Bondage (16 page)

When he got home it was late, almost six-thirty. He was tired and hungry and hadn't had time to give the brownstone a second thought; unfortunately, he also hadn't been thinking about Phan's scene for the evening.

He opened the door and almost walked into the boy, who was standing in the hall with lowered eyes, his hands already reaching to take Tobias' coat.

"Good evening, sir. Your dinner is on the table. I hope today wasn't too stressful."

Tobias smiled. "Just busy. Thank you, Phan." He left Phan with his jacket and took a moment to enjoy just looking at him, dressed only in low-slung jeans. His torso and feet were bare, and he smelled like Noah's soap. "How was your day?"

"Fine, thank you," Phan said, following him into the kitchen. "I did some cleaning at Noah's and came over early to tidy up here. I sent your clothes out to the laundry and took care of the pile of mail for you."

"Good boy," Tobias said as he sat at the table. Phan had made a simple stew for him, the broth thick and aromatic. "And how was last night? Noah said you both went to bed early."

"Yes, sir." Phan grinned and knelt beside him. "Twice."

Laughing, Tobias began to eat. "Therapy? How did that go?"

"All right, I guess. I talked to Noah about it -- he seems to think that it would be a good idea for you, or even all of us, to meet with Dr. Brewer. She seems to be worried about what we're doing."

Tobias nodded. "He told me. Oh, he called me around lunchtime -- he might have found us a house. You and I are going to have to contact a realtor soon to sell this place."

"Yes, sir." Phan didn't seem to be bothered by the prospect. "Where's the house Noah found, sir?"

"Downtown, on Vine. Between 4th and 5th, he said. Know the area?"

"Yes, sir. It's nice. Tidy, quiet. There's a summer street fair on Sundays a few blocks away."

"Okay." Tobias ate in silence for a time, occasionally petting Phan's hair. "So," he said as he finished the stew. "You ate?"

Phan nodded. "I had a huge salad and some of the stew. Not much, but enough. The salad had a lot of good stuff."

Tobias smiled. "I'll take your word for it. I'm going to shower. You head into the playroom and kneel -- we'll talk when I get there."

"Yes, sir," Phan agreed, getting up and taking Tobias' plate to the counter.

Tobias left him, showering quickly and then dressing in comfortable but conservative clothes. It had always been important to Phan that the differences in their relative status was symbolized somehow, and clothes were the easiest way to do that; Tobias wasn't ready to move on to less subtle tools of dominant expression yet. He had a feeling he'd have to meet with Phantom's therapist before he truly started to assert himself.

He walked into the plain playroom to find Phan exactly where he was supposed to be, on his knees and waiting. He'd anticipated, or fallen back on his training, and was rightfully naked. "Tell me," Tobias said as he walked to the cabinet and opened it up to reveal his tools and toys. "What is pain for you now?" He opened a drawer to find the rubbing alcohol.

"It grounds me," Phan said softly, his eyes still on the floor. "It's a part of what I need. That's still the same."

Tobias found himself nodding again. There wasn't any way he could see Phan never needing a certain amount of pain. "On the table, please. We're going to do something different tonight. All you need to do is feel and know I'm doing this for you. All I ask is that you take it."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir," Phan said, scrambling up and going to the massage table. He paused.

"On your back. You can watch. No coming," Tobias said, not even looking at him as he checked the manacles for safety.

Phan lay on the table and passively let Tobias strap him down, his breathing even and slow.

"Good boy," Tobias said, swabbing his chest with alcohol.

Phan's eyes widened, and he took a deeper breath. It was clear that he knew what was coming.

Tobias stepped back and picked up the box. Phan was already hard. "Need a cock ring?" he asked politely. At Phan's headshake Tobias smiled and opened the box. "Then we can start," he said, taking out the scalpels.

Tobias drove downtown just before the midday rush, talking to Noah on the cell phone to find out exactly where they were meeting. "So, the realtor -- what's his name again? -- definitely said he could take us through?" he asked, turning down Vine. "Oh, there you are. Be with you in a moment."

He pulled over and parked on the edge of the street, only a few cars away from where Noah was standing. Noah looked so good in uniform, Tobias thought with a grin. He locked the car and went to Noah, blatantly checking him out. "Should have brought Phan; he'd love to see you like this outside of the apartment," he teased as he got near.

