Blood Shadows (33 page)

If Kane was telling her the truth, every principle told her she had to tell him the VCU were on their way.

But if he was lying…

She used the toilet and washed her hands before slumping onto the bath steps. The cool night air was refreshing against her skin as the breeze tunnelled through the small gaps.

There was only one way she’d know for sure and that was to look directly into Rob’s or Max’s eyes when she asked them. The only problem was, by then it would be too late.

She looked across at the door as the handle turned.

Kane leaned against the doorframe, gazing down at her with those beautiful navy eyes that captivated her so easily. As he sat down next to her, she turned to face him.

‘Let me out of here to confront Max and Rob. If you’re telling the truth, I’ll get the confessions out of them and I’ll go to the governing board. We’ll bring Xavier down that way. It’ll do him a hell of a lot more damage than setting the soul ripper on him. This plan you’ve got will point every finger in your direction. You will have every unit agent after you. It’ll be over for you. Xavier will still win. Vindicate yourself and vindicate Arana that way.’

‘And get it all cleared up by tomorrow night?’

‘It can be done if you let me go now. Because if you’re telling me the truth, I owe Xavier just as much for this as you do. I will see this through.’

‘You’re not going anywhere, Caitlin.’

‘I’ve done nothing wrong, Kane. You don’t need to make me suffer when there are alternatives.’

‘This has never been about making you suffer. But I am going to do this my way.’

‘And to hell with what happens to me?’ She exhaled curtly and moved to pull away from him, but he caught hold of her lower arm to keep her beside him.

‘What would you prefer, Caitlin? False promises like everyone else you know?’

‘And what then, Kane? When you get what you want: when you bring down Xavier and the VCU, the entire TSCD.’

‘This is about vengeance, Caitlin, not power.’

‘And you’ll just walk away?’

‘I will have done what I had to do.’

‘You’re not going to change your mind, are you?’

His gaze was steady. ‘No.’

The ache in her heart was all-consuming as she stared deep into his eyes. She wanted to tell him he’d regret it. She wanted to tell him that maybe in a matter of hours she’d be the only advocate he had. But it wasn’t the time for personal outbursts. And she couldn’t bear to look at him anymore. Because even then, even knowing the risk he posed to her and her family, she couldn’t help the pain in her chest. She had no option but to let them take him. Once she told them he knew about the soul ripper, they’d let her read him to find out how to kill it. It was the best she could hope for.

‘I was right the first time,’ she said. ‘You and Xavier are the same, using whoever you can to get what you want. Whatever justice you think you can assign to your actions, they’re embedded in the same justifications as his.’

‘Fine,’ he said, standing and stepping over to the door. ‘Believe what you want. It’ll make no difference.’

‘Don’t turn your back on me, Kane!’ she warned, following him out.

‘Turning my back on the great vampire hunter, hell no, we can’t have that.’ He turned to face her. ‘Despite the fact it’s been me protecting your arse the past seven years.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘What do you think it means? You think you would have survived this long without some protection? Especially when you took it on yourself to become a VCU agent.’

Caitlin exhaled curtly. ‘I’ve achieved what I have on my own merits.’

‘You’re good, Caitlin, but you’re not that good. Come on, do you really think you would have survived in the field this long without some help? Like I’ve said before, it’s no place for a girl like you.’

‘Is that what Jask meant by a no-touch policy on me?’

‘You’ve got bubbles bursting all over the place tonight, haven’t you?’

She couldn’t move for disbelief. ‘You bastard.’

‘Great – now I’m a bastard for keeping you safe.’

‘I am a damn good agent!’

He stepped up to her. ‘And you’re also impetuous and obstinate and yes, at times, fucking suicidal. You ran in after me, remember? You think under any other circumstances I couldn’t have snapped your neck within seconds? You’re a survivor because I needed you to survive. You go on about my arrogance, but I’ve got nothing on you if you think you could have done this without me.’

She stepped up to him. ‘I could have killed you if I’d wanted to. If I hadn’t needed you. Remember the hemlock in the handle? That could have been a lethal dose if I’d chosen it to be.’

He exhaled tersely, his hands loose on his hips. ‘Darling, you’re forgetting you only got that close because I let you.’

‘Honey, the only reason you’re still alive is because we had orders that you had to remain that way.’

‘Exactly,’ Kane said. ‘From Xavier. Ask yourself why.’

‘Because you’re a master vampire.’

‘Because he wants me. For power. How much do you want the truth to bite you on the arse, Caitlin, before you accept it? Your boss has used you, your stepfather has deceived you, your boyfriend abandoned you and your father caused the death of your mother. Those are the truths here.’

She stood there, unable to contain her trembling, unable to contain her tears any longer. And when he turned his back on her again, it was the final wound. She turned away from him and hurriedly wiped her tears away. She hadn’t even let her mother see her cry. Nor Max. Rob had been the last. And she’d sworn then he’d be the only. Once had been enough – an awkward and uncomfortable moment when Rob hadn’t quite been sure what to do with himself. So she sure as hell wasn’t going to let a vampire who clearly hated her see that part of her. She needed to get a grip. She couldn’t afford for him to see even an ounce of vulnerability. She pushed her hair back from her face before clutching on to the footboard for balance, her efforts to suppress her already silent tears constricting her throat.

And she flinched as his body touched hers, as his hand slid between her and the footboard to catch her hip, turning her towards him.

