Blame it on Texas (16 page)

Katie looked at her father. When he nodded, she followed Carol from the room. Logan sat down in the chair next to the bed again and picked up his father's callused hand. There was so much he needed to say to his father, but he didn't know where to start.

"I'm sorry I left home so young and left you to take care of everything all by yourself. I couldn't stay after what happened to Mom. It was all my fault. If I'd done my chores that day like I was supposed to, she wouldn't have been out there weeding the garden in that heat. She wouldn't have died. I've never forgiven myself for that."

He watched Charlie's face, but there was no sign that his father had heard a word he said. "I blamed you, too. For bringing her out here. For letting her work so hard. I didn't know which of us was the most at fault. But I hated it here. I couldn't wait to put the farm behind me."

He felt an almost imperceptible pressure against his hand. He looked down to see Charlie's fingers curled around his own. Could his father hear him? "I want to ask you to forgive me. For not helping more when I was a kid. For letting Mom down. For letting you down. I love you, Dad."

Charlie's doctor stepped into the room and Logan moved back so he could tend to Charlie.  A few minutes later the doctor led Logan from the room. "I'm moving him to ICU. The next 24 hours will give us a better idea of his chances. I've ordered some tests that will tell us how extensive the damage is. I'm sorry I can't tell you more right now."

Logan nodded and shook the doctor's hand, then joined Carol and Katie outside. Megan sat on a bench, Katie's head in her lap, while Carol paced up and down the sidewalk. She headed his way as soon as she saw him step through the door.

"Any news?"

"Not much. He's moving to ICU, and the doctor has scheduled some tests, but they don't know much right now." Logan looked at Megan, then back to Carol. "Why don't you take Katie home? Megan's probably anxious to get on the road."

Carol shook her head.  "No, she's already said she'll stay until we hear something about dad. She tried to insist on going to a motel, but I wouldn't let her. I'll get her to take Katie back to the house, but I'm staying here."

Maybe that would be best. He hated the idea of Megan leaving with this strain between them. At the very least they needed to clear the air and see where they stood. "Okay. Tell her to keep Blue close to the house. She can call Jake if there's an emergency."

"I'll have Jake check on them both when he can. She'll be all right, Logan, and so will Katie. But if you don't wipe that worried look off your face, she'll think you don't trust her."

***

Megan stayed with Katie while Logan and Carol spent as much time at the hospital as they could. She and Katie fed the animals and gathered the eggs every morning, then spent the rest of the day cleaning the house and working in the garden. Twice a day they went to the hospital to visit Charlie, who remained unresponsive.

Each time Megan left the hospital, she expected to get a telephone call telling her Charlie had passed away. The tension was wearing on her, but not nearly as much as it was on Logan. His face looked haggard, his shoulders drooped with exhaustion.

Jake drove Megan and Katie to the hospital several times and she got to know a little about him and his life. The more she learned, the more she admired him and hoped someday he and Carol would end up together. 

Tuesday morning, she took Katie to town to buy groceries, then stopped by the feed store and bought some vegetable plants and a few flowers. At least planting would give her something to do to keep her mind off Logan, and off Charlie's illness. She'd come to love the old man in the short time she'd known him. She refused to think about her feelings for Logan.

By early afternoon, the garden was planted, and she'd turned on the sprinkler to water the tender plants. Then she and Katie settled in play Monopoly. 

She saw Jake's truck pull into the drive and checked her watch, wondering if she'd lost track of time. She saw they still had two hours until visiting hours. "I'm going out to see what Jake wants. I'll be right back."

"Okay. I'm going to get some ice cream. You want some?"

"Sure. Thanks." Katie went into the kitchen and Megan stepped onto the front porch as Jake rounded the front of his truck.    

***

Logan sat on a chair beside Charlie's bed, the beeping of the monitors his only company.  He'd talked to his father more in the last three days than he had in years. Only he'd waited too late. Charlie couldn't hear him, couldn't answer his questions, couldn't take away the burden of shame Logan carried over his mother's death.

As he held his father's hand, he felt the deep calluses created by years of hard work. He looked at his own hands, where newly formed calluses had begun to form over the last few weeks. Something shifted inside him, something that softened the edges of his pain and anger, and he felt closer to his father than he'd ever felt before.

Charlie's fingers tightened on his in a grip almost painful in intensity, and Logan jerked his head up to search his father's face for signs of awakening. As he watched, Charlie's features relaxed, a corner of his mouth tilted up in a slight smile and he breathed out a deep sigh. Then his hand went limp.

The beeping of the monitor changed to a continuous tone and Logan looked up as a doctor and two nurses rushed into the room, pushing a crash cart. For ten minutes they tried to bring Charlie back, but it was too late. He was gone.

Logan hung his head, the pain so intense he thought his heart would stop, too. He heard a gasp behind him, and looked up to find Carol standing in the doorway. He stood and went to her side.

"No! Dear God, no." Carol's wail echoed through the intensive care unit. Logan felt helpless as he pulled her to him and let her cry against his chest. He led her from the small room into the hall.