"He can come see it after we decide we like it." Noah grinned. "During my shift." He produced a key on a gaudy plastic key chain and held it out in front of him. "Realtor was busy, but he told me I could pick up the key and have a look myself. He said that if we want more information we can call him later this afternoon. There are some advantages to being a cop."

"You look very trustworthy," Tobias agreed. "Let's go then."

Noah unlocked the door and let it swing open. "After you."

Tobias led them in and up a few stairs to the entry hall, opening a closet door curiously and finding the laundry. "Convenient," he said dryly, then wandered through to the living room. "I like this, though." It was a large open space, combined with the dining room, and had huge windows that let the sun stream in. "How many bedrooms?"

"He said three; the master should be on this floor at the back and then two more upstairs, plus a den and a bonus room. I have no idea what a 'bonus' room means." Noah meandered farther down the hall. "Decent kitchen, and aha, the master bedroom. Oh, it's big." He disappeared inside.

Tobias glanced in the kitchen, just to make sure it had a fridge and a stove. He didn't intend to do a lot of cooking. "Three? That works out well," he said as he joined Noah in the master bedroom. "Oh, this is big. Lots of room for a king-sized bed and still room to have a couple of boys sleeping on the floor." He winked and started trying to imagine his furniture in the space.

Noah turned around in the space. "Your bed on that wall, your big, heavy, masculine dresser over there, and we'd end up right about... here." He lay down on the floor. "In chains, of course." Noah winked and sat up on his elbows.

"Of course," Tobias said, looking down at him. "Very nice, pet. Should we look at the rest of the house, or simply christen this room right now?" He grinned and turned on his heel without waiting for an answer. "Bonus room. If it's good for play, we can talk -- can't buy a house we can't torture you in."

Tobias heard laughter echoing in the bedroom and then Noah's heavy work shoes on the floor as he followed him up the stairs. "Dominate, sir. Not torture. It's an important distinction."

They hit the landing and Noah poked his head into each of the upstairs bedrooms.

"If I want to torture you, I will," Tobias promised, walking past the two bedrooms and the bathroom they shared at the end of the house to stand in the wide open expanse that was the entirety of the rest of the floor. "Now this has potential," he said, walking to the window. "Dark curtains, about... what? Six hundred square feet? This is huge." He walked along the edge of the wall, pacing out where the cross would fit. "It's over the entry, the living room and the dining room... we'll have to block it from the stairs... soundproof... The bedrooms are okay?" He started across the front, idly wondering if they could cork the floor without losing too much height.

"Bedrooms are nice, pretty identical, not huge, but big enough." Noah joined Tobias in the open space. "And this space definitely has potential." He was grinning as he looked out one of the windows. "My own space, a garage, a decent kitchen, nice big playroom... my criteria are met. How about yours? Where would we put your office? Is soundproofing outrageously expensive?"

"The last time I soundproofed it was just the one room at the condo," Tobias said absently. "Before that I had specialists in to do the stables. I'll be happy if it's a lot less than that job was." He turned a circle in the middle of the room and nodded. "Room for you, room for Phan... I suppose we can put a writing desk in the living room; I don't need a full office here. Is the basement okay for storage? We should go look."

"Yes, sir," Noah said instinctively, despite the uniform. He turned and headed downstairs, peeking into the kitchen again before heading to the basement door. The stairwell was dark. "See a light switch anywhere?" he asked, feeling along the walls as he headed down the steps.

Tobias flicked switches in the kitchen at random until the basement light came on. "Got it. Smells okay." He had a horrid memory of musty cellar smells when they'd had a nest of dead mice one winter at the farm. Smell was important, almost as important as moisture.

"Looks broom-swept. Floor seems dry." Noah ventured around the corner and out of sight. "Good God, it's really fucking big, too."

Tobias laughed. "Dungeon."

"You're having too much fun with this!" Noah's voice echoed.

"Just wait until you see me talking to contractors about blocking off part of that open space for a safe room. Hot tub by the window, remember?" Tobias flipped the basement light off and on a few times. "Come up here, pet."

"Yes, sir." Noah made his way up the steps again. He grinned at Tobias and closed the basement door. "So what do you think?"

