Bleed Like Me (19 page)

•  •  •

Coffee from Dunn Brothers tasted like ass in comparison to the Punkin' Donuts coffee. I dumped more cream and another
pack of sugar into my cup and watched as Brooks leafed through the classifieds.

“Okay, if you really have your heart set on staying, we need to find some work,” he said.

“Are you qualified to do anything?” He winced and I immediately regretted my words. “I'm kidding. How come you're so sensitive?”

“I'm not sensitive. I'm just trying to figure out a way for us to live in the manner you've grown accustomed to, princess.”

“Go to hell. I'm so far from being a princess it's not even funny and you know it.”

He grinned. “I don't know, Gannon. I heard you ask the lady at the front desk if the eighty-nine-dollar rate was for weeknights only. Sounds like you're planning an extended stay at the Comfort Inn.”

I stared into my coffee cup. If the alternative was sleeping in the Civic, then yes, I was. “Do you see any job prospects?”

“There's a bunch of waitressing stuff. Do you have any experience with that?”

“No. You know I've only ever worked at the hardware store.”

He drummed his fingers on the overly polished wooden table. “We haven't talked about what you've been doing lately. For all I know, you got a job working at TGI Fridays.”

His words stung. They shouldn't have, but they just punctuated the fact that we weren't the same Brooks and Gannon. Why did this feel so hard? “Brooks. The only thing I've been doing lately is waiting for you.”

Half his mouth turned up and he grabbed my hand from across the table and squeezed. “Really? So you haven't moved on with your life, peddling buffalo wings and mozzarella sticks while flirting with a bartender named Steve who plays in a wedding band on the weekend?”

I fake gagged. “Please. I'd rather donate an egg than be caught dead in a TGI Fridays.”

He patted my hand. “That's my girl.” He returned to the classifieds. “They're looking for counter help at a Pizza by the Slice. I think you should apply there. I've seen the staff at the one in Chicago and I don't think they're too particular about hair and piercings. They'll probably even pay you under the table.”

My arms folded. “Why don't you apply there?”

He lowered the paper. “Because I'm not a girl. If I get a job, I guarantee I won't be working the front counter.”

“If?”

He gulped down the rest of his coffee and raised a shoulder. “I called Kenji while you were in the bathroom this morning. He knows some guys here. I might be able to work for them.”

My teeth bit down on the inside of my cheek. The coffee
sat like battery acid in the pit of my stomach. “Guys? Like dealers?” I whispered. Brooks nodded once. “Is that really the best idea after you've just gotten out of juvie?”

He folded the paper and put it to the side. “My girl needs a place to live. That's not going to pay for itself.”

Guilt wound itself around me and squeezed. My skin itched and tingled for the first time in a long while, but I tamped down the craving for pain. This was our life now and I needed to be realistic about it. I dug my fingernails into my palm and nodded.

“Let's see if I can find a job first.”

“You're not gonna be stuck covering rent on your own,” he said. “I'll look for a job too. Something that pays under the table so they don't find out I'm in violation of my probation.”

“It might be easier if I just—”

He held his hand up. “We're in this together. I'm not gonna be some kept man at home while my woman goes to work.”

I stood up and winked at him, desperate to lighten things between us. “Maybe that's the way I want you. At home, ready and waiting.”

A low grunt escaped Brooks's lips. “We should go back to the hotel. Now.”

I smiled at the return of Brooks. My Brooks. I grabbed his hand and let his need for me block out everything else.

Brooks was right. As soon as the manager at the Pizza by the Slice figured out that I had basic math skills and spoke English, he hired me. He didn't even bat an eye when I asked to be paid in cash. I thought I might have to pull out Dennis as a reference and dreaded all that would come with that, but he didn't ask for anything other than me to be at work at eleven the next morning.

I was so thrilled I splurged on Chinese takeout and brought it back to the hotel room.

“Jesus, you know how to burn through money,” Brooks said the minute I walked in the door with the bag.

“It's fried rice. It barely costs anything.”

He pursed his lips. “At this rate we'll have to move back to Chicago and live with your parents before the month is out.”

