- Black Gold 2 - Double Black (21 page)

Jett didn’t want to think about that. It wasn’t anyone’s business but theirs. But maybe it was past the time he could ignore it.
“Yeah, I love him enough. I’ve always loved him enough. People assume they know me, but they don’t know shit. So I fucked a lot of ladies. So what? Does that mean I never admired a guy? No.”
Finding his strength again, Jett brought his face to Cole’s. “You haven’t had sex with a man yet, right? So how do you know who you want? Huh? Do you have to have relationships with a gender, fuck them, to know you’re into someone? Every goddamn story starts somewhere. You don’t fuck a gender; you fuck a person. So maybe I don’t want every guy I see. Do you?”

Cole gave a long, impatient sigh. “No, I don’t. But you’ve got politicians out there saying that once you accept men having sex, you have to accept sex with dogs or marrying dogs. As if a gay relationship is some kinky thing and not about love. It’s not just about
you
, Jethro. There are people who believe we’re all possessed by demons and could never feel real, actual love for one another.

“And that’s the point, isn’t it? If we start getting married, it isn’t just about the legalities of being able to see your spouse in the hospital or your partner having inheritance rights. Marriage as it is now is a statement, a declaration of love from one person to another in public and before God. It forces everyone to recognize a bond of love there. Not just lust. No demons. Real love to make that kind of commitment and have it recognized by the world. That’s what everyone’s afraid of legitimizing. And you know what I think?”

Jett didn’t bother asking because he knew he was going to hear it either way. “I think that’s half the reason the press follows you around. They’re waiting for you to fall off the wagon and fuck a woman. They think there’s no way that you could possibly feel real love for Goldie, and you running off alone all the time helped legitimize that opinion.”

Cole held up his hands before Jett could shout at him. “I’m not saying that’s what I believe is going to happen. But that’s what it looks like. That’s what they’re waiting for. They’re waiting for you to break Goldie’s heart and for this to all be some tragic mistake. For you to return to fucking women and for Goldie to get back into that fucking closet so they can all be happy in their little bubbles.”

Cole got into Jett’s space and poked him in the chest. “And you’re letting it all happen. You’re enabling everyone to believe that neither of you is happy, that this whole relationship is destructive to you both, and that neither of you feels like it’s worth the trouble to try and get married because it’s just a sex thing.“

For a moment, all Jett could do was stare. Then he shook his head and laughed.

“Holy shit, Cole, I must have given your mama nothing but speechifying sperm to make you with.” This was definitely his child. And since this was definitely his child, he also knew that Cole wasn’t saying any of this out of malice. If Cole hated him, he wouldn’t bother saying anything at all.

Cole loved him. He was annoying as shit, but he cared.
Jett pulled Cole into a hug, wrapping him tight in his arms and ruffling his hair. He didn’t let go. If that was what people thought, Jett couldn’t let them go on believing that his feelings for Goldie were anything less than sincere.
“Not saying I agree with all of that, but I agree with enough. So how d’you propose I propose, son? I’ve been thinking about it, but
not
because I’m afraid of losing him or to impress anyone. Just ’cause I’m in love with Billy.”

“You’ve thought about it?” Cole didn’t let go either. It seemed like a hug that Cole had been waiting for. Jett wondered if the man who’d raised him had given him many hugs. “Then why’d you let me go on like that?”

Jett rested his head against Cole’s. It took an effort to think through everything Cole had said. His brain resisted it.
Anyone else he’d have blown off, but Cole deserved the truth.

“I think about proposing every so often. I’m in love with him. You’d think that would be enough. Why’s it gotta be such a thing? It’s always a thing!” Jett heard how defensive he was getting and took a deep breath to get it under control.

He disengaged from Cole as gently as he could and looked into his eyes. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, okay? I think about it, but then I can’t go through with asking. Like there’s a wall there, and I can’t think around it. Sometimes I’m about two breaths from just doing it, but I don’t have a ring or anything. We’re in the backseat of the car with Robbie driving, and it’s not romantic. It’s not what he deserves, or an awesome story for
People
magazine’s ‘Goldie Engaged!’ issue.”

Cole shoved his hands in his pockets like he felt awkward about the long hug, too old to admit he needed it but young enough to want it. “You know it won’t matter to Goldie how it happens. But if I were you, I mean, what were you playing when I came in? Isn’t that kinda what you bonded over? Music?”

