Bootleg (12 page)

  Y
ou know who I feel sorry for? The guy who thinks he’s gay and then finds out that he’s not—on impact. I wonder what goes through a guy’s mind before he takes that step, because you don’t just up and do that. You have to meditate on it because it’s not like golf, you can’t buy a mulligan. There is no do-over. I can just see a guy sitting around thinking:

Steve
: I wonder what’s wrong with me. I’m not attracted to women anymore. I find football to be very violent and actually think ice skating is beautiful. Maybe I’m gay. Yeah. Maybe I need to explore that side. But what should I do? Where should I go? … Oh, wait! (
retrieves a slip of paper from his pants pocket
) Maybe I’ll call Bob. Bob is gay. He can help me.

So, he picks up the phone and dials.

Steve
: Hello, Bob?

Bob
: Who’s this?

Steve
: You don’t know me, but my name is Steve. I got your name off of a bathroom wall. It said, “For a good time call Bob.”

Bob
: I was drunk out of my mind when I wrote that. But, yes, I’ve been known to be a party animal. So, what can I do for you, stranger?

Steve
: Well, I think I’m gay, and I don’t know what to do.

Bob
: Oh, you poor baby. I’ll be right over.

Click.
Bob hangs up. Now Steve is probably having second thoughts.

Steve
: Oh my God, what have I done? Bob’s coming over and I don’t have a thing to wear. Look at this place, I better straighten up. Put on the TV. Oh, look, Scott Hamilton, this is perfect.

Ding Dong.
The doorbell rings. Steve is afraid to open the door.
Ding Dong.

Steve
: How the hell did he get here so fast?

Ding Dong. Knock, knock, knock.

Bob
: Steve, open up. It’s me, Bob! Listen, I know you’re afraid and you’re probably having second thoughts. I know, because I was there once. Just relax. Everything is gonna be okay. You have to trust me.

Steve takes a deep breath and finally opens the door.

Steve
: Thanks for coming over. I want you to know that I’m not sure about this, so I don’t want to rush anything.

Bob
: I’m here for you, Stevie. All I want is for you to feel safe. That’s the only thing that’s important to me, okay? Now, let’s smoke a joint, it’ll relax you.

Steve
: Wow, this is some good stuff.

Bob
: Only the best for you. I got it from this really cute drug dealer. Now, come sit on my lap and tell me who the fish was that broke your heart.

Steve
: Do I have to sit on your lap?

Bob
: Yes, it’s the rules. Here, have a shot of tequila. It’ll help to relax you.

Steve sits on his lap.

Steve
: Well, there was this girl, Bob.

Bob
: I knew it, that bitch! What did she do to you?

Steve
: She told me I was a freak because I wanted to have anal sex. She said it was nasty and perverted.

Bob
: You poor baby. Keep smokin”.

Steve
: Then she said that I wasn’t man enough to be in a relationship with her ‘cause I was too close to my mother, and I was sexually abused by my father, all I know is …

Bob
: Time’s up.

Steve
: I was just getting to the deep part.

Bob
: Honey, I don’t have all day. Look, I want to officially welcome you to the other side. You’re now gay. Drink up.

Steve
: That’s it? Just like that?

Bob
: Sweetie, any man that can sit on another man’s lap, drunk, and talk about being sodomized by his father is a fag. All we need to do is seal it. I’m gonna need you to sign this consent slip to protect both of us in case of a lawsuit. I got into this very ugly little episode with this really cute Asian boy named Hung-low. Okay, I’m ready if you are. Would you like another sip of tequila before we get started? No? Okay, let’s do it.

Steve
: OH GOD, PLEASE STOP! YOU’RE HURTING ME! PLEASE STOP THIS! I DONT LIKE IT! YOU’RE HURTING ME!

Bob
: Just hold on, honey. It’s almost over. Isn’t this what you wanted to do to your girlfriend?

