughter didn’t reach my eyes. Staring harder at the mirror I checked my complexion, confirming the effect burning the candle at both ends had. My skin was sallow and stretched tightly across my bones, giving me the lean and hungry look I normally associated with Vince.

Remembering the job he had asked me to do, I put the brush down, tore on some casual clothes and went down to the study. He was fortunate it was Sunday. I had some time to get on with the task in hand, and with a cup of coffee in one hand and my laptop open on the desk in front of me, I set about formatting menus for the ball, blocking out the sound of dogs barking outside.

I opened up the email Vince had forwarded me, listing the dishes for the evening. Then, selecting the text, I copied it all into Publisher, choosing a swirling font and a cream background to complement it. Sitting back, I examined my handiwork.

The barking had become more insistent so I stopped what I was doing and moved to the window to see what was happening outside. Hesitating, I peered gingerly through the glass and my heart lurched as I stared straight at Julia. She was standing across the street next to her dog whose eyes were wild. I felt like he was shouting at me. Then, as if she could sense my presence on the other side of the netted window, Julia turned abruptly and moved on towards her own house. I observed as she left the dog in the back garden before opening her car door to get in.

Something clicked and I stepped back from the window. I would follow her.

In my haste, I dashed out of the study and lunged for the front door, opening it just in time to see a flash of blue pass by. Acting on pure instinct, I rushed to my convertible and jumped into the driver’s seat. Throwing the car into reverse, I nearly ran into a familiar figure as he sauntered past. Stopping the car, I let down the window with a sigh.

‘In a rush?’ he asked, eyebrow half raised as usual.

‘Yes actually,’ I snapped.

‘Off anywhere important? Only I had something to ask you.’

‘Right.’ I sighed again. ‘What did you want to talk to me about, Vince?’

‘About the menus. Did you manage to format them?’

‘Yes, I’ve just done them. I’ll forward them over to you later.’

He stepped back and gestured for me to back further out into the road. I looked hurriedly from side to side as I did so before setting off in pursuit of Julia, leaving him standing mute and wary on the pavement.

Julia’s car was still visible up ahead and I managed to catch up with her. It soon became obvious where she was going and after a short drive I arrived at her destination. To evade notice, I drew up just beyond the gravel car park, switching the engine off as I swung out of the car before making for the bushes on the periphery of the shop’s grounds. Skirting round behind the foliage, I could see no sign of either Julia or her car. Confused, I paused to think before changing tack and walking over to the back of the shop in the centre of the clearing.

Just then, a voice rang out, making me jump into a splayed position against the barn wall.

‘I want to know where those books are!’

So she was here. Goose bumps broke out on my forearms.

‘You know what will happen if you don’t give me those books!’

There was an incoherent, mumbled reply.

‘You’ve been warned before. Now get those books back for me!’

Books? I stood very still, knowing I had to get out of there, knowing Julia was looking for the book which had been left on my doorstep. I threw myself back into gear, skirting efficiently round the perimeter of the shop grounds. I didn't think I could be seen back here, but as I shivered in the cloying, dank air, I could still hear the two women remonstrating with each other outside the front entrance. Or perhaps they were just inside. Either way, I had to stay out of sight.

Although it was mid-morning the half-light of the nearby woods gave the place a sense of timelessness. It felt unworldy, but I wasn't here to immerse myself in the mystery of the place. As the louder of the two voices went up a pitch I pricked up my ears again.

'What do you mean they're not there?'

I turned and ran to my car.

Back home my breathing felt shallow. Afraid my childhood asthma was about to make a reappearance, I went straight up to the main bathroom and turned the shower on to the hottest setting, letting its vapour steam up the room to the point that I could no longer see the wall on the opposite side of the room. Plug in, I sat in the bath at the other end from the shower unit and put my head back on the edge, breathing in the steam until my lungs loosened up. I closed my eyes to cut myself off from the external world around, to embrace the solitude. Steam continued to rise and heat enveloped me as I drifted in and out of my thoughts. Images of my panicked drive home plagued me. I suspected Julia would have heard me drive off, probably seen the car too. What had I been thinking? The torrent bore down and the water level in the tub rose until it got so high it was almost up to my neck and I grappled under the water and yanked out the plug before reclining backwards to the semi-comatose position I had been lying in before.