Jett nodded and scratched his jaw. The stubble was sharp enough to hurt after two days without shaving. He probably looked like shit. He wondered why Goldie bothered with him.

Then again, no matter what anyone said, Jett knew he loved Goldie more than anyone else could. And even more than he loved Goldie, he loved Billy, the fragile, wonderful person who dwelt inside the fame-juggernaut exoskeleton the world usually saw.

Jett’s eyes stung. He rubbed the side of his nose and then gathered his long hair back into a messy ponytail. Was he afraid Goldie would turn him down? What was the worst that could happen?

“All right, so, it’s romantic to do what we bonded over? Is that how it works?” It came out more hostile than Jett intended, but it was more or less what he meant so he left it. Then, unable to hold back, he asked, “What about Kyle? You gonna make something happen there, or just tell me how to mind my business?”

Cole folded his arms and returned Jett’s hostility. “Some of us can’t just whip out a guitar and have everyone swoon, all right? I’m working on it!” He turned and rubbed his hand through his hair. “He likes you better, anyway.”

Ah, that explains a lot.
Jett touched Cole’s shoulder. “You know I didn’t go to prom, right? I never had girlfriends in high school. I was a geek, Cole. I was nobody. I was in love with music and nothing else mattered. People were eventually drawn to my passion for it, and that made me sexy to them, but it wasn’t something to build a relationship on, you know? I couldn’t love anyone as much as the music. Not until Goldie.”
Having a rare moment of clarity, Jett mulled over what he was about to say. He proceeded with caution. “You have the relationship part down. You try to be thoughtful, in tune, present. If it’s the physical part you’re worried about, just remember it’s like anything else you do with somebody, whether it’s dancing or taking a road trip. Go slow at first, be chill, ask what he wants, and then give it to him the best you can. Being good at it is just figuring out on the fly which compromises are best and discovering how sexy it feels to give. And hopefully you know that you can do a lot of things in bed besides sticking a dick in somebody. No pressure, you know? Play it by ear.”

Facing Cole, Jett dropped his hands to his sides. He looked steadily into his son’s face, willing his trust. “As for Kyle being into me, he’s just got a little hero worship going on. He’d no more go to bed with me than I would with him. He wants
you
, Cole. Trust me. I can tell.”

Cole looked pained. He rubbed the back of his neck. “It would be easier if he were just some random guy. If I don’t do it right, if things don’t go well, he’s my best and only friend.” He exhaled. “What are you seeing that I don’t?”

Had Jett been this obtuse? Maybe it was a family trait. “When Kyle got nationally outed, he could have blamed you and hated you for a lot of shit. Instead, he solidified every rumor about the two of you by flying here to be at your side. If he’d wanted me to put him up elsewhere, I would have. He wanted to be here. He brought your Chex Mix in his carry-on so it wouldn’t get crushed. That’s love.”

Jett raised both brows and assumed what he hoped was a fatherly expression of encouragement. “Why do you think I insisted on separate rooms? You have room to panic and back off and then try again. I’ve got your back, Cole. I’ll always have your back.”

He slapped Cole’s shoulder. “Now go get ’im, tiger. Sport. Whatever dads say.” Cole slapped Jett’s shoulder back. “Yeah? What about you? You gonna go get ’im? If you get tossed out, you can sleep on the floor of my room if you want.”

“How generous of you; the whole floor all to myself.” Jett chuckled. “I tell you what, you go lay the smoove on that cute friend of yours, and I’m gonna see if I can write my man a song that’ll make him wanna marry my sorry old ass.”

Settling back on the chair with his guitar, Jett and waved Cole off. “I’m done father-son bonding for now. Skedaddle.”

Jett was already thinking about chord progressions and lyrical hooks, but he looked up. “Oh, Cole, there’s condoms in the hall bathroom. I dunno if you found ’em. I made sure they were there for you. Make sure you wrap up.”

At this, Cole’s face turned a bright red. “Oh. Um. Thanks. If you need any, uh, advice or whatever with the music you know where I am.”
Cole looked dazed as he walked out, but Jett was pretty sure he was making a beeline for the bathroom.

