Blue Sky Days (24 page)

I didn’t know what to say. Up until that point, I was sure Nicholas had been telling me what he thought I wanted to hear about how he felt, and now I knew I was right. He was probably trying to protect me from the truth, figuring I was worried enough about him without having to know how he truly felt, not only physically, but emotionally as well. I knew he must have been feeling awful, because he wasn’t the type to indulge in self-pity.

“I’m so sorry, Nicholas,” I said, gripping his hands tighter and trying to meet his eyes, which were now averted. “You’re right, it isn’t fair. But I don’t ever want you to hide how you’re really feeling because you think that’s what I need. We talk about everything else, this should be no different. I want to help you through this in every way possible, and talking about your side effects and how you’re dealing with everything might make you feel better. I know it’ll make me feel better.”

Nicholas nodded his head and finally met my gaze. He had the same look in his eyes as the day he first told me he had cancer—a mixture of guilt, fear, and sorrow. After that day, I was sure he had learned he didn’t need to keep things from me, but I wondered now if I’d been wrong.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I promise from now on, no more keeping stuff inside. I’ll tell you about each and every side effect I have, even if it’s just a headache.” His smile was half-hearted but genuine, as if it took more effort than he was able to expend to smile fully.

But when he winked at me, I felt comforted by the familiar gesture. He switched the positions of our linked hands and took a turn rubbing my hands to keep them warm.

CHAPTER 15

Each day was so much like the one before, they started to blur together. Time passed so slowly it felt like the whole world stood still, getting us no closer to the end of Nicholas’s first three weeks of chemo.

It was a sharp contrast to summer, where the days had also blurred together, but in a wonderful way with each day being more amazing and fun-filled than the last. I had never wanted the summer to end, but now I found myself wishing the time away, willing it to hurry, even though I cherished every second I spent with Nicholas.

I visited the hospital every day as Nicholas continued his chemotherapy. Sam, Daisy, Vince, and Maggie came as often as they could, and we were able to bring Nicholas home again for the weekend after his second week of treatments.

We spent our two days of freedom mostly at his house with the others coming and going for visits. Even though we weren’t able to go anywhere or do much because Nicholas didn’t have the energy, I could see in his face and his body language that he was relieved just to be away from the hospital.

Near the end of the third week, Doctor Roy ran some tests on Nicholas to see how the chemotherapy was working and to check Nicholas’s blood levels. We were packing up Nicholas’s things on the Friday, getting ready to go home for the weekend, when Roy came in carrying a thick folder.

“Hey, you two,” he said, stopping to stand a few feet away from us, his face serious. “I’m sorry to put a damper on your weekend, but I just got your test results back, Nicholas. I thought you would want to know.”

“Yeah, thanks Roy. How’s the chemo working?” Nicholas asked hopefully despite the look of distress on Roy’s face.

“Well…” Roy said slowly. “It’s not working as quickly as we’d hoped. Your white blood cell count is still abnormally high. There’s no need to worry too much about it though, because we’re going to try what’s called combination chemotherapy, which is a combination of two drugs that will specifically treat the form of leukemia you have.

“These treatments are even more extensive than your current method of chemo, and…” Roy paused to tug at his tie, loosening it from his neck. “Well, the unfortunate news is we’re going to have to check you into the hospital indefinitely. You won’t be allowed out on weekends anymore.”

Nicholas’s smile vanished and the air left his lungs with an audible whooshing sound, leaving his shoulders slumped. He had been feeling the effects of the chemo so acutely he was sure it had to be working. He would tell me when something bothered him, and share his fears and pain with me, but for the most part he’d been keeping a positive attitude, and I had been trying desperately to do the same.

When neither of us spoke, Roy cleared his throat and said, “I’m really sorry guys, but it’s the only way. I’ll need you to be back Sunday night this time, and we’ll start treatments Monday morning. I don’t know what else to tell you other than to make this weekend count since you don’t know when you’ll be out again.” He looked from Nicholas to me and back again, then turned to leave after attempting a reassuring smile that looked more like a grimace. This wasn’t easy for any of us.