"He can't be dead, Logan, he just can't be." Her tears soaked his shirt and he wanted to cry, too. But he needed to be strong for his sister. "It's okay, Carol. He's with Mom, now. He's missed her all these years. I don't think he'd want us to be sad that he's finally found her again." In spite of his words, he felt empty. It was the same dead, dull feeling he'd had the day he'd lost his mother. Once again the land had won. It had sapped Charlie's vitality, taken away his ability to fight off the stroke that had led to his death.

Carol sniffed and lifted her head, a small, trembling smile on her lips. "He is with Mom, isn't he? But I'm going to miss him so much."

"We all are. I think we've always thought he'd be around forever." He reached out and wiped a tear from her cheek. "Just remember how much he loved you. You were his only daughter, and the baby too, so you were always special. And the fact that you look so much like Mom made you even more precious to him."

Carol nodded and wiped her face. "Thanks, Logan. You've always known how to make me feel better. But it's still going to hurt for a long time."

"Yeah, I'm afraid it will."

***

Jake, Katie, and Megan found Carol standing in the empty room, folding Charlie's pajamas. Katie ran headlong into Carol's arms, crying as she had since Megan had been handed the difficult job of breaking the news about her grandfather.

Carol wrapped her arms around Katie and held her tightly. Jake shifted his weight from one foot to the other, looking lost and unsure what to do. Megan went to put her arms around her friend.

"I'm so sorry," Megan said, her voice trembling. She'd lost her aunt three years ago, and the pain was still fresh. Today's events had brought it all back with stinging clarity. "Is there anything I can do?"

Carol looked over the top of Katie's head, her eyes sad and weary. "I'm sure there is, but I can't think right now. I know there are a hundred details we need to attend to. I'm so glad you're here because I don't have a clue where to start."

"I'll stay as long as you need me. Where's Logan?"

"He went down to the chapel. Dad's death hit him pretty hard, but I think he didn't want me to see how much it affected him. Could you go see if he's okay? I'm worried about him."

"Of course. I'll be back in a little while." Megan turned to go, then turned back when Carol called her name.

"I'm not sure he'll be glad to see you. He's angry with himself. He thinks he let Dad down."

"Glad or not, he needs me," Megan said. She headed down the hall to the front of the hospital, looking for signs as she went. When she saw an arrow pointing the way to the chapel, she turned down a short hall. The chapel doors were closed, the lights out.

She pushed the door open and quietly stepped inside. When her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw a lone figure kneeling at the altar. Logan. She walked down the aisle, her steps silent on the thick carpet.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Megan heard his sobs before she reached him and thought her heart would break. The man who valued control had lost his. The man who had made it his mission to keep his family safe hadn't been able to save his father. He wouldn't realize it wasn't his fault, that he'd done all that was humanly possible.

She knelt beside him and slid an arm around his back. She didn't speak, just squeezed his shoulder, offering what comfort she could.

Logan looked up and scrubbed a fist across his eyes. He looked so lost Megan wanted to pull all his pain inside herself and kiss his tears away. When he turned to face her, she opened her arms and wrapped them around him.

To her surprise, he didn't pull away. He laid his head against her chest and sighed. "I tried, Megan. I tried. I came home, I took over the chores. I worked myself half to death trying to make things right. He died anyway."

"I know, Logan. But you're not God. Only He can make decisions about life and death. You did all you could."

"No, I didn't. If I'd stayed instead of running off to Dallas when I got out of school, Dad wouldn't have had to work so hard. He wouldn't have had to do it all by himself. I could have made his life so much easier." He pulled himself out of her arms and straightened. "I'll never forgive myself for not doing that."

"Logan, listen to me. If you'd stayed, you would have resented it every minute. You might have been here physically, but your heart would have been somewhere else. And Charlie would have felt guilty for keeping you here."

He lowered his head and stared at his hands. "Why did it take me so long to come home? If I'd just come back a year ago, two years ago, all this might not have happened."

"You don't know that. Strokes aren't caused by hard work. They're the result of disease, or a weakness in the blood vessels. Even certain medications can cause them. It wouldn't have mattered whether you stayed or left. The result would have been the same. And you did come back."

"Yeah, and a damn lot of good it did him." He stood, anger vibrating through him. "His death is my fault. Just like my mother's was."

Before he could walk away, Megan stood and grabbed his hand, then led him to a pew. She pulled him down beside her. "What do you mean, that your mother's death was your fault? How old were you when she died?"

Logan didn't want to tell Megan how he'd failed his mother. He was afraid she'd look at him as less of a man, not worthy of respect or trust. But he poured out the whole story, anyway, unable to resist the compassion in her eyes as she begged him to tell her.

When he finished his story, he stood and walked quickly from the chapel, never looking back. He wandered the hospital corridors for an hour, silently railing against fate, against death, against his own failings. He wanted to run back to Dallas, to escape like he had at eighteen.

But he wasn't a boy, free of responsibilities. He had to stay and get his father buried, settle his affairs, and take care of his sister and his daughter. At least now he could send Megan home.  That would give him one less female to worry about.