Blue Moon (22 page)

Chapter Thirty-Four

Vivianna

It’s dark. I don’t know where I am.

I shouted for Logan, but I didn’t hear my own voice. Then he called my name and I raised my arms, a gun tight in my hands. I had no idea where the weapon came from, or when.

Nothing made sense.

Logan walked out of the shadows, but his face was…wrong. His mouth and nose were elongated. A snout.

The gun went off.

He looked down at the red stain growing in the center of his T-shirt. He lifted his head, and his face was Logan again. “You killed me.”

He crumpled to the ground, and I screamed.

“Anna. I’m right here. You’re all right.”

I winced, pulse racing. “Logan?”

His arms tightened around me. “It was just a dream.”

My breath hitched as I glanced over my shoulder. We were still in the tub. Logan was fine. It was all a nightmare. “I thought I shot you.”

He shook his head. “Nope. We left the Glock at Adam’s.” He smoothed my hair back from my forehead. “We should get out of here so you can rest.”

The thought of trying to sleep again had my hands trembling. “I don’t think I can.”

“Then we’ll stay up all night.” Logan got out of the tub and came back with an oversize towel. He took my hand and helped me to my feet. As I stepped out, he wrapped the towel around my shoulders.

“Thank you.”

He walked me into his bedroom. “You don’t need to thank me. I’m your mate. I’m supposed to be here for you.”

I put on one of his T-shirts and sat on the edge of the bed. “I thought I was ready for all of this but…”

My words died away. I wasn’t sure where I was going with the thought. Reality was still warped, and tough for me to wrap my head around.

Logan’s fingers entwined with mine. “I wish I could turn back time and get there sooner tonight.”

“I killed someone. I watched him die.” I swallowed the bitter emotion choking me. “He was unarmed, and I pulled the trigger.”

Logan shook his head. “He was shifting. He cut Lana with his claws. He was definitely armed.”

“I’ve never been afraid for my life before. Not like this. His face looked…and then the wolf. It was you.”

He nodded slowly. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to ease into my world.” He pulled his hair back with his free hand. “If I could just be a human guy for you, I would.”

“No.” Tears welled in my eyes as I slid my hand away from his. “This is who you are. You were honest with me like I always hoped you would be, but…” I stood up, my chest burning. “But this is too much. I thought I could handle it. That loving you would make me strong enough for men who turn into animals.” My voice wobbled. “Tonight I realized I had no concept of the fear or the anger or the pain. I…”

I lifted my gaze to meet his eyes, hating myself for what I was about to do. “I think I need to step back, for my own sanity.”

He got up, taking my hands in his. “We can get through this. Lean on me, Anna. I’m not going anywhere.”

I struggled to blink back the tears.
“You said I’m human. I still have a choice.”

“Please don’t do this. You told me you chose to love me.” The pain in his eyes twisted me up inside.

“I thought I knew what that meant. But tonight…it got real. I’m not cut out for this world, Logan.” I moved away from him. “Look at us. Your eyes are almost swollen shut, my hands are shaking, and I may never sleep again. I can’t live like this.”

He stared up at the ceiling, crossing his arms over his broad chest. Why couldn’t love be enough? Every part of me hurt.

Finally, he met my eyes. “Promise me you won’t make any decisions yet, okay? I’ll take you to Madison’s and leave you alone for a while. But I swear on my life, I don’t think I can give you up. Not again. Never again.”

“You need a mate like Sasha or Lana, someone who can face battles and life or death choices, and be there for you.”

“You saved them all, Anna. I know right now you think you’ll never get past seeing the life fade from his eyes, and hearing that final breath, but I swear, you will. You’re stronger than you know.”

I rubbed my hands down my face. “If I stay, that probably won’t be the last man I see die. What if it’s you someday, or me? What if a monster like that comes for our kids?”

“What if I never have children? What if I never live because I’m too afraid I might die?” He shook his head. “We can make ourselves crazy with these questions, and I don’t have answers. All I have is this…I love you, Anna. And that won’t change even if you decide to walk away. My heart is yours forever. All I want is to see you happy.”

I rushed to his arms, clinging to him as I surrendered to another wave of tears. He held me tight, like he had for most of my life.

And slowly, I was pulling away.

…

Silence was our third passenger on the drive up to Madison’s place. What could I say? I’d thought I could handle Logan’s secret. And maybe I could live with the lying, but the reality of his world was a whole different story. I stared at my hands. They were clean now, but a few hours ago, Damian’s blood was on my skin.

I glanced at Logan’s strong profile, memorizing every angle. A few hours ago, he was a wolf with blue eyes.

He pulled in to the driveway and turned off the engine. When he turned to face me, the hurt in his eyes burned in my chest. “I wish things could be different.”

I nodded. “Me, too.”

He took my hand. “You have my number. I guess I’ll wait for you to use it.”

“I wish I could tell you everything will be fine.”

A sad smile curved on his lips. “I wish for plenty of things.”

I leaned in and kissed his cheek, breathing his scent into my lungs one last time. “I do love you, Logan.”

“Then don’t do this. We can get through anything together.”

