Blurred Lies (The Blurred Series Book 1) (6 page)

Did he seriously just ask me that? I can’t
stop
thinking about it. Well, at least I can’t stop thinking about it when I’m not with Ryan.

Ugh
. This whole situation is already making me feel guilty, and I’ve not even done anything wrong.

BabyDove94 says: Yes, I have.

OffLand18 says: It’s turning me on, thinking of you on top of me. Let’s pick up where we left off. Tell me how you feel right now?... Physically.

Oh no. What should I say to that? I don’t want to sound silly, but he told me he doesn’t want me to feel embarrassed with him.

Embarrassed is my default setting, it seems.

BabyDove94 says: My cheeks are warm.

OffLand18 says: You’re embarrassed.

It’s a statement rather than a question.

BabyDove94 says: Maybe…

OffLand18 says: You’re too cute, but please just relax. You know me, Dove. You know I’d never tell anyone about our conversations and nothing you could say to me should make you feel embarrassed or ashamed. I know this is a new development for us, but I can’t help myself with you. I need more. I want more with you.

BabyDove94 says: I want more too.

I can’t put into words how I feel about my friendship with Land. We’ve been a part of each other’s lives for so long; it hardly even feels like we’ve never met in person. I wish we could be together, right now. I need him more than ever after everything that’s happened, but I don’t want to become dependent on him. I fear it might already be too late for that.

OffLand18 says: Have you ever touched yourself?

Oh, my God!
Don’t freak out.

I don’t know how to handle this, but I know I want to see where it’s going. I’m twenty-one years old and never had a lot of attention from guys. I’m so inexperienced, it’s pitiful. I need to start living a little, even if it is online.

BabyDove94 says: I can’t believe we’re talking about this right now!...Yes, I have.

OffLand18 says: Fuck, that’s hot, baby. Do you make yourself come?

BabyDove94 says: Maybe.

OffLand18 says: Will you come for me?

What!?

BabyDove94 says: What!?

OffLand18 says: Just hear me out. Let me tell you how to touch yourself tonight. If you do as I say, you’ll have the best orgasm of your life.

I can’t do this.
Can I do this? I’ve never been with a guy. Not like that. It’s really kind of a sorry state of affairs.

BabyDove94 says: Ok, I’ll do it…but I’m nervous.

OffLand18 says: Don’t be nervous. Just get into a position where you can type and touch yourself. I need to know how I make you feel while it’s happening. You need to be able to respond to me.

I can’t believe this is happening.

I turn the main bedroom light off so that the only light illuminating the room is the small lamp beside my bed, since it got dark out a while ago. I position the laptop so I can see the screen and type whilst…you know.

Here goes nothing.

BabyDove94 says: Ok, I’m ready.

OffLand18 says: Good. What are you wearing right now? I need to know so I can imagine removing your clothes from your beautiful body.

Okay, then.

BabyDove94 says: Skinny jeans and a T-shirt.

OffLand18 says: I want you to unzip those skin-tight jeans that hug your perfect ass and thighs, and slowly wriggle them off. Then I need you to take off the shirt, and your bra. Now tell me what you’re wearing?

I slowly do exactly as he says, and man is it making me hot all over
. 
I like that he’s telling me what to do. Apparently I like bossy. I suddenly don’t care if he tells me to touch myself or not. I need to, and will do it, with or without him.

BabyDove94 says: White lace panties.

OffLand18 says: Lace? Naughty. Now touch both of your breasts and play with your delicious nipples until they’re hard for me.

BabyDove94 says: They’re hard already…and really sensitive.

Was that the right thing to say?

OffLand18 says: Perfect. You’re already turned on for me. Now, slowly slide one hand down your stomach until you reach your panties. Play with the edge of the lace along your hip bones and thighs until you can’t bear it. Then dip your hand inside and tell me how wet you are for me.

I could spontaneously combust right now; I’m so worked up, just from his dirty words. Who’d have thought innocent little me would like dirty talk?

Once again, I do exactly as he asks, and it drives me wild. When I can’t bear not to touch myself, I slip my hand into my panties and move my middle finger down and back.

BabyDove94 says: I’m so wet.

Do I sound stupid? I probably sound so stupid, but I kind of don’t care one bit right now.

OffLand18 says: Fuck baby. I’m so fucking hard for you right now. I wish I could feel that tight, wet pussy.

BabyDove94 says: I wish you could, too.

OffLand18 says: Do you want me to put my fingers inside you? I bet they’d slip in so easy right now.

BabyDove94 says: God, yes!

I’m automatically talking like he’s with me in the room, and it almost feels like he is. This is exciting. I’ve never been so spontaneous before, and I think I like it.

I
really
like it.

OffLand18 says: Do it and pretend it’s me, baby. Slide one of your fingers inside for me.

