Blind Love (3 page)

Chapter Four

Bottled-up Feelings

Lauren poured her third serving of coffee and clenched the mug. The heat of the cup against her skin didn’t compare to the burn of humiliation rising from her stomach to her face. She tried to focus on her breathing to keep from dissolving into tears. What the hell just happened? For some reason, when she was around Gabe, her brain kept shutting down, making it impossible to put two coherent words together.

She took a sip of the scalding brew and savored its warmth as it flowed down her throat. Memories of the last time she felt this powerless popped into her thoughts and with it, the all-too-familiar ache in her chest. She slammed the cup on the counter and balled her fists.

No one will ever do that to me again.

A door opened and the pitter patter of tiny paws and the clicking of heels against the hardwood stairs interrupted her thoughts.

“Did I hear the door? What happened to Mr. Hottie?” Sunny asked.

“He’s gone,” Lauren said.

Jack whimpered and rubbed against her legs. He always seemed to know when she wasn’t doing well. Lauren scratched his head.

Sunny squeezed her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

Lauren closed her eyes and tried to stay in control. “Him. You.” She stepped away from Sunny, walked to the living room and sat on the couch. “I told you I didn’t want him in the house. You invited him anyway. I told you I didn’t feel good about this. Instead of respecting what I said, you left me alone with him.”

The sofa dipped when Sunny sat beside her. “I did,” she whispered, tucking a tissue in Lauren’s hand.

She wiped the stray tears away before continuing. “I’ve never judged you for how you handle men or your life. And I’ve always made it clear I’m different.”

“You have.”

Lauren ignored the resignation in her friend’s voice and continued. “Do you know how humiliating this was? You let him believe I was interested. He left here thinking I’d come knocking at his door for sex.”

“Cat, if he did, it’s because it’s obvious you’re attracted to him. What’s the harm in seeing what happens?”

The Kleenex ripped in her hand as she twisted it. “The harm is you pushed something I’m not ready for.”

“Come on, you’ve slammed the door on every single man who’s so much as said hello. How do you know you’re not ready?”

Lauren spoke as calmly as she could. “I get to decide when I’m ready. When I’m attracted to someone and how I want to deal with it. Not you. Not my parents. Not the neighbor.” Her face warmed with emotion. She needed to get away before things she didn’t mean were said and done. She got up and walked to the stairs. “I’m not a child, Sunny. I didn’t work this hard to get this far so you could take over.”

Shoes thudded against the floor as Sunny followed her to the stairs. “Yes, I pushed you. But I’m nothing like your parents. I’ve never pressed you like this before. Give me some credit here.” She moved in front of Lauren and stopped her from climbing the steps. “But that’s not the real problem. The real problem is you’re locking yourself away and hiding from the world.”

Lauren ignored the second part of Sunny’s rant and focused on the first. Although annoyingly inappropriate, Sunny had never pushed a man on Lauren.

“Good point, so what changed?”

“It’s obvious you like him and he likes you. And he’s really
really
cute,” she stammered.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Waving her away, Lauren climbed the stairs. “So my boundaries and self-respect go out the window because he’s cute?”

Sunny let out a groan and mumbled profanities under her breath. “Okay, wait. There’s more.”

“I don’t want to hear anymore. I can’t think clearly right now.”

“Ben’s back,” Sunny blurted out.

Lauren froze, her chest tightened. The gnawing ache she’d shoved down earlier in the kitchen started up again. “What do you mean…” her throat constricted when she attempted to say his name, “…he’s back?”

“He works for the Denver PD.”

Stunned, Lauren processed the implications of the news. The hurt she’d bottled up in the pit of her stomach erupted, spreading through her. Unshed tears burned her eyes.

No.

No more pain. Not because of him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I ran into him driving around your neighborhood on my way home Tuesday. I was off yesterday and it wasn’t something I wanted to share over the phone so I figured it could wait until I got back today.”

“What difference does it make if he is here?” Lauren said, trying to sound nonchalant and failing pitifully. She gripped the bannister for support. Jack rested his head against the back of her legs. “He’s a cop, Sunny. He patrols neighborhoods. It’s his job. He’s married and has a daughter. You don’t need to worry about him stalking or coming after me.”

Heels clicked against the steps. Sunny grabbed Lauren’s hand and squeezed. “He told me he divorced Hailey. And no, I’m not worried about him stalking you. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a piece of shit for what he did to you, but he’s not crazy. My gut says he’s working up the courage to talk to you and try to get back together.”

The spot between Lauren’s eyebrows started to throb. She pulled her hand away and continued her escape to the bedroom. “So you thought if I slept with the neighbor, maybe knowing Ben’s here wouldn’t hurt me as much?”

“I thought it might keep him away from you.”

Sinking into her bed, she absently rubbed behind Jack’s ears. “You didn’t believe I was capable of keeping my distance without getting laid?”

