Bombay to Beijing by Bicycle (36 page)

RUSSELL sneaks and grabs him.

RUSSELL: I’m gonna kill you!

JOURNAL: AH! What are you doing, Russell? (
real horror
)

RUSSELL: You’ve destroyed everything!

RUSSELL crushes him.

JOURNAL: (
hands around his throat
) Now, now, Russell. I … I … I was doing it for you. I had your best intentions at heart. No … no … Russell! What are you doing?

JOURNAL’S shoulder twitches.

RUSSELL rips off JOURNAL’S arm.

JOURNAL: AH! My bespoke leather cover!

RUSSELL rips out JOURNAL’S stomach.

JOURNAL: My appendix!

RUSSELL rips off JOURNAL’S left leg.

JOURNAL: My footnotes! (
fall to knees
)

RUSSELL rips out JOURNAL’S back.

JOURNAL: Not the spine!

RUSSELL pulls out a match, lights it and sets JOURNAL on fire.

JOURNAL: Ah, I’m burning! (
takes quick drags on his cigarette
) I’m burning! Burning (
not all the way up on knees
) AHAHAH!

RUSSELL: HAHAHAHAH! … AGH!

LX44: BRIGHT ‘FIRE’ ORANGE AND YELLOW WASH – FLASH LIGHTS

RUSSELL passes and rolls around on the floor screaming as the character KAVITA.

DR CHAWLA: (
Happy
) Mr Russell! What are you doing? You have set my wife on fire! Roll, Kavita, roll. (
KAVITA rolls
) That’s it. Rooolll.

RUSSELL: I thought I was burning my jour– (
DR CHAWLA pats the fire out
).

DR CHAWLA: Mr Russell, we burn women after they are dead, not before. Except, of course, when they look at another man. (
seriously
) Did my wife look at you?

RUSSELL: (
Putting out the fire
) No, no, no, no!

DR CHAWLA: Acha! Anyway, I have good news. Your blood test is back and you are having a negative test for the malaria. (RUSSELL
looks blankly at him
) You are cured!

RUSSELL: Congratulations!

DR CHAWLA: Yes, congratulations! Haha! Seems that the urine treatment worked … and high doses of Chloroquine. Anyway, Mr Russell, I just want to say it has been a pleasure looking after you.

RUSSELL: (
humbled – shakes hands
) Thank you, Dr Chawla. Thank you for everything.

End shaking hands.

DR CHAWLA: Not a problem. Russell. Come again. Oh, and Mr Russell. I want to give you advice for your journey. ‘The road is life.’

RUSSELL: Thank you! Is that from an ancient Sufi text?

DR CHAWLA: No! Jack Kerouac.

MUSIC18: HINDI SUNRISE – FADE DOWN WHEN JOURNAL SPEAKS.

JOURNAL: Later that morning, Russell rode out on a wide road heading towards China. Just as he –

RUSSELL: Didn’t I get rid of you?

JOURNAL: (
Aside
) God no! You were in a malarial stupor. I’m still here. Going strong!

The sun rose like an orange ball. Farmers tended to their fields, woman fetched water in big silver pots and children played by the road … covered in filth. As Russell climbed over the imposing Karakoram range and crossed the border into China he knew that the (
make sure you say this
) rest of this trip, would be very, very different – BANG! SSSSSS.

MUSIC: HINDI SUNRISE

RUSSELL gets a puncture. He deflates then looks up at the audience.

CHINESE WOMAN: Hello. You want girl?

She make a ‘fucking motion’ with her hands.

RUSSELL doesn’t know what to make of it.

TONI: Hiya, Russell!

RUSSELL: Toni! What are you doing here?

TONI: Goin’ to Beijing. With you.

RUSSELL: What?

TONI: Sometimes you’ve got to follow your feelings … and your horoscope. Actually, did you know –

RUSSELL: Toni! I’m not interested. You’re a hypocritical, two-faced, obnoxious –

TONI: Takes one to know one.

RUSSELL: – new age …

TONI: At least I know who I am.

RUSSELL: Offensive … sexy …

TONI: (
smiling
) Yes?

RUSSELL: … bag of …

MUSIC: INDIAN ROMANTIC

RUSSELL: … beauty.

TONI: Shall we …?

JOURNAL: Twelfth December. The bike swayed as the wind swept down from the Forbidden City across Tiananmen square. Mao’s face looked like an yellow onion …’ Hang on.

MUSIC: END

JOURNAL: What’s going on Russell?