I do as he says, moving my middle finger back down. It gently slides in to the knuckle.

“Ahh!”

Shit!
I let out an involuntary moan of pleasure then slap my free hand over my mouth to muffle the noise. God, I hope no one heard me; it would be too embarrassing for words. I’m getting so carried away in this moment - in how Land is making me feel - I almost forget where I am. I don’t even know if Nate came home yet.

OffLand18 says: You like that don’t you, baby?

BabyDove94 says: Yes. It feels so good.

I caress the hardened nipple on my left breast as I continue playing down lower with my right hand, awaiting further instructions.

OffLand18 says: That’s so good. I’m imagining you sliding on my hard dick right now. You’re so amazing. Now I want you to remove your finger and slide it to your clit. Massage it for me in small circles. Imagine I’m on top of you as you’re doing it. Imagine I’m the one making you feel everything.

Oh, God.

I do as Land says.

“Hmm,” I whimper as quietly as I can, unable to keep completely silent in the midst of the most pleasure I’ve ever had. I massage the pearl of nerves, slowly at first, and try to imagine Land on top of me. 

What I see is a naked torso of lean muscle. A Celtic tattoo writhing over me. I look up into beautiful, green eyes and realize that it’s Ryan. The vivid image of Ryan moving over me, as I move my fingers on my most intimate place, makes the pleasure build exponentially until I can barely stand it.

I feel something happening low in my belly; a tight curling sensation, like a spring coiled to capacity in need of release. I automatically hold my breath, which intensifies the feelings stirring in my body.

OffLand18 says: Imagine I’m deep inside you right now. Come for me.

With those words, the tight coil explodes into stardust. I close my eyes and see nothing but white light. My entire body is trembling. My skin is tingling all over, and it feels incredible.

“Ahh, yes, Ryan!” I cry into the silence of my bedroom.

My eyes flash open and I, once again, clasp a hand over my mouth and glance at the door, saying a silent prayer that Nate is still out and Ryan is asleep and did not just hear that!

Did I really just have an orgasm imagining Ryan?

Coming down from the intense high, a feeling of guilt suddenly washes over me. Guilt that I touched myself whilst chatting online (and liked it), guilt that I enjoyed Land’s filthy words, guilt that I imagined Ryan’s body moving over me when Land asked me to imagine his and, worst of all, guilt that I could enjoy the most intense pleasure of my life just a week after both my parents died.

What kind of person does that make me?

I feel the anxiety clawing its way up to meet me, and hot tears burn my eyes.

What am I doing?

BabyDove94 says: I’m sorry. I have to go.

I quickly shut down the laptop and leap from the bed. I hastily put my pajamas on and rush to the bathroom to clean up. Once I’m done, I stare into the mirror and watch the tears fall from wide eyes.

Who am I?

After I pulled myself together enough to go back to my bedroom, I read a text from Nate, saying he’d be late home; something to do with work. I responded to say that was fine, so he wouldn’t worry.

I’ve been back in my room for a while now and heard the front door about ten minutes ago. Nate didn’t knock to check on me, because I turned all of the lights off before crawling into bed, so he probably thinks I’m sound asleep. 

I wish.
I’m far from it. 

Now I also feel guilty for leaving Land the way I did. I’ve nearly logged back on several times to apologize, but can’t bring myself to face it just yet. 

It’s going to be a long night.

* * *

I’ve been laying here for what feels like a lifetime. I’ve tried to read in an attempt to relax my mind, to no avail, tried counting sheep, and I’ve tried thinking about the novel I want to write to occupy my brain enough to stop this feeling inside me. Nothing is helping me find the relief of sleep and I’m starting to feel desperate.

I even faced Land and logged back on to apologize, but he wasn’t there, so I left a message that I hope he will see the next time he’s online. I explained that I was upset with myself and that it’s not his fault, and that I’m sorry for leaving the way I did after…everything. That was about an hour ago.

It’s 1:00am now. I feel completely alone in this dark room, and all that’s occupying my mind is how much I miss my parents. My mom always knew what to do when things went wrong, or when big things happened in my life. It’s ironic that she’s not here to help me with the biggest and most wrong of things. 

They’re really gone.

I try so hard to hold the tears back. I’m so tired of crying, but the tears burn my eyes and I can’t help but let them fall, soaking my pillowcase for another night. I bury my face in my pillow, trying to muffle the sounds of my sobs that I can’t seem to control. I don’t want Nate hearing me and worrying, and I don’t want Ryan to hear and think I’m emotionally unstable. 

You are.

My sobbing becomes more controllable after a few minutes, and I’m able to cry silently. It’s then that I hear my door click open softly, like someone is sneaking in. I see a tall figure enter, but I can’t tell if it’s my brother. The alternative is just ridiculous.