Sunny sunk in beside her. She rested her cheek on Lauren’s shoulder. “Cat, he hurt you and I was trying to…”

“Keep him from hurting me again. I understand and thank you. But if Ben has as much power over me as you say, do you think my sleeping with the neighbor would have changed anything?”

“I wanted him to see you’d moved on. That you’re better off without him.”

“You don’t really think I am though, do you?” Lauren already knew the answer. She hadn’t been the same since Ben. A part of her stopped living five years ago.

“In some ways you are, but you’ve lost your spark. You’re more serious.”

The pain between her eyes radiated to the back of her head. “When your husband has an affair and chooses his mistress over you…” Lauren’s voice cracked. It was getting harder to keep the tears at bay. “I’m going to take a walk. I need some time to process all this before work.”

“Okay.” Sticky glossed lips pressed against her cheek. “Cat, I love you.”

She smiled. “I love you too.”

Sunny’s feet shuffled against the carpet.

“And Sunny…”

The footsteps stopped.

“I’m not mad at you. I’m just…”

“I know,” Sunny said before she left the room.

As soon as the door shut, the dam broke. Jack climbed up next to Lauren. His whiskers brushed against her arm. She pulled him close and rested her cheek on his neck. The warmth of him, his steady heartbeat, it all soothed her. Her tears slid down his fur, like they did all those years ago when Ben chose Hailey over her.

Lauren wiped the tears away. With a deep breath, she and Jack made their way downstairs and out the door. Being outside always cleared her mind. The swirls of reds and blues she saw brightened in the sunlight. The sounds of nature, people, cars, all of it calmed her.

During their senior year, she and Ben had been inseparable. A few months after graduation, they eloped. Her parents were furious. They wanted her to slow down. To figure out who she was. But Lauren thought she knew better. She and her husband were supposed to show them how wrong they were and, for five years, they did.

Jack barked excitedly and sat on the sidewalk, pulling her out of her thoughts. When he started yodeling, she rubbed his neck to calm him down. The last time he did this, they waited a good ten minutes for a turtle to cross the sidewalk before he shut up and let them move on.

“What is it, boy?”

A vehicle drove past. The squirrel, or whatever distracted Jack, must have disappeared with the car because he stopped barking and started moving again. She followed while continuing her trek down memory lane.

In some ways, losing Ben pained her more than losing her vision. She had no control over the blindness. Their divorce, on the other hand, was a choice. His to cheat and hers to let him go. He violated her trust. To make matters worse, Hailey carried his child. Those were too many obstacles for their marriage to survive. In the end, Ben and his new bride had moved to another city to build their family and left Lauren alone to figure out how to live in a world without him.

She lifted her chin and took a deep breath. Sunny was right. She had changed. Once upon a time, hearing Ben’s name felt like someone stabbed her in the stomach. Today, the pain was more like someone clenching her organs in their hands and squeezing. It still hurt, but it wasn’t debilitating. And now when the world didn’t feel so empty, he’d returned. But this time, she wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt her again.

Chapter Five

Ben

Ben slid his car alongside the curb and put it in park. He stretched his neck until the joints popped and cracked. It had been a long night. Two drunk drivers, a domestic disturbance, teenagers in the park breaking curfew, a motor vehicle accident…and those were the incidents before midnight.

The digital clock on his console flashed seven. This time of day, most of the city was waking up and getting ready for school or work. For him, it was bedtime. He’d already dropped off the squad car and should have been driving home. Instead, he’d ended up at the edge of Lauren’s cul-de-sac.

Sliding off his shades, he stared at the landscaped home across the street with the red azalea bushes in front. Acid burned his stomach as he considered knocking on her door. That, combined with the seven cups of coffee he’d ingested in the past twelve hours, had everything to do with the ulcers propagating in his intestines. He popped some antacids and chewed the chalky substance.

By now she was up drinking her coffee. The perfect time to drop in, if he could find the courage to do it.

Although the sun’s rays made it too bright to tell, he knew every light in her townhouse was lit. Lauren was scared of the dark.

“All I see are colors, and one day, even they’ll go away. When you turn off the lights, I freak out and think it’s finally happened,” she had explained. That reason alone should have been enough. But every month, when the electric bill showed up, he forced the topic.

Ben leaned against the seat and closed his eyes. Somewhere along the way, he forgot what a treasure she was, and by the time he realized his mistake, it was too late.

If only he could go back in time…

“Some mistakes you can never undo,” she told him. The pain on her face and the coldness in her words burned him to the core. Never had he begged anyone for anything. But that night, five years ago, he was on his knees, tears showering his face, pleading for the impossible—for the only woman he’d ever loved to forgive him.

Knowing he had lost the best thing to ever happen to him was a knife to his gut. A knife he personally imbedded. But he agreed to do the right thing and walked away from Lauren to be a husband to the woman who carried his child.

