Blazed (43 page)

This is the truth.

The only one that matters.

I can't let her die.

Life anywhere else won't ever be any good knowing that I left this amazing woman alone with her demons, and it was those demons that killed her.

Right as the light turns green, I look over at my father and say, “Turn around.”

“Did you forget something?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I go. “My priorities.”

“Jaime,” he starts.

I cut him off and say, “Turn around now. I can't leave her. I'll never be able to live with myself if something happens to her again.”

He groans and says, “She tried to kill herself when you were there, son.”

“But she didn't die. I stopped it. Cos I was there. I have to go back.”

“What about San Francisco and your girlfriend and your band?”

“What about it?” I say. “I'd rather know my mother is alive than play another song with my band. Turn around now.”

“You're for real?”

“I've never been this for real about anything before.”

“Fine,” he goes. “Okay. But if you change your mind—”

“I won't,” I say, cutting him off as he flips a U-turn in the intersection.

“But if you do.”

“I won't,” I snap. Then, “Thank you.”

And my father, he drives back the two blocks and pulls into the driveway.

My mother is still sitting on the front steps, crying. She looks up as I hop out of the truck.

“What's going on?” she asks.

“I'm staying here with you,” I go.

“Really?” she gasps.

“Yeah. Really. I'll never leave like you tried to leave me.”

“And I'll never do that again.”

Standing up, she gives me the biggest hug while my father unlocks the truck and says, “I'll call the rental place and have them pick this up tomorrow.”

Walking back over to him, I say, “Thank you so much.”

“You're welcome, Jaime. But how are you going to explain this to Eddie and Dominique and Kristen?”

Shrugging, I go, “I ain't sure yet. But I'll see you in Chicago for the Rolling Stones.”

He grins. He says, “This is what you want?”

“This is what has to happen right now.”

“And you're okay with it?”

“No. But I'm doing the right thing, and sometimes the right thing ain't what you wanna do.”

He hugs me and kisses me on the forehead and goes, “You're a good person.”

“Thanks, man. So are you. I had an incredible run in in San Francisco.”

“Yeah, you did.”

Pause.

“The Stones,” he goes.

“Yeah, the Stones.”

This is when he says he's going to walk up the street and call a cab to take him to the airport.

This is when I watch him walk away, down the driveway, and disappear around the corner.

“I'm gonna unload all your stuff now,” my mother says.

“I'll be down in a second to help.”

“Where you going?”

“My room for a minute.”

“Okay,” she goes. “Well, I'll be out here.”

Walking inside the house, I go straight to the kitchen and open the drawer where all her pills are at.

I take four Oxys, then rip off a sheet of foil and jog up to my room.

This is the only way to get through this now.

I want back inside the glass castle again.

I want in so bad.

Just like my mother, feeling nothing in Joliet is better than feeling anything in Joliet.

SITTING DOWN AT MY COMPUTER,
I drop an entire blue on the foil.

I'm so excited too.

Something about this, it leaves me thrilled and in love.

Cutting a pen in half, I grab a lighter and I chase this fucking dragon. Its tail is so big and hazy and my eyes blur for a moment before I'm back.

The corridors are as beautiful as ever.

So perfect.

The fogman is back in his palace.

After three more hits, I set the foil down and then turn off my phone.

I thought about texting Dominique and texting Kristen and Eddie, but I can't right now.

I don't feel like letting anyone else down again until I have to.

Turning on my webcam, I hit the record button and go for it.

Another poem.

Another lullaby.

“Blonde on Blonde” by Nada Surf rolls in and then out of my head.

It was so beautiful to hear Dominique sing that on Tuesday night.

I'm gonna miss her so much.

Staring straight into the camera now, I go, “There are reasons we do everything in life. Some of them are harder to explain than others. Some of them are impossible to explain unless you're in that person's shoes. This is one of those moments. I loved every fucking second in San Francisco.”

Taking a deep breath, I lean out of the camera lens and take another hit.

Now I'm ready.

Squaring up straight again, I go, “Here it is.”