I turned back to Nicholas and searched his face for any sign of what he was feeling. I wanted to say something, wanted to embrace him, but there was a part of me that was afraid of how he would respond at that moment. Because of that, I wanted him to throw something or scream or do anything other than stand there with his expression carefully blank and his eyes straight ahead.

When none of that happened, I finished packing his stuff, got his wheelchair, and pushed him out to my car for the drive home.

*****

Nicholas spent the entire ride back to Riverview sitting stony-faced, his head turned toward the window. I had learned by now that if he was silent, there was a reason for it; he would never intentionally shut me out. Silence was his way of processing things, but it put me on edge and made me tense.

By the time we turned onto Daisy’s street, Nicholas had relaxed visibly. He turned to me and attempted a small smile. “Sorry,” he said. “I know you don’t like it when I…” He waved a hand in a vague gesture that I assumed encompassed his tendency to become quiet when things were especially difficult.

He took a deep breath as we pulled into the driveway and I parked the car. “I think the initial shock has worn off. I’m still having trouble accepting this, but…it is what it is.” He shrugged, and in that moment I knew he felt completely helpless, just as I did.

I reached for his hand and cupped it with both of mine. “I know Roy’s news wasn’t what either of us wanted to hear. And I know you were hoping the chemo was working and that maybe this would be the end of it, rather than the beginning of more treatments. But we’ll get through this Nicholas. You’re so strong. Every single day, you amaze me with your strength.”

He lifted my hands and pressed them to his face, closing his eyes. He looked so weary it broke my heart. The last three weeks had felt like three months, and now with new hurdles thrown in front of us, it meant more seemingly endless days in the hospital.

“For the next two days I don’t want to talk about any of this. The cancer, the treatments, the hospital. Let’s just forget about all of it.” His eyes were pleading when he opened them to look at me. “I know I don’t have the strength to do much, and we can’t do the things we did before I got sick, but I just want two more days to pretend I’m normal before I’m stuck in the hospital for god knows how long.”

I nodded my head, my throat too tight to speak. I ran my hands over his face, which was rough with stubble, and leaned in to press my lips to his. The chemo had made his mouth and lips so dry that he didn’t initiate much kissing anymore, but he made it a point to kiss my face and hands and neck whenever he could to make up for it.

We were home earlier than expected, and when we went inside we found a note on the kitchen table from Daisy. It said if we beat her back to the house, she would be home soon and Sam would be with her. Nicholas called Vince and Maggie to invite them over so we could tell everyone about the new chemo treatments and not have to go over it again and again.

We were settled on the couch, both of us dozing off when I recognized the sound of Daisy’s car in the driveway, followed by the beeping of her car horn. “Stay put,” I told Nicholas.

I slipped my feet into my shoes and grabbed my jacket, then headed outside. Daisy and Sam were opening the trunk of the car, and I could see a dozen or so grocery bags inside. “Sam, why don’t you leave that for Daisy and me and go on inside.”

Sam and Daisy froze simultaneously, as if my words had paralyzed them. If I hadn’t been so bogged down with worry, I might have found their in-sync reactions almost comical. Sam straightened from the trunk and met my eyes. I had tried to keep my voice light, but somehow he knew something was wrong. Without a word, he moved past me, touching me briefly on the shoulder before disappearing into the house.

Daisy opened her arms and I walked into her familiar, comforting embrace.

“I don’t know how to keep doing this, Daisy,” I said, tears prickling my eyes even though I had promised myself I wouldn’t cry. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to help him through this.”

Daisy drew back and held me steadily by the shoulders. “Of course you’re strong enough,” she said fiercely, her own eyes glistening with moisture. “You’re going to give him all you have, just like you’ve been doing, and when you don’t think you’ve got anything left to give, you’re going to dig deeper and somehow find more strength. That’s what we’re all going to have to do.”

I nodded. As much as it scared me, and as hard as all this was, I needed to hear those words, and to know Daisy believed in me. I could tell Nicholas anything, but I didn’t want to tell him how terrified I was, especially now that we knew the treatments weren’t working.

