Bones Would Rain from the Sky: Deepening Our Relationships with Dogs (20 page)

take me to your leader
The leader who exercises power with honor will work from the
inside out, starting with himself.
elaine lee,

the power principle
it HAD BEEN A LONG DAY AT
DOG-TRAINING CAMP, and Carson and I were both
tuckered out after hours of learning about dogs,
practicing obedience and a long swim in the lake.
Joining some other campers in the lounge, we settled
down to play a board game. Understandably not thinking
much of the hard floor, Carson stepped up onto the

couch, settling herself behind me as I perched
on the edge of a cushion.
"You shouldn't let her do that," another camper warned
me. I was surprised-I had thought it pretty
clear that clean dogs were allowed on the camp's
rugged furniture. "Oh, I know they said it was
all right, but you still shouldn't let her do that. She's
trying to top your scent."
For all the world, Carson looked like a dog trying
to take a nap. If she was topping my scent,
whatever that meant, it would be hard to distinguish that
behavior from sleeping. Seeing that I was confused, the
woman explained further. "You should never allow
dogs on furniture or in your bed. That's how they
end up dominant. You know, alpha, top dog.
When you let her put her scent on top of yours,
you're letting her be the boss." The woman looked
somewhere between horrified and disgusted that I didn't
understand these basics of dog behavior. But she
persisted. "I'm not making this up. Wolves live
in packs, you know, and the alpha is the top wolf.
And dogs have packs too, and they need an alpha.
If you let your dogs on the furniture, they think
they're alpha. But you should be the alpha.
Otherwise, your dogs won't listen to you. They
won't respect you."

"Are you saying that if I let a dog on
furniture I'll be unable to control them?" She
nodded, evidently glad that I was catching on. "But
if I can tell the dog to get off the furniture
or out of my bed and they listen to me, isn't that enough?
Wouldn't that show respect?" She hesitated. I
turned to Carson and quietly asked her to get off
the couch. Half asleep, Carson got up and
moved to the floor. "I think she's just sharing the couch,
but she's fine with giving it up if I ask. Isn't
that the point here?"
"I guess so," she replied slowly. "I
suppose you might just be lucky- she's a nice
dog. You might be able to get away with it with one
dog, like her, but if you had a pack of dogs like I
do, you'd understand how important it was."
I apologized to Carson and invited her back up
on the couch. She looked at me as if I had lost
my mind, hopped back up and settled down with a
sigh. I didn't have the heart to tell the
well-meaning woman that the other six dogs at home

were equally nice, that they all get off the
couch when I ask, and that most of them sleep in my
bed every night. I just smiled, patted my nice dog
gratefully, and turned my attention to the game.
While we played, Carson stayed comfortably
tucked up against my back, looking like she was
asleep but possibly hard at work topping my
scent.
Though her advice was filled with all-too-common
misinformation about what constitutes the behavior of
leadership, the well-intentioned woman was right about one
thing. Unlike our human friendships, our
relationships with our dogs include an obligation
to provide leadership. Leadership is as
important to dogs as food, water, shelter and
love. It is, so to speak, the emotional air they
breathe. If we are uncomfortable with issues of
power, if we think that being humane means not setting
clear rules for our dogs, we may ultimately
be guilty of great cruelty. We may work
diligently to provide the finest food and veterinary
attention and do everything in our power to make their lives
comfortable in countless ways. But we still may not fully
meet our dogs" needs. If we fail
to provide leadership, we have failed our dogs.
At the heart of many dog behavior
problems lies a lack of appropriate
leadership. Humans are not put to sleep for failing
to provide leadership for their dogs; countless dogs have
lost their lives for want of it.

