Blood Instinct (14 page)

‘Sounds serious.’

‘Can we go to my room?’

Alisha nodded.

Once inside, Sophia closed the door behind them. She hovered, knocking her fists together for a few moments as she tried to get over the awkwardness of raising it.

‘Soph, you’re worrying me. What’s this about? Has something happened?’

‘I think I need to sit down.’

The concern in Alisha’s eyes didn’t wane as she sat down on the mattress first and patted it to invite Sophia to do the same.

‘I’ve tried so hard,’ Sophia said, the second she joined her younger sister. ‘I’ve tried so hard to be better for him. Because he deserves it. More than anything, Jask deserves it.’

‘Okay…’ Alisha said, her eyes quizzical.

‘I really love him, Alisha. I mean I
really
love him. I know it probably sounds crazy me saying that after only a few days, but I know how I feel. He makes it so easy to love him – he’s good, kind, patient, selfless. And
so
smart.’

‘And not tough on the eyes either.’

Sophia met her sister’s gaze and smiled fleetingly at her smirk.

‘But it’s so much
more
than that. That’s the difference, Alisha. He makes me feel strong. He makes me feel better about myself in a way no other guy ever has. The way he looks at me, the way he believes in me, how he sees through all the faults to what lies beneath and wants to be with me anyway. I was such a bitch to him at the beginning, but he saw through all of that. He took the time to try and understand when others simply judge me. And he got it. He just got it. I never felt this until I was with Jask. Being with him is special. And that’s what makes it all the more noticeable.’

‘Makes what noticeable? Sophie, I don’t get where you’re…’

Sophia could barely say it. ‘I think I’m tainting it, Alisha.’ She held her sister’s gaze. ‘I think I’m tainting what we had. Worse, I think I’m tainting
him
. I’m scared that Leila’s right. I’m worried that what she said in the shower room this morning is true. I think it’s already happening. I’m going to fuck this up – I know I am.’

Alisha reached for her hand and squeezed, her eyes overflowing with worry. ‘Something
has
happened.’

Sophia nodded. ‘It was taking over just like Leila said it would. I’m going to hurt him, Alisha. I’m going to hurt us. Because…’

Her concerned expression switched to a frown. ‘Because?’

‘
She
was trying to hurt him.’

‘Who was?’

‘
Her
. It. The serryn.’

Alisha’s eyes flared.

‘I know,’ Sophia remarked. ‘I sound fucking crazy, don’t I? I feel crazy even saying it. But I could feel her there inside me. She was trying to incite him and there was nothing I could do about it. At one point, I didn’t even know what was the serryn and what was me. What the hell do I do?’

‘You need to talk to Leila.’

‘Shit, Alisha. Can you imagine? The last thing I need right now is an I-told-you-so. You know what she’ll say.’

‘This is sounding serious though, Soph. Does Jask know about what Leila said?’

‘No.’

‘You
still
haven’t told him?’

Sophia felt her hackles rise as she absorbed the guilt she had fought to suppress. ‘Told him what exactly? That we have to stop sleeping with each other? That we can never have sex again?’ She shook her head. ‘Tell him that he’s got to be, well, mates with his mate?’

‘If he loves you…’

‘But what if it’s not enough? And I can’t walk away from what I have with him. But what if I can’t risk staying with him either?’

‘Then reconsider. Talk to Jask about letting Leila go.’

‘And put her on the line? Put Leila on the line so I can be with him? Would
you
be willing to do that?’

Alisha shrugged. ‘I kind of did, remember?’

Sophia sighed heavily before moving back against the wall.

Alisha mirrored her, drawing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them before resting her head back against the wall to stare at the blank one opposite.

Sophia rolled her head away to stare at the door. She closed her eyes for a moment, as if she could make it all go away.

‘This is what she’s trying to help you avoid, Soph. She’s throwing you a lifeline. She’s giving you a chance.’

Sophia looked back at her. ‘Why is she so convinced she can do this?’

Alisha shrugged again. ‘Because she loves him.’

‘
How
?
Why
? He tried to
kill
her.’ She shook her head and stared at the wall again. ‘I just can’t believe that of all the men my sister would fall for, it would be Caleb Dehain. I mean it’s not like he’s some nice guy who just got the short end of the stick by being the chosen vampire leader. The guy was renowned as a hard-arsed psychopath even before then.’