I searched his eyes as tears welled in mine. “Being together means living in your world with the Pack and Nero.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I can’t face that right now.”

He let go of my hand and gripped his steering wheel, staring straight ahead. “I’ll stay away.”

I got out and watched him drive away, every part of me aching. When I came inside, Madison was sitting at the kitchen table with Levi. She frowned. “Vivi? What’s wrong?”

“Sorry. I didn’t know you have company.” I turned for my room. “I’ll be fine.”

A few minutes later there was a soft knock on my door. “Vivi? Can I come in?”

I sighed, wiping my face. “Sure.”

She came over and sat beside me on the bed. “Levi went home.” She tucked my hair behind my ear. “What happened?”

I stared at my best friend and realized I couldn’t tell her. I’d have to lie. Again. “I don’t think I can be with Logan.”

A crease formed on her brow. “Why? You were so happy at the concert yesterday.”

Oh God, I’d never been so happy.

“There’s more to Logan than his music.” I looked at my hands. “And I can’t love only parts of him. I have to be able to embrace all of him, the dark and the light, and…” I lifted my gaze to her face. “I thought I could.”

She hugged me, and I clung to her. I hadn’t told her about Chandler abducting Luke. Would her brother ever tell her about his new secret life? Would she get sucked into this hidden world full of danger and life and death choices?

“Did you break up with him?”

Her simple question shook me. I pulled back, shaking my head. “Not yet.”

“But you’re going to?”

I shrugged, another tear spilling down my face. “I can’t imagine my life without him in it.”

“But at the same time, you don’t want to be in
his
life. You just want him in yours.”

Was that it? Was I that selfish? I sighed. “Honestly, I just need some time to think and figure things out.”

She nodded. “Okay. I’m declaring this week to be man-free.”

I sniffled, chuckling. “I saw how you were looking at Levi. You don’t need to do that.”

She waved her hand. “He’ll live.” Her smile softened. “He’s actually a really great guy.”

I smiled. “You deserve no less.”

“Neither do you.” She patted my hand. “Tomorrow after work, we’re getting manicures and pedicures. I’ll make the appointment.”

“Thanks.”

“That’s what friends are for, right?”

She left the room, and I stared at myself in the mirrored closet door. A manicure seemed almost as foreign as a man turning into a wolf.

I was straddling two worlds, and I no longer fit in either one.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Logan

I was sitting in my parents’ restaurant staring at Chandler. Rounding out the circle surrounding him were my brother, Sasha, our Alpha, and General Miller Sloan. My mind was miles away. The memory of my final words to Anna kept echoing in my head, tormenting me.

It wasn’t “I love you,” or, “See you soon.” My last words were “I’ll stay away.”

How could Fate be so goddamn cruel to bring her back to me, to allow me to trust her with who I really am, and then, instead of happily ever after, I lose her. Again.

Fuck.

I struggled to focus on the task at hand. If Chandler was going to live, he needed to accept his new nature and help us keep it quiet. In the center of us, he paced the floor while Sasha tried again to make him understand.

“I spent the first year after I was bitten working for Nero because that bastard promised me a cure. I should’ve been figuring out how to live with my new reality. Instead I did things that still haunt me, all in the hope of regaining my old life.”

Chandler froze and stared at her. “Is there a cure?”

“No.” She shook her head slowly. “There’s acceptance.”

“No way. I don’t want to kill innocent people in a coffee shop.” He sighed and sat in the chair again. “When I get angry, it’s there—the animal. It’s primal.” He lifted his gaze to meet my eyes. “Vivi was scared of me the other night, and part of me liked it. The power was a rush.”

I sprang from my seat. “Don’t
ever
touch her.”

He didn’t back off. “Is she afraid of you, too?”

“Fuck you.” I rushed him, knocking him off the damn chair and to the ground.

“Enough.” Adam was on his feet. “Back off, Logan.”

Grudgingly, I returned to my spot in the circle.

He turned to Chandler. “We all feel the pull of the animal inside sometimes. It’s normal. You need to learn to control it, to communicate
with it. It doesn’t make you a killer, or even dangerous, it just means you have to work harder to keep your head than you used to.”

Sasha nodded. “You can still have the life you wanted, but once a month during the new moon, you need a safe spot, away from humans, to shift.”

“May I?” Everyone turned around at the sound of General Sloan’s voice.

He was the oldest in the room, but in spite of his silver hair, his body still rippled with power. Werewolves weren’t immortal, but we didn’t age like humans, either. Our bodies didn’t get frail, and arthritis never came calling.

There was a better than average chance that Miller Sloan could kick any of our asses if he had the opportunity. His uniform added to his presence. With his chin raised, he approached Chandler.

“As a commanding officer in the U.S. military, I’m here to inform you that if I ever discover you’ve leaked information about shapeshifters to the media, we will bury any record you were ever born. In the interest of national security, of course.”

Chandler raised a brow. “Are you serious? Since when have shapeshifting monsters been on the government’s radar? They know we exist?”