I inhaled deeply and nodded my head again, smiling gratefully at my aunt. “Thank you,” I said. “Mags and Vince are coming over and we’re going to tell you what’s going on. We wanted everyone to be here. I just wanted to give Sam and Nicholas an opportunity to be alone for a few minutes since they might not get much of a chance the rest of the weekend.”

“They’ll appreciate that,” Daisy said, smoothing my hair away from my face. “We can take the groceries in and get dinner started while they talk.”

An hour later when Maggie and Vince arrived, dinner was ready so the six of us sat at the dining room table. Everyone was eyeing Nicholas expectantly, and when I nodded to him, he took a deep breath. “The chemo’s not working as the doctors had hoped.” He paused, as if letting this news sink in. I glanced around the table and saw everyone darting worried looks at each other before turning back to Nicholas. “I’m going to be starting more extensive treatments—something called combination chemotherapy. Roy is hopeful that it’ll kill the cancer completely, but until then I won’t be able to leave the hospital.”

Everyone started talking at once, making comments and asking questions, but I silenced them by raising my hands. “Guys, guys. We know this is upsetting, and it’s not the news we were hoping for after three weeks of treatment, but because this is Nicholas’s last weekend out for a while, he just wants to enjoy it and forget about the cancer.” I laid my hand over his on top of the table and saw Sam do the same on the other side of him. “Please just give him that. Help us make this weekend a good one, something he can hold on to.”

Everyone nodded and murmured agreement. Maggie gave a little sniffle from across the table, and she was biting her lip, but the tears that were shining in her eyes didn’t fall. I reached for her hand with my free one and held on tight.

“We could go for a long drive tomorrow night,” she said tentatively to Nicholas, her voice wavering slightly. “I know you can’t be around people, but we’ll be inside the car and it would be an outing at least.”

“That sounds perfect, Mags,” Nicholas said, smiling at her gratefully.

“Well, since half of us are holding hands anyway, we might as well all join hands and give thanks for this food,” Sam said.

And with that, it was as if we all made a silent pact to honour Nicholas’s wishes not to mention the cancer for the next two days.

****

Nicholas went home that night, and Daisy, Maggie, and I had another girls’ night complete with junk food and movies. I wasn’t able to unwind as much as I had at our last sleepover party, but it was still enjoyable and I appreciated the effort from Daisy and Maggie to keep me busy.

Everyone congregated at our place around noon the next day. Nicholas looked rested even though he was still pale and seemed to have permanent dark circles under his eyes. I made a quick lunch of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, and we all sat in the living room, talking.

Before the sun set that afternoon, Vince, Maggie, Nicholas, and I went for a drive. We headed in the opposite direction from Maltonville, and just drove aimlessly, winding down country roads. We found a quiet diner after it was too dark to enjoy the scenery, and sat in a secluded corner, the four of us huddled close together around the small round table.

We were home before ten o’clock, and Nicholas spent the night with me. On Sunday morning, he woke me before dawn. “I want to watch the sunrise with you,” he whispered, stroking my face as I fought to wake up from a deep sleep. I was about to protest and say it was too cold, but before I could get the words out, Nicholas said, “Please, Em?”

I sighed and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. He was looking at me with such a hopeful expression, I didn’t have the heart to say no. We dressed in our warmest clothes, including gloves, scarves, and a hat to cover Nicholas’s bald head, and I grabbed an armful of blankets. When I plucked my car keys from the front table, Nicholas said, “Let’s walk. It’s not that far and I need to move around.”

I looked at him steadily for a minute, part of me hoping he would change his mind. When he didn’t, I put my keys back and we headed out the door. “This is insanity, you know,” I said as we cut across the yard to follow the river to the park.

“It’s an adventure,” he said, grabbing my hand. I had to laugh at that; he sounded so much like his old self.

The morning was cold, and our breath rose into the air like wisps of fog before disappearing into the semi-darkness. We reached the park just as the last few stars were winking out in the sky and the horizon was beginning to turn pink.