"I think you're going to go back to work a little debauched." Tobias stepped forward and grabbed Noah's hand, then dragged him back to the master bedroom. "Give me the realtor's card and the key when we're done, I'll drop it off. Now, as you were."

"As I
were
, sir?" Noah asked, a leer in his voice. "Oh, you mean..." He stretched out on the floor in the spot he'd been before they'd explored the upstairs. "Here?"

"That would be the place, yes," Tobias said cheerfully. He tossed his coat behind him and set about enjoying the first nooner he'd had in a long, long time.

Tobias spent the weekend checking his pager obsessively and reassuring Noah that the realtor would call when he knew anything. He also spent time describing the house over and over to Phan. By Saturday night he'd had them both tied to chairs, gagged, just to get some peace. Then he turned the chairs so they couldn't make eyes at each other.

Sunday, Noah was calmer, but Phan needed a rather abrupt order to sit his ass down and stop fidgeting. An hour later he was settled enough that the three of them could play for a while -- and after that they were all a lot calmer.

Monday morning he was at the clinic when Dr. Brewer called his cell phone to politely request he come to pick up Phan after his therapy appointment the next day; she'd scheduled an extra half hour for the occasion.

"Of course," he said easily. "Would you like Noah to come as well?"

There was a brief silence and then she said, "That... would probably be best. I may ask to speak to you and Phantom alone, however."

"I'm sure that will be fine."

Phantom seemed easy about it when Tobias spoke to him that night, and, as he'd expected, Noah was more than happy to go along. Tuesday morning, however, Tobias called them both to make sure it was what they wanted.

"You don't need to go," he said. "In fact, we can all say no, or any of us can."

Phan insisted he was fine with it. Noah sighed and the sheer exasperation in his voice convinced Tobias to drop it. They'd go.

At two-thirty he picked Noah up at his apartment, both of them thinking it wiser that Noah not appear in uniform. By the time they got to Dr. Brewer's office they'd discussed the fact that the realtor hadn't called, the state of listing the condo, and Noah's day.

They weren't exactly nervous, but they were... anxious. Tobias hoped that the actual therapy session had gone well for Phan. He and Noah sat next to each other in the waiting room, silently watching the clock and looking around at the tasteful and subdued décor. When the door to the office opened, Tobias forced himself to stand slowly instead of leaping up.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Vincent, Mr. Dolan. Come on in," Dr. Brewer said with a friendly smile.

"Good afternoon," Tobias said just as politely as he led Noah in.

Phan was sitting in a deep chair, looking calm. His smile was warm as he looked up at Tobias. "Hello, Tobias," he said.

"How are you, Phan?' Tobias asked, taking the chair next to him.

"Fine. Really. Hey, Noah."

"Hey, hon," Noah smiled back and took a seat a few feet away. "Dr. Brewer, please feel free to call me Noah."

She smiled at him and sat in another chair, not going behind her desk. "All right," she said easily.

"How did things go today?" Tobias asked Phan, refraining from offering to let Dr. Brewer use his first name.

"Not bad, I guess," Phan said. "I feel pretty good." He looked at Dr. Brewer and raised an eyebrow.

She shrugged. "If you feel good, that's good. I'm not going to tell you how to react to therapy, you know that. Did you want to talk to Dr. Vincent about what we covered today?"

Phan waved a hand. "Just more stuff about pain, really. My perception of it, why I like it, how scene pain is different from punishment pain and how they're both different from the pain I craved when I was... paying off my happy debt."

Tobias nodded. "They're all different?"

"Oh, yeah." Phan looked at Noah. "You know what I mean."

"Sure." Noah nodded and looked at Tobias. "Pain for pleasure and pain for a reason... like punishment or atonement, they're totally different."

Tobias looked at Dr. Brewer. "I knew that," he said. "I just didn't realize that the punishment pain and the... debt pain were different."

She nodded. "It's a subtle distinction, and that Phan sees it is a great breakthrough."

Tobias smiled at Phan and got a shy grin back. Phan hadn't looked shy in about seven years, so Tobias could easily judge how pleased he was with himself.

"Well done," Tobias said softly, smiling as Phan's smile grew into a grin.

Dr. Brewer smiled as well. "Shall we discuss the current situation?"

Tobias nodded. "You have concerns."

"I have... questions, I suppose. For what it's worth, Phan seems more settled this week than he did last."