I'd convinced Brooks to stay at the Comfort Inn for three nights. The idea of sleeping in the Civic in the middle of March in Minnesota was about as appealing as plucking my fingernails out with tweezers. He guilted me about how we didn't have the money, but I wouldn't budge. I planned to find a less-expensive youth hostel to move into before the end of the week.

“I got the pizza job,” I said, dropping the food next to the TV on the dresser. “Minimum wage, but it's forty hours a week and he'll pay me under the table.”

Brooks pulled me down and kissed me. “That's my girl.”

“Did you find anything?”

He looked away for a second and worry wound itself inside me. “No,” he said, turning back, “it's not so easy for guys. Especially finding work where you don't need any references and want to be paid cash.”

I wanted to cry bullshit on that, but maybe he was right; maybe girls did have it easier. “We should figure out how much rent we can afford based on my minimum wage and our savings.” When had I become so practical?

He curled a piece of my hair around his finger. “I found a place for us.”

“What?” I pushed up. “Already? Without me even having the job yet? How?”

“I met these two guys. They're professional waiters. They said we could stay with them.”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “Brooks. You met some guys? We don't know anything about them. We can't just move in with a couple of randoms and think everything is going to be fine. They could be serial killers.”

“Jesus, Gannon. What the hell happened to you when you were in the hospital? Where's the girl who asked me to slice open the back of her thigh?”

My body curled into itself. Where was the boy who was afraid he hurt me when he did?

“We're gonna have to take some risks if we're gonna make this work,” he continued. “These guys aren't serial killers. They're nice guys. Gary and Bruce. Their roommate moved out and they said we could take the spare bedroom. Rent's two-fifty a month. That's dirt cheap. What did you expect me to do? A background check? It's not like they're doing one on us.”

I rolled off the bed and moved to the bathroom.

“Gannon,” he called after me. “Don't fucking walk away from me.”

I stared at myself in the mirror. The giddiness from getting a job had drained out of me and now I looked worn down. Too pale, too thin, too overwhelmed. For a second Mom's face flashed in the mirror, and I stepped back, guilt sloshing around like an overly full cup inside of me.

“Gannon,” Brooks snarled from the doorway. “Talk to me.”

“I'd like to meet them first,” I said, voice shaky.

He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. “Of course you will, sweetheart. They said we could go over later tonight and check the place out.”

I nodded. He tucked me beneath his chin and smoothed my hair. “Tell me this will all be okay,” I whispered.

He lifted my chin. “It'll be okay. We're together. It's all we need.”

•  •  •

The minute I met Gary and Bruce, my two future roommates, six hundred warning bells went off in my head. One answered the door to the tiny basement apartment in cutoff jean shorts and a flannel shirt. His full head of hair was combed back into some sort of pompadour thing. He held a leg of barbecue chicken in one hand. Some of the barbecue sauce was still on his chin.

“Brooks,” he yelled, holding his hand out for a high five. Brooks raised his eyebrows but then gave him the high five and walked in. “And this must be Gannon.”

I nodded. “Nice to meet you.”

“I'm Gary and this is Bruce.” He pointed to a guy sitting on a couch, watching TV with a large mop bucket of barbecue chicken next to him.

Bruce wiped his fingers on the bib circling his neck and smiled at us. His double chins shook as he spoke. “We're so stoked you guys are coming to live with us. It's been forever since we had a chick around here.”

Gary snorted. “Speak for yourself, my man.”

“Dude, I'm not talking about your sister,” Bruce answered, and waggled his eyebrows at me.
Oh God. Kill me now.

Gary dropped the half-eaten chicken leg into the mop bucket and rubbed his hand on the couch. I stole a glance at Brooks, who shrugged.

“So you wanna see the place?” Gary gestured to the couch, TV, and army trunk serving as a coffee table. “This is the living room, where we entertain.” He winked at me and pointed to the two closed doors on the side of the living room. “And those are the bedrooms.”

“No kitchen?” I asked.

Bruce chimed in from behind me. “Nah. But we work at a restaurant, so we don't really need one.” He pointed to the yellow bucket beside him. “We also barbecue a lot.”