  S
tatistics show that more and more people are turning gay, especially women. Which makes sense when you think about how convenient it would be to have a relationship where two people have everything in common. Take two women, for instance. They can go to Bed Bath & Beyond all day long and play with little soaps, feel up the fabrics, and sniff candles. There’s no one there to say, “Can we get the hell out of here, or is there an electronics department in this place?”

After all the shopping is done they can hold hands, skip home, and talk about nothing for the rest of the afternoon. Then, they can eat each other out and still have enough energy to talk about nothing some more. No stress, no problems.

Gay men have it easy, too. They don’t have to worry about feelings. “Did I satisfy him?” is a question that will never have to enter his mind because it doesn’t take much to satisfy a guy. You can even have sex and watch the game at the same time. The other man will never look up and say “Are you watching the Lakers, or are you watching me?”

  W
omen should not take men’s lack of sensitivity personally. Understanding that they are incapable of being considerate and saying the right thing at the right time will make a woman’s life much easier and enjoyable.

Men are taught at a young age how not to “feel.” A little boy can get hit in the face with a baseball bat and the first thing his friend will say is, “Man, stop acting like a bitch. Be a man. Pick your teeth up … here’s your eye. Come on and let’s finish the game.”

A woman who asks for honesty from her man should be wary. If a man really tries to be honest with his woman he will inevitably end up hurting her feelings. Let’s see, for instance, what happens when a woman asks her husband if he thinks she’s put on a little weight.

Woman
: God, this skirt doesn’t fit me anymore. Honey, do you think I’m getting fat?

Men
: Well…

Woman
: Now be honest.

Man
: Be honest? Well, okay baby, your ass is getting a little too wide there. Lately I feel like I’ve been sleeping with Al Sharpton. What? Why you crying?

  T
hings that are romantic to women are bullshit to men. Women like to take long walks on the beach, long walks in the park. They say things like,

Woman
: Oh, it’s such a beautiful night for a stroll. Look at the stars. See howthere’re twinkling and bright.

Meanwhile, the man is thinking to himself.

Man
: I’ve seen better stars while you were blowing me. Let’s go back home, my feet hurt.

  I
f you ask a woman what she wants in a man, the list is way too long. It’s like a grocery list. Here’s a woman shopping for a man: “He’s got to have a good job, a nice car, money in the bank, and good credit; he’s got to be athletic, a nice dresser, have good hair and a sexy smile; he’s got to be a tender lover, with a great sense of humor, and he’s got to be good with children.”

Look, ladies, Michael Jordan is taken. So, come down to earth and get one of the humans. And be happy if you get “good job and good dick” out of the deal.

  V
iagra is supposed to generate over a billion dollars revenue in one year and the FDA hasn’t fully tested it yet. That means it must’ve gotten one guy really hard and they just started selling it: “Listen guy, you want some of this shit or what? I’m telling you it works. Go ahead slam the door on it…. See, still hard, still standing…. What, you want some more proof? Okay, go ahead throw the baseball. You see that? I gave some to Mark McGwire and he went and hit all those home runs. No, it didn’t have anything to do with those muscle supplements. Okay, one more demonstration. Okay, go ahead. Change your tire. Take your time this thing ain’t going nowhere.”

  I
have an idea for a Viagra commercial: A man stands in the back of an elevator. He has packages in both arms.

Then a beautiful woman enters the elevator. She has packages in both of her arms, too. She is struggling to press her button but can’t quite get to it.

The man watches her with a smug look on his face.

Man
: Don’t worry, ma’am, I’ll get that for you. Please stand back.

She stands aside. He thrusts his hips forward and presses the button.
DING!

Woman
: (
stunned and impressed
) Why, thank you!

Man turns to the camera and winks.

Man
: No, thank Viagra.

  W
omen need to learn to use indifference. It’s a word that they hate because they feel it means you don’t care. That’s not true. Indifference is how men control women because they do care, they just don’t show it. Here’s how women can apply indifference in their relationships. Say you want to go out with your man.

Woman
: Baby, can we go out tonight?

Man
: Naw, I ain’t feelin’ it. I just want to stay home and watch some TV.