RUSSELL: What do you mean?

JOURNAL: You’re in Beijing. Your last entry was the Chinese-Pakistan border 22nd November. How could you possibly cover 4878 kilometres in three weeks?

RUSSELL: I had tail wind you see and –

JOURNAL: What route did you take?

RUSSELL: The 785.

JOURNAL: That isn’t a highway. It’s a bus –

RUSSELL: Special shortcut … not listed on maps. We –

JOURNAL: We? Who is we?

RUSSELL: Toni. She’s my new –

JOURNAL: I thought we agreed there was no room for the fairer sex.

TONI: Piss off ya gobshite before I use you for toilet paper!

JOURNAL: Russell?

RUSSELL: (
Pause, then slowly
) Well … it’s like this –

MUSIC: FUNKY BOLLYWOOD.

i
‘Beat me with a donkey, Victor!’

ii
A freelance correspondent

iii
Apologies to Ms Murphy. She doesn’t really look like that. To be fair, I have a head that looks like a squashed potato

iv
This figure is now over 20 million

v
See the back of this book for a detailed list

vi
Also known as Churchill’s Sneeze. In 1921, Winston Churchill, after quite a number of drinks in Cairo, apparently drew an erratic borderline for Jordan and Saudi Arabia

vii
In 2012, India has the highest number of road fatalities in the world, at over 130 000 per year

viii
The 2010 National Tiger Assessment estimated the total population of tigers in India as 1706

ix
From the neem tree – azadirachta indica – used for medicinal purposes

x
Australian commercial television is some of the worst television you’ll ever see in the world

xi
Edward G. Robinson was famous for playing tough cigar smoking gangsters and his drawl

xii
Alas, this breath of fresh air was not to continue. In 2011 the WHO listed New Delhi as being in the top ten for the most air-polluted cities in the world

xiv
Actually, they all look a bit like the Liberal politician, Julie Bishop.

xv
2012 – Oh, I laugh now!

xvi
A sad, pessimistic robot from Douglas Adams’s
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

xvii
Fortunately, we would travel again some years later through Eastern Europe and Southern India

xviii
In 2010, there were nearly 80 000 hikers to the Annapurna Conservation Area

xix
The road is expected to be completed at the end of 2012

xx
Okay, okay Bec! I admit it! Noooo!

xxi
In October 2010, Major General Yaqub Ali Khan of the Pakistan Rangers decided that the aggressive aspect of the ceremonial theatrics should be toned down

xxii
Julian Clary – a flamboyant British comedian famous for his outlandish clothes

xxiii
In 2010, the very basement we were sitting in was blown up in a terrorist attack, killing 35 people

xxiv
Yes, I had done something terribly wrong. Months later she would fall in love with someone else. I spent the next two years trying to win her back. Stupid brain!

xxv
Incidentally, The Hood’s evil voice was that of the Australian actor Ray Barrett

xxvi
For those not familiar with Flash Gordon – Ming the Merciless was the villain in the 1934 comic strip

xxvii
The origins vary according to different minority groups

xxviii
An Australian in China
by David Bonavia

xxix
http://www.travelchinaguide.com/cityguides/lijiang.htm

xxx
In 2007, UNESCO threatened to take away the listing due to over development

xxxi
Polyandry is not as widespread as it used to be and it was usually brothers that would share the same wife

xxxii
It is believed that Hilton has incorrectly translated Shangri-La from the Tibetan word Shambala – “a spiritual land of peace and perfection”

xxxiii
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2006/jun
/01/china.travelnews?INTCMP=SRCH

xxxiv
In Australia, to stack can mean to ‘crash’

xxxv
In recent years, this figure has swelled to 4.7 million. Beijing has the world’s worst traffic on par with that of Mexico City. IBM ‘Global Commuter Pain’ (2010)

xxxvi
Dinking – an Australian colloquialism for giving someone a lift on your bicycle

First published by Penguin Group Australia in 2004
This edition published in 2012 by Momentum
Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd
1 Market Street, Sydney 2000

Copyright © Russell McGilton 2004, 2012
The moral right of the author has been asserted.

All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

A CIP record for this book is available at the National Library of Australia

Bombay to Beijing by Bicycle

EPUB format: 9781743340561
Mobi format: 9781743340691

Cover design by Greg Nelson
Cover photo: Rebecca Gosling and Graeme Wiggins
Maps and profile images: Graeme Wiggins
Edited by Hayley Crandell
Proofread by Sarah Hazelton

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