Sloan nodded. “I’m a werewolf. Part of the original Operation Moonlight. Our existence is top secret. Only those with the highest security clearance know about us.” He paused, allowing his words to sink in. “The military guards this secret, and you will, too, if you want to continue living as a free man.”

“So my choices are stick around, keep quiet, and learn how to accept this new reality, or be locked up and forgotten in some federal government facility?”

Sloan crossed his arms. “Basically.”

“What about my sister?”

“If you can trust her to keep your secret, then you can tell her.”

He pondered that for a moment. “And if I ever fall in love again…”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Adam interrupted. “First, we’ll help you get control over your new senses, and then we’ll work on the shifting schedule. Someday if you find someone, you’ll have to tell her the truth, and if you ever want a family, you’ll have to convert her.”

“That’s a nice way of saying I’ll have to attack her like Damian attacked me. No thanks.”

My mom came forward through the circle and offered her left hand. “This scar is a beautiful reminder to me. I wasn’t attacked. I chose to be a part of my husband’s life, and he gave me everything.”

Chandler pressed his palms to his forehead. “Okay. Can I get some time to think about this?”

“You’re past thinking about it, kid.” Sloan chuckled. “Either I take you now, or you give me your word you’ll work with this Wolf Pack and keep quiet about shifters. Decision time.”

“I won’t hurt anyone like the psycho in the coffee shop?”

Adam shook his head. “I’ll kick your ass personally before I let you anywhere near humans as a jaguar.”

Chandler nodded and glanced my way. “Have you bitten Vivi?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but no.” I narrowed my eyes. “You have to want this life. I’d never force it on anyone.”

“Well, I didn’t want it. I didn’t even know it existed.”

“No one is arguing with you.” Adam rested a heavy hand on my shoulder, keeping me in my chair. “What happened wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t right, but there’s no way to change it without a time machine. Your only choice is how you move forward.”

Chandler huffed out a humorless chuckle. “You’re seriously calling deciding between a comfy cell in a federal facility and keeping a huge, dangerous secret a choice?”

Sloan widened his stance. “No one said it was a great choice. But no one is hauling you away, either.”

Chandler lifted his head. “Fine. I won’t say anything about shapeshifters. Show me how to live like this.”

The tension faded in the room as Adam stepped forward. “Sasha has volunteered to mentor you, and as long as you stay in Reno, you’ll be protected by the Pack.”

I got up and walked out.

Anna’s ex would never be a part of my Pack. Not to me.

…

My dad followed me out to my car. “Logan, wait. We need to talk.”

I shook my head, opening the door. “Not a good time, Dad.”

He caught my arm, demanding my attention. “Luke told me what happened with Vivi. Is she all right?”

“No.” The pent up rage broke free. I slammed my door, growling. “She’s far from fucking all right. She killed a man, Dad. She’s scared, and she doesn’t want any part of this world. She asked me to stay away. And I’m honoring her wishes. Happy?”

My anger didn’t seem to faze him. He frowned and crossed his arms. “She’s your mate.”

Did he really think this was news to me? I wanted to scream, but the last thing I needed was for Adam and the Pack to come out and “help” me.

I was beyond help.

“Yes, she is. And if your next question is if this is tough on me, it’s the fucking toughest thing I’ve ever done. Can I go now?”

He sighed, his gaze drifting to the ground. “You
should
go. To her.”

“What?” It was like my father was suddenly speaking in a foreign language.

He took a deep breath and lifted his eyes. “You’re not a seventeen-year-old kid anymore, Logan. You only get one mate in this life, and she’s too precious for you to walk away.”

“I can’t force her to accept me.”

He nodded. “But that’s the thing. You told her everything, and she accepted
you
. It’s the danger she isn’t ready for. So take her away from it. Keep her safe.”

It took me a second to find my voice while my brain wrapped around his words. “Leave the Pack?”

“If that’s what it takes. You and Vivi have always been good together. How are you going to fill the hole without her?”

Then I noticed the fear deep in his eyes. He didn’t want to lose me to alcohol and a premature death like he lost his twin brother.

I cleared my throat, trying to dislodge the emotion choking me. “Would you have left the Pack for Mom?”

“Yes.” He didn’t hesitate. “I wouldn’t have liked it, but I would have done whatever I needed to so we could have a chance at the life we were destined to share. I’d sacrifice my security with the Pack to see her happy.”

I was stunned. The anger faded, leaving me with a pit in my gut. “I have a lot to think about.”

He clasped my forearms. I’d been raised with our traditional Pack greeting. I never considered I might miss it someday.

My dad pulled me into his arms, and I returned the embrace. Tight. When I stepped back, there were tears in his eyes. My chest tightened up.

“Talk to you soon.”

He nodded. “I love you, Logan.”

“Love you, too, Dad.”

The drive home was a blur. When I first realized Anna was my mate, I’d been seventeen and saw no way that I could care for her.

This time could be different.

I loved her. She was the other half of my broken soul. And together we really could face anything. Leaving my Pack, though, especially now that there was a good chance Nero would be coming back for revenge, would gut me.

But my mate needed me, too.

And I loved her enough to put her needs first.