Body on the Stage (34 page)

Tony continued through the list.
Dennis was fairly certain he’d done nothing to deserve a nomination
and was relieved when the final winner was named. The Hedgehog was
deemed to have had the greatest effect on the audience and Warwick
sheepishly mounted the steps to claim his trophy. He waved the
small gold-painted paddle aloft to thunderous applause then bowed
low with a flourish.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen,”
said Tony, “the crew of
Ladies Night
is proud to present to
you our own version of the successful show you’re all familiar
with. While we get ourselves ready, our resident seamstress and
raconteur Clara-Jane will entertain you with some poems and
stories.” He handed her the microphone, then grabbed it quickly to
say “Back soon!” and hurried off.

The red velvet curtain came down
and Clara-Jane took up her position in front of it, lit by a circle
of light from the follow-spot.

Dennis relinquished Cathy’s hand
and left the auditorium to go backstage to change.

Once the first performers were
ready and standing in the wings, Clara-Jane finished her piece and
came off.

The lights went out, and the
curtain rose.

Jessica stood centre stage,
suddenly lit by the follow-spot. She raised her right arm and
pointed up towards the bank of lights on the right, but nothing
happened. She added a flourish, a wave, then jumped up and down
waving with both hands until the lights came on. Breathing a
dramatic sigh, she raised her left arm and pointed. Nothing. She
looked at the audience. She extended one finger in a vigorous
salute towards the lights and they came on. Everyone cracked up.
She completed the introductory sequence and left the stage. The
room went dark.

A sudden shout and loud thud
sounded. When the follow-spot came on it showed Fenton and some
rope arranged in a tangled heap on the aisle floor beneath the hole
in the ceiling. Wearing the yellow fireman’s coat, he struggled to
his feet. “I’m OK,” he called, and limped convincingly towards the
stage. He did a bit of comic business struggling to lift his feet
in their heavy boots up the steps. Then as ‘Burning Down the House’
rang out over the speakers, he stripped off his clothing to reveal
a skinny, pale, and hairless chest that had all the girls in the
audience yelling “Put it ON! Put it ON!”

In the wings, Dennis had
butterflies in his stomach and a horrible feeling of doubt. Could
he do this? More importantly, could he do it well?

When the lights next came up
Jack Matherson was walking across the stage in full police uniform.
He shielded his eyes against the glare and peered into the
audience. They hushed, wondering if this was an official
announcement.

“Sorry to interrupt your
entertainment,” he began, his deep voice solemn. There was a
silence so complete that a siren was heard going past outside. “I
have reason to believe…” his fingers strayed to the top button of
his jacket, “that there have been some inappropriate activities
going on here tonight.”

“No, nothing like that,” called
out a voice.

“Certainly not!” yelled
Jessica.

“Well in that case,” he undid
his buttons slowly, “let’s see if we can liven things up!”

To the strains of ‘You Can Keep
Your Hat On’, Jack peeled off his dark blue tunic, then ripped the
sleeves off his pale blue shirt and sent them flying into the
audience, all the time moving sensuously to the music. The rest of
the shirt followed, to massive applause. Then he pretended to take
a call on his radio. “Sorry folks, got to run. Crime never sleeps.
Mind how you go!” He made a quick exit, laughing.

“That’s all I could get away
with,” he said to Dennis. “Can’t be seen to bring the uniform into
disrepute. Your turn, mate. Break a leg!”

Dennis walked out into the
blackout and stood centre stage with his back to the audience.

The follow-spot lit up his white
coated figure and a murmur ran through the crowd.

“Who’s that?”

“Can’t tell. Wait till they turn
round.”

As the first notes of ‘Doctor
Doctor, Give Me the News’ rang out, Dennis spun around and gave
them his best smile. A stethoscope hung round his neck, and a
syringe projected from the top pocket of his lab coat. He even had
a laminated ID card with his name pinned to the coat.

He launched into the routine
that Cathy had devised for him, putting everything he had into the
moves. His new trim body was athletic and graceful, and her dance
moves suited him perfectly. He jumped off the stage and ran over to
Erica, checking her ample chest with his stethoscope. He pretended
to jab the syringe into Clara-Jane’s bottom. Across on the other
side, he allowed Gert to slip the coat off his shoulders, revealing
pale green scrubs beneath. Back up on stage he kicked off his
footwear and lost the top half of the scrubs, showing off his
smooth tanned chest.

“Whoo-hoo!” cried a voice. “Look
at the body on the stage!”

He stripped down to satin boxers
printed with the stars from Grey’s Anatomy. The crowd was going
wild. He beckoned to Cathy, calling her up on stage. She shook her
head, laughing, but he insisted.

Once she was standing beside
him, half cringing at the attention, he pulled a small box from a
hidden pocket and went down on one knee in front of her. The
audience screamed.

He could see that Cathy assumed
it was all part of the act, until she looked at the ring, and saw
the emotion in his eyes. Her own eyes widened in surprise and
delight.