‘He’s not that bad.’

Sophia stared back at her sister.

‘Okay, so there are glimpses,’ Alisha agreed. ‘And there was more than one occasion where my heart was in my throat when Leila was there with him. But then I’ve also got to know him through Jake’s eyes. I’ve seen how others are with him too. Caleb has a lot of respect amongst his own. I know some say it’s down to fear, but it’s more than that. Hade, who runs the club front of house for them, is devoted to him – to them both.’

‘People have been devoted to maniacal psychos throughout history, Alisha. It doesn’t make them right.’

‘No, but there are hidden sides to Caleb – Hade being a prime example. Caleb rescued him apparently.’

‘From what?’

‘Hade was the son of a con. When his father got transferred from the penitentiary into Blackthorn, his mother decided to join him from Lowtown, bringing Hade with her. Once his father learned she was more lucrative for other means than being his wife, he sold her and kept Hade as his personal punchbag. He was eight years old. From what Jake told me, Caleb came across him when a group of cons were kicking the shit out of him on the south-west border. His father had been watching for the entertainment of it – until Caleb intervened. None of them made it out alive.’

‘And that proves what exactly?’ Sophia asked.

‘That part doesn’t prove anything. But what’s interesting is that Hade spent the next four months turning up on the club’s doorstep day after day, offering to do anything from cleaning windows to toilets. Eventually Caleb relented. More than that, he took Hade in. He fed him, clothed him; he gave him a roof over his head. He also gave Hade something he’d never had: protection in a scary world. And in time Caleb started showing him the ropes. He gave him responsibility and, with it, his trust.

‘
That
’s the side of Caleb that rarely leaks out,’ Alisha added. ‘He’s hard to get close to. He doesn’t let people in. But Leila’s seen through it – just like you said Jask saw through you.’

Sophia frowned at the comparison but stopped herself from interrupting.

‘Leila’s seen something in Caleb, Soph. And whatever she saw, that’s what she fell for. We both know our sister’s no pushover. For her to have fallen for him, he has to have done something worthy of it.’

‘And what about him? You said in the shower room earlier that he cares about her. Is that really what you believe?’

‘Leila made it out of there alive, didn’t she? I know from Jake that she’s the only one, aside from the first, to ever escape him. Something happened between them in there; something that persuaded him to take a leap of faith with her. And I saw how Caleb was after she left. He missed her, Soph. I think he’s really missed her.’

‘Except now he thinks she’s betrayed him.’

‘So we have to give her the chance to tell him otherwise. All I know is that it was Caleb who told Jake to feed me his blood to ensure I was tainted so the serrynity couldn’t jump to me if you were already dead. Why did he do that? Why wouldn’t he keep all of his options open? I was his best chance if you were dead. So I believe Leila when she says she doesn’t think he wants this, however he feels about her. That’s our way in. That’s Leila’s way in.’

‘Or we send her in to be murdered by him and then he still comes for me, for this pack, except without the spell to change anything.’

‘Soph, I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I’ve got you both on the line here. But I know Leila wouldn’t be going back in there unless either she believed she could do this or because there truly is no other option. Just think about this – don’t dismiss it so easily. Jask means something to you. Jake means something to me. Caleb means something to Leila. Maybe we’ve all made the right choices even if we don’t see it in each other.’

Sophia raked her hands through her hair with a heavy sigh. It still felt wrong. Something deep in her gut couldn’t relent.

‘Look at us three, huh?’ she said. ‘Who’d have thought it? Three Summerton sisters all falling for the third species.’

Alisha broke a smile. ‘When they taught us about them in school, they used to refer to them like some kind of alien race, didn’t they?’

‘I know. I look back now and all I can see is how they wanted to reinforce our differences rather than have us focusing on our similarities. It was all just propaganda to maintain that segregation of “them and us”, generation after generation, to stop us questioning what was right and wrong. And not once growing up did I question it. I lapped it up and let it fester inside me until I convinced myself it was all true – that every statement was infallible.’

‘Until you met Jask.’

Sophia looked across at her. ‘Until I looked him in the eyes and realised there was no difference at all – not beyond the obvious physical stuff. This whole soul and shadow divide is bullshit. We’re no better than them anymore than they’re better than us.’

‘Which is what we’re going to fight to prove. I know you’re scared of making the wrong choice, but you’re not alone in this. Maybe this was how it was meant to be. After all, you wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for Leila falling for Caleb. You and Jask wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for them.’

