Blood and Loss (Cassandra Myles Witch Series) (18 page)

I placed a chaste kiss on his lips. He was making this so hard.
“Please, please, stop.” Tears ran down my face. He was being so mean. I was doing the best I knew how. We were cheek to cheek. I wished with all my heart things were different. “I don’t have a choice; it is the deal I made. If you had died, I couldn’t live with that.”

“
Ssh. Don’t cry, Cass.” He kissed my tears. “I just want you to know you have a choice. If you don’t want to be with me, you can still leave him. Come back to Vancouver. I will protect you,” he pleaded.

He was offering a way out with no strings attached.
I had to be harsh. It wouldn’t be fair to tell him the truth. If I told him part of me wanted that too, he would try to get me to come with him and that wasn’t going to happen. “I want it. I want Declan and we will make it work. I know you think I don’t like it here, but I do.”

“Go
then, Goldilocks, if you are going to lie, then there is no point in talking.”

I dressed slowly
, hoping he would say something that would let me know he didn’t hate me. “This isn’t easy for me. I…” He turned his back to me. I took that as my cue to leave.

I was thank
ful that Quintus didn’t try to stop me as I ran out the door. I walked back to my cabin, trying to calm myself down. I had made a promise and I was going to keep it. I loved Declan and even though what he did hurt me, I knew we could get past it. It was my life now and I had to make peace with that.

Chapter 24

The heat from the fire and the smell of lavender hit me when I walked into the room. “I’m in the bathroom, sweets.”

The only lights in the small bathroom were a couple dozen candles Declan had placed on every surface.
He lit the last one and turned to face me. “I thought you would want to clean up.” He looked hopeful.

“Yes, please
, I’m a mess.” How could I act normal after what had just happened? Should I tell him I really did need to clean up, after all that blood and the two orgasms I had.

He looked up and smiled.
“You are a mess. I knew you would need this.” He had a catch in his voice. “I want this to be amazing for you. Something we can look back on.”

No bad guys here
; just the royally screwed up.

Declan held out his hand to me and I came forward. I choked back tears. Whatever happened before now didn’t matter.
Tonight was our fresh start. “Did you mean what you said, Cass? You want to be my mate?” He looked so hopeful it broke my heart.

“Of course
. I came back, didn’t I?”

He nodded and pulled me closer. We kissed and he removed my sweater. He took off my bra slowly. “You are so fucking amazing.” He knelt down and kissed my stomach. He made quick work of the rest of my clothes, then he removed his.

We stepped into the shower. The warm water felt
wonderful; it helped wash away some of the stress from the night. Declan lathered my hair, taking his time. I turned to face the spray and arms encircled my waist. His lips kissed across my shoulders as he pressed his hardness into my back. When his hands lathered my breasts, I arched into him. A moan escaped my lips as I turned to kiss him.

His mouth dipped down to my breasts
, taking one of my nipples into his mouth. His hand trailed down my body. He parted my lips, reaching inside to the inner folds, until he found the little nub he was looking for. He teased me, bringing me close to my third orgasm.

When he pulled his hand away,
I whimpered. I had been so close. He reached behind me and turned off the water. There were two giant fluffy towels sitting on the sink. He used them to dry me off. “Take me to our bedroom. I can’t wait any longer.”

Up until then
, he had been slow and gentle, waiting for me to stop him at any minute, treating me like I might bolt for the door if he went too fast. His face moved from gentle to unrestrained lust. His voice was little more than a growl. “I love you, Cass, but right now what I want has little to do with love.”

He threw me on the bed and in a matter of seconds
, he plunged into me in one thrust. It was rough and raw. Our mouths fought each other as our bodies slammed together. Pleasure built inside me until I felt like I was ready to explode. We came together, clinging to each other. Declan howled and his eyes turned to amber. He nipped my neck and then he was back. He stayed inside me for a long time. Nibbling and kissing my face and neck. “You smell like home, Cass.” How could I not be happy with someone who said that to me?

