Blindfold: The Complete Series Box Set (45 page)

I didn’t want to trust them now, but I didn’t know who I could trust, either.

My hand shook as I lifted my coffee to my lips. It scalded my tongue as I took a sip, but I didn’t care. I needed the heat almost as much as I needed the caffeine. I felt frozen inside, frozen in a way I knew no heat or sweater could penetrate.

My mug had barely clicked down on the counter when I heard a knock at the front door. Immediately, I tensed, my limbs locking into place for one terrifying moment. Then, suddenly, I shoved backward, surprising myself when I actually moved so hard I fell against the opposite counter.

I groaned at the impact, banging into the sharp surface with enough force to form a bruise. Straightening, I rubbed at my hip as I stared at the door.

Now I was really shaken. Nobody was able to get in my building without being buzzed in, and I hadn't done it. Maybe someone else had, but that didn't explain why they were knocking at my door. It might've been an innocent mistake, but I wasn't going to take any chances, not with my nerves shot and my stomach churning.

I started toward the door, pausing to grab my Louisville Slugger from its place behind the front door. I held it in my right hand, comforted by the familiar feel of it. I'd played baseball off and on most of my life, and I could still swing hard enough to do serious damage.

“Who is it?” I demanded, satisfied that my voice wasn't shaking.

The rest of me sure as hell was.

Relief went through me in a rush when I heard a familiar voice answer.

“It's me. I heard you yell. Are you okay?”

Ash.

My relief mixed with irritation.

Now my heart was racing all over again, and my hands felt damp and sweaty. The honest part of me knew that had nothing to do with being irritated and that irritated me even more. But I didn’t care about the honest part of me.

A sudden rush of longing swept over me, then faded as quickly as it had come. I seized onto the anger before it could go too, because anger was a lot better than the hurt that still echoed inside me.

For the first time since I’d read those chilling words, I felt warm. A side effect of what I was feeling, I knew. That emotion could warm me better than two cups of coffee, and it also managed to chase away the rest of the fear and clear my head of the last of the cobwebs.

Still gripping the bat, I dealt with the locks left-handed and wrenched the door open. “I'm fine.”

Ash’s eyes slid from my face to the bat. “And still mad at me, apparently.”

Curling my lip at him, I said, “Yeah, well, I don’t plan on getting another assault charge because of you. No man is worth it.” I tossed the bat back into its place. “Especially not you.”

His mouth tightened.

“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way back out.”

“I’m not leaving just yet.”

Over my shoulder, I shot him a dark look. “Oh, yes. You are. I'll get the bat if I have to.”

“Toni...”

Spinning on my heel to glare at him, I shouted, “No! You’re not doing this again! I put up with your mood swings and your bullshit when you were dealing with Isadora’s disappearance, but I’m done! You don’t get to push me away any time you like! I’m tired
of dealing with your whiny, bullshit insecurities!”

Ash stiffened, a flush creeping up his neck.

I waited, heart racing, my breath locked inside my lungs.

He’d explode or he’d leave. One or the other, I knew it.

But...he didn’t.

“You’re right.”

“Oh, don’t give me...” I stopped halfway through my rant as my brain processed what I'd heard. “Wait, what?”

He turned away. “You’re right.”

Moving to the window, he looked outside. My apartment was up on the second floor and he looked down onto the street, seeing a much different view than he was used to.

His voice was quiet as he continued, “You should know that Isadora tore me a new asshole last night. Once you were gone, I...I couldn’t sleep. I closed my eyes and I saw you. All I see is you.”

He turned back to face me and I saw the shadows under his eyes. Waspishly, I glared at him, arms crossed over my chest. “Poor Ash.”

“Your sympathy warms my heart,” he said dryly.

I huffed out a breath and pushed my hair back from my face. As I did, his gaze slid down to my chest. In that moment, I was acutely aware of how the tops of my breasts looked pressing against the low-cut top of my chemise, how the pajama bottoms I wore rode low, just below my hip bones. Judging by the look in his eyes, he was just as aware of the exposed skin as I was.

My arms went over my stomach again. “Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly sleep that well myself. If you want real sympathy, find a sycophant. Somebody is bound to give you some real pity.”

“I deserved the sleepless night.” He took a few steps in my direction, his eyes locking with mine.

I barely even noticed he
had
moved until that four feet between us narrowed down two feet, then one, then it was all but gone.

“I deserve pretty much every cutting insult you have under your belt, Toni.”

“Is that an invitation?” I gave him a tight smile. My entire body was humming, just from him being so close. I knew I should take a step back, but I couldn't get my legs to obey.

“Not really.” He reached up, trailing one finger down my cheek.

The light contact made me shiver.

“After I say what I came to say, if you want to throw me out, I’ll go. But I need to say this.”

I struggled to keep the edge to my voice. “I'd rather just throw you out now. I'm not really in the mood to hear anything you have to say.”

“Toni, please.”

It shouldn’t have mattered to me. What I’d wanted, needed, none of it had ever mattered that much to him before. Why should what he wanted matter to
me
now?

Sometimes, one of you just has to be willing to bend. To compromise. And the one who does it is often the strongest one in the relationship.

My mother had told me that once, after she and dad had argued over her interviewing for a job. She’d wanted it. Dad hadn’t wanted her to leave the family business.

I didn't even remember the specifics of it, but when I’d asked her later why she hadn’t just gone after it anyway. I'd been maybe seventeen, eighteen, and the feminist in me had balked at my father's behavior. And then she'd given me that advice.

I’d taken those words to heart in all aspects of my life, but it was no good if I only did it when it wasn’t that hard.