some animals are more equal than others

The dog's need for leadership and our obligation to both
honor and provide for this need has nothing to do with the
whole dominion-over-the- animals approach brought
to us courtesy of Judeo-Christian ideology.
It has nothing to do with viewing the human race as
superior and animals as inferior. This is not a
matter of belief, though I've had more than one
client earnestly tell me, "I don't believe
in setting rules for others." Unfortunately for the
dogs of such folks, the emotional response and
"beliefs" have nothing to do with what the dog needs. If
we agree to share a life with a dog, then we are
obligated-if we are honest and compassionate people-to
embrace and honor all that means. And in this case,
we must accept that the canine's deep need for
leadership springs from the realities of canine

culture, of life as a social
animal. The moment we put on the collar, we have
entered into a covenant that promises a dog that we will
provide for his needs. All of them.
Dogs, like all social animals including
humans, live within a complex hierarchy of power and
would readily agree with George Orwell that "some
animals are more equal than others." Whether or not
we are comfortable with this notion, most of us can-though perhaps
reluctantly admit that an equal distribution of
power is neither possible nor realistic in any
social group, human or otherwise. Whether we
like it or not, we understand that some people in the world have more power
than we do, and others have less. It is a basic
truth of social animals. As the old saying
goes, not everyone can be a chief. Dogs expect
someone will be.
Our biases and beliefs about notions of power may
bring us directly into conflict with our dogs, who have
a thoroughly canine perspective on the matter.
Most of the rules we have for our dogs' behavior are
not set so that we can live our lives as petty
bureaucrats, exercising power over another living
being. The rules we set and the leadership we
provide are precisely what keeps our dogs
safe while also ensuring that the dog has the
greatest possible freedom and enjoyment of his life.
Adaptable and adept as the dog is, he still must act
in accordance with his canine core, which both defines and
limits how far the assimilation into human culture
can go. While a dog can adapt to life as a pam-
pered pet in Peoria or life with Australian
Aborigines, the dog's expectations and need for
leadership do not change, though it is safe to say that
the more "unnatural" and civilized his existence, the
greater his need for leadership may be simply because such
a lifestyle inevitably results in the dog
bumping up against an increasing number of rules
regarding his behavior. In the northern Sahara, the
nomadic Tuareg people do not believe in tying up their
treasured hounds; then again, they don't need to-rush
hour might consist of a few camels or an
occasional motor vehicle. Such dogs also live
within a more predictable, stable society. The more
complex world of suburbia with its multitude of people and
dogs and flux creates greater potential for
conflict and confrontation [with neighbors, other
dogs, vehicles, etc.), and the urban dog

faces greater challenges yet. And more
potential conflict and challenges means more rules,
which require more guidance and leadership from us in order
for the dog to remain safe and a welcome member of
society.
When we fail our dogs as their leaders, we may,
without ever meaning to, deny them the fullness of life and
sharply limit the degree of intimacy possible between
our dogs and ourselves. All dog trainers have a steady
stream of clients who, though they dearly love their
dogs, cannot adequately control a dog's
behavior in certain situations, whether that is walking
in the park, in the presence of other dogs, when guests
visit, when a squirrel dashes past, etc. As
a result, the dog is not free to be a part of many
excursions or events, even if the dog's human
family would like to include him. The limits thus
placed on the relationship are precisely what
troubles these folks-they want to be able to enjoy being with
their dog and have their dog enjoy his life with few, if
any, limitations. They are also unhappily aware
that the quality of the relationship in these difficult
moments is not what they want. These problems do not
rest solely on a failure of leadership; proper
training and socialization are also critical
to develop the dog's ability to deal with the
complexities of a life shared with people. But training and
socialization alone do not and cannot compensate for a lack
of appropriate leadership, especially in moments
of conflict or confrontation.
We would not hesitate to answer our dogs' need for
food, shelter and love, but we sometimes find ourselves
uncomfortable with answering our dogs' need for
leadership in their lives. But the covenant of the
collar obliges us to shape our own behavior in order
to provide that leadership in ways that are meaningful and
satisfying to the dog.
where Do I fit in?
The dog's need for leadership and a clear definition of
his status, particularly within his core family group
or the blended humanstcanine "pack," is hard
wired into his brain. In their third week of life,
puppies are already beginning the lifelong work of
understanding where they fit in the social hierarchy.
By week five, the wrestling matches that may appear
as simply play to the naive eye are actually
explorations of status among the puppies, who work
relentlessly at determining their status relative

