Blurring Lines (6 page)

Summer 2004

Age 17

Mackenzie

May 5
th
, 2004

Almost two years had passed since I saw Cade Mathews, and I was beginning to forget what he smelled like. I tried to make myself remember but it was hard because there were so many men – so many men – with so many different scents.

Alcohol, tobacco, sex, filth, grime, aftershave, sweat …

I didn’t think I would be able to pick Cade out of a crowd anymore.

My feelings were dead. Sometimes I wondered if I was dead. I could have been … except my heart was still beating and my lungs kept refilling.

I couldn’t remember what my life had been like before the nest.

I didn’t want to remember.

Remembering wouldn’t help me here.

Accepting this for what it was would help me ...

The crack of a whip against my bare skin caused me to still.

“Pretty sunshine,” Master whispered in my ear. “Don’t let me down.”

I obediently dropped to my knees – like all the others – with my head bent and my hands tied behind my back.

And then I waited.

I waited just like all the others to be picked.

It wouldn’t take long.

I was always picked first.

And I was always shared.

The second I felt fingernails dig into the back of my scalp, I clenched my eyes shut and used my memories to create the mirage that kept me alive.

These were Cade’s hands on my body.

This was Cade touching me.

This was Cade entering my body.

What was happening to me was okay because it was with Cade.

Cade was my master …

“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”

Cade.

“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”

Cade.

****

Cade

July 28
th
, 2004

Emily McAllister asked me to go to the movies with her during lunch yesterday, and I said yes.

A huge part of me felt like I was betraying Mackenzie by going out with Emily, but the survival instinct inside of my body demanded I go.

It was the same survival instinct inside of me that demanded I stop living in the past and move on.

The case was closed last month, which meant the cops had given up hope that Mackenzie would be found.

I reckoned everyone had.

I missed Mackenzie so damn bad though, and I didn’t want to give up on her, but it had been over two years and I was so goddamn lonely …

****

Autumn 2004

Age 17

Cade

September 21
st
, 2004

“What are you doing after school today?” Ezra asked as we walked down the hallways of Preston High.

“Nothing much,” I replied quietly.

“Do you wanna go the movies with me?” he asked. “We could invite Rita and Emily – make a night of it?”

“Nah.” Reaching my locker, I tapped in my code before grabbing my trig textbook from the top of the pile. “I might head down to the creek and …”

“And what, Cade?” Ezra demanded, suddenly furious, and slamming my locker door shut. “Jesus Christ, dude, she’s gone! It’s been over two years. When are you going to get that?”

He looked me dead in the eyes, “You’ve got to stop torturing yourself like this.”

The only reason I wasn’t kicking Ezra’s ass right now was because I knew he was saying this shit because he cared. He was the one who’d found me with a rope down at the creek last Christmas. He just wanted to help me.

But he didn’t fucking get it.

None of them did …

“She has to be out there,” I hissed, low enough so the students passing us in the hall couldn’t hear. “People don’t just vanish into thin fucking air, Z.”

“Cade,” Ezra said with a weary sigh. “You’ve spent the last two years fucking rotting away and wasting your life. You need to
live
.”

Throwing an arm around my shoulder, he whispered, “Emily is fucking nuts about you, dude. Your
girlfriend –
the most beautiful girl in the school
–
adores you, you lucky bastard. She’s living, she’s breathing, and she’s
here
. In the flesh. Maybe you should focus on Emily or let someone who really cares have a fucking chance with her.”

“I’m trying,” I confessed. “I am.”

But I couldn’t help it.

Losing Mackenzie felt like I’d lost a limb …

****

Mackenzie

October 5
th
, 2004

“Sit!” the tall man with the black beard and ice-gray eyes ordered.

I didn’t look to see what the others were doing.

I simply dropped to my knees, bowed my head, and placed my hands behind my back.

“Excellent,” Master purred, pulling on my chain, before rewarding my good behavior with a slice of apple. Kneeling at his feet, I gratefully ate from his hand, forcing my body to block out the smell of urine and sex from his fingers.

The sound of girls sobbing, wailing and begging filled the room. I wished they would shut up. They would only bring trouble down on all of us. There was no point in begging. We were slaves. We had no rights. We were lower than dogs.

If they wanted to stay out of the cells, they needed to learn that, and learn it quickly.

****

Summer 2005

Age 18

Cade

May 5
th
, 2005

Emily and I had sex last night.

After ten months of dating, she wanted a commitment from me, so I compromised by giving her my virginity. Sex was nothing like I thought it would be. It was nothing like the movies or magazines. Sex was awkward and clumsy, and condoms were a lot fucking harder to use on your fully erect dick than a banana in sex-ed.