“Nate?” I say in a voice constricted by tears. The figure comes closer to my bed. He leans over and the moonlight streaming through a gap in the curtains illuminates his features just enough for me to make out his face. “Ryan? What-”

“Shh, Natalie, it’s okay.” He strokes his fingers through my hair; a soothing gesture. “Move over for me.”

I do it automatically, not thinking about why he’s here or what he’s doing, and he climbs into the bed in nothing but his basketball shorts. He pulls me into his chest and I sob for a different reason;
relief
. Not having the weight of loneliness, whilst I deal with all the other emotions running through me, is invaluable.

He lets me cry into his firm, warm chest for several minutes, whilst gently stroking my hair and telling me it’s all going to be okay, and I eventually start to believe him. I feel, not for the first time, that maybe I don’t know this Ryan, at all.

“
I’m so sorry, baby,
” I think he whispers as I finally drift off to sleep in his arms.

* * *

I wake up the next morning, alone, and feeling fairly refreshed in comparison to any other day in the last week. There’s no blaring music this morning, which I’m thankful for, but I also feel a little sad as it might mean Ryan isn’t in the kitchen cooking us breakfast again.

I am so not analyzing that thought.

Despite my emotional breakdown last night, I’m feeling slightly better this morning. I could put it down to Ryan sneaking into my room to comfort me in the middle of the night, but I’m going to credit expelling toxins via my tears and a full night’s sleep, instead. I can’t grow emotionally attached to Ryan in any way. There’s just too much potential for more turmoil there, which I can’t afford to expose myself to.

After my morning routine in the bathroom, I dress in a yellow summer dress that makes me feel pretty, and spend the rest of the morning unpacking and organizing my bedroom. I unpack the boxes of books, knickknacks and photos, placing them around the room to make it more homely.

When I reach a family photo of me, Nate and our parents, I feel tears threaten to spring from my eyes, but I push them back down and hug the framed memory to my chest. I say a quiet,
“I love you,”
before placing it in prime-position on my bedside table.

After I get done with unpacking, I feel an intense need to speak to Land, or at least see if he’s responded to my late-night apology. I don’t like feeling that things are weird between us now. So, setting my laptop on the desk, I tentatively log in and feel a little flutter of nerves.

OffLand18 is offline.

You have 1 new private message.

From: OffLand18 at 06:33am

Baby, please don’t apologize for anything. It was too soon. I was insensitive and I honestly feel like I took advantage of your emotions last night. None of it is on you. I’m the one who’s sorry. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope you are feeling okay today x.

I don’t know how I got so lucky to find a friend like him. From what I’ve heard, men aren’t typically so attuned to women’s emotions, and they don’t often apologize when the woman has a freak-out on them. I say,
“From what I’ve heard,”
and not,
“In my experience,”
because I really don’t have much experience with men. A couple of boys in high-school - yes, men - not so much.

Thus far, my experience with men seems to be going quite well. Ryan the boy was an asshat - Ryan the man is proving to be just the opposite. And I don’t know what Land was like as a boy, but the man is sweet, caring and kind. He’s my best friend, and I never want that to change.

“Natty?” my brother’s voice calls from the living area, snapping me from my thoughts. I wasn’t expecting him home. It’s around lunch time and I assumed he’d be at work until this evening.

Approaching the living room, I see Nate setting out plates and sandwiches on the breakfast bar.

“What’s all this?” I ask with a mixture of surprise and cheer in my tone.

“I felt bad not seeing you all day yesterday. I thought I’d come home for lunch with you. They do the best sandwiches ever at the café next door; you have to try ‘em.”

“Thanks, Nate. You’re such a good big brother,” I say with a smile as I sit at the breakfast bar.

Nate sits next to me with a small smile, placing a bottle of squeezed orange juice in front of me, and I see he has an apple juice for himself; our respective favorites.

“We’ve got Spanish chicken and chorizo over here, the BLT special here, ham and pepper jack cheese there, and this one is turkey, cheddar and coleslaw,” he says, pointing to each sandwich he’s placed on the counter. I also notice a couple of bags of chips among the feast. This is way too much food for two people.

“Are we expecting Ryan for lunch?...I mean, you know, ‘cause there’s so much food here,” I ask hesitantly, unsure of what I want the answer to be.

“No, I just thought I’d get a selection. They’re all so awesome, I couldn’t decide, and I also didn’t know what you’d be in the mood for. That café also has the best flapjacks ever. There’s like five different flavors. I usually grab one with a coffee to go in the mornings.

“Go ahead and grab whatever you want, Little N. You can have a bit of everything if you want.”

Grabbing a half of the chicken and chorizo, half of the BLT and some chips, I take my first bite, humming my approval. Nate takes half each of the other two sandwiches with some chips and does the same.