She shoved his hand away, but he turned her fully to meet him, easing her against him. She twisted away but his insistence was unrelenting as he pulled her against his chest. Caitlin struggled for a moment until it got too much – the pain and the confusion and the exhaustion tightening its grip until she couldn’t breathe. And as his insistent grip loosened, her anger morphed into despair. She didn’t want to sink against him, but her reluctant lack of fight gave her no choice. His arms were, ironically, a comfort, his silence calming, his head resting against hers the final act of tenderness that pushed her over the edge. And she sobbed. And as Kane stroked her hair, as she felt the strength and reassurance of his shoulder against her cheek, the hardness of his chest pressed against her, the gentleness of his hand on her neck as he held her against him, she let her tears dampen his shirt.

And despite knowing why Kane was doing it, she absorbed herself in his closeness because, for those few minutes, she needed more than anything to feel him there. Sobbing against him didn’t feel strange, even though it should have. It had been years since she had been held and comforted. But she knew why it felt so easy. And if she felt that comfortable being that close to him, that exposed to him, even after what he had said, she was in more danger than even she had been willing to acknowledge.

But luckily for her, years of practice had made distance easy, had made anger and frustration easier emotions, safer emotions. She pulled away, wiped away the dampness on her cheeks. ‘Oh, you’re good,’ she said. ‘Very smooth.’ And as she backed away, the void she’d created caused her pain to a point that terrified her.

It was perfect. That one act of her pulling away told him everything he needed to know. It was even more telling than how she’d curled into him to accept his comfort. She’d pulled away in panic, and there was only one thing that was going to evoke that response: her soul was ready for the taking.

It should have given him a kick of triumph but, to his annoyance, it didn’t.

And as she glowered at him, her eyes wary with trepidation, he wanted to pull her back to him and tell her how insulting her last statement had been. That all he had thought of when he’d heard her almost silent tears was of comforting her. And maybe if he’d told her that, it could have secured his goal.

But confessing the truth then would have been cruel. He clearly already had her. Anything more was unnecessary.

She was right to pull away. And he needed to forge that distance again – for her and for him.

It irritated him that holding her that close had made him wonder what could happen if he did play hero. It shouldn’t have even have crossed his mind because playing her hero meant letting those who had hurt his sister get away with it. That could not happen. Not for her. Not for anyone.

And for what, even if he did? He couldn’t be what she needed. Sexually, maybe. Intellectually even. But emotionally, no. She needed a deep connection, something he wasn’t willing to grant anyone. Not since Arana. Not since his heart had been torn out. He would see this through and then five, ten, fifty years from now, Caitlin would become a distant memory – just like the female he’d been with the night of Arana’s death. He owed his sister far more than some VCU agent. That had to stay forefront in his mind.

But still it simmered: how he could let Max and Rob go with a confession; leave the lycans in the detainment unit to rot; get them to drop Xavier in it first. But none of those things were sufficient justice for what they had done to Arana.

Not just because of the way he was feeling about Caitlin right then.

She had no life anyway, just a lonely and solitary existence based around work. And now even that had been torn apart; she wouldn’t trust anyone again. Her life was over anyway.

But she had fallen for him. The beautiful, brave, closed-off shadow reader had opened up to him. And he could never have softened to her more as she gazed deep into his eyes, her own resonating a deep and painful hurt. It was more than a physical attraction. More than just the thrill. She had seen something in him that she had liked.

And he couldn’t deny how he’d felt when she’d escaped – that excruciating emptiness of not having her there. But he couldn’t live like that. He couldn’t have her in his life when she’d started to mean something to him. He couldn’t have the pressure of worrying about her every day, of needing to protect her, of keeping her happy, of being what she needed him to be. For her to walk away one day when she realised just how damaged he was. Because he was damaged. He was too used to being on his own, of not feeling responsible for anyone, of doing whatever he wanted. Of keeping his finger off the self-destruct button only so he could make the people who had hurt Arana pay. And once that was dealt with, he didn’t know what was out there for him.

He had no place falling for Caitlin. Not for the girl whose self-preservation, even then, was astounding. Many would have given up faced with the things she was, but she was going to fight him to the bitter end. And because of it, one way or another, he was going to end up hurting her.

He needed to get out of there before he acted against his better judgement. He needed fresh air. He needed space from her. He needed to remind himself that she meant nothing. She was just a means to an end.

Her beautiful eyes narrowed in their distress. ‘What was going through your head as you saw me falling for you?’

‘Trust me, you don’t want to know.’

‘Why? Because if I finally see you for what you are, all your progress will be shattered?’

‘Because what is going on in my head is none of your business. I made it clear what I wanted you for. I fucked you, you were willing. That’s all there is to it.’

Caitlin drew back her hand and slapped him hard across the face.

He knew he could have stopped her. But he also knew it was justified. And the pain in her eyes at that moment was excruciating, twisting his insides and sickening him. He took a moment to compose himself then looked back at her. He couldn’t be angry with her or feel indignation towards her when she looked as startled and uncomfortable as she did. It had been an instinctive emotional response and one he could clearly see she hated herself for.

‘I guess I deserved that,’ he said.

Her eyes glossed, her lower lip trembling almost undetectably had he not become used to studying her so closely. ‘Do you really feel so little, Kane?’

He broke from the intensity of her probing gaze, from the need in her eyes. And he hated himself for bringing her to that. Out of all the questions she could have asked him, it was the one that pierced the deepest. And as he looked back into her heartbreaking eyes, honesty slipped from his lips before he could contain it. ‘Sometimes when I touch you it’s almost painful. Standing this close to you now just makes me want to consume you. It makes me want to forget my principles and intentions and just let myself go with you. And right now I’m feeling so close to the edge, it’s taking everything I have to stop myself throwing you down on the floor and forgetting every part of my plan just to have one moment as I really am with you. Only, sure enough, you’d hate me for it. You’d hate me for what I really am. So that’s why I can’t back down, Caitlin. For both our sakes.’