Blessings (38 page)

A lump rose in Jennie’s throat. “I couldn’t have lived with a lie. Gotten up every day and faced him, knowing something he didn’t know.”

“It’s been done.”

“But not by me.”

For the second time that night Jill placed her hand on Jennie’s; the two hands rested lightly on the wheel.

What do I feel? Jennie asked herself. A flow of love, a mingling of gratitude and grief. Then she thought, silently chiding herself, Oh, we are all too self-absorbed these days! Stop all this analysis! Just take things as they come. Stop asking yourself what you are feeling or why. It does no good.

And she said practically, “You must be starved after that hurried little supper. Let’s stop somewhere for a bite.”

“I’d rather not. I didn’t realize it would take so long to get back.”

“Okay, it is pretty late. Too late to go back to the dorm. You’d better stay at my place overnight. Why don’t you put your head back and sleep? You’ve had a long day.” Looking over at Jill, she thought, I sound like a mother.

“You sound like Mom,” Jill said.

“Do I? That’s nice.”

The girl slept. Rolling toward the city, the car passed landmarks that Jennie would not be seeing again: a bridge; a roadside stand where Jay always bought apples to take home. And here I am, she thought, with my child of chance, unexpected and unwanted, beside me. Her beautiful hair is a collar around her pure, sleeping face. The two of us are riding through the night.

It was shortly before one o’clock when Jennie stopped the car. The street was dark, but the windows in her apartment were all lit.

What now? Who now? She felt an urge to flee, to get back in the car and keep going.

“What’s wrong?” Jill asked.

“The lights are on in my apartment. I don’t think we should go in.”

“Why not?”

“After what happened at my office, can you ask?”

“Give me the outside key. We’ll go up, and if anything’s wrong, we’ll scream, that’s all, and wake the house.”

“You’re making me feel like a coward. All right, I’ll go, but I want you to stay down here.”

“I’ll stay a few steps behind you.”

“Not a few steps! Downstairs, I said.”

“You’re sounding like Mom again.”

Jennie started up. On the third landing she stopped to listen. There wasn’t a sound in the house. See, she reasoned, it’s just another burglary. They’ve somehow gotten in, taken the stereo, the television, and some clothes because there’s nothing else in there to take. It’s not the worst thing in the world. In this city it happens every day.

The door was ajar, and she hesitated, gathering courage. Jill reached in front of her and pushed the door open.

“Go on in, Jennie. Go on.”

At the far end of the living room two men stood up. Peter was laughing, and Jay, with reaching arms, was running toward Jennie.

“Oh, Jennie!” he cried.

Unable to absorb the reality of what she was seeing, she stammered. “W-what is it? What are you doing?”

“Oh, Jennie,” cried Jay again. He put his arms around her. “You ought to hit me! Beat me! Throw me down the stairs! What I’ve done to you! What I’ve done!”

Through starting tears she said again, “What are you doing? I don’t understand.”

“Peter came to my office this afternoon and told me everything. Why … oh, for God’s sake, why didn’t you tell me yourself?”

She hid against his shoulder.

“You could have told me,” he protested when she did not answer.

“No, she couldn’t have,” Peter said.

Jay raised Jennie’s head so that she was forced to look at him.

“Why didn’t you?” he repeated.

Still she was unable to answer, and could only put her hand on her heart as if to cover its fierce beat.

And Peter, in whom the first laughter had died, so that his eyes were stern, said, “I’ve explained the way I see it, the way it is. … She was too afraid.”

“Afraid of me?” Jay was bewildered. “Not of me? I can’t believe it.”

“Please,” she whispered.

“Darling Jennie, you should have told me at the very beginning when you first found out.”

Somehow now, Peter was taking charge. “I’ll answer for her. She was afraid of losing you. And,” he said in a roughened voice, “as I also told you, it goes back to me. Me and my family. I’ve done a lot of thinking these last few days… . We marked her. After that she never thought she was good enough. This was just a repeat situation.”

“Is that the way you felt about it, Jennie?” Jay said sorrowfully.

“I guess so. Something like that,” she whispered.

“We would have lost everything if Peter hadn’t come to me. The way it looked, I thought … I had to think … I went a little bit crazy, the way you’d feel if you suddenly found out that your mother was a spy for the enemy—” He broke off. “And this is your girl?”

For Jill had been waiting, observing the scene with curiosity and tenderness.

At last Jennie found coherent speech. Proudly she said, “Yes, this is Jill. Victoria Jill.”

“So you’re the cause of it all!” Jay took hold of Jill’s shoulders and kissed her on both cheeks. He looked from her to Jennie and back again. “If this is what you can produce, Jennie, you ought to have a dozen.”

There was a swirling in Jennie’s head, a weakness in her knees, and she had to sit down.

“Such a week,” she murmured, wiping her eyes.

“The worst,” Jay said. “The worst. But what am I talking about? I’ve just heard what happened to you at the office. I went crazy all over again when Peter told me.”

Jennie closed her eyes to shut out the dizziness, while Jay, sitting next to her, laid her head on his shoulder and stroked her hair.