I say,
“In the shadows is where I found the most comfort, away from all the noise and the distractions, away from the excuses, face-to-face with the isolation and the vast silence, never a part of anything or anyone, but a reminder that yes, you're still fucking alive . . . when the car broke down in the desert, the only thing I grabbed for the endless stroll was my notebook and my pencil . . . there was no way I was going to stop this recording, no way this story was not going to be told, I've always understood the importance of stories, just think about that . . . we are nothing without our stories . . . It rained once for six days straight and when the rain finally ended, it was immediately replaced by a fog so thick that some people swore it was smoke . . . this was the first time I saw her eyes . . . in the fog . . . these golden wandering eyes that faded into this dark brown hair, which hung just perfectly down her back. . . . For the next two days I followed her through the fog and watched her from afar . . . every time she laughed, I felt alive, but it was her singing that kept the journey moving, her voice that gave comfort
to my soul and justified the worth of my curiosity . . . I often dream of these sunny afternoons where I'm swinging so high I can taste the sky . . . those dreams usually end with me jumping from the swing into the ocean and laughing all the way to the bottom of the ocean floor where the only thing I see are more shadows . . . two days after we started walking through the desert, my notebook was full . . . we'd eaten cactus and tamed snakes and started a cult after meeting twenty beautiful girls and boys who were listening to the Growlers and Beach Fossils and racing dirt bikes through the sand. . . . One day I really will get to Paris and I'll teach my girl all about Sartre . . . and I'll pour absinthe all over her body while she quotes Rimbaud . . . In Mexico me and her danced all night and drank tequila and she finally forgave me for that one choice I made even though that choice kept us apart for so many years. . . . the notebooks were the key to everything . . . she was able to read about what had happened since the day I'd left her that first time, and it was because of those stories that we were able to find each other once again and get right back to the place we'd left each other all those years ago . . . these are our days, this is our time . . . the only things we'll ever truly own are our days, and our time, and our stories . . . this is our life and this is our only fucking chance in this special place where the sun triggers a million possibilities and the moon gives us the quiet we need to try and understand what we did with those possibilities . . . and hopefully we did a lot . . . there's nothing sadder than a person with no stories of their own . . . there are no excuses for a dull life . . . there's no time for regrets . . . everyone is given a choice to own their world, everyone is given a blank notebook . . . your memories are only as good as the life you fucking lived . . . so live a good life . . . make history . . . burn through page after page and drink the fucking air . . . In
Vietnam we rode motorcycles and talked about a park in San Francisco . . . In Cambodia we took turns telling each other the story of how we got here . . . how we got to this place . . . We told our stories . . . our stories . . . and we laughed . . . and we drank . . . and we flipped another page as the stories moved on . . . the only real currency in this fucked-up world are the stories we tell each other in the downtime of our lives . . .”

I pause.

Rub my face.

I feel so sick and sad. I miss her so much. I just wanna touch her again, feel her skin, hold her, and taste her.

This is when I remember what she gave me. Her septum ring. I still have it. Digging into that tiny pocket, I slide it out and squeeze it tight.

“Such Great Heights” begins playing on my computer.

Opening my hand up, I stare at the ring. It's all I have left of her.

I love her.

Goddamn, I love that girl so much.

Looking back up into the camera, I say, “These are our stories. And our stories will never leave us, and they'll never let us down.”

Pause.

“The end.”

I take a deep breath now and smile. Then I open my mouth, put Dominique's septum ring on my tongue, and close my lips, knowing I may never taste anything so good again.

Side A: Electric Clouds, Fierce Waves, Sand Lightning

1. “Lupine Dominus” by Thee Oh Sees (Turn this up as loud as you can and fucking smile all day cos you deserve to and it's also really good for you and your friends.)

2. “Distracted” by Terry Malts

3. “Waterfall” by the Fresh & Onlys

4. “Acid Rain” by the Growlers

5. “Helicopter” by Deerhunter (Every version is amazing, but especially check out the video of them performing this song live at the Pitchfork Music Festival. It'll change your life!)

6. “Fuck You” by Get Dead (This is your anthem song, kiddos.)

7. “HiiiPoWeR” by Kendrick Lamar

8. “Dancin' Shoes” by Murder City Devils

9. “Black Hills” by Gardens & Villa

10. “Age of Consent” by New Order (Just dance and dance and dance y'rself clean!)

Side B: Blue Dreams, Blue Mountains, Blue Dawns

1. “The Big Idea” by Black Books

2. “Little Dreamer” by Future Islands

3. “Gila” by Beach House

4. “Lottie Mae” by the Riverboat Gamblers

5. “You Weren't There” by Lewee Regal

6. “I Found My Mind in Connecticut” by Cage

7. “Dive” by Tycho

8. “July” by Youth Lagoon

9. “Paid (Shotgun in the Limo)” by Jon Gunton

10. “Spent Nights” by Magic Bullets

Side C: Kickin' It Tough (Kids Forever)

1. “End of the Summer” by Fifteen

2. “They Will Kill Us All (Without Mercy)” by the Bronx

3. “Ice Water” by the Riverboat Gamblers

4. “I Was Denied” by Thee Oh Sees

5. “Young Blood” by the Naked and Famous (Crank this and go fucking dance in the streets and on the tops of roofs until the sun comes up.)

6. “Come On Now” by Gringo Star

7. “How Ya Livin' ” by AZ featuring Nas

8. “Cabin Fever” by the Brian Jonestown Massacre

9. “Ballad of the White Horse” by the Saint James Society

10. “Five Fingers” by Aesop Rock

Side D: Our Beautiful Nostalgia (These Stories and Memories Are Ours)

1. “Sweetest Kill” by Broken Social Scene

2. “Drift Dive” by the Antlers (Let this song swallow you and carry you away.)

3. “By Your Side” by Beachwood Sparks (their version; watch video on YouTube as well)

4. “Sixteen Blue” by the Replacements

5. “Heavy Breathing” by Vows

6. “Sleepwalk” by Santo & Johnny

7. “Streets Were Raining” by Pyramid

8. “Knot Comes Loose” by My Morning Jacket

9. “Balance” by Future Islands

10. “White Dove” by Sleepy Sun

Also by Jason Myers

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