After finishing the first bite, a thought springs to mind, “So this place sounds amazing, and their food’s so good. Is it super packed all the time, or is it a quiet place? I bet it’s really busy.” The café sounds nice, and it’s so close to home, it could be an ideal place for me to get a real job so I can pay my way. I’m hoping Nate doesn’t sense that I’m trying to scope it out as a place to work. He’ll probably just tell me I don’t need to work, but I do need to and I really don’t want him enabling my reclusive ways any longer. It would be good for me to have something outside of this apartment. Maybe I could make some friends in the process. I certainly can’t live online forever.

“They stay pretty busy throughout the day, I think, but it’s not heaving with people. It’s not a prime location for foot-traffic, but word-of-mouth keeps the customers coming around. The staff there are real nice, too. I’m there so often, we’re on a first-name basis,” Nate says with a chuckle, taking another huge bite of his sandwich.

“So do they hire new staff often?” He’s totally going to know I’m fishing for information now. I take another bite and hope he thinks I’m just curious.

“They’re looking for someone right now, actually.”

I leave the conversation there, not wanting to make it any more obvious that I’m interested in the job. Maybe I can head down there when Nate goes back to work and ask about the position. Once I actually have a job, I won’t have the option of Nate allowing me to rest on my laurels.

* * *

After we finished lunch and put the leftover sandwiches in the fridge, Nate headed back to work, telling me he’d probably be home around 7:00pm. I told him I’d cook dinner tonight, wanting to do something nice for him...and for Ryan. I figure I’ll go to the store down the street to pick up the ingredients for my specialty - lasagna.

I’ve been sitting on my own in the living room for the past half-hour, trying to muster up the courage to head down to the café and ask about the job Nate mentioned. I feel a little sick. Meeting new people on my own has always made me feel anxious, but I can’t ask for Nate’s help, because he’ll just let me make excuses to not do it. He’d wrap me in cotton wool if he could.

Just as I’m starting to talk myself out of doing it at all, the front door clicks open. It’s Ryan. He hasn’t noticed me tucked up on the huge couch yet, so I enjoy the view as he checks the couple of pieces of mail sitting on the entryway table.

“Hi Ryan,” I say with a small wave in his direction when he turns toward the living room. He moves out of the entryway, putting a gym bag down as he goes, and he’s looking sinfully sexy in a tight white T-shirt and snug blue jeans. 

“Nat, hey, I didn’t see you there. What’re you up to?” he asks, coming over and plopping down on the other end of the couch. He puts his arm on the back of the couch and my gaze is instantly drawn to his tattooed bicep.

A throat clears and I realize I may have been staring...again.

Embarrassing.

Pulling my eyes away from his body, I try to sound unaffected, “Uh, nothing, just considering something.”
Nailed it.

“Oh yeah? Anything I can help with?” he asks with that smirk on his handsome face.

“Um...probably not,” I mumble, nervously. I don’t want to tell Ryan I’m too chicken to go ask about a job in a café on my own. That would be humiliating (you know, because I’m a grown adult and all), so I try a distraction. “Where have you been this morning?”

Hello! He just put a GYM bag down, dumbass.

“The gym - this kind of perfection takes work. 

“Try me.” He brings his hand from the back of the couch to my knee, which is tucked up to my chest, in a comforting gesture. My distraction tactic didn’t work, not that I had much hope that it would. I keep forgetting this Ryan is so much different to the one I used to know. Maybe I can trust him not to laugh at me for this.
Unlikely.

“Well...I just… Nate mentioned that the café next door might be hiring, and I was considering going down there to ask about the position.”

“Calli’s Café? Okay, so what’s the problem? You don’t have to get a job, if you don’t want to, but if you do want to, then go ask about it.”

He makes it sound so simple. I wish it were that simple in my own head.

Why isn’t it?

I guess I have no choice but to tell him why I haven’t gone down there yet.

“I’ve been trying to talk myself into having the courage for a while now,” I say quietly, averting my gaze in an attempt to hide my embarrassment.

“You’re nervous? Are you scared they’ll turn you down?” He sounds genuinely curious about what’s holding me back, so I continue.

“Yes and no. I have no experience at all, so I’m kinda scared they’ll laugh in my face. But mostly, I’ve just never been good at meeting new people. I’m pretty awkward in social situations... Shy, I guess. It’s one of the reasons I did college online. I can’t ask Nate to come with me, he’ll just tell me I don’t have to do it, and so I won’t do it. I need to get out more,” I say with a self-deprecating chuckle, when this is anything but funny to me.

“Okay, so how about I go down there with you? I’m practically family in that place, so that’s bound to help your chances of getting the job.” The grin Ryan gives me makes me feel a little better about the whole situation. Maybe he could help me with this one step I need to take.