‘But what if we’re not meant to be together? What if I wasn’t meant to survive that day? What if we’re causing things to go wrong?’

‘You believe that?’

‘The reason I believed all of those lessons when I was a kid was because it suited my life and my choices and my beliefs. What if I’m doing the same now? What if we all are? How do you ever know if you’re right?’

‘You don’t. But it’s easier to know what’s wrong. And what Sirius wants to do is wrong, Soph. That’s why we have to stop him.’

‘And what if we do? And what if by some miracle we stop this uprising too? Will it really make a difference?’

‘Surely we have to try.’

Jask opened the door, his shirt bunched up by his side.

Alisha glanced from Jask back to Sophia before easing herself up from the mattress. ‘I’ll leave you to it.’

J
ask’s clothes
had been splattered with blood, despite his hair and face seemingly having been washed clean from whatever had happened.

He’d left the door open behind him, either as an indication that he hadn’t planned on staying or because he’d resolved, after what had happened between them before, that it might make her feel more at ease.

Neither was an option she wanted in the equation.

He’d glanced at her as she’d remained sitting on the mattress, her back still against the wall, before turning away to strip to his shorts and replace his clothing with a black vest and sweatpants.

‘I’m going to get a workout,’ he’d declared, facing her again, his hands low on his hips, his azure eyes contrite. ‘How about you keep me company?’

Nothing could have made her say no.

Despite the conversation they needed to have burning inside her, it had been a relief to be in his company again without the pressure of having to immediately discuss the inevitable. She wondered if that’s what the workout had really been about: some breathing space in each other’s company.

Or Jask being equally reluctant to face up to what had to come.

Sophia sat on the pile of rugs that were no doubt dragged into position whenever they were needed to soften the blows during training.

The room was situated beyond the car park. The internal scaffolding had remained in place from whatever work had been in progress before the regulations had been put into place. The unfinished roof allowed the rain inside in places, the ripped sheets of plastic that should have prevented it instead crackling in the wind amidst their displacement.

The subsequent droplets glinting on the steel poles had Sophia’s heart in her throat several times as Jask leapt and swung from one to the other, but the water made no difference to his grip or his momentum.

Resting back on her elbows, legs casually splayed in front of her, she watched him as if she was back observing the pack’s training session at the compound, the games on the rear pitch. She’d been awed enough then by his speed, his agility, his quick thinking, not to mention his stamina, and had seen plenty more examples since.

But now, alone, witnessing his somersaults and backflips in the semi-darkness, his nimbleness as he crossed thirty-foot-high, three-inch-wide poles like they were regular beams in a gym, she was in awe all over again.

Muscles flexing, his limbs working in perfect collaboration with effortless power in every action, Jask Tao was an unstoppable force as he executed tricks she’d only ever seen the highest-trained gymnasts perform.

But for him, for his pack, these skills were not about performance – they were about survival. Which was why, even more impressively, there was silence in everything he did. He was almost impossible to hear except for the occasional creak of one of the poles under his weight against the backdrop of the flapping plastic.

More than ever, she knew that if Jask was in pursuit, you’d never see him coming.

And he was hers. The sexiest, kindest, gentlest, most attentive male she had ever met had chosen
her
. Mouthy, bad-tempered, socially awkward, baggage-laden, average-looking her.

And she was on the cusp of ruining it all. Ruining it because of the poison in her blood, the curse that was strengthening in her veins.

But she wasn’t giving him up. She wasn’t losing the best thing in her life. The serryn inside her was
not
going to steal him from her; was not going to spoil what they had.

It wasn’t going to win. And she wouldn’t let it hurt him. She couldn’t.

Swinging from the last pole, he dropped silently to his bare feet just a couple of feet in front of her, panting from exertion in a way she rarely saw, a hint of perspiration glistening on his skin and dampening his ruffled hair.

He tore his vest off over his head, using it to wipe the perspiration from the back of his neck, his chest and under his arms before casting it aside.

Jask stepped between her parted legs before falling to his knees between them, both palms hitting the rug either side of her shoulders.

As their lips met, she closed her eyes, absorbing the earthy scent of his skin, the coolness of his firm, damp lips that took control. And the loss as he pulled away again felt immense.

He rolled onto his back beside her, the arm furthest away from her above his head as he gazed up at the ceiling. He dropped his knee against hers to maintain contact as they both lay there, legs casually bent.

‘That’s twice now, Phia,’ he eventually said, turning to look at her. ‘Twice I nearly screwed up.’

As his blue eyes met hers in the shadows, her heart pounded as she found herself at the pivotal point of the conversation they had no choice but to have.

For his sake, they had to.

‘It’s not your fault, Jask. I know you’re blaming yourself, but it’s not your fault – it’s mine. There’s something else I should have told you. Something I’ve been holding back.’

As Jask’s eyes narrowed slightly, she swallowed harder than she would have liked. Her mind raced ahead to the dread of him walking away or, worse, seeing doubt in their relationship finally embedded in those compelling eyes of his.

‘Leila said sex summons the serryn in me.’ She could hear the tremble in her own voice. ‘And she thinks sex with you, with a lycan, is speeding up the process. It’s because you’re immune to serryns; it makes you a threat. I’m sorry, Jask.’ She dared to meet and hold his gaze. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.’

But instead of walking away, Jask rolled onto his side to face her fully.

‘I know,’ he said.

Her heart skipped a beat.

‘Or I suspected,’ he clarified. He sighed heavily and glanced away for a moment before looking back at her, the concern in his eyes adding to the weight pressing down on her. ‘But just as I incite the serryn in you, I think what is inside of you triggers the worst of me. Phia, I think the serryn is inciting the lycan in me.’

Her gut churned. She
was
tainting him.

‘It didn’t used to,’ she said, not wanting to accept it. ‘Jask, we were fine.’

‘But your serrynity is getting stronger every day.’

She sat up. ‘But maybe it’s just as much down to the moon, right? The blue moon? It’ll pass for you. It’ll get easier.’

He sat up alongside her, his arm braced behind her back, the feel of his forearm a painful confirmation of how much her heart would break if it was ever not there. ‘I don’t know for sure, but I doubt it.’

Her throat constricted, worse fear than she’d felt in a long time rising to the surface. Fear that made her want to bolt, to take control of the situation and run out of there.

But she would suppress it. She would contain it. She would have that adult conversation.

She swallowed against her parched throat as she walked the plank above the black, bottomless ocean beneath. She drew her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. ‘So this is
my
fault, isn’t it? You brought out the best in me and now I’m bringing out the worst in you.’

‘This is anything but your fault, Phia.’

‘It’s certainly not yours,’ she said, looking back at him. ‘She’s got between us, hasn’t she?’

‘No, she’s just trying to.’

‘But she did incite that part of you.’

‘Exactly: a
part
of me. A part that doesn’t define me. And I managed it. I will continue to manage it – just like I did earlier. But…’ He hesitated long enough for her to stop breathing. ‘But I think we need to pull back for the time being and lower the risk, at least until this blue moon passes. Even if it’s not the cause, it’s certainly not helping. I don’t want you at risk, Phia.’

She nodded, clinging on to the fact that he was still there; that he was still looking for options when she knew it would have been a hell of a lot easier for him if he just walked away.

‘And all we need to do is get through the next few days,’ she said, grasping for hope, ‘and then we’ll find a way to manage it. I don’t know, maybe we’re just going to need a week apart a month or something.’ It caught in her throat even suggesting it, but anything was better than the prospect of losing him. Of having him quit on them. ‘Plenty of couples survive long-distance relationships…’

His glimmer of a smile gave her more reassurance than she would have thought possible right then. ‘We’ve got a lot of other stuff to get through before then, Phia,’ he reminded her. ‘I don’t think we need to be worrying that far ahead.’

She nodded, knowing her panic would soon have her uttering even more nonsense unless she calmed her pounding heart.

She held his gaze as the seconds passed. ‘So it hasn’t made you reconsider what Leila said?’

‘Has it made
you
reconsider?’

‘I talked to Alisha about him – about Caleb.’

‘And?’

‘She was almost convincing me to concede, but I can’t get rid of this niggle of doubt.’

‘When Leila came back to see me this morning, she said the serryn would instil that in you. That it would want to cling on to you as its host and would use your insecurities and fears to do so.’

‘She said the same to me. But what if it’s not that? What if it’s
my
instincts telling me to hold back? This is still me, Jask. The serryn hasn’t taken over yet. Everything tells me it’s wrong to send her in, that we need to bring Caleb to us.’