“I do love you
, Declan. I was just hurt and a little scared to make such a huge commitment.”

He turned my face so I had to look at him. “I love you more than you can know. I almost lost you tonight. I wouldn’t want to live without you
, Cass. This is right. Being here with you and having a life with you is all I will ever ask.”

“It’s what I want to
o, despite how we got here.” I snuggled into him and as the last bit of tension left my body, I felt truly happy.

“How is Lucius?”

My face burned to think of what had happened in that room.
It had felt like I had been intimate with both Quintus and Lucius. It was the most erotic experience of my life and I felt guilty at the memory. I felt even worse knowing that a part of me wanted it to happen again.

“
He is still a little weak, I think, but he will be fine.”

“
Did it hurt to feed him?” There was no judgment in his voice, just curiosity.

“I don’t want to discuss that with you. I am here with you
, not with him.” I knew I sounded shrill, but bringing up what happened with Quintus and Lucius was not going to help our relationship.

“I
didn’t mean anything, Cass. I know you couldn’t let him die.”

I had
to change the subject. I couldn’t keep talking about this. “Why did that woman attack me? I had never seen her before.”

“Her name was Janine. We were promised to each other. She was not happy I brought you here.”

“Declan, am I responsible for her death?” Another tidbit I wasn’t privy to. He had been engaged.

“No
, you are not. We hated each other. Life together would have been hell. It was one of the reasons I volunteered to leave the pack and keep an eye on you. I had assumed that after five years, she would find another, but her mother was too ambitious. She wanted to be the mother-in-law to the future pack master.”

“Why would a mother do that?”

“It is common. Unfortunately, women don’t have a lot of power in the packs. They try to gain it through their marriage. I don’t think it’s fair, but it has been that way forever.”

“So as a human and a woman
, I would be the lowest of the low.”

“No
, you would be my mate. You would be married to the pack master’s son. Plus in our home, you will always be number one.”

“Yes, but I will never be able to give you children.”

“You don’t know that, Cass. As far as I know, a witch and a were have never mated. Who knows what beautiful children we may create? A werewolf who could perform magic would be a first and very powerful.”

“A human can’t have a werewolf baby. Don’t be in denial. You won’t ever be pack master with me as your mate.”

“Then I don’t want it. I’d rather be with you and whatever kids come our way.”

“It’s a lot of pressure.
I am supposed to make up for you losing your birthright?”

“No
, you are supposed to let me make you happy and be there for you. The rest will work itself out.”

I couldn’t decide if he was in denial or being naive. Either way
, I didn’t have to burst his bubble tonight. Why fight about something today you can fight about tomorrow, or something like that. Besides his fingers were tracing circles all across my back and it was making it hard to argue about anything.

“Have you decided what you are going to do?”

“Maybe. Quintus wanted a night to think about it. That points towards a ‘yes.’” He snuggled closer and put his head on my stomach.

“
I am hunting with the pack tomorrow afternoon. It is nearing the full moon and it helps for us to blow off steam. Then, the night of the full moon, we will have a big feast. Traditionally, if there is a new member of the pack, they help serve and since that is you, we will help out.”

“Oh
, I don’t know if I am ready, Declan. You know I am not a big crowd kind of person. It makes me uncomfortable. Plus one of your pack tried to kill me; feeding them supper seems like a lot to ask.”

“I’ll be right beside you and it will give you a chance to meet everyone. Please don’t judge us all by my
dad and Janine. There are many who are very nice.”

“Do I have a choice?”
I really didn’t want to do this, but if I wasn’t willing to try, then I guess I was in denial too.

“Yes, but I have already asked a lot where you are
concerned.” He sounded disappointed.

“Oh
, really, how good of you. I didn’t exactly ask to be here and if I do break the seals, it is your pack that is going to be rich. They should be kissing my butt.”