“Was I ever that young?” Jett asked his guitar, smiling at her because she’d been with him since he was younger than Cole. She knew the answer. He stroked along her neck and thought, then reached for his capo and began to play.

Chapter Nine

There was no reason for Jett to lie, yet Cole was surprised to find condoms in the guest bathroom as promised. His mother had lectured him on their usage but had stopped short of providing such easy access. Her philosophy had been that if he felt ready to use them, he should feel comfortable buying them.

For Cole, it had never been a matter of being embarrassed to buy them as much as the daunting deadline of an expiration date. While he realized it was several years out, Cole couldn’t conceive of anyone wanting to be with him that way.

That said, Jett had a point about Kyle. He’d brought gifts and seemed happy to see Cole.
At least, Cole hoped the stiffy he had felt during that first hug out of the car was for Cole and not Jett.
He sighed and hesitated taking a condom. It wasn’t that Jett was his father, though that was highly irritating, but the hopelessness of Kyle’s attraction to Jett pointed out the humiliating truth about Cole’s crush on Goldie.
Cole burned with shame when he thought about opening his pants to touch himself in Goldie’s presence. Even in memory, the moment was surreal and awful.
And the closest he’d gotten to sex with another person.
Cole shoved a couple of condoms in his pocket.

The truth was, he’d been so wrapped up in his anger with Jett and his frustration with his life that Cole hadn’t thought about Kyle as much as usual. He’d figured it was best to try getting over him. Kyle was going off to college, and as far as Cole knew, he would be working retail forever.

That fright and frustration had driven him to California, along with the hope that he could get money to join Kyle at college. To what end, he wasn’t sure.
Kyle had given Cole the distinct impression that he didn’t think of him that way. Their mutual awkwardness had drawn them together since childhood, but it wasn’t until much later that they both realized what that awkwardness was.
Heterosexual couples talked about knowing each other since their youth, but Cole had never heard of that happening with homosexuals. Not that he looked around that much.
The one thing he did remember was Kyle saying he didn’t want to be with someone by default—like the only two gay kids in school being together because there was no other choice.
At college, Kyle would meet lots of other boys, men, people who weren’t Cole. The remark had been offhand, and Kyle didn’t say it was about Cole, but the inference was clear. Perhaps that statement as much as Cole’s mother dying and his father dumping him had driven Cole to leave home.

Cole stared in the mirror. He ruffled his hair, hoping it made him look rakish, but instead he just looked like an asshole with messy hair. No wonder Kyle didn’t want him. Thinking Goldie would want him was such an impossible joke that he actually laughed out loud.

Poor, simple fool
. He trudged back to his room but stopped before opening the door. Instead of going inside, he knocked on Kyle’s door.
Maybe he could use the condoms at college. Souvenir of this little trip. Go forth and fuck with Cole’s blessing. At least that way Kyle might think about him again after he’d left.
“Yeah? Who is it?” Kyle sounded like he was still frustrated with Cole from earlier.

“Jett Black. I’ve got a saggy boner for you. Open up.”
“Oh shut up!” Kyle laughed and pulled open the door to reveal he’d been lying around in his boxers. Cole heard the sound of
Real Housewives of Somewhere
on the TV in Kyle’s room. “Jealous much?”

Cole took a deep breath and tried not to get overly excited. For all he knew, Kyle stripped down in the off chance it might really be Jett outside.
“What’s to be jealous of? At some point Goldie will be over his daddy issues and dump him. Then you can have your shot.” Cole tried to sound flip rather than petulant. He wasn’t entirely successful. “Anyway, Jett’s downstairs writing a song to propose to Goldie with, so I guess you’ll have to settle for someone else. Or something.”

“I’m pretty sure that, taken as a whole, that reply was borderline incoherent.” Kyle studied Cole’s face for a moment, then stepped back from the doorway in invitation to enter.

Cole folded his toes against the hardwood floor and considered leaving. Hadn’t he embarrassed himself enough in this house? His lips buzzed as he blew out his sigh, and then he breezed past Kyle and dropped onto his bed. “The point is, Jett’s off the market unless he fucks up his proposal, which hardly seems possible. Goldie’s really into him. Must be nice to have someone who thinks you can do no wrong.”

“I always thought of them both as off the market. When two people fall in love and move in together, it usually means that. Doesn’t it?” The gravity to Kyle’s words hinted to Cole they might be a test.