The crowd faded into oblivion.
They were alone on stage together. Cathy took the ring, whispering
her acceptance into his ear as he rose and kissed her tenderly.

To a barrage of whistling and
stamping they held hands and took a bow, then ran off stage left to
celebrate the beginning of their new lives together.

THE END

****

This ebook is licensed for your
personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given
away to other people.

No reproduction without
permission unless for review.

All characters in this
publication are fictitious, with the exception of the late ‘Howard
Daniels’. I promised at his funeral that I’d write him a heroic
exit scene.

All criminal events and
characters in the book are completely made up and I can say hand on
heart that I have never encountered steroids in any gyms.

This edition designed by

www.thebookcoach.weebly.com

Cover model – Todor Ivanovich,
North Shore Leisure

Thanks to my fellow scribes in
the Mairangi Writers Group for laughing in all the right places in
the fortnightly instalments. (Meet the group at
www.arrestingprose.blogspot.co.nz .)

Thanks to Jenny Harrison for
being a thorough and helpful beta reader, and to Shauna Bickley for
editing and proofing to a fine polish. Sorry if I let any stray
‘thats’ get through!

Thanks to various staff members
at North Shore Leisure for expert advice and encouragement, also
Jacquie Dale for the nutrition advice at the end of the book.

This one’s for my big-hearted
brothers-in-law,

Dan & Lou. You’ll know
why.

The Theatre Royal is safe now
after her $6 million refit, but there are many theatres round the
world in imminent danger of demolition if their communities fail to
protect them. Next on my list to support is the glorious old St
James Theatre in Auckland.

***

You’ve probably seen ‘before and
after’ photos of pudgy white people clutching newspapers to prove
the date, paired with unrecognizable photos of the same people
looking impossibly muscular, tanned and confident. I have to admit,
I was deeply sceptical when my husband decided he was tired of his
middle-age spread and that we should both tackle the Bill Phillips
Body for Life Challenge.

We bought the book, invested in a
set of weights, cleared the pantry of forbidden food, and embarked
on the exercises. To my astonishment it actually worked!

The eating plan is simple to
follow and can be tailored to your own preferences. You’re allowed
one ‘free day’ a week to eat whatever you like, which is useful if
you need to attend social events where food is a priority. We found
that after three or four weeks we didn’t actually want pizza or
ice-cream any more – our tastes had changed.

When his weight loss slowed with a
month to go, my husband went to see Jacquie Dale, a nutritionist
who tweaked his eating plan just enough for him to reach his target
weight – and we’ve been using that plan ever since. I asked her to
provide some weight-loss tips for readers who might be inspired by
Dennis’s story to make their own personal
transformation.

Jacquie Dale is the director of
Real Nutrition, Takapuna, Auckland.
www.realnutrition.co.nz

So what are my tips for successful fat loss?

Drink more water, keep a food diary and start weight
training.

Researchers from the Virginia Tech
College of Agriculture and Science conducted a 12-week study to
demonstrate water’s ability to promote weight loss. Professor
Brenda Davey found that dieters who drank two glasses of water
before meals consumed up to 90 fewer calories during each meal and
lost more weight than dieters who did not increase their water
intake. Water will also keep your body systems, including
metabolism and digestion, working properly and give you the energy
necessary for exercise. Exercise helps increase blood flow to your
cells. Your blood carries nutrients from your food around your body
to nourish your vital organs. Exercise helps with immunity and
keeps your detoxification systems functioning well. Another upside
to exercise is that it builds muscle too, which helps us burn more
fat. Remember, you don’t need to do ‘boot camp’ at the gym for
successful weight loss. Light exercise can be great for killing the
desire to eat.

Start a Food Diary

A good way to re-learn healthy eating is to keep a
food diary for a week or two. Most of us are surprised when we look
at what we really eat and drink, as opposed to what we think we
eat. It is easy to forget about the extra helping we had for
dinner, the large latte we had for morning tea or the wine we drank
at dinner.

Keep tabs on your alcohol

When your goal is to lose weight, calories count and
two big glasses of wine could add up to 400 extra calories. If your
body doesn’t use these calories in the evening they will be
converted to fat. Use smaller wine glasses and drink less often.
Try to halve your normal intake. Sometimes just being aware of how
much or how often you are drinking is enough to bring about a
positive change.

Get stronger

You cannot tone a muscle, you can
only build it or strengthen it. If your body looks soft and saggy,
it’s the fat on top that gives it that look. You may have lost
muscle size in that area as well if there is not much firmness
underneath. Doing high repetitions with light weights will only
give you more muscle endurance - it won’t change your appearance.
If you are currently doing 20 or more reps with light weights,
start lifting heavier and aim for anywhere between 6 and 15
repetitions. Your body will only respond by you placing higher
demands on it, so if you can easily lift a weight 15 times, put the
weight up and aim to get stronger. Your body will start changing
when you aim to get stronger.