His cellphone rang, pulling him from his thoughts. A smile tugged at the corners of his lips when he read the number.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he said.

“Good morning,
handsome
,” the tiny voice replied back, imitating him, seconds before her giggles took over. The sound of her laugh instantly relaxed the tight muscles in the back of his neck.

“How’s my favorite girl?”

“Good. I ate my breakfast and got dressed without a fuss so Mommy’s letting me watch some TV before I go to school.”

“Sounds like a perfect morning.”

“Yup,” she said. Ben closed his eyes and imagined Chloe. Brown, wavy hair pulled tight into two ponytails, huge brown eyes, sitting and kicking the edge of the couch with the heels of her sparkly light-up tennis shoes.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah, baby.”

“There’s a fox on TV and he stole the babies’ toys. You need to arrest him and take him to jail.”

Ben chuckled and shook his head. She was the only good thing in the fuckup he called his life. “I’m not allowed to arrest foxes, beautiful. But I bet the TV police will take care of it.”

“No, they never do anything. He’s always stealing things. What, Momma? Okay. Mommy wants to talk to you.”

After a few seconds of shuffling, his ex-wife got on the line. “Hey, Ben.” She sounded rushed. Most likely dressed for her job with the Colorado Springs PD, she was probably packing his four-year-old’s lunch as she spoke to him.

“Hi.”

“Tomorrow you’ll be picking up Chloe after preschool and taking her to your place for the weekend, right?”

He heard his daughter cheer in the background and smiled. “That’s the plan.”

“Good, wanted to be sure. We’re running behind schedule so I’m hanging up, but I’ll have her call you tonight.”

“Hailey.”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks for letting her call.”

Hailey paused for a bit before answering, and when she did, he could hear the emotion in her tone. “Chloe’s lucky to have you. I’d never do anything to mess it up,” she whispered before hanging up.

A current of pain coursed through him. He popped another chalky pill. Even though he didn’t love her, he’d tried to build a good life with Hailey. Obviously, when he found her in bed with another man, he knew he’d failed. It shouldn’t have surprised him though. Their relationship had been a mistake from the beginning. Flattered someone like her would even be attracted to him, his ego and dick took over the logical part of him. Three months of covert meetings later, she was pregnant.

Shortly after the dust settled, he had a different wife, a child and a new job in the Colorado Springs PD. All of which should have made it easy to forget Lauren, and, during the day, he did. But at night, when the world slept, his mind wandered to her and what he’d thrown away. He wondered how she was. If she was happy. A woman like her deserved to find the kind of man who would appreciate her. The kind of man he’d failed to be.

Besides figuring out where she lived, he gave her the privacy she deserved. But when he transferred to the Denver PD and the job of patrolling Lauren’s neighborhood came up, he jumped at the chance.

For over a month he drove down her street, aching for a glimpse. The evening he finally laid eyes on her he forgot how to breathe. His face and the back of his eyes burned with emotion. He’d ended up pulling the squad car over and just staring at her. It had been so long.

She’d worn her hair pulled back in a ponytail that day. Ben couldn’t help but notice how her shorts and shirt accentuated her muscular figure. She hadn’t aged. In fact, she looked younger. Leaner, more confident. She was beautiful.

Ben’s chest tightened as the gut-wrenching pain of loss flooded back. He hungered to go to her. To beg her to give him another chance. To do whatever it took to prove himself worthy of her love. Instead, he’d stayed rooted to his seat and gripped the steering wheel. A tear escaped from the corner of his eye as she and the dog disappeared around the corner.

He missed the furry beast almost as much as he missed her. He’d helped pick him out and trained Jack to not only guide but protect. Ben always knew the dog would take care of Lauren. He just thought he’d be around to do it too.

Every workday, when there wasn’t an emergency, he patrolled the neighborhood around the same time as her jogs. At some point, he hoped to muster up the courage to talk to her. Now that Sunny had seen him, he couldn’t put it off anymore. While he considered the prospect of knocking at her door, it opened.

He slid his shades back on and held his breath. Lauren closed the door and locked it behind her. Instead of holding her head high like she normally did, she kept it down. He squinted and leaned forward, trying to read her. She brought her hand to her cheek and swiped at the skin under her eye. A tear? His stomach twisted and the back of his neck tightened.

Sunny’s Jaguar parked in the driveway. Lauren and Jack outside this early in the morning. His mouth went dry. The acid from his gut began to rise.
Sunny told her.

The two maneuvered their way onto the walkway. Jack looked across the street, straight at him, and wagged his tale. The chocolate brown German shepherd let loose several excited yelps before sitting on his flanks and yodeling.

The coward he was, Ben put his car into drive, pulled out from the curb and exited the neighborhood. “At some point real soon,” he mumbled to himself, “I need to grow some balls.”