Blindness (27 page)

By the time I get out of the shower and
dress, Jessie is just coming back into my room. I look at her with
suspicion.

“Yeah, yeah. I went to yell at him some more,
so sue me,” she says, flipping her shoes off and collapsing back on
my bed, her purple hair splayed in all different directions.

I can’t help but smile at her. I’ve never had
a friend like her—I’ve never had a girlfriend, period—and having
someone fight for me, help fight my battles? Well, it just makes
the heartbreak more bearable.

“What’s that face for?” she says, her lips
twisted and bothered.

“Nothin’,” I say, sitting next to her and
smiling, “just…thanks. That’s all. Thanks.”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” she says. But I know it
is. I know that Cody is her brother, and picking me—standing with
me on this, isn’t easy.

“Yes, it is,” I smile at her, and she smiles
back.

“So, when you picking up Trevor?” she asks,
getting back to her feet and running her fingers through her hair.
I walk into my bathroom and come out with a brush to toss to
her.

“I was about to leave. I don’t drive the
highways well. Thought I should leave plenty of time to make sure I
get there on time, find his gate, all that stuff,” I say. “You
wanna come?”

“Nah. That’d be weird. I’m going to hang out.
Cody said he’d give me a ride to the shop later. He’s meeting Gabe
there to finish up a few things,” she says.

I raise one eyebrow at her, a little worried
about her being alone in a car with Cody after the position I’ve
put her in.

“What? You’re worried about me?” she says.
“Please…I yell at that boy on a daily basis. Fucking up shit with
you is just his latest dumb-ass move. And I know why he’s being
such a jackass.”

I know, too. It’s because I’ve led him on,
because I kissed him, and then I went and said
yes
to his
brother’s proposal; because I freaked out like a jealous girlfriend
when he went out with someone else—like I have any ownership rights
over him at all. I’m almost shrinking as I think about my recent
behavior. God, I’ve been so selfish.

“He can’t help it. He’s in love with you,”
she says, as she grabs her purse and bag and steps through my
bedroom door. When she realizes I’m not following her, she stops
and turns to face me. “Oh, like you don’t know. Cody loves you. And
you love him back. You two just have rotten timing. But you can’t
marry Trevor—I don’t care how good he is. We’ll figure that part
out later.”

She pushes her smile up into her dimples, and
pats my shoulders as she turns to leave. “I’ll see you at
Thanksgiving. I told Cody that if he was planning on bringing Kyla
into this house that I was going to be here to referee—or take that
bitch out myself. Make sure you set some extra plates for me and
Gabe,” she shouts over her shoulder as the door closes behind
her.

I sit there on the steps, stunned. Everything
seems so obvious to Jessie, and I wonder if it’s that obvious to
myself. I know how I feel—I’m done pretending. But I thought I was
alone in this. And when I found out Cody was turning to Kyla, I was
pretty sure my feelings were totally one-sided.

Grabbing my jacket, I peer out the front
window to see if Cody’s out there. I see him in his garage, and
he’s laughing, giving Jessie a hard time about something. She picks
up one of his old T-shirts and throws it at him, and he ducks. I’m
smiling watching them, wishing I were there, wishing I had the same
comfort level with Cody that Jessie does.

In that moment, I realize just how right
Jessie is—at least as far as my own feelings are concerned. I’m
spying on him, too much of a coward to tell him how I feel, too
fearful to be with them. But I don’t see the same reflected in
Cody’s eyes. He doesn’t look upset; he doesn’t even look like
what’s happening between him and me is of any consequence to him at
all. I feel like a game, some toy he’s messing with in between
moments of his life. And I’m not sure I can give up what I can
count on—a life with Trevor—for the chance that one day I might be
able to make Cody feel the same.

I watch the garage shut, and when I’m sure
they are both inside, I head to my car and leave for the airport to
pick up Trevor, willing myself to feel butterflies when I see
him.

When we’re in the car on our way back to the
house, I tell Trevor that Cody’s at the shop, and naturally, he
insists we stop. He’s excited to show Cody everything he’s done,
and my heart is twisted in all different directions because of it.
Trevor’s always been driven, the guy everyone knows and respects.
But his heart has grown over the last month, since he’s accepted
the truth about his father, and about Cody. It makes me feel so
cold and heartless when I think about how out-of-love I’ve fallen
with him during that same time.