I felt dirty today – like I did something really bad.

I knew why, but now I had to get up the courage to say goodbye ...

I walked down to the creek rather than taking my bike. It felt more personal this way – a proper goodbye. And even though almost three years had passed since that fateful night I still found the spot where Mackenzie and I had kissed just as easily as if it had happened yesterday.

Sinking to the ground, I wrapped my arms around my knees and took a steadying breath. “I miss you, Kenz,” I whispered into thin air. “I miss your hair and your smile, and those freckles on the bridge of your nose. I miss your smell and your laugh and the way you used to say my name. I miss everything that we were and everything we could’ve been …”

Pressing my forehead against my knees, I forced the next few words from my mouth. “But I have to let you go now.” The words tasted bitter on my tongue but I needed to do this or I would never be able to move on with my life. “I’ve been dating Emily for a while now ... and it’s starting to get serious. Please don’t hate me for moving on …” 

****

Mackenzie

May 6
th
, 2005

Mary was dead.

I found her body in the ‘medical room’ downstairs in the basement when Master sent me to check on her
progress.
She was gagged, her hands were bound to the table and she was lying in a pool of her own blood. I think I lost what tiny piece of my sanity that was left when I saw what was hanging lifelessly between her legs.

I never knew Mary was pregnant.

Master said that it was Mary’s own fault for not taking the medicine he gave us. But that’s what Master said about Caitlyn, Barbara, Denise and Letitia …

Now it was just Hannah and I.

I was frightened.

I didn’t want to die on the table like the other girls, but I didn’t want to refuse my medicine and get sick either.

I was a weak person. I was rotten inside. I had to be because I didn’t fight like the others girl. The other girls fought back, and I took my clothes off and did everything Master and his friends demanded without pause or hesitation. I did everything I was told, so I could stay out of the holding cells. Because most of the girls who went into the holding cells never came back out.

I must be bad inside – evil.

Master’s friends praised me and took turns with me, and I did as I was told.

What was the matter with me?

Why was I not fighting back?

“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”

Cade.

“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”

Cade.

****

Winter 2005

Age 18

Mackenzie

November 25
th
, 2005

Something strange was happening.

I had never been taken out of the nest before tonight.
Never.
I hadn’t been in a car since the night they took me from Cade, but I’d been in a car tonight.

I think I knew where I was.

I think I was back in Alabama.

I didn’t understand why
Master had taken me out of the nest. I didn’t understand what was happening or why we were inside this hotel room, but I didn’t dare ask.

Instead, I remained motionless on my hands and knees with my head bent and my mouth gagged. Master and his friends continued to mock me and whip my naked skin with chains. Master had placed a collar around my neck and was walking me around the room. He called me his bitch. They called me his whore. I blinked away the tears that were filling my eyes and thought of Cade …

“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”

One man dropped to his knees in front of me and thrust his penis into my mouth.

“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”

Another man grabbed me from behind and forced his penis into my anus.

“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”

Pain coursed through me and I gagged as tears streamed down my face.

“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”

Another man pushed roughly into me.

“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”

This was my breaking point.

I couldn’t do this anymore.

I couldn’t ... and then something started to happen to me.

For the first time in three years I started to fight back.

I began to scream and I didn’t stop. I bit, kicked, screamed and scratched at the men forcing me.

The men cursed and hit me, but I didn’t stop fighting them. I would rather die here on this hotel room floor than take another minute of their abuse. Now I knew why Mary took the beatings. Now I knew how she felt. I, too, would rather die than be treated like this.

I would rather
die
than be repeatedly
raped
...

The door of the hotel room burst open and loud roaring and commands deafened me.

The men released me and I collapsed on the floor before quickly rolling into the fetal position.

“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”

“Can you tell me your name?” someone asked me – someone with a kind voice and gentle hands.

I couldn’t remember my name.

“Pretty sunshine.”

“Where do you live, honey? What is your address?” the voice asked.

I lived in the heat. The hot, blistering heat …

“The nest.”

“Can you give me a name of a relative?”

A name …

“Anyone you can remember?” the voice persisted.

“Cade,” I whispered.
Cade … Cade … Cade …

“Good,” the voice coaxed. “What’s Cade’s full name, honey?”

“Don’t regret me … because I won’t ever regret you …” 

“Cade Mathews.”

“It’s her,” the voice said excitedly. “Jesus Christ, Burke, it’s
her
. It’s Mackenzie Moore.”

A blanket was placed over my naked body and I slowly opened my eyes.

“We’ve been searching everywhere for you,” an African-American police officer with a kind smile told me. I realized that she was the owner of
the voice
.

“We thought we lost you years ago, sweetheart.”

****