Noah nodded. "I think that's worth quite a bit."

"It is," Tobias said. "Perhaps you could ask some of your questions -- it would give us an idea of what the issues are, if there are any."

She looked thoughtful for a moment. "I know you have a long history with Phantom, Dr. Vincent. I have concerns that one or both of you may be trying to recapture the past. As we all know, one can't go back."

Tobias waited, but she said nothing further. Noah noticeably shifted in his chair, resting one ankle on the opposite knee, but he didn't say anything. With a glance at Phan, Tobias said, "How so?"

"I think that in a relationship like yours, when you know each other so well, it's entirely likely that previous patterns of behavior will repeat. That based on what you knew before, you'll make choices without really looking at the current situation. If you're not vigilant, I can see lines becoming blurred to the detriment of the whole of the relationship. For example, right now you are all being very careful to establish rules and guidelines, but as you each settle into the dynamics of the new relationship I think that it's possible you or Phantom will begin to make assumptions of one another."

Tobias tilted his head. "Assumptions?"

"Take sex, for example," she said, leaning forward.

"We're not having sex," Tobias said, looking at Phan. "Well, he did suck me off in scene, so I suppose that counts. But Noah is my lover and partner." He grinned quickly. "Phan's getting laid a lot, but not with me."

Dr. Brewer looked at Noah. "And you're okay with things as they stand right now, in that regard?"

Noah nodded. "Both Phan and Tobias have been very mindful of my feelings. Phan is staying with me, and we have rules established that make it easy on us. We know what we're permitted to do and what we're not, we don't have to make decisions. It's quite liberating. As for Tobias and Phan, they have rules as well. Rules that I have agreed to, and I trust them. If Tobias wants to go further, or change the rules, we'll discuss it in context."

Dr. Brewer sighed and sat back in her chair. "I'm not a relationship therapist, nor am I anyone's doctor but Phantom's. I'm not going to tell you how to work this; my only concern is for Phantom's health. So I'm just going to say what I see, and what I think the dangers are."

Tobias nodded sharply. "As long as you have Phan in mind, we're happy at least to listen."

She looked at him, meeting his eyes easily. "I see three men with strong personalities trying to have a relationship with many different levels of intimacy. Polyamory is difficult under the best of circumstances, but you might have an actual advantage as you're all very rule based. As long as everyone is clear on limits, and knows that the limits are fluid and have to be talked about at regular intervals, that's a point in your favor."

Tobias nodded again, agreeing with her so far. Rules had been the basis of almost every adult relationship he'd had; he was comfortable with them.

"However. You are a Master with two subs. That's a lot of needs to be met -- yours, Noah's, and Phantom's. I find myself wondering why you're doing this -- aside from the obvious affection you have for Phan. You've welcomed a past lover into your current relationship and started Dominating him. You've added work, stress, and energy to an already busy life. What's the payoff for you?"

Tobias opened his mouth, but she held up a hand. "In a nutshell, if you're doing this simply because you're trying to save him, this whole thing is doomed. You can't reasonably add a third partner to a relationship for only his benefit. You and Noah have to be emotionally invested, and you have to be willing to give up a little of yourselves, take a little of him. A rescue effort will not work; a true relationship might."

"We're not
trying
to save him, Dr. Brewer, we already have." Noah interrupted.

"You think so? Why? Because he's not with his parents?" She looked at Noah with honest curiosity on her face. "He's not in a hospital, but you have to think longer term than that, Noah."

"I am. We are. We're not setting up something short-term to make Phan better, we're setting up a lifestyle that meets all of our needs. Part of that is Phan continuing his therapy with you, but the rest is something much broader for all three of us. Phan has as much input as we do into how we set things up. He's reluctant to contribute sometimes, and I understand that, but he's learning quickly that it's in his best interests
and
ours for him to be honest." Noah looked at Phan. "He knows we care about him."

Tobias looked at Phan and saw the smile he gave Noah.

"I know," Phan said softly.

"Do you?" Tobias asked, just as softly. "It must be... odd, suddenly having this."

"Of course it's odd," Phan agreed. "But I know Noah cares for me -- he has for a long time. And it's no secret that you love me on some level; you and I never stopped caring about each other, we merely changed how we do it. I never really imagined that we'd be like this, but we are, and I'm grateful for it."