Ash and I didn’t have a relationship, but I could still listen to what he had to say.

Besides, if I were really honest, I’d have to admit I didn’t want to be alone just yet. If I was, I’d have nothing to think about except the note, and I needed a few minutes of not thinking about it.

All night, I'd thought about calling one of my brothers. I'd thought about going back home, even. Back to the house where I’d grown up with my parents.

In a way, that house would always be home. But I hadn't let myself do it. I wasn't alone now. As angry and hurt as I was, it was nice to have somebody here, even if it was
him
.

“Fine,” I said finally. “Say what you have to say.”

“Do you mind if I sit?”

Mind?
Out loud, I said, “Sure. Make yourself at home.” I threw open my arms, sarcastic warmth filling my voice. “At least until you say whatever it is you have to say. Then you can get the hell out.”

The caution in his eyes scraped against my nerves like nails on a chalkboard and I turned on my heel. I needed coffee to deal with this. Alcohol would have been better, but it was too early and I wasn't that desperate. Yet.

More than a little spiteful, I almost didn’t pour him any, but at the last moment, my mother's upbringing kicked in, and I fixed him a cup as well. After I’d doctored mine with cream and sugar, I carried both back with me into the small space I used for a living room.

It wasn't much, but it was mine.

Curling up in my favorite chair, I stared at him over the rim of my mug. “So, what’s this big, important thing you need to talk with me about?”

His eyes still focused on the coffee I’d given him, he sighed softly. For a few moments, he didn’t speak at all. Finally, he shifted his attention to me, his bottle green eyes seeming even brighter against the dark shadows that lay under them. “I already told you that Isadora gave me a rather strong talking to last night.”

“Talking to?” I snorted at the phrase.

To my surprise, he gave me a sad smile. “You can thank my mom for that. She learned it from my grandmother. Gram was...well, not exactly what you would probably expect.”

He paused and took a sip of coffee.

When he continued, I had to admit, it surprised me even more. The personal talk wasn't like him.

“My grandfather met her in Mississippi. It was pretty much love at first sight. She was...” He puffed up his cheeks before blowing out a quick, hard breath. “Let’s just say he surprised everybody, and shocked society when he brought back the beautiful girl from Biloxi, Mississippi. She didn’t give a damn what anybody thought of her, and her favorite thing to do was shock the hell out of everybody.” He smiled, a fond one. “You probably would have liked her.”

“And you’re telling me this why?” I asked levelly. “You don’t do relationships, and me liking her would only matter if you and I were involved. You made it clear last night that all we have –
had –
was a sexual relationship.” I gave him a hard look. “Please note the past tense.”

His eyes darted away and a shadow crossed his face. “That’s exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Past tenses?” I asked, saccharine dripping from the words.

He ignored me. “I'm glad Isadora told you about Lily.”

“Oh, yeah. I could tell. It was so obvious by the sweet way you talked to me.” I stirred my coffee, watching the liquid swirl in my favorite mug.

“Yeah, one of the other things I’m sorry for.” His voice was soft. “But if I hadn’t done that, then we wouldn't have argued, and Isadora wouldn’t have torn into me. And I wouldn’t have figured some things out.”

He put his coffee down and rose.

My heart skipped a beat, then another as he went to his knees in front of me. The look in his eyes was intense, and I felt like he'd cut me open, laid me bare, with that stare alone. I felt more vulnerable and exposed now than I ever had.

I didn’t like it.

When he reached out and covered my hand with his, I flinched.

He didn’t move his hand though, or stop talking.

“She asked me a question – just a simple one, but I couldn’t answer her. I still can’t.” His thumb rasped across my skin.

Between the intensity of his voice, his eyes and the rub of his thumb across my inner wrist, my thoughts were in shambles.

“She asked me what the point was.”

Confused, I shook my head.

“She asked if there was a point to anything. To
everything
. She told me that if I was going to push everybody away, keep everybody out, then what was the point to anything I did?” He lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug. “I’m alone. The only person in my life is my sister, and we’re growing apart. She doesn’t need me the way she once did. She has Colton, and something tells me she might be looking for a new place, making a home somewhere else for the two of them. Then it'll just be me in that big house. What do I have in my life, Toni? There’s...nothing.”

Seriously? He came here to whine? “Yeah, I can see how you have so much nothing. You have a giant, beautiful house, and cars that would make my brothers weep. You belong to an exclusive sex club where beautiful women line up to submit to you.” I curled my lip at him. “That’s a whole lot of nothing, all right.”

But my voice shook. My heart was aching despite myself, while another part of me warned me not to let myself get sucked in again.

“Things don’t make a person happy, Toni.” He lifted my hand and pressed a kiss to my palm.

Jerking my hand away, I glared at him. “Yeah, I know that. Now you're starting to get it and you're considering trying something else to fill the void? Yay. Goodie for you. Go find a girl who cares.”

Not one who's already in love with you and tired of hurting.

I shoved him back and stood, moving into the kitchen to get some space between us. I needed to be away from him. My heart couldn't take it. Tears burned my eyes and I could feel myself coming apart.

He came in behind me, his steps slow. Not hesitant, but slow, like he was giving me time to move away.

I wrapped my arms around myself and ducked my head. I wanted him to go, to leave and never come back.

And my heart broke even more at the thought of never seeing him again.

“I’m not
considering
anything, Toni. I’m realizing. I don’t have a life. I have an existence, and it's all I've had for a long time. Maybe since even before my parents died. And I’m tired of it. From the moment I saw you, I felt more alive than I had in years. I want
that
. I want
you
.”