“Where's the bathroom, then?” I asked, eyeing the closed doors. Evidently, we were all going to have to share one. I hoped I wouldn't have to traipse through Gary and Bruce's room to pee in the morning.

“No bathroom, either,” Bruce said.

My eyes widened and I glared at Brooks. Gary looked between the two of us.

“You didn't tell her, huh?” Gary asked Brooks.

Brooks tucked his hand in his jeans pocket. “The place isn't totally up to code, but Bruce and Gary are willing to let us
stay here and will take cash for rent. There's a bathroom at the McDonald's across the street.”

I swallowed. A bathroom at the McDonald's? This was my life?

Gary winked at me again, and for a second I wondered if he had some sort of eye condition. “Listen, we know you all are sort of ‘on the lam,' ” he said. Sweet Jesus, he was doing air quotes. “And we won't ask any questions if you don't. It'll all be good. You have a place to stay. We get a little help with the rent. Win-win.”

I spun on my heel and snatched Brooks's elbow. “Can I talk to you for a second outside?”

Gary took a step back. “You need a little time to think it over. No problem. Why don't you just give us a buzz in the morning? Not too early.” Gary dropped onto the couch and pulled a beer out of the Styrofoam cooler next to the barbecue chicken mop bucket.

“Thanks. We will.” I dug my fingers into Brooks's arm and dragged him out of the room.

“Where did you find these guys?” I asked the minute the door clicked behind me.

“They work at this sushi place. I was standing outside having a smoke when they popped out to join me during their break.”

“They're smokers, then?”

“No, they chew.”

I breathed deeply through my nose. “Of course they do.” I eyed the McDonald's across the street. “I'm not sure I can live in a place without a bathroom.”

“You'd have to if we were living in my car.”

My fingers curled into my palms. “Is this really the best you think we can do?”

Brooks shrugged. “I don't know. But it sort of fell into my lap and I kind of figured sometimes the universe gives you a gift.” He rubbed his hands over my shoulders. “They seem like okay guys.”

“They used the word ‘stoked.' ”

His boy grin emerged and my face warmed. “Yeah, but they work at a sushi place. Bet they bring home lots of good food.”

“Let's hope it's better than chicken out of a mop bucket.”

Brooks looped his fingers through mine. “They're harmless. And it's a room that doesn't cost eighty-nine dollars a night.”

I looked back at the door to the apartment and sighed. “Okay, we can give it a try.”

“You don't want to go back in and check out the room? Gary told me there's a mattress already in there for us to sleep on. I guess their old roommate left it behind.”

“Hmm . . . maybe we can pick up our own futon. I'm not trying to be a diva, but I'm not really into the idea of bed bugs.”

Brooks steered me toward his car. “Okay, princess, we'll pick up a futon.”

I slipped into the car and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I slid the temporary SIM card Brooks had gotten me into the back and texted Ali.

Gannon:
Found a job. Found a place.

Ali:
Already? Did Brooks find 1?

I peeked at him fiddling with the radio.

Gannon:
Not yet. But he will soon.

Ali:
If u say so. Miss u.

A lump blocked the back of my throat.

Gannon:
Me 2. Say hi to Jace.

Ali:
Ok. Want me 2 say anything 2 ur mom?

I stared at the phone screen too long.

Gannon:
No.

My phone was back in my bag before I could change my mind. I gave Brooks a too-bright smile and pulled out the menthol cigarettes in the glove compartment. Brooks shook his head and started the car.

My life became a series of odd-hour shifts at the pizza place, after which I returned to the bizarre scheming and crazy shenanigans of Gary and Bruce. When I walked in the door at night, Brooks quizzed me on whether anything suspicious had happened. Did strange people ask me questions? Did anyone take too much of an interest in me? He was alone too much. He grew increasingly depressed and paranoid as he was turned down for job after job. Even the shitty ones. He complained all the illegal aliens were taking the jobs. I worried about him and stayed up too late talking with him, filling him with me so he wasn't left with the growing fear of his father finding him or the memories of whatever happened in juvie.