Do not get all emotional and start crying and throwing things at him.

Woman
: You bastard! You never want to take me anywhere! I feel like a prisoner! All you want to do is watch your damn football!

This only helps him justify not taking you anywhere.

Man
: See, that’s why I don’t take you out ‘cause we’ll get to the club and you’re going to start this silly shit up in there and I’m going to have to knock you upside your damn head.

Ladies, what you want to do is apply indifference. Control your emotions and simply say the following:

Woman
: Okay, honey. If that’s what you want to do, I’ll just go hang out with the girls. We’ll go down to the Coconut Teaser. Here, let me fix you something to eat and get you some beer, and you have a great time, okay?

Then, you go in the room and put on your little “ho” outfit. You want to take your panties off and put them in your pocketbook. Then, while he’s watching TV you bend over and turn down the volume, making sure you give him a little peek at your other smile.

Woman
: Bye, honey.

As soon as you walk out that door, he’s going to say:

Man
: Bye, honey, my ass.

I guarantee you that your man will be at the Coconut Teaser. He may be in a disguise, but he will be there.

Same thing applies to sex. If you’re lying in your bed and you want to have sex with your man and he says:

Man
: Naw, baby, I gotta get up early tomorrow. I’m tired.

Don’t get mad. Control those emotions. Remember this: A man always wants to have sex. If he says, “I’m tired,” it really means, “Do something freaky for me, ‘cause I’m tired of you on your back like a roach.” So, what you want to do is get up, go in the other room, put on some porno, and start playing with yourself. Make noise to let him know what you’re doing, and a few minutes later you’ll look up and see him standing in the doorway jerking off. I guarantee you will be having sex that night. That’s how you apply indifference.

  W
hy do women fake orgasms? They shouldn’t do that. Don’t do that to the man and don’t do it to yourself, because you make that man who’s just lying on your stomach, moving his head, think that he’s doing something. If you let him get away with bad sex, he’s never gonna try any harder to please you. This is what you wanna do. If you want a man to please you, just lay there and don’t say anything—just lie down and start whistling, make phone calls.

Woman
: Hi, Mom. Ah, I’m not doing anything, just waiting for my nails to dry.

See that will mess with his ego and then he’ll start working, ‘cause he’s gonna want your attention.

Man
: Oh no, you gonna put the phone down, you gonna put that damn phone down now.

Too bad men can’t fake orgasms. It would be the ultimate power. The problem is we leave evidence. You can’t be sitting there in the wet spot, saying, “I was just faking … and now I’m gonna pretend to be really, really tired.”

  L
adies, don’t ever think that you can lay on your back while your man is making love to you and not make any noise. That’s damaging to his ego. Now if you don’t care about the man, by all means continue being quiet. In fact, if you want him out of your life, file your nails while you’re fucking him. But if you love this man and want to make him feel like a man, make some noise!

You’re supposed to be his cheerleader. Sing opera if you have to. Don’t be afraid to wake up the neighbor because the neighbor will come to respect your man. He’ll see him out in the street and give him the thumbs-up sign.

Neighbor
: Good morning, Mr. Wilson. I heard y’all last night. Just want to say thank you. I jerked off to y’all.

The best-case scenario would be if the cops showed up. This would boost his ego in ways you can’t imagine. Your man would have to go to the door with a towel around his waist and explain what happened. There’d be a S.W.A.T. team outside, an army of police cruisers and helicopters playing their spotlights all over the neighborhood.

Man
: Hey, what’s happenin’, officer?

Police
: Well, we have some complaints of a possible murder.

Man
: No, it wasn’t no murder. … I was killing some pussy though. … Ha Ha Ha. I do that sometimes.

Police
: Well, you’re gonna have to keep it down.

Man
: I can’t, it’s the Viagra. You wanna see what caused all of the ruckus? (
drops the towel
) Go ahead, hit it with your billy club, it ain’t going anywhere. That’s Viagra. Matter of fact, you can shoot it and it will stay hard.