We stop at the garage, and I hang behind
Trevor, not wanting to see Cody—or be seen. I’m thankful when I see
Jessie sitting in the office, and I head in to talk with her
unnoticed.

“So…that’s the fiancée?” she asks.

“Oh…yeah. That’s him. I forgot, you two
haven’t met,” I say, knowing I should introduce them, but not ready
or wanting to leave the confines of the office.

“Hmmmm, okay, so I guess it’s up to me then,
huh?” she says, brushing off her hands and tucking the pencil
behind her ear from her studies. “Relax, relax. I’ll go do my
thing. Be right back.”

I smile at her, guiltily, but still not
feeling badly enough to be a brave girl. I watch her through the
office window as she walks right up to Trevor, shakes his hand, and
proceeds to chat him up for the next 15 minutes. He’s laughing and
smiling, and then she points over to the office once or twice. I’m
scanning the garage for Cody, and I finally spot him behind the
wheel of the Mustang, starting and stopping the engine while Gabe’s
under the hood. He looks right at me when Jessie points for the
final time, and I lock eyes with him.

His expression is nothingness. He’s not
smiling, or scowling, or angry, or…anything at all. He’s just
looking at me, looking through me, pushing up and down on the pedal
while he revs the engine and waits for Gabe to shout, “Again!”

I can’t peel my eyes from him though, and
it’s like we’re in some horrible game of chicken, because he’s not
turning from me, either.

I only look away when Jessie busts back
through the metal door and slides her body into mine on the sofa.
“So, are we hiding in here? Is that the drill?” she says.

“Yes,” I say, biting my lip and waiting for
her to yell at me.

“Okay, then. Well, the least you can do is
help me. It’s an essay on ’20s literature. Start proofing,” she
says, throwing a stack of papers at me. I’m a little surprised when
I flip through the dozen or so pages she’s handed me.

“What?” she says, while I continue to sift
through them and scratch my head.

“Oh, it’s just…seems like a big class,” I
say, not wanting to say what I’m really thinking—that I didn’t take
Jessie for someone who took
real
classes.

“Mmmmm, I get it. Purple hair. Poor. I must
be stupid,” she says, and she looks back down at her books, clearly
upset with me.

“Nooooo, no. It’s not that at all, it’s
just…” I start, but I have nowhere else to go. “I just didn’t know
you were so far along in your studies. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean
anything.”

I’m holding my breath, hoping she’ll forgive
me. There I go, taking my only friendship
ever
and throwing
it out the window because I feel superior—
I
feel superior.
What horseshit.

“Whatever. Just start reading. I need to get
an
A
,” she smirks, and I feel the weight start to roll
away.

I spend the next hour proofing Jessie’s
paper, and I actually learn a lot. I’m so amazed at her ability to
write, and I’m honestly a little jealous over it.

As much attention as I’m devoting to her
words, I’m also dividing my time by listening through the door to
Trevor and Cody talk. Cody walks into the office a few times, going
behind the desk for papers, or books, and taking them out to
Trevor. The phone rings a few times, too, and he rushes in to grab
it.

“Jake’s,” he says every time someone calls,
jamming the phone into the crook of his neck while he writes down
notes in his appointment book. He’s scheduled four or five new
vehicles since the time we’ve been here, each of them expensive,
foreign cars, or old classics. This seems to be Cody’s specialty. I
know it’s what impresses Trevor the most; he spent an hour bragging
about Cody over the phone with me the other night. It was one of
the conversations I actually listened to.

I’m chewing on the end of Jessie’s pen when I
feel Trevor’s hand pull it slowly from my mouth. “Hey, miss editor.
You must be reading something good. I’ve been calling your name for
about 30 seconds,” he says, his smile perfect, like a Kennedy.
Every time he smiles at me, I feel my insides slide south, knowing
that one day—one day soon—I’ll have to hurt him.

“Sorry, it’s Jessie’s paper. It’s really
good,” I smile. Jessie just throws a crumpled up paper at me—she
doesn’t take compliments well. “I mean, it’s terrible. Good thing
I’m reading it.”

“Exxxxaccctly,” she says, winking at me. I
hand back her stack and stand to stretch my legs, which are sore
from sitting crisscrossed for the last hour.