“There is never any need
to guess how you feel, is there?” The amused look on his face irritated me further.

“I will serve tomorrow night provided no one else tries to kill me. If I am going to open up the fae world, I will do it during the full moon. There is extra power about those nights and with all of you changing
, it will be an ideal time.”

“Sounds like a plan. So you are leaning towards opening the seals.”

“Leaning and doing are not the same. But I can’t help wanting to save the fae if I can. I wasn’t around when they were horrible. I only know Na’min and he has been through so much that it is hard to not want to help him.”

“
Let’s sleep, Cass. It will be a long day tomorrow and the next.” He kissed me with as much passion as I had felt earlier. “Tonight was beyond my expectations and that is saying a lot, considering I have been fantasizing about it for five years.”

I felt incredibly lucky in that moment. It might not last, but I was going to savor it. Life can change in a heartbeat and when you get a chance to feel good
, you hold onto it. We drifted off to sleep, holding each other. I would worry about tomorrow’s problems tomorrow.

Chapter 25

Declan woke me up in a very pleasant way. I felt his soft hair tickling my inner thigh. When his mouth latched onto my core, I was wide awake. I didn’t know if it was all of those women he had or a wolf thing, but he had a very talented tongue. I came twice before he turned me over and entered me from behind. I almost laughed at doing it doggy style with a wolf, but I thought it might ruin the mood.

We showered together afterward and I felt like a noodle
, I was so relaxed. It didn’t last long. As Declan got ready for his hunt, I knew I had to bring up Lucius.

“I need to go see Quintus
, Declan. He was going to tell me what he thought this morning. I really need you to be okay with this.”

He took me in his arms and hugged me to his broad
, hard chest. “I am fine with you talking to Quintus. We are committed. You are my mate and my wolf is happy. I know I acted like a total ass before, but my wolf knew I wanted you and he wanted you. It made us crazy. Now that we have you, I feel so much better.”

“Thank you; it means a lot.” I took a deep breath. One problem solved; only about a thousand left to go, seeing Lucius and Quintus being number two and three.

“In fact
, why don’t we walk over there together? We are going on our hunt and the pack changes all at once. You have witnessed a lot of the violent part of being a wolf. Come watch one of the miracles.”

“I don’t know
; it looked so painful.”

“That w
as just because I was using all my strength not to change. I didn’t want you to find out that way. Come, you will see what I mean.”

We walked
, holding hands in the crisp air. It was one of those days where everything felt new. The air was the freshest I had smelled. I wondered if it was a left over from Quintus’ blood.

The pack was beginning to gather
in the center square. I stood on the stairs of a cabin, waiting for them to change. In unison, everyone started to undress. A sea of flesh shimmered in the cold sun. The collective excitement was infectious and I felt a pang of regret that I couldn’t go with them. Each face was smiling. I spotted Declan being pushed around by a bunch of guys, but they were all laughing. He looked so at home and I realized I had never seen him like that when we lived in Vancouver. He was happier here and I could never ask him to leave.

Declan’s father came out of the lodge, flanked as usual by his second in command. “My children
, it is time to gather food for the pack. We will join our brothers and sisters of the woods. Now before we all freeze our asses off, let’s change.” The bone-snapping noise started and echoed all over the courtyard. Each man and woman remade into wolf form. A blinding light and then hundreds of wolves in all colors and sizes stood as one, waiting for their leader to take them into the hunt. The alpha howled and the sea was on the move. It was beautiful.

Wh
en the last wolf disappeared into the woods, I headed to talk to Quintus.

“Come in, Cassandra.”

Quintus
and Lucius sat across from one another. Lucius turned his death stare from his sire to me. Well, wasn’t I lucky. Quintus just looked sad. They were so different, yet they meant so much to each other. It broke my heart knowing that if all went well, they would be leaving soon.

I focused on Quintus.
“The wolves have left for the hunt. I had never seen that before. It was very beautiful.”