to their littermates in every possible situation.
If allowed to interact with adult dogs as they should
be, puppies also receive messages about their social
status beyond that established between litter- mates. And
once they have left their litter and moved on to their own
lives, the testing continues.
Whether the dog's family consists of a "pack"
made up of one dog and one person, or a more
complex social group made of many dogs and/or many
people, the questions each dog asks are still "Who's in
charge? What are the rules? Where do I fit in?"
Whether the dog comes into your home as a puppy or as
an older dog, the questions are still the same. It's
startling to realize that even at the tender age of eight
weeks old, the puppy has been working on these questions
for nearly five weeks. In each situation, with each
person and/or dog he meets, the dog asks the
same questions. By way of answers to his questions, the dog
is looking for particular behaviors from us that
indicate high status and leadership: control of or
undisputed access to resources, control or
direction of others' behavior and proactive
intervention. Dogs arrive in this world understanding
Donald McGannon's comment that "leadership is
action, not position." While they need us to provide
leadership, we are not always automatically
given respect or the high-status leadership role
simply because we walk upright and have opposable
thumbs, though for some dogs, that's good enough. Our
opposable thumbs may be impressive (at least in
our own minds], but most dogs need more, and they
watch us
carefully, taking notes on who acts in ways they
understand to be high status.
A few years ago, actress Winona Ryder
appeared on a talk show, and in the course of
conversation, she revealed a bit about her childhood and
what it was like growing up in a remote, safe area with
liberal parents who set only vague rules, such
as a curfew that required her to come home at least
a few nights a week! When asked by the show's host
if she liked having such a loosely structured
childhood, Winona paused for a moment, then shook
her head. "No," she said, "I didn't really like
it. You know the old saying that square parents raise
round kids? Well, I had round parents and I
wanted more square in my life." The pure
geometry of her description caught my attention,

and glancing down at the dogs scattered at
my feet, I wondered what "shape" I was as a
pack leader-round or square or something in between?
Further, what were the shapes my dogs expected or
needed from my leadership, both individually and as a
pack? Some dogs do beautifully under even a
"round" laissez-faire approach to leadership;
others see it as a loophole to be exploited to their
best advantage. (sounds just like human beings,
doesn't it?) Like Winona Ryder, our dogs may
need more "square" or clearly defined leadership
than we are offering; the definitions of status are
blurred and thus confusing to dogs. In their behavior,
they let us know whether our approach is working or not.
Regardless of your personal leadership style and your
dog's individual personality, there is no one
correct approach to providing leadership, no more
than there is only one effective way to manage
or lead people, be an effective parent or have a
solid marriage. As the corporate world would ask,
what does the bottom line say?
To assess the bottom line in your relationship with your
dog-the effectiveness and appropriateness of your
leadership style-there are only two basic questions
to be answered: First, do you have undisputed access
to the resources your dog considers
important? In other words, if you ask, does your
dog willingly surrender to you anything he considers
valuable? Second, in times of excitement,
importance or conflict, does your dog yield
to your direction of his behavior? It doesn't
matter how beautifully trained your dog may be when
all is quiet and calm; it does matter how your
dog responds to you out on the street, at the vet's
office, when the doorbell rings or guests come and
go, when a cat dashes past or another dog
passes, etc. If you answer no or "only
sometimes" to either or both of these questions, then those are areas
that your dog's behavior is pointing to as problems that
need to be worked out. Resolution needs to occur at the
foundation, at the primary level of leadership and
respect.
A good friend of mine was bemoaning how annoying her
dogs' behavior had become. Despite countless
hours of training throughout their lives, each of her
three dogs had started acting in
less-than-desirable ways. One was bolting out the
front door at any opportunity, another was
apparently stone deaf to any command that didn't quite