Dr. Brewer watched them discuss it for a moment, not saying anything.

Tobias looked at her, then at Noah. "I love you," he said. "I'm in love with you. But Phan's right -- we do love each other; I'm just not in love with him."

"At the moment," Dr. Brewer put in. "That's what I mean -- rules are good, labels can be good if they establish boundaries but are seen as fluid and changeable. Emotions are much harder."

Tobias sighed. "We know that," he said irritably. "And what we're saying is that if the emotions change, the three of us are capable, willing and eager to talk about it."

"What I'm seeing, Dr. Brewer, if I may," Noah said, sitting up in his chair again,"is a lot of skepticism on your part aimed at putting doubts in Phan's head about how good this is going to be for him. Why do that? Why pull the rug out from under him just when he's starting to get to his feet?" Noah took a deep breath and got his emotions under control, and his tone was more even when he spoke again. "I'm sorry. Look. We don't have this all worked out. This is a continuous, ongoing, evolving situation. There are a lot of new things happening. New relationships, a new home, a new contract -- and we're not doing any of it blindly. We all want to give it a shot, and we are. We've promised to communicate honestly and we're committed to working things out as they come up. I don't see how you can expect us, or anyone, to do any better by Phan than that."

"I don't expect anyone to do better. I'm just questioning if something that happened so quickly is wise. You, Noah, invited him into your relationship as a snap decision. Would you have done the same thing if his father weren't there, saying horrible things? Would you have taken him home with you if Bradford had merely told your Master that he was done with Phan?"

Noah seemed to consider his response carefully. "I can't say for sure. I believe that Tobias would have wanted to honor his sense of responsibility to Phan, and I think it would have been difficult for him to ask me. I've felt very threatened by Phan in the past, jealous even. I don't think that's any secret to either of them." He cleared his throat. "When his father showed up and Phan was ready to give up on himself to keep from coming between Tobias and me... I guess I saw everything differently. He respects our relationship, he really doesn't want to hurt anyone." Noah sighed and looked at Dr. Brewer. "It changed the way I thought about Phan completely."

"You don't still worry that I'm trying to take him away?" Phan asked quietly.

Tobias forced himself to let Noah answer for himself, stifling the immediate reaction to deny that such a thing would ever happen.

Noah almost laughed. "No. No way."

Phan grinned, looking more than a little relieved. "Good. I'm not."

Tobias looked at Dr. Brewer. "I don't know what we can say to make things seem any more stable than they are. We're all well aware that we're feeling our way, but we're doing it with nothing but respect for each other and our relationships. We're going slowly."

She nodded thoughtfully. "All right," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "I wanted to make sure my concerns were heard, and they have been. I'm here for Phan to talk to, and I will do what I can to help. As I said, I'm not a relationship expert, and I have no desire to be one. As long as Phantom continues to improve--"

Tobias' pager went off and he rolled his eyes. "I apologize," he said reaching for it. "Work is busy." He looked at the display and sighed. "Except it's the realtor." He stopped the beeping and put the pager back in his pocket.

"It is?" Noah suddenly looked like a kid who'd just heard that Santa was on the roof. "About the offer?" He looked over at Phan. "Wait until you see the place."

Phan looked at Tobias. "Well? Call!"

"Perhaps we should finish here?" Tobias said dryly.

Dr. Brewer watched Phan wiggle in his chair. "I suspect we're done," she said with a smile. She stood up and said, "I'll see you Tuesday, Phantom."

Phan grinned. "Yeah, see you then. Thanks."

Tobias stood up and shook her hand. "Thank you for your time. I hope we've eased your mind a little."

"Well, if nothing else I know that the three of you talk to each other, which is essential." She turned to Noah. "Thank you for coming."

Noah offered his hand. "Sorry to bust your chops."

"Oh, please. You're a kitty compared to some." She grinned and looked at Tobias. "Though I suspect he could give
you
a hard time if he wanted to."

Tobias smirked and held up one hand. "Only when he wants to."

"Fortunately for him, that's not very often." Noah held a hand out to Phan. "Come on, hon."

Phan took Noah's hand and grinned. "Only once a week or so."

"Out," Tobias ordered, smiling. "And if you're both good we'll stop for ice cream."