“You about ready?” Trevor says, reaching up
to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. I almost flinch at his
touch, but remind myself he’s doing his job, and hold my body
steady and plaster on my smile.

“Yeah, just give me a sec. I have to go to
the restroom first,” I say, walking backward toward the small
hallway behind me.

Jessie starts asking Trevor questions, and I
notice him pick up her paper and start to look through it, buying
me time. I wind around the corner to the small bathrooms behind the
garage. The space is tight, but the restrooms are surprisingly
clean for a place run by men. I don’t really have to go. If
anything, I’m probably dehydrated; I haven’t had anything to drink
since my failed coffee attempt this morning. I just needed an
escape.

I splash water on my face at the sink and let
the warm water heat my hands for a minute or two. Another deep
breath, and I feel ready to move on to what’s next—whatever that
is.

I’m looking around the hall for a trash to
throw my towel into when I feel Cody’s hand wrap around my wrist.
He’s grabbing it tightly; on reflex, I start to jerk and pull
away.

“Charlie, stop. I just want to talk…just for
a minute,” he says, his voice a rough whisper.

He has me pinned in the corner, and I’m
looking beyond him, worried that Trevor is seeing this. But we’re
alone; I can still hear Jessie’s laugh in the distance, and I know
she saw Cody follow me. She’ll distract him as long as we need.

“Charlie, I’m sorry,” Cody says, his eyes
soft, sorrowful. He’s still holding my wrist, but I’ve completely
relaxed it. I feel his hand slide softly around it until his
fingers find mine, and he grabs onto them, pulling my hand up to
his mouth. I’m watching with my lips parted open, knowing how wrong
this all is, but fantasizing about forgiving him, kissing him,
having him carry me off so he can strip me naked and take me.

“Cody, I…,” I try, but my voice is raspy.
Cody closes his eyes tightly when I speak, shutting me out.

“Please. You have to forgive me…I didn’t mean
it, not a word of it. I was angry, and I was thinking about that
stupid ring…the one you never wear…” he’s struggling, trying to
find a way to explain. “God, Charlie. I didn’t mean what I said.
You’re not a…gah! I can’t even say it now, looking at your
goddamned face. Your face, like an angel, and I lied to you—I
looked right at you and called you that, when it’s the furthest
thing from what I think. Just…forgive me. Please?”

I can’t look away, my heart is leaping from
my body, and my mouth is numb, craving him. All I can do is nod
yes
slowly, and when I do, he pulls me to him and holds me
tightly. I feel his lips at my neck over my hair, his breath hot
and ragged. “I’m so sorry,” he says, squeezing my hair in between
his fingers, holding my head to his chest, and gripping me as if
he’s afraid I’m going to run away.

If I could stay here, just like this,
forever, I would. But Trevor’s laugh brings me back to reality, and
I push myself from his arms, looking down.

“Trevor,” I say. “He’s waiting for me.”

“Right, Trevor,” Cody murmurs, no longer able
to bring his eyes to mine. He’s looking at the wall where I just
stood. “You better go.”

I can’t even say goodbye, and instead just
leave him there alone, in the dim hallway behind his shop. I stuff
everything I’m feeling down into the lockbox I keep in my heart—the
one I open up late at night, the reason I’m not sleeping. By the
time I round the corner and come face-to-face with Trevor, I’ve
mastered my pretend smile again, but Jessie can see right through
it. I wave goodbye while Trevor leads me back out to the car, and
she shakes her head at me, a little disappointed, I can tell.

Trevor’s anxious in the car. He keeps tapping
his hand on the steering wheel nervously. I sort of wish I didn’t
let him drive, because I’m feeling a little carsick from his
constant speed change. He doesn’t look upset, but I can’t help but
think he heard Cody and me talking—or picked up on something, my
mood, perhaps. I reach over to squeeze his hand as a test, and he
squeezes back quickly with a smile, and puts his hands back on the
wheel—I’m not really sure what to take away from that.

He rushes ahead of me after we park the car,
making sure he’s the first one through the door. He doesn’t wait to
hang his coat or bring in his bag, but instead rushes to the
bedroom upstairs. I’m a few steps behind him, and he comes back out
of our room and shuts the door, pressing his back against it.