“I feel as if I’d lived a lifetime since this afternoon,” he began slowly. “When Peter walked into my office, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”

Peter chuckled. “He recognized me by my hair. It’s very hard to disappear in a crowd when you’ve got hair this color.”

“He came in and started to lecture me. He attacked me and told me I had no right to be treating you like that, that it was brutal and—”

“I must have seemed a lot braver than I felt. I really expected to be thrown out of the office. But I had to do it. I couldn’t get on the plane back to Chicago and leave Jennie like that when it was my fault.”

“Not really your fault,” Jennie objected.

“Well, however you want to look at it. Anyway, I remembered your neighbor, Shirley. You’d said she knew everybody’s business, so I came over here and asked her some questions—as your friend the doctor, of course. That’s how I got Jay’s name. It was easy.” Peter was pleased with himself.

Now Jay laughed. “It’s never hard to get Shirley talking, bless her. The trick is to stop her.”

“I knew all the time what Peter was planning,” Jill said now. “And when we drove up and I saw the lights on, I knew it had worked out all right. I was on pins and needles all day thinking about it.”

“No wonder you were in a hurry to get back and wouldn’t stop to eat,” Jennie said.

“Oh!” Jay exclaimed. “I forgot all about today. I’ve been in such a condition that I didn’t give a damn anymore about the Green Marsh or anything else. But Jennie didn’t forget. Jennie, you went—”

“It was Jill who made me go.”

“Yes, and aren’t you glad you did? She won,” Jill told the men. “She gave the most marvelous speech, and that’s what turned the vote. She fought and won.”

“Yes, my Jennie’s a fighter.”

Then came Peter’s voice. “For good causes, yes. For other people.”

No one said anything for a moment. Then Jay asked somewhat uncertainly whether his parents had been at the meeting.

“They were there. But we didn’t speak.” There was something she had to know. “What did you tell them about me?”

“Only that I thought, I had reason to know, that you’d found somebody else. I was vague. I couldn’t have said anymore, and they didn’t ask anymore.”

“They’re such good people,” Jennie murmured.

“Well. They liked you so much. But of course, when they believed you’d hurt their son, you can understand why Dad got another attorney. I asked him not to, but he wouldn’t listen, he was just so hurt himself.”

“I’ll make it up to them, Jay.”

“You don’t have to make up to anybody for anything! And listen, the first thing in the morning, we’re going for the marriage license. Forget the fancy wedding arrangements. I don’t want to wait any longer than three days.” He reached out and took Jill’s hands. “I want you there too. You’re Jennie’s daughter, and you’re going to be mine.” And very softly, so softly that Jennie barely heard him, he finished. “I love your mother so much, Jill. And I almost lost her. Through my own fault.”

“When you come down to it, it started with me. My fault,” Jill said. “I can’t bear to think I almost ruined everything.”

“I think it’s time now to stop all the talk about fault and being sorry,” Peter objected. “Let’s look to the future.” He yawned and stretched. “It’s late and I’m catching an early plane, so I’m going to say good night.” He took his coat. “Will I be seeing you sometime in Chicago, Jill?”

“Sure. I could change planes on the way home for Christmas vacation and have lunch with you. I’m in a hurry to get home, though, to see Dad and Mom and the kids.”

Jay was looking at her intently.

“You look puzzled,” Jill remarked with a smile.

“Not exactly. It’s just that I don’t know anything about you, and I want to.”

“You will. I’ll visit a lot whenever you ask me. I’d love to.”

“Just Visit?”

“Oh, were you thinking I would move in with Jennie? I never wanted that! I’ve got a wonderful family of my own! What I wanted,” Jill said earnestly as Jennie watched the now familiar flash of eyes and toss of hair, “what I wanted was only to know who I am. And now that I know who I am, and love who I am,” she added, touching Jennie’s arm, “I’m at peace. Yes, I’m very peaceful.”

“Well, you can have two families,” Jay said.

Peter corrected him. “Three. I am a family of one.”

“Can’t you stay for the wedding?” Jay asked as Peter put on his overcoat. “Only three days more?”

Peter shook his head. “Thanks, but I’m off. A rolling stone, that’s me.” He shook hands, kissed Jill, and was about to shake Jennie’s hand when she got up and kissed him.

She laughed. “You don’t mind, Jay?”

“No—I could kiss him myself.”

“Please don’t,” Peter said, and they all laughed, breaking the strain.

As if by common agreement, the three went to the window when he had gone. They watched him cross the street under the lamps and move toward the avenue in loping, boyish strides.

Jay said abruptly, “I liked him.”

“I thought I hated him,” Jennie answered.

“But now you don’t,” Jill said.

“How could I? He gave you both back to me.” She took Jill’s hand and with her other held Jay’s, which was warm and firm.

“It’s been a long time, a long way,” she said.

A softness flowed in her, sweet rest, as on seeing home again after a journey. This plain little room contained a world, a full, bright, new world.

Then she thought of something.

“Hey, Jill! Aren’t you the person who said she would keep the secret, who would never tell?”

“Well, I lied,” Jill said cheerfully.