‘But for as long as he continues to play coy, that’ll mean us invading the club. And that will give Sirius what he wants. We’re not at that point yet. But Phia, you know what the delay could mean in terms of accessing this opportunity. If we’re right in our suspicions, we both know the implications.’

‘And we know the implications if we make a mistake. Implications for us all. That’s why I need to know that you trust me. That we can trust each other.’

He tenderly cupped her neck. ‘I told you I’m not giving up on you. On us. And I won’t let what’s in me beat us. Just like I won’t let her beat us, Phia. We can handle this. The darkness inside of you might goad the darkness inside of me, but I love you too much to let either win.’

She let her gaze drop to his chest. She ran her fingers over his pec, down his side to caress his pack tattoo. ‘Me too.’

But she needed to ask. As much as it threatened to tear her heart open, she had to know. ‘Who were you with, Jask, earlier, when it happened? And this morning too.’ She looked up to meet his gaze. ‘Because I know you weren’t with me.’

I
t was
like an unexpected fist to his chest. The uncertainty, the fear of the truth in her eyes, wrenched his heart. That, coupled with her clear thoughts of their future, of their future
together
, had his own thoughts ploughing ahead.

Because he loved her. He loved her without doubt. But amidst everything else – the pending war, the prophecy – he hadn’t stopped long enough to think about all the aspects of a long-term relationship with her. There was no question in his mind what he wanted, but there was so much to think through.

There was so much she’d need to know. So much she’d need to understand before she truly made that commitment to him. And he couldn’t ask that of her without her knowing the truth; without sharing the one secret he had shared with no one.

‘I had some flashbacks,’ he said.

He could hear her throat clogging as she cleared it.

‘Is it someone you know? Someone you
knew
?’ She hesitated, insecurity, even hurt, lacing her eyes. ‘Was it Ellen?’

‘No,’ he said instantly to reassure her. ‘I’ve never thought of Ellen when I’m with you. You know that.’

‘But it would be understandable. Jask, I won’t get angry with you. I know what she meant to you, I know…’

‘It wasn’t her. It was a mistake. A past mistake. A moment that shouldn’t have happened but did.’

‘You regret it.’

‘Yes. Very much so.’

‘Then it shouldn’t matter if you tell me about it.’

‘It’s complicated.’

And the secret that posed unthinkable risk should it leak out.

‘Hey, that’s a human term,’ she declared with a hint of a smile. ‘Don’t you third-species boys start using it.’

He laughed, a huge part of him hoping she’d take the hint and drop the subject.

But this was Sophia – and he should have known better.

She interlaced her hand with his. ‘You can trust me, Jask – with your past, your present and your future. I know you’ve had your moments. I remember you telling me in the hotel room that night. I know we’ve both done things we regret. I want to understand, that’s all. I want you to trust me to understand.’

He gazed into her brown eyes, the love that emanated from within them immense, and not a trace of the serryn in sight.

He squeezed her hands, knowing if he didn’t tell her then it would have to remain a wall between them. Always.

‘It happened during that downward spiral after Ellen died.’ He glanced at the ceiling before he looked back across at her. ‘It was a time when I well and truly had my finger on the self-destruct button. I told you before: that’s how I recognised it in you, Phia. How when you’re filled with so much self-hatred, you do whatever you can to punish yourself and leave yourself wounded. And like you, I chose to cut myself off from those who cared, who only reminded me how little I deserved them to. I wanted my pack to hate me. I wanted them to reject me because I couldn’t cope with their loyalty. I couldn’t cope with the feeling of letting them down. So that’s what that night became about: punishment.’

She frowned, her eyes still laced with apprehension.

‘I went on a drinking spree. There was a female at one of the bars I was in. She came on to me. To her it was a game. She was a vampire. I was a lycan – a rather notorious lycan at that point, drunk in a bar away from his pack. Any other time, I would have pushed her away, but she was too special to pass up.’

Sophia’s frown deepened. ‘
Special
?’

‘Not in that kind of way. In the biggest self-destruct-button-push-possible kind of way. Nobody touched her, you see. Not unless you wanted to be chewing on your balls – whatever was left of them by then. She had a big-time brother. One that didn’t take any shit. And one that certainly didn’t take anyone touching his little sister. So fucking her over a bar table definitely constituted a signature on my suicide declaration. And I knew it.’