“I agree. I wish I would have seen it to
o, but we are trying to stay low profile.”

“
Have you thought more about our fae issue?” I sat on the couch and Lucius shadowed me before my butt hit the pillow. If he was trying to make me feel uncomfortable, it was working. His thigh lightly brushed mine, sending a thrill through my body. He was playing dirty pool.

“I have
, but I am not going to feel good about it. I think you should try to break the seals. We can’t know if it is the right thing until it is done, but I believe Na’min. It just feels like we are missing a piece of the puzzle.”

“I thought it was just me. It does feel like he isn’t lying
, but some factor that we should know is being left out.”

“Feelings are just that. It
may be just my distrust of the fae that makes me think this way.”

“I
f I am going to do it, then tomorrow night is the perfect time. It will be the full moon and with the wolves changing, there will be a lot of magic in the air. There will be no better time.”

“I agree. I may be rusty
, but we should discuss how we erected it in the first place and how you should take it down.”

Lucius leaned into me, putting his arm behind me on the back of the couch. His hot breath tickled my neck. He didn’t have to breathe so he was clearly doing it on purpose. I felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of moving.

“Cassandra has made her decision, Lucius, and even though we don’t agree with it, we have to accept it. Please behave. You are clearly making her feel uncomfortable.”

“If she has truly made her decision
, I shouldn’t be able to make her uncomfortable.”

“What are you
? Five? You are hulking over me, rubbing up against me. This isn’t easy for me either; you don’t have to make it harder.”

“You have made your
choice. I just get to live with it.” He refused to look at me.

“I am only human
; I make mistakes. I can’t say this isn’t one of them. I can say I do the best I can. I really do. I really don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Quintus just looked tired. “Leave
, son. I have to finish talking to Cassandra and I can’t stand seeing either of you look so hurt.”

He left in a huff. I felt a cold breeze as he opened and closed the door.
Quintus came to sit by me. He put his arms around me. I cried for a long time. This was going to be known as the year of Cass the Cry-baby. It was going to be my New Year’s resolution. No more crying.

“I am grateful you saved Luciu
s, but please tell me Declan makes you happy. It will be hard enough to say good-bye to you. I don’t know if I could stand it if I knew you were going to be unhappy here.”

“I’ll be fine. It is just so much so fast. It’s a lot to deal with all at once. I don’t want to say good-bye to you. I… I love you. You ha
ve been there for me when I was alone.” I had to stop or I was going to lose it. “I can’t talk about this now. It’s too hard.”

A red tear fell on my hand. He smiled at me. “Yes
, I agree. We will say good-bye when we have to. I am not ready to say it either.”

“
I am thinking of going to visit where Na’min came through first thing in the morning. Getting a sense of how it feels; it may help me decide how to do this.”

“Yes, I would like to see how a door that was made in Europe found its way to northern Alberta. “

“I thought maybe you
knew. “

“Magic is very unpredictable sometimes. You can never
foresee how things will work out. You can’t think of it in a logical way. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I am scared I won’t be able to do it.”

“If you can’t, Cassandra, it is not your fault. It may not be something that can be done. I don’t think you need something else to carry around with you.”

“How can I not
?”

“Young one
, you can only try your best. What happens after that happens. Now I think I will go use the phone. I have not talked to my people since we have been here. They are probably having a cow. I have my cell phone, but the wolves must have some sort of device that creates a dead zone around here.”

He really did have a knack
for making me feel better. I would miss him more than anything if I decided to stay here. We had worked together for five years. He had saved me from total despair. I loved him.

“I’ll see
you in the morning.” He kissed me, but it was soft and quick, and then he was gone.

I saw Lucius standing on the steps to the lodge. At least he was giving m
e space. A hand grabbed my arm and I knew I had spoken too soon. “Damn you, Lucius, and your fucking vampire skills. Fuck you. Declan will freak if he smells you on me.” I already smelled like Quintus, but he didn’t know that.

“Fuck Declan.” His fangs were down and that either meant anger or sexual excitement. Oddly enough, I was hoping for anger, mostly anyway.

“Don’t do this
.”

“Do what? Get mad, jealous, horny?”

“All of the above.”

“Too bad
. I am mad. You left me, you saved my life, and then you left me. I wanted you so bad I almost followed you last night. Quintus stopped me. I wish he would have let me go. He said you had a right to make your own decision even if it meant you would leave us. I regret listening.”

“I am glad you did because one of you would be dead this morning and I can’t handle the thought of either one of you dying.”

“I can’t stand the thought of his hands on your body.” He pulled me into him. I didn’t even struggle. He was too strong. “Touching you everywhere I want to touch you. His lips on your lips, I want to kill him.” His voice was little more than a growl.

“It’s done
, Lucius. What do you want from me? You were dying; they wanted you to. I did what I had to. I love Declan. We have been best friends for five years. Do I want to live here for the rest of my life? Hell, no. I will have to figure that one out. I am sorry it didn’t work out how you wanted it to. I am only twenty-five. I am not 1000 or 2000. I don’t know the right answers to everything. I just make the best of what I have.” I started to cry. He was making this so hard.

His fangs retracted and his face softened.
“Ssh, don’t cry, Cass. I’m being a jerk. You just make me crazy. I have lived a very long time and it has been centuries since I have wanted someone this much. It is making me forget that you have wants too. I am near you and I want nothing more than to take you back to my room and ravage you senseless. The fact that you want the same thing makes it even harder.”

How was I supposed to respond to
that? His big hand closed over mine and he squeezed. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” My voice was choked; I was on the verge of tears again.

“I also hate knowin
g that I have to leave you here all alone with a pack of wolves. You would be dead now if I hadn’t been there.”

“I’m not all that excited about it either, but I’ll figure it out. Once I get my magic mojo going
, I’ll fry those suckers if they come near me.”

I thought he was going to let me go, but then he pulled me tighter. His head rested against mine and his hands
rested on my lower back. I hate clichés, but I felt one coming on. How could something so wrong feel so right?

“I don’t just want you physically
, Cassandra. I love you. Quintus loves you. When we leave here, it will be a giant hole. I know you did this to save me, but I hate it.”

It was so sweet of him to say, but it made things so much harder to deal with. Maybe he needed to see how it felt.
“Would you feel better if I told you that I don’t want to leave you or Quintus? I love you both. I have wanted you since I came into my bedroom and found you in my bed wearing those skimpy boxers. I have had a lot of trouble blocking from my mind the night you came into my dressing room all glowy and fangy and last night was the most incredible erotic event of my life. Between you and Quintus, I think I had an out of body experience. Those things are all true.”

He had an arrogant smirk on his face and it made it a lot easier to continue.
“It is also equally true that I love Declan. I made a commitment and I am going to stay here with him and build a life. We will have kids and grow old together. So everything else that I feel or want doesn’t matter.”

His smirk
didn’t just fall from his face; it plummeted to the ground. Finally some headway and all I had to do was become a screaming lunatic. He raised his hands to defend himself as if my words were blows.

“What is wrong
, Lucius?”

“I see. Well
, you have made up your mind. I won’t bother you again, Cassandra.” His voice was cold.

“That is probably best.”

“Do me one favor, though.”

“Sure, of course.”

“After we leave, don’t contact Quintus.”

“Why?” I quavered.

“He is putting on a brave face, Goldilocks. You are very important to him. You don’t know what he was like before you came to us. He had times when he would disappear and I would be frantic he wouldn’t return. Then he would and he would take to his bed for decades. For the last fifty years, he took to politics. Ruling Vancouver with an iron fist, he would sometimes work for weeks on end with no rest. The point is, he didn’t live; he just existed. When he got that call, something changed.”

What call was he talking about? Did someone call him and tell